Circle in the Sand (24 page)

“What is it?”

“Do you think your dad would still help me get a job?”

My mouth drops open. “You’re kidding.”

“I’m not. No regrets, and I’m not changing my life. Only my job. I need something
new.”

I agree to talk to my father once again about helping Jax find something. Then we
hug, laugh, and marvel at how complicated life has grown since we met twenty years
ago, thankful we still have each other. We make plans for grandmother’s birthday—a
short dinner party at Jax’s bar. She convinced her boss to give us the place for two
hours. Then she gives me some great leads for places to donate money, but I’m still
trying to find that one place that will have special meaning to me. I need to figure
it out and tell Rose about it before it’s too late. I believe it’s the one thing that
means the most to her and will make her happy.

An hour later, Jax and I are still in the same spot. Travis comes through the door,
panting, wiping sweat from his forehead. He doesn’t even glance our way before heading
straight for the bathroom. Trepidation and sadness pour over me as I realize I probably
made a huge mistake. I wanted so badly to be with him, and now I may have lost his
friendship as well. 

It’s three days before Rose’s birthday party—something I pushed for but am now not
sure is the right thing. I haven’t been sure of a lot of things lately. The past few
days I’ve had this feeling in the pit of my stomach, gnawing away at me like a disease.
The problem is I can’t pin down the cause with all the drama in my life. Last night,
I sat outside, gazed up at the stars, hoping for a sign. I thought about Ned, who’s
been trying so hard to make up for his deception. After Taco Tuesday, he stalked me
at Oak Grove, the bar, and left a note on my car while I was at the tattoo shop. My
heart misses what could’ve been with Ned. I miss him and Emily. She’s been avoiding
me, and I don’t blame her. She can barely make it through some days, dealing with
her own issues. But at least I know I’ve forgiven my friends and they deserve to know
that too.

Then my mind went to Rose and Sage and Travis. I even thought about Dale, only because
he happened to call me while I was star gazing. Valerie left him once again, sending
him to me for comfort I’m not equipped to give. The sting of tears filled my eyes
as I pondered life and the night sky, realizing I was never going to find the answers
in a star. Then, as I stood, wiping my tears with the back of my sleeve, a shooting
star flashed across the sky. My face lit up, and I shouted “My sign!” to the universe.
But as I walked back toward the house, I stopped, doubled over with laughter.
A sign for what
? I had no idea what my sign meant.

Now with a clearer head and a morning cup of coffee in my belly, I work in the backroom,
doing the books for my boss, Matthew. This laptop is ancient and slow, so everything
takes twice as long. Hours later, his bald head and towering shadow block my light
when he draws up behind me. “How’s it looking, girly?” His voice is scratched and
deep. His arms folded high on his chest are fully inked.

“Good. Much better actually.”

“Gotta seriously thank you for that, Jax. All your changes have really made a difference.
I see it every night.”

Matthew often talks to me while I’m working, so I don’t look up. “I’m glad you finally
listened to me.”

“What can I say? I’m a stubborn ass.” He pulls a chair out, twirls it a half turn
so it’s backwards, then he sits down.

“Stubborn, yes. Ass, no. And I know it was tough getting rid of Carla.”

“It was, but you were right. Had to be done. I owe you big time.”

“After Rose’s party, we’ll be able to call it even.”

He scratches at the stubble, peppered with gray, on his cheeks. “I don’t think so,
Jax. I’ve been meaning to talk to you.”

I push the laptop aside and tap a pencil on my palm before leaning forward. “Come
on, man. You’re not changing your mind about the party are you? It’s only two hours,
maybe less with this crowd.”

“Calm down, girly. I’m not changing my mind. But I want something else from you.”

My eyebrows raise. “I’m not that kind of girl, Matty. But I could find someone special
for you.”

He reaches out, rubs an over-sized hand on my wrist. “Now you’re just breaking my
heart.”

“Right. Seriously, what have you got on your mind?”

“Eddie’s a slacker. We both know that.”

Of all my suggestions to Matthew about the bar, I never mentioned his brother, the
manager. Nice guy, but his heart has never been in the job. “You’re not shit-canning
your own brother?”

“No, but I’ve got a feeling he’s on his way out. Been making a lot of trips up North
to get back with his woman. He’s there now. Called me this morning asking if I could
handle things this weekend without him. He’s been dropping a lot of hints lately too.”

“So you need me to pull some extra shifts?”

“I want you to hang up your mixologist hat and be my bar manager.”

This is not something I saw coming. My jaw dropping in silence tells Matthew that,
so he says, “It makes all the damn sense in the world to me, Jax. You’ve got this
place nailed—inside and out. Everyone respects you, and you’re a hard-ass worker.
What more could I want?”

“Thanks, Matty. I’m really flattered you think that…”

“Crap if I’m not gonna hear a
but
come out of that sassy little mouth.”

“No, it’s just, lately I’ve been thinking about making some serious changes in my
life. You know, do something…” I searched my brain for the right word. “…respectable,
I don’t know, important?”

“Respectable?” He pulls a sour face like I called his only child fugly.

“I didn’t mean it like that, Matty. I love this place. It’s like my second home.”

He nods; his face lights with recognition. “Where’s this coming from then? Have anything
to do with Mr. Kahkis, who keeps coming in here looking for you like a lost puppy?”

The adorable image brings a smile to my face. The flutter in my stomach tells me it’s
time to settle this once and for all. “Could be. But it’s not only that. I’m at a
crossroads of sorts. Things always used to be so clear to me, decisions so obvious.
Now I have doubts about almost everything.”

He chuckles. “That’s just fucking life, girl.”

“What wisdom. You should have that tattooed on your ass.”

“You should count yourself lucky you made it this far being so damn sure about everything.
Because I’ll tell you it’s a rare thing. If you ask me, doubts are good. They mean
you care…about the outcome…the person you’re dealing with. No doubts and you’re either
confident as hell or you just don’t give a shit.”

God, which one had I been my whole life
? Maybe I was more like my father than I realized or ever wanted to be. “I don’t feel
very lucky right now.”

“
You
may not feel lucky, but I’m lucky that you walked into this place. And I’d be willing
to bet everyone in your life feels lucky to have you, including Mr. Khakis.”

That I wasn’t sure about. I’d shut out Ned and Emily, two of the three people who
mean the most to me. I tried my whole life not to judge people or their decisions.
When I finally come out and start pointing fingers, I pick them? “For a tough guy,
you’re pretty soft.” I get up, fling my arms around his neck and squeeze. “Thank you,
for the talk and the job offer. I’m going to give it some serious thought.”

“All this serious shit is making me thirsty,” he says. “Want a soda?”

As we head to the front, we hear knocking at the door—most likely a delivery. The
shades are pulled so we can’t see who it is. “I got it,” he says while I go behind
the counter to pour the sodas.

I’m sipping a Coke when I hear Matthew say, “Khakis! And you brought friends this
time.” He steps aside to let them in, and I’m surprised to see Ned holding Ben, with
Emily by his side. I’ve seen him holding the kids countless times, but something about
the sight of him with little Benny in his arms makes my heart tumble. Our eyes connect
from across the room. I can’t help but smile in response to his.

They approach the bar with Matthew following behind them. Formal introductions are
made, then Matthew says, “I’m going to head back and go over your numbers.”

“Hey, guys,” I say, heading straight for Ben. He’s wearing a t-shirt that reads, “I’m
two. Get used to it!” I try not to let my eyes land on Ned’s, focusing on Ben’s sweet
chubby cheeks instead. I poke his little belly. “I missed you,” I say. He grabs my
finger. “Jax, Jax, Jax!”

“We missed you too,” Ned says.

I turn, heading back to the bar. “I was talking to the kid.” Emily and I exchange
a quick hug. “Let me get you guys some drinks.” I get Ned a Coke, Emily a water, and
Ben a pineapple juice, hoping it’s an acceptable substitute for apple juice. Ned seats
him on a bar stool as Emily comes behind him so he won’t fall. “So, weird to see you
two here with the little guy. Where are James and Sophie?”

“Eric has the day off, so he’s with James and will pick up Sophie after club practice.”
An uneasiness settles over me at hearing that. “Ned took us out to lunch, and we just
happened to eat at The Beach House down the street.”

“Yeah, and we saw your car so we figured we’d stop by,” Ned says, his voice high pitched.

“So, ganging up on me, huh?” I say jokingly. I recover quickly with, “I was here doing
the books and finalizing plans for Rose’s birthday. You both still coming?”

“Yes,” Ned says.

“Of course,” Emily says. “So how’ve you been, Jaxie?”

“Good…busy.”

She holds the straw and glass so Ben can sip without spilling. “Do you remember when
Sage had that huge crush on Ian Fetzer? He wouldn’t give her the time of day. And
remember we heard him say it was because she was too superficial?”

“Yeah. I’m assuming you’re going somewhere with this story.”

Ned laughs and adds, “You guys told her he was gay.”

“Gay, gay, gay!” Ben says.

Emily gives Ned a cross stare. “Thanks.”

“I remember that,” I say, coming from behind the counter and pulling a stool across
from them. “She was so pissed when she saw him making out with Amanda at the movies
that time.”

“Don’t you remember what you told her when we all talked about it?” Emily says.

“I have a vague memory, but I hope you’re not trying to compare that to this situation.”

“You want to play with your trains, Benny?” Emily asks. He nods, and Ned lifts him
to the ground while Emily unloads a toy store worth of trains from her purse onto
the ground. Kneeling down next to her son, she gazes up at me and continues. “You
told her she had to forgive us because we acted out of love for her and that sometimes
logic goes with love about as good as diarrhea and a road trip.”

“So you’re saying you lied…that you kept this from me out of love?”

Ned speaks up before Emily has a chance. “What we’re saying is that when you love
someone, it’s tough to always make the right choices. And sometimes you keep things
from them out of fear of losing that love.”

I can forgive them for hiding the truth, but what about for Ned kissing me in the
first damn place? Should I forgive him for stealing my moment and forever changing
history? Emily’s phone rings before I can decide.

Ned and I stare at each other silently until we both detect the panic in Emily’s voice.
“Oh my God, are you sure?” Her wide, helpless eyes flit between us. “Has everyone
at club left?” She pauses and the uneasy feeling I had before returns. “Uh-huh. Yes!
I think her name is Mrs. Meyers. Call me right back.” Her hand is shaking as she hits
the button.

Ned is instantly at her side, arm around her shoulder. “What’s wrong? Was that Eric?”

“Yes, he’s at the school, but Sophie’s not there.” Her voice is shaking, eyes watery.

“Does he know if she showed up at guitar club?” Ned asks, and then my heart lurches
in my chest as Emily shakes her head.

“Guitar club?” I ask, as my pulse races around my body.

“Eric is searching for the teacher to see if she made it there. All the other kids
have left.”

“She was at guitar club?” I ask again even though it is clear she was. Sophie asked
me at Christmas break if I would help at guitar club if she joined. That explains
the anxious feeling when Emily mentioned Sophie was at club practice. I just didn’t
put it together. “Emily, I totally forgot. I’m so sorry.” This is my fault. If I hadn’t
been so caught up in my own problems this might not have happened. My stomach turns,
and I think I’m going to be sick. “If I had been there…”

“Stop, Jax.” She takes my hands in hers. “You didn’t even know it had started.”

“I should have,” I say and shake my head. “I should have.”

I can’t breathe. I’m drowning in my fear, choking on failure. Instinctively, I pick
up Ben, hold his head against my chest. I won’t pass out if I’m holding my child.
God, please, please, let Sophie be there
. I think I’m saying this in my head, but Jax and Ned are at my side, rubbing my back,
telling me it’s going to be okay. But they don’t know. That’s just what you say in
situations like these. And that’s especially what you say to someone like me, who’s
on the verge of losing it. It’s difficult to ignore the irony of the last two years.
What had all of my psychotically driven efforts to keep my children safe done to protect
Sophie? But there was no time for, or point to, dwelling on this now. So I push the
thought to a corner like a naughty puppy to deal with later.

“I don’t understand,” I say to no one in particular. “They’re supposed to take roll
at club. They’re supposed to know who should be there.” I gasp, sucking in a large
chunk of air that doesn’t take. “How long has she been gone? I should have told Eric
to call the police.”

“I’m sure he will once they check the school,” Ned says. His words stab me in the
gut. My eyes cut to his. “But they’re going to find her,” he adds, realizing what
he’s just said.

I check the time on my cell for what seems like the hundredth time. “It’s been six
minutes.” Six minutes of that pulse pounding hell in my brain, waiting for Eric’s
call. I scan the room, not looking for Sophie, but searching for something to take
this pain away. I’m surrounded by alcohol, but what kind of mother would I be to take
a drink at a time like this? I need my mind clear, focused. I’m ready to scream when
my cell rings. I hand Ben to Ned.

“Eric!”

“I found Mrs. Meyers back up at the office. Honey, she doesn’t remember seeing Sophie.”

I will myself to stay calm. “How is that possible?”

“It’s the first day. All club kids met in the cafeteria, and then they broke up into
their groups. She said Sophie definitely wasn’t with her but may have been there in
the beginning with everyone. She said it’s possible she accidentally went to a different
group, but they’re all dismissed.”

I’m not used to hearing Eric’s voice sound so desperate. He’s always been my rock,
even with James’s accident. I need him strong. “We have to call the police, now! I’m
coming over there.”

“I already called. They’re on their way. Every person left on campus is searching
the school. Can you call her friends’ mothers? The police are here. Let me call you
back.” Silence. He’s gone.

This is not happening. My brain rewinds to this morning. I watch Sophie wave from
her classroom door as she enters. Pink skirt, white shirt with a silver princess crown
embroidered on the front, hair down with a little braid dangling from one side.
This is not real
. The phone spills out of my hand and onto the counter. I run both hands over my face
and into my hair, pulling tightly at the roots, my eyes glued to Ben who is clueless
and all smiles.
My babies…why does God keep trying to take my babies
? My teeth clench together as I pull tighter on my hair. I close my eyes, begging
for the echoes of my pounding heart to stop. After a moment, wetness covers my lips.
I run my tongue over them. Strangely, the salty tears remind me of the beach.
Imagine the beautiful waves, the soft ocean breeze
. I need something to focus on. I draw in a long, slow breath, hold it for two seconds,
then exhale. My eyes open to Ned and Jax staring at me.

“What can we do?” Jax says.

Somehow, my whole body quiets and comes under my control. I untangle my hands from
hair, pick up my phone, plans formulating in my mind. “Ned, call Eric back and tell
him Sophie was wearing a pink skirt and her white princess shirt. Jax, help me start
calling some of these moms.” My voice is steady, determined. I scroll through my contacts
as Jax grabs a pen and paper from behind the counter.

When I see Ned has hung up, I ask him to call Eric’s mother, Rosa. She can watch Ben
and James at the house while we search for Sophie. He asks her to bring any of Eric’s
family members that can get away. We’re not wasting any time waiting, and until I
know Sophie is safe, I will do everything in my power to find her. “Pictures!” I say
in between calls. “We need to go home to get pictures. Eric has some on his phone,”
I remember. I think about calling him for an update, but I don’t want to waste precious
moments. I have to trust he’ll call when they find her. Because they
will
find her.

Jax’s boss comes from the back, concern etched in his face. He jumps in, immediately
offering to help.

Remaining at the bar is not a good idea. Each call I make takes time, so I ask Ned
to drive me around while I continue the calls. Jax and Matthew take her car while
Ben and I go with Ned. We plan to meet back at the house after each of us has checked
spots that Sophie can possibly get to—places she is familiar with.

As we drive, I glance at Ned, making sure he is fine behind the wheel. I see his chest
moving quickly up and down, his eyes darting around. No matter what his reassuring
words say, I know my twin. He’s frightened out of his mind. I think of James and pray
he’s not terrified for his sister. I can only hope that Eric didn’t tell him the whole
truth.

Scanning the streets, I try to keep my mind clear of the horrific scenes that attempt
to flash before my eyes: a tiny body lying alone, a scared confused girl, too many
scenarios battling for my attention. Trying to suck me into a downward spiral. “Stop!”
I shout involuntarily. Ned snaps his head my way, begins to slow and pull to the side.
“Where?” he asks.

I can’t tell him I was screaming at the images in my head. “God, no. I’m sorry. Keep
going, Ned.” I check the back to make sure Ben is okay. He’s eating goldfish crackers
and staring out the window like he’s joining the search.

I finally reach one of the moms whose daughter went to club today. She asks her while
I wait on the phone. A moment later she tells me her daughter saw Sophie at the beginning
of club, during the intro. I hang up and Ned pulls to the curb of the park near our
house. My cell rings as I’m getting Ben out, who thinks we’re there to play. Ned chases
him to the sandbox.

“Em, where are you?” Eric asks. He sounds a million miles away.

“At the park. Any news?” I execute a 360-degree scan of the area while I wait for
his update. A man walking a bulldog off in the distance, a woman pulling cans out
of the trash, two women pushing toddlers in swings.

“The police have everything. They say you should go home right away. It’s the first
place kids tend to go.”

I pause, feeling lost in the middle of the park, a small speck on a giant spinning
sphere. I gaze far behind the trees and out to the freeway thinking how much more
lost and frightened Sophie must be at this very minute. She could be anywhere by now.

“Emily!”

Eric’s voice cuts in. Hearing him use my name leaves me even more out of sorts. Neither
of us are ourselves. “I’m here.”

“How are you holding up? You gotta stay strong, baby.”

I swallow and answer. “I know. I will. And I have Ned. We’ll go to the house. What
about you?”

“Right now they’re searching the whole school, room to room. So I’ll stay here until
that’s done.”

“Ok,” is all I can manage.

“We’re going to find her, babe.”

I hang up and see Ned coming toward me with Ben. “I asked those ladies over there,
but they haven’t seen her,” he says.

“Eric says we have to check the house.”

●●●

By the time we pull up to the house, it’s been almost an hour. I race to the door,
unlock it, and rush in. I begin room to room checking and calling, even though it’s
not likely she managed to get into the locked house. Ned is right behind me with Ben.

Five minutes later, I’m on the sofa, arms leaning on my legs with my face buried in
my hands. Not a sign of Sophie. I can’t hold it in any longer. I sob through my fingers,
gasping for air. My mind goes to a thousand different places as I try to get myself
under control. I see myself, years from now, still mourning the loss of my daughter,
knowing it was all my fault. That I wasn’t there to protect her. A tiny hand touches
my wrist. “Mama.” I pop my head up, lift Ben to my lap. “Brubby, sissy, pway?” It’s
not that James and Sophie play with Ben after school, but he always asks. I rub his
back, put on a smile, and say, “They’ll be home soon.”

Only now do I notice Ned standing by the open, door peering out. Thank God for my
brother. “Jax just pulled up,” he says. He leans out, scanning the street. “Looks
like she brought some people.”

I go to the door as Jax is walking up the driveway with Travis. We exchange a quick,
wordless conversation that tells us neither has found Sophie. Jax hugs me, and it’s
all I can do to keep from crying again. “Thank you,” I say as she releases me. I glance
out to the street and see two cars and a truck. “They’re all here to help?”

“I called in some favors,” she says, shrugging. “They’re ready for whatever you need.”

I set up the printer to make photocopies of pictures I have of Sophie. Ned takes over
printing while I call and check in with Eric. Minutes later, Travis exits my front
door to hand off a stack of photos to one carload of Jax’s friends. As he walks back
in, he says they will keep in touch by cell. Thankfully, Rosa arrives a few minutes
later, ragged and worried. She grabs my face, kisses my cheek, then looks me in the
eye. “They will find your baby. Sophie’s coming home, dulce madre.” She takes Ben
to put him down for a nap while Jax and I sit on the couch, trying to sort things
out.

We sit, knees toward each other touching, hands held tight in the middle. “You’re
doing great,” Jax says, “Hang in there.”

“I don’t know what I’d do if you and Ned weren’t here.”

“We’ll take care of whatever you need. We’re going to find her.”

Travis enters the room and sets down two waters on the coffee table in front of us,
then leaves the house armed with more photocopies. “She’s out there somewhere. My
baby girl…she needs me.”

“I know. I’m sorry. But we can figure this out. Could she have gone to the beach?”

“No, remember when she walked in on Eric watching Shark Week?”

“Right.”

“She hasn’t gotten over that yet.”

“Was she upset at you or Eric or one of the kids for some reason?”

“No, none of us. It doesn’t make sense. Why would Sophie leave like that? Unless…”
I can’t even say the words. Nausea floods over me. I wrap my arms around my stomach.
My eyes blink away tears, willing away the image of someone stealing my child.

“No!” Jax says. “Don’t even think like that.” Her eyes water up. She glances down.
“I’m so sorry, Emily. If I had been there like I should have, this might not have
happened.”

“I told you. This is not your fault. I don’t blame you. You’re a part of my family,
and I let you down. That’s why…” I stand abruptly. “Oh my God!”

“What?” Jax bounces up next to me. “What is it? Did you remember something?”

“Sophie wanted to know why I wasn’t picking her up today. I told her Ned and I had
hurt your feelings…that we did something wrong.” I look Jax square on. I grab her
shoulders trying to contain myself. “I told Sophie that when you hurt a friend that
is so special to you, that you need to do whatever it takes to make it up to them,
and that’s why I couldn’t pick her up. You see? Because we were going to see you.”

Jax’s brows furrow together like she’s worried I’ve lost my mind. “Em, I don’t get
it.”

“Remember Sophie’s friend, Keeley? From the party?”

“Yeah.”

“Sophie was on the phone with her the other night. She hung up visibly upset, but
wouldn’t talk to me about it. At the time, I figured it was silly girl stuff. But
you know how she is, so sensitive to other people’s feelings, so determined to right
wrongs, so…”

“So, me?” Jax says, quietly.

“Yes. Maybe after what I said about you, she wanted to make things right with her
friend.”

“But I thought she moved?”

“She did, with her mother. But her father still lives…my gosh, near the school!”

Jax sprints toward the hall. “I’ll get Ned and tell Rosa we’re leaving.”

Travis stays behind with Rosa while Ned, Jax, and I pile in Ned’s car to make our
way over to Keeley’s father’s home. My eyes frantically search the streets as we drive
and I relay directions. I pray that I still remember which house. Then we pass the
school and my heart sinks. Two police cars are still sitting out front. “Should we
stop?” Ned says.

“There’s nobody out front. Keep going. I’m texting Eric to let him know we’re checking.”
I send him quick directions.

My mind is a blur when we get to the street. All the houses appear the same. I’d only
been here twice in three years, so I’m not sure which house it is. “Pull over here.”
I try to call her mother to get the address, but there is no answer. The three of
us get out and immediately scan up and down the street. A car is pulling into a driveway
about fifty yards down. A teenage boy rides on a skateboard.