Chiaroscuro (21 page)

Ben leaned against the headboard, watching Jamie's naked backside as he left the bedroom for the kitchen, and then got out of bed to follow him.

***

It was raining again, so Jamie made coffee and opened the doors to the sun room to let in the fresh air. He spread out his drawings and sat cross-legged on the floor, a cup of coffee at hand, to look through them and decide what to have mounted and framed for the show.

He'd drawn Dune a dozen times, more than that, stylish in a suit or beautiful naked. He'd drawn Ocean and Frances, Dune's mothers, sitting next to each other on a bench with Ocean's head on Frances' shoulder. He'd drawn Leo and Adam with their foreheads pressed together, eyes closed. He'd drawn Aidan at work, feet propped up on a desk and a sketchbook in his lap, nibbling on a pencil. He'd drawn Daniel, eyes sleepy, mouth half-smiling. He'd drawn Ben from every angle, strong arms and long thighs, smiling, serious, asleep. He'd drawn the city, Coit Tower, the Bridge, the ruined Sutro Baths, wide-eyed koi from the Japanese Tea Garden. He'd drawn the ocean, low waves in Santa Cruz and deep currents in the Bay.

He'd drawn Micah.

Those drawings went back into the portfolio.

That left dozens of others, even after he separated out the ones that felt incomplete or artificial. He leafed through them, sipping his coffee, the rain his only soundtrack.

It took a moment for him to realize someone was knocking on his door, and he put the coffee cup aside and got up to answer it. It was Dune--Jamie hugged him and kissed his cheek. "You're adjusting to your life of leisure quite well, I'd say."

"I should have been a columnist since I graduated. It suits me so much better than a desk job." He took off his jacket and shook out his rain-damp hair. "What are you up to?"

"Also pursuing my life of leisure. Have you talked to Leo today? And do you want some coffee?"

"I'd love some." He followed Jamie into the kitchen. "I haven't yet--he's at work. Did something happen?"

"Yes," Jamie said and flashed him a grin before pouring him some coffee. "He brought his friend Simon by yesterday to see my work."

"Oh," Dune said, smiling too, and took the cup. "And he fell immediately in love and wants to make you the next--which is better? That guy who married the Italian porn star or that guy who wraps islands in plastic?"

"I'm not going to marry a porn star," Jamie said with a shudder and gave him the sugar bowl. "But he did fall in love with my work, so I get a show in February."

Dune laughed out loud and put down his cup to hug Jamie tight and kiss his cheek. "So everybody will see how brilliant you are."

"Oh, Dunie," Jamie muttered. "Thanks."

Dune stepped back, holding him by the shoulders, and looked into his eyes, tilting his head. "Hm. Something's wrong. You should be more effervescent, given the circumstances."

"I am not a glass of Alka-Seltzer, thank you." He went to get his own cup and refill it. "Micah also came by last night."

"Oh," Dune said and drank.

"He said he wanted me back."

"Oh, my God," Dune said.

"Yeah. I told him to talk to me when he's figured out who he really is."

"How'd he take it?"

"How do you think?"

"Badly." Dune slowly nodded.

"Ben was there. That didn't help."

"Oh," Dune said again and smiled a little this time as he sipped.

"What's that look for?"

"Do I have a look?" His smile grew wider. "Ben was there, you told Micah to take a hike...is the word I want 'kismet'?"

"I don't believe in fate," Jamie said, shaking his head.

"There are things that exist whether you believe in them or not," Dune remarked.

"Any more words of wisdom, O Font of Profundity?" Jamie went back into the sun room. Dune followed him and lounged on the floor with his cup, and sorted through a few drawings.

"He who forgets the sugar must drink his coffee black," he said absently and lay on his back to look at a drawing. "Wow, Jamie. I didn't know you'd drawn this."

"From memory. I'm not going to display the more personal ones."

"Why not?" He turned the drawing around to show Jamie: it showed Dune reclining, naked but for a bead necklace, sweat glistening on his skin, one leg drawn up and a dreamy expression on his face. "I'm gorgeous."

"Come to the opening and everyone can see for themselves."

He put the picture back in the pile and turned onto his stomach. "Jamie, darling, you have my permission to display any picture of me you want. I'm sure everybody else you've drawn will say the same." He looked through a few more pages. "None of Micah."

"He won't say the same. He wouldn't want anyone to see the drawings I made of him." He fidgeted and sipped his coffee. "I mostly drew him in bed."

"Do I get to see?" Jamie sighed and handed him the portfolio folder, which Dune eagerly unzipped. He whistled when he saw the drawings. "Damn. He's beautiful."

"I know." He drew up his knees and rested his chin on them.

"You're not having second thoughts, are you?"

"No..." He sighed. "Maybe a little. I mean, what if I made the wrong choice? What if I should have taken him in instead of sending him away? What if--"

"Jamie." Dune lays his hand on top of Jamie's. "You didn't take him back because you know he'd only pull the same shit over and over until he grows up. And who knows if he'll grow up. Some people never do.

"So, you let him go and you get with somebody who is a grownup. Like Ben Gallagher. Which is not to say I think he's done growing up either but he's a lot closer to it than Micah is."

"I think you're the only grownup I know," Jamie said gloomily.

"Frances says I was born thirty years old." He sipped his coffee.

Jamie sipped his too. "Ben stayed over last night. We were up half the night talking." He drank more. "And fucking."

Dune stared and said nothing, and Jamie resisted the urge to snap his fingers in his face. He said, "I don't think I threw Micah out to impress Ben. But maybe I did."

"It must have impressed the hell out of him, if he broke his rule."

Jamie shrugged. "I think he was just horny."

"And turned on by shows of power?"

"Possibly. I asked him to stay until I fell asleep and he did, and he was gone when I woke up."

"He works at six in the morning."

"I know that. I hoped for something more, I suppose."

"Like what? Breakfast in bed?"

"Maybe. And I know Ben's the wrong guy if I want that sort of thing."

"I'm not seeing the problem, Jamie. It's better to know what you're getting into than to expect things that are never going to happen. Ben's not going to tell people you're only his best friend. He's not going to invent excuses or pretend to be something that he's not. You could do a lot worse."

"But could I do better?" Jamie said.

"Only you know that for sure."

Jamie drank his coffee. "Thank you. That's very helpful."

"I live to serve." He looked out the window. "Mm. The rain's stopped."

"Wait five minutes. It'll start again." He sighed, thought a moment, and got to his feet. "I'm hungry. Let's go out. Have you eaten?"

"Not since breakfast." He stood up too, and reached out to pull Jamie to him. Jamie closed his eyes and leaned his head against Dune's shoulder. "You're going to be fine, Jamie. I promise."

"Should I add prognostication to your list of superpowers?" He smiled.

"Definitely. Right there with the killer blow jobs."

Jamie laughed and moved out of his arms. "I'll go put some shoes on."

***

"So, who are you going to be for Halloween?" Dune said over pancakes in a coffee shop down the street.

"I'm not going to dress up this year."

"Nonsense. Halloween is the one time of year to be your truest self--it's not an opportunity to be missed."

"My truest self," Jamie repeated. "Indeed. So your truest self is a pirate and a ninja and whoever the hell you were that first year."

"King Arthur," Dune said. "I was King Arthur."

"Of course you were. I think you're more of a Lancelot type, myself."

"Maybe next year. This year I think I'm a vampire. Or Paris of Troy. I haven't quite decided yet."

"My true self will be watching scary movies and handing out candy this year."

"I'll sic my dad on you if you don't come."

"Yes, Leo is terrifying," Jamie said dryly. "He'll nod, sip from a cup of tea and tell a story about the full moon."

Dune chuckled and nodded. "Yeah, I love my daddy. But you have to come, Jamie. It won't be as much fun without you--and Ben will be disappointed." Jamie looked up at him and Dune smiled. "Now that you're sleeping with him I'm going to use that to every advantage. You knew that already."

"I didn't think your nefarious ways ran so deep. Besides, I doubt it would matter to him that much."

Dune ate a few bites of his pancakes. "You know, I haven't known Ben long but he's really not hard to figure out. And you know the thing about him, I think? He's scared."

"A big bloke like that, scared?"

"Not of pain--of disappointing people. It's easier to tell everyone not to have any expectations than to risk not being enough." He sipped his coffee. "I think the end of his marriage hurt him a lot more than he likes to let on."

"He shouldn't have got married in the first place."

"Who makes all the right choices at twenty-one? I didn't. Except maybe hanging on to you." He grinned and Jamie smiled back. "But my point is, don't be too hard on Benjie--but don't be too easy on him, either."

"And how do you suggest I do that?"

"For one thing, tell him you'll see him at the party."

"And go from there, I suppose."

"Exactly. Faint of heart never won fair of hand." Dune frowned. "Something like that."

"I'm not trying to win him."

"I know, Jamie," Dune said in an indulgent tone.

"Or keep him or date him or anything like that. He's just nice to be around."

"Everybody wants to be loved, Jamie. Even Ben Gallagher." He sipped his coffee. "Even me."

"Dunie, you are so beloved you trail hearts and flowers behind you wherever you go."

Dune gave him a look over his coffee cup and then looked out the window. "You know, the last time I had a steady boyfriend was in college."

"It's not all it's cracked up to be, trust me."

"It's still nice to--never mind."

His face was far more serious than Jamie had ever seen it. He said, "To have somebody to trust completely. With all of you, with all your secrets, all your troubles, all your--everything. But that's what you've got me for, Bellamy."

"I love you, too, Makepeace, but you don't know everything about me. Don't tell yourself that you do."

Jamie felt chastised and wondered why. "I know where you're ticklish and where you like to be kissed--that's a start."

Dune looked at him, and then smiled. "Yes, I suppose it is. Anyway. If you can't think of costume I'll help you, but you're coming to the party no matter what."

"You know my true self?"

"I think I have a general idea." The waiter came with their check and Dune smiled at him cheerfully. The waiter smiled back and walked away much more slowly than he'd come.

"I think you're in there," Jamie remarked.

"I think I am. I keep promising myself nobody who's working their way through school…but he is very cute. Of course, true love never comes from these random hookups, does it?"

"I'm sure there are people who do have one-night stands that never end.  Can't think of anybody I know who had a relationship start that way, though."

"Neither can I." He counted out a few bills from his wallet and added when Jamie took out his, "I've got it."

"I can contribute. I'm not as skint as I may appear."

"Consider it a bribe to come to my party."

"Thanks." Jamie leaned his head on his hand. "So who is my true self, then?"

Dune considered him thoughtfully. "Cupid?"

"No."

"All right...how about Picasso?"

"I don't want to shave my head."

"We could put you in a Navy uniform and everyone could say 'hello, sailor' to you all night."

"And how is that my true self?"

Dune started to answer, then stretched and smiled at him. "I don't know--I think I just want to see you in the white pants."

Jamie laughed. "Very well, then. My true self is your fantasy."

"Aren't our fantasies always more true than our public face?" he said in a reasonable tone. "Come on, let's go home."

Chapter Eleven

"No," Jamie said when Dune took the costume out of the bag from the costume shop.

"Why not?" said Dune in surprise. "You said a Navy uniform was okay."

"Yes, but--" He picked up the trousers. "These have to be two sizes too small."

Dune looked innocent. "Aren't you a thirty-two short?"

Jamie checked the label and then looked back at Dune. "You are evil."

"No, I use my powers for good, really." He clipped a belly chain around his hips. He was wearing low-slung leather trousers and a copper-colored mesh shirt that tied closed at the sides, and his feet were bare. He had powdered his face down with baby powder to look pale, painted his lips dark red and lined his eyes in heavy black eyeliner. He still had to put in his vampire teeth but otherwise the look was complete. "Get dressed, people will start arriving soon."

"But I don't--" He sighed. "Fine. If I get my ass pinched all night I blame you."

Dune lunged over and goosed him, laughing when Jamie yelped. "There. You've had the first, you don't have to dread it anymore." He kissed the top of Jamie's head and then went back to his mirror to put in the tiny kitten-like ceramic teeth.

Jamie pulled on the white pants and buttoned them up, not exhaling until they were secure. He looked at himself in Dune's mirror, from the front, the back, and the side. "All right," he said. "I look good."

"Yes, you do." Dune ran his hands through his hair and inspected himself as well--he looked long, lean and dangerous to Jamie's eyes. "And so do I. Come out as soon as you're decent." He quickly kissed Jamie's cheek. "Or sooner."