Cinnamon Toast and the End of the World (23 page)

He came running over. ‘Stephen! You okay?’

I asked him what he meant by that. He shrugged. ‘Looks like you’ve been through some shit.’

If I said anything, I’d have to tell him why they did it, what they were calling me the whole time.

‘Don’t want to get into it.’ I hoped I sounded blank and manly.

Mark was weaving around, trying to get me to look him in the eye. ‘But you
are
okay. Right?’

I nodded. He lit a cigarette, offered me one. ‘So, you wanna come by tonight? Watch TV or something?’

I couldn’t think of the last time I’d been to Mark’s place. But it was nice of him. I said I’d be there after supper.

‘Cool. See you then.’ A little punch on the shoulder, same as always. I stood watching him go.

The bathroom. How did those guys know where I’d be? They hadn’t been waiting in the stalls all day, obviously. But I guess
I was predictable. I’d never go during the breaks. Always while class was on, usually about twenty minutes into Math. You
could practically get out a stopwatch and time it. If you knew me really well.

He didn’t ask why my hair was wet.

Don’t even think it.

I turned, kept walking. Didn’t want to talk to Mark. Or Patty or Eleanor or my mom or anybody.

I wanted to talk to Lana.

I’d call her and she’d hang up. I’d walk next to her and she’d cross to the other side of the street. I wrote her letters,
made her a mix tape. Nothing.

Now I’d had enough. This was going to end today. I marched to the Kovalenko house, jumped the steps on the veranda, banged
on the door. I waited. Somebody’s wind chimes were clunking random notes in the distance.

The door opened a crack. It was her. ‘Lana, I—’

She slammed it shut. I could see her through the pebbled glass on the window, walking away.

I kept thumping on the door, ringing the bell. Even kicked it a couple of times. Then Lana’s dad was ambling towards me, a
roundish blue blur. He pushed open the door and squinted into the sunlight.

‘Stepan, listen. I’m trying to relax here.’ He was in a T-shirt and sweatpants, bare feet. I’d probably interrupted him at
yoga. ‘She won’t talk to you, okay? Just go home, please.’

‘I’m sorry, Mr Kovalenko. I need to see her.’ He was shorter than me, so I slumped down. Didn’t want to seem rude. I wondered
if there was a bruise on my head from the toilet bowl, if I looked like I’d been in a fight.

‘Hey, what’s this all about, anyway?’ he said. ‘Can I ask? I’ve never seen Svetlana like this.’

‘Um …’ Something was bubbling away in the kitchen, probably potatoes. ‘Well, Mr Kovalenko, I …’ Oh, fuck it. Maybe if I made
this sacrifice, she’d come back.

‘I was … I was kind of …’ I stared over his shoulder at a piece of Ukrainian folk art in the hall. ‘I was sort of messing
around.’ Happy peasants dancing in a circle. ‘With her boyfriend.’

Horrible silence. Mr Kovalenko’s eyes crinkled. ‘You mean you were fighting? Like, you hit the guy?’

I became aware of Lana’s mother standing behind him. ‘Sweetheart, you really should go home. She doesn’t want to see you.
Just respect that. Huh?’

‘Can’t make any sense out of this kid,’ Mr Kovalenko told her.

‘Well, I meant …’ I felt dizzy. ‘We were … fooling around. Messing around. Me and Adam.’ They stared at me. A big, heavy fly
coasted through the door over Mr Kovalenko’s head.

‘Making out. We were making out.’

Mrs Kovalenko’s eyes were getting bigger. She got it. ‘Stephen! You don’t mean you did something sexual with this boy?’

Mr Kovalenko grinned. ‘Course he doesn’t mean that, Larissa.’

I swallowed. ‘Yeah, I do.’

He clapped his hand over his mouth. ‘Holy shit!’ Burst into shocked laughter.

Lana’s mother took a step backwards. ‘Oh, my God—’

‘Mrs Kovalenko, please don’t tell my mom!’

‘Don’t worry,’ she said. ‘I am not
touching
this one.’ She turned and headed back into the dark house.

I was left alone with Mr Kovalenko. ‘Ah, Stepan. Guess it was too good to be true, huh? The boy next door. Even part Ukrainian.’
Big sigh. ‘
Tse kinets’ svitu. Tse kinets’ svitu
.’

Behind him, I could see Lana and her mother arguing in the hall. Lana looked up.

‘Stephen,’ she said. ‘You
told
them?’

First words she’d said to me since the party. I couldn’t help smiling.

Lana’s mother ordered her to go back upstairs, said she’d get rid of me. Lana made a snorting noise at her. She turned and
left her mother in the hallway, swept past her father at the door, took my arm and escorted me down the front walk. Her mother
stayed on the veranda and told her husband that their daughter was crazy and wouldn’t listen.

We found ourselves in the park by the river. Somebody had mowed the whole expanse of it down to a buzz cut of green, but on
the edge near the water there was tall grass, Queen Anne’s Lace, clusters of daisies. A set of steps led to a tiny pier –
a platform of wooden boards suspended on the water. We headed down without saying a word.

This was probably the most private place in town. There was the steep wall of the riverbank on one side, shielding us from
the rest of the park. On the other side, only water, green fields and cows grazing on the opposite shore, the railway station
standing quiet and empty. I could feel the sun warming the back of my neck. My hair was nearly dry. We sat facing each other.

Lana was in black again, a big black skirt and black tank top. She took off her clunky sandals, seemed extremely interested
in scraping thick purple lacquer off this one toenail. Then she glanced up at me.

‘So, Mark tells me you had sex with a girl.’

I started to laugh. ‘He
said
that?’

She was smiling in a hesitant way, like she didn’t really see the joke.

‘No. Lana, no. That never happened. I mean, I got kind of close for a minute, but …’ And I told her the whole story of Tina
in the truck and Stacey listening, making it sound even worse than it was. ‘Trust me,’ I said, ‘I am
never
doing that again.’

Lana looked out over the water. ‘It’s funny. Or maybe it isn’t. You sneaking off with Adam was humiliating, all right …’ I
told her again that I was sorry. She shook her head. ‘But, it was the girl, Stephen. Thinking about you and that girl just
made me crazy.’

I lit a cigarette. ‘That’s weird.’ Something was bugging me. ‘Hey, what were you doing talking to Mark anyway? You guys never
hang out.’

‘Oh, you know. Went over to his place to fuck him.’

I sat bolt upright, felt like I was being smothered.

‘I thought it would make us even,’ she said. ‘You stole my boyfriend.’

‘That is
not
the same! And I didn’t—’ Jesus Christ, the two of them together. I threw my cigarette in the river.

‘Calm down, Stephen. His little sister came home before anything could happen. Thank God. I mean, he’s not even that attractive.
And all I could think of was how he’d talk about it later to those other troglodytes.’

‘And me.’

‘And you.’

I’d had enough of this stupid fight. I slid myself closer. ‘Listen. I am
really, really sorry. I was a selfish tool. But I think you should forgive me now.’ I took both her hands in mine. ‘I love
you. You know I do.’

‘Yeah, I know, Stephen. You love me. Like I’m your sister. And I—’ Her eyes were shut, her head bowed.

‘Are you okay? What’s wrong?’

‘I love you,’ Lana said. ‘Like …’

She couldn’t finish. I didn’t want her to. I realised I’d moved away – just a few centimetres, but it was enough. Lana was
looking into my face now.

‘You’re so stupid. You’re so smart, Stephen, but you’re so fucking dumb. What I mean is …’ Still clutching my hands. ‘I’m
yours. You’re mine. We’re supposed to be together. Why don’t you get that?’

‘But—’

‘I knew it from the first night I met you. You remember? When my parents had that lame party. I was watching at the window
when you were walking home with your mom. And I thought,
That’s it. There’s my boyfriend
…’

Her voice failed and she turned away. I never wanted to see her like this. Rejected, getting her heart broken. And I was the
one who was hurting her. I moved closer.

‘Don’t, Lana. Don’t. It’s okay.’ I put my arms around her shoulders, smoothed her spiky hair.

She reached up and kissed me.

I kissed her back. My first impulse was to pull away, but I wouldn’t let myself. I was so tired of disappointing people.

We sat locked together on the platform, mouths and tongues working against each other. Sunlight was bouncing off the water,
little waves jostling us. It was like the trampoline, that day at her place. But we knew who we were now. No more confessions.

She broke away from me so she could peel off her tank top. There was a black lace bra underneath and she unhooked it and slid
the straps over her shoulders. Red marks were branded into her skin from the elastic. It didn’t seem fair that I should see
this.

So whitely naked. I wanted to cover her.

She lay back, pulled me down to the platform. We kissed. She guided my hands where she wanted them. I kept my eyes closed,
tried to concentrate on supporting my weight so I wasn’t squishing her. There were sharp bolts of pain whenever I’d bump against
something and set off one of the sore spots where I’d been hit. She pulled up her skirt until it bunched in a wide band around
her waist. Somewhere above us a crow gave a rasping caw and flew off over the water. You could hear its wings slicing the
air.

Lana undid the front of my jeans, started touching me. My whole body sort of backed away. I couldn’t help it.

‘I can’t. I can’t do this, Lana.’

‘But you can. That girl. You said you were really close …’

‘No. Not with you.’

She shut her eyes. It looked like the tears were coming.

Fucking agony. How could I leave her like that, half her clothes off in a public park? How could I do anything else?

So we did it. We had sex.

She kissed me and told me she loved me. She guided me in and I pushed against her. And I felt so ashamed. I didn’t even know
why.

I wasn’t moving very easily. Those bruises from the bathroom were making everything painful and my knees were burning as they
scraped the platform. Her head started to knock against the boards. I tried to reach my hand around to cushion her. Stopped
for a second, breathing hard.

‘Lana, are you okay? Does it hurt?’

‘Shh. Course not.’

She ran her hands along my back and kissed me again, but I couldn’t really concentrate on two things at once, still pushing
into her and wondering how long it would take to finish. I noticed we were edging forward along the platform, and if I didn’t
watch it we’d both be in the water. Lana made a soft moaning noise. Was she into this? Or just trying to encourage me?

I thought about Adam. I thought about Mark. I watched the shadow of my head moving back and forth. Closed my eyes so I wouldn’t
see it. Or her.

Then I was very close. It happened so suddenly – overwhelming and impossible to stop, like a sneeze. And at the last second,
I remembered: this is how babies are made. She wouldn’t be taking those pills anymore. I panicked and wrenched myself away.
Then I lay gasping and expiring on the platform as the sun poured down on us.

So embarrassing.
Please look at something else, Lana
.

I blushed deeply, crawled away and tried to clean myself up. Beside me my friend lay sprawled like a road accident. There
was blood, on both of us. Of course. Her first time. I was shaking and I couldn’t look at her. My back was against the riverbank,
my knees pulled up to my chest and my arms around my knees.

‘Stephen, I’m so …’ A small, defeated voice. ‘I thought … I thought you’d like it with me.’ She was crouching with her arms
crossed over her chest. Her top and bra were in a black tangle by my feet. I slid them over. She turned away and starting
squirming back into her things.

‘A bunch of guys stuck my head in the toilet today.’

Lana was dressed again, sitting up close. ‘So you waited to tell me until after I kissed you.’

That made me smile. She brushed the side of my neck with her fingertips. I flinched away without meaning to.

Then I felt terrible. The look on her face.

‘Lana …’ I wrapped my arms tight around her. We sank to the boards of the platform and stretched out, let the sun warm us.

‘I just wanted you to be my friend again,’ I said.

‘I’ll always be your friend, Stephen.’ The tears came back, she was shuddering against my collarbone. I wished she’d stop
because she was setting me off too. Waves slapped the side of the platform.

‘Jesus Christ,’ I whispered. ‘Couple of losers, huh?’

She laughed softly. A freight train hurtled past the railway station across the river. The cows didn’t even look up.

‘Hey,’ I said, ‘want to go to the prom with me?’

She didn’t answer for a minute. Maybe she thought I was joking. Then she asked me if I was sure I wanted to be there, with
everything that had happened and all the awful stuff that was going on at school. But I did. Even more.

‘It’s my prom too,’ I told her. ‘And yours. Come on.’

‘Oh, God.’ Tracing my jawline with one finger. ‘This is not how I pictured this moment at all. But yes. I’d love to.’

So I had my friend back. And I had a prom date. Although there were moments of weirdness between us that never quite went
away, not for months. If I saw Lana turning her eyes on me, kind of sad and wistful, I’d make cross-eyed faces at her, or
we’d just sit with our arms around each other and wait it out. And I had my moments too, when something would trigger the
memory of that afternoon in the park and I’d be barely able to look at her. But I was determined this whole mess wasn’t going
to force us apart.

Classes finished the next day. Exams came and went. I could have
written them in my sleep. Maybe I did. A few days afterwards, Lana and my mother took me out to a tux rental place and got
me suited up for the prom. I really wanted this polyester blue thing with a ruffled shirt that made me look like a sleazy
game-show host – I was going to draw on a fake moustache and everything – but the women wouldn’t allow it. So I went home
with the standard black and white number instead.