Chasing Dragonflies (19 page)

“Yeah, that's what my Dad says too.”

“Well you should listen to Charlie, he is a very wise man. How long has this been going on Dex? Huh?”

“Shyla is nearly four.”

“So for four years you have beat yourself up over this shit?”

“Yeah...pretty much,” he huffed.

“Well you know what Dex? Now is the time to start living your life. Your wife is not coming back. Your daughter is growing up without a dad because of some misguided belief that you are not worthy of her. You know I lived through six years of hell, that I had zero control over. I was taken away from the world and locked up. You...you have lived through the past four years of hell and it's been your own doing Dex. Yes, bad shit has happened to you, bad shit happens, but you can't choose to let it rule your life. Shyla is a beautiful perfectly happy little girl and she is not sitting around crying because her 'real mum' isn't here,” she made air-quotes with her fingers. “She is also not crying over the fact that she can't see is she? She is getting on and living her life. I think it’s you, that can't see that,” she shook her head and turned on her heel, heading back toward Dex's truck.

When he reached the truck he pressed the remote button to unlock the doors and they each climbed into their respective sides. Not a word was spoken the rest of the journey. When they pulled into the drive at her house, Maddie reached over and placed a small kiss on Dex's bearded cheek. “I love you Dex,” she said softly.

He did not say a word, just stared straight ahead. Her heart broke just a little. She wanted to scream and yell at him, but she had said everything she had to say. So she climbed out of the truck, giving him a small wave as he pulled his truck around and she watched as his tyres kicked up dust pulling out of the long drive.

What an emotional day.

Patrick was standing on the front porch when she turned back to the house.

“Trouble in paradise?”

She let out a long sigh, after the events of the morning she was not sure she was ready to deal with Patrick and all his emotional baggage as well.

“No, it's all good Trick. Dex just needs some time to himself to sort through some stuff.”

“Want to talk about it?”

“Nope,” she cut him off short and walked into the house, into her room, closing the door behind her. No she did not want to talk about it. What was there to even talk about anyway?

Dex

It had been four years
and he had been tempted numerous times to have a drink and each time he managed to control his urge. It was three days since he had dropped Maddie off home and not gone back. Three of the longest days ever. She had called, he had not picked up. She had messaged, asking if he was okay. He had ignored her.

Work had gone quiet, he had only one job in all that time, so he had mostly sat around watching TV. Thinking. Thinking about Maddie, about Issy, about Shyla.

Cracking the lid on a bottle of scotch was probably not his smartest move. He knew that, but he knew a lot of things. It still didn't stop him from stuffing things up. Bringing the bottle to his lips, the hard glass bumped his teeth. He tilted it up and the burning liquid slipped into his mouth. Sizzling on his tongue and burning as it made its way down his throat.

“What's going on boy? You've been walking around for days looking like someone stole your girl,” Charlie prodded him as he sat on the couch beside him, raising an eyebrow when he saw the bottle between his legs.

“Like that is it?”

He didn't answer, he barely even looked up. Charlie got up and left the room, returning moments later and snatching the bottle from him. Dex looked up then.

“At least be civilised about it,” his dad smiled, thrusting a glass into his hand and pouring a measure of scotch into it, before pouring a second glass for himself.

Sure, Dex loved his old man, but they didn't really have an open kind of relationship, where they could talk about anything. They were men after all. They could talk about cars for hours.

“I fucked up again Dad,” he sighed.

He missed Maddie like crazy. He wished he could have kept his business to himself, but she had to know sooner or later. For a while there he had managed to pretend like he was a normal person, living a normal life with a normal girlfriend.

“What did you do to her?” His dad scowled.

“I didn't
do
anything to her Dad... I took her around to meet Shyla, then she started asking questions.”

“And?”

“And I told her.”

“Told her what?”

“I told her everything, I told her how I killed Issy and caused Shy's blindness. Now she hates me and wants nothing to do with me.”

“Hmm well that doesn't sound right to me. Maddie didn't strike me as the kind of girl that would be that easily scared off. And anyway, how many times have I told you it was not your fault that Issy died?”

“It damned well is Dad and you know it,” he yelled getting to his feet. “If it weren’t for me she would still be alive. No matter what you say.”

Charlie shook his head. “I can't believe you let those people tell you that...or that you believe their lies son. Issy loved you and they could never cope with that. They always thought you had taken her away. The truth was, they drove her away because they are poisonous, toxic people. They have done nothing but put you down and make you feel worthless since that accident. I have seen it eat away at you.” He rose to his feet, getting right up into Dex's face. His teeth clenched and his face was growing red with anger. “Finally you find someone worth spending your time with and now they are going to get at you again? Are you going to let them drive Maddie away from you too? Just like they tried to do with Issy?”

“You don't understand Dad...”

“Oh I understand Dex, because I have been watching this all along. Maddie doesn't hate you because of what happened to Issy.”

“You don't know that...”

“I do know that and I will tell you how I know—because Maddie is good people Dex. She is genuinely kind, loving, and caring. Tell me I'm wrong.”

He couldn't tell him that, he was not wrong. Maddie was the most genuine, kind, loving and caring woman he had ever met. Even more so than Issy and there was a time in his life that he never would have thought anyone could possibly be better than Issy.

“You are good people too Dex. You have been through hell and you continue to put yourself through hell. You won't let yourself be happy, because of some stupid misguided belief that it will somehow atone for what you feel you have done.”

Dex put his hands on his head and leant back against the wall, sliding down until his bum hit the floor. His dad had never spoken to him like that. In fact he could not recall a time his dad had ever spoken so passionately. Maybe he was right. Maybe he could find happiness. Maybe he did deserve to be happy. Maybe it wasn't too late for him and Maddie. Maybe.

M
addie

“Come on Ash, what's taking
so long?” Maddie called out to Asha, who was still in her room getting dressed. They were going out shopping. Maddie was happy to be back on the road again after finally passing her driving test. Her and Asha had planned on a day trip to get their hair cut, a manicure, and do some much overdue clothes shopping. Much to Xavier's disgust of course.

“I can't decide what shoes to wear,” Asha called back down the hallway.

Maddie marched down there to help. Stopping in the doorway, she took a step back, when she saw the mountain of boots pouring out of Asha's wardrobe onto her floor. Asha sat in the floor amongst them all.

“Seriously Asha?”

“Well I could wear my heels, but if we are walking a lot my feet will get sore, so I'm thinking of my ankle boots, but then I'm not sure if I should wear the brown ones or the black ones. What do you think?”

Maddie felt a laugh bubbling up from her belly and tried to hold it in. “I think you have too many pairs of shoes.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Asha laughed, rolling her eyes.

“Wear the brown ones and let’s go, I'm starving.”

“Okay, brown ones it is then.”

When they eventually made it to the shopping mall, they made a bee line for the eatery.

“No coffee?” Asha asked Maddie as she sipped on a lemonade. Maddie was not a huge fan of coffee, but usually had one when they went out.

“No,” she rubbed her stomach. “The last few days, coffee has been making feel a bit sickly.”

Asha eyed her suspiciously across the table.

“What?” she laughed.

“What? What?” Asha laughed back.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Well, you know I am a nurse right?”

“Ah duh,” Maddie scoffed, using her best Homer Simpson impression.

“Well then you will also believe me then when I tell you most woman will say that's the first thing they notice when they are pregnant. That they go off coffee or it makes them feel sick.”

“What!” she laughed.

“It's true...when was your last period?”

“Oh about 4 years ago.” Maddie quickly calculated in her head as she said it. Might have even been five. The doctors in the hospital had told her that they would have stopped due to the mental and physical stress her body was under. That they may return to normal eventually but not to expect that to happen for a long time, due to her how malnourished she had become.

“Have you and Dex been having unprotected sex?” Asha asked. A very serious look taking over her face.

“Yeah, but...the doctors said,” she tried to argue, but the torrent of thoughts that were rushing through her head were competing with the sudden overwhelming urge to throw up. How could she have been so stupid not to think about the possibility? She hadn't used protection with Tom and he had been the only man she had been with. She was on the pill then, her mum had seen to that. What if she had caught some nasty disease? She was pretty sure Dex had been with some questionable women over the years, she had seen him with that horrible thing at Ex's and Oh's that night. Oh no, how could she have been so stupid and naive?

“Are you okay? You look very pale,” Asha asked, dragging her out of her thoughts.

Looking around the food hall, everyone else was going about their normal lives and hers had just stopped and taken a sudden turn on it's axis.

“No,” she whispered and shook her head. Tears welled behind her eyes. “Fuck Asha, what if I am? What am I going to do?”

Asha moved around the table to sit beside her and put an arm around her shoulders, pulling her in for a hug.

“First things first, we will go get you a test and see what it says yeah? Second? We worry about that when and if the time comes.”

“I think I want to be sick,” she managed to get out, quickly jumping to her feet and running for the doors. She barely made it outside to the small garden bed at the front of the store before losing everything she had just eaten. Shoppers walked by, giving her disgusted looks. She knew it must look bad, but she couldn't help it. She couldn't make it stop. There was a hand on her back, gently rubbing. Asha's hand, she always seemed to be there when she needed her.

When her stomach was finally finished purging Asha handed her a bottle of water. The cool liquid slid down her throat soothing the pain caused form her retching.

“I think we should cancel our appointments and get you home. We'll whiz past the pharmacy and buy you a test kit.”

“I'm sorry Asha,” Maddie said, as she wiped a droplet of water from her bottom lip. “I've ruined our day out. I'm sure I have just picked up a bit of a bug or something.”

She hoped, but the realisation it could be more, was overwhelming.

“Don't be silly, there is nothing for you to be sorry about. Are you going to be okay to drive? Otherwise we can grab a cab and get Xave' to bring you back in later to pick up your car.”

“I'm not leaving my baby here,” she argued, referring to her car. Who knew what might happen leaving her car parked in the city for an extended period of time.

“Okay, as long as you’re feeling well enough.”

“I'll be fine, your place isn't far, I'll hang there for a bit, until I feel better.”

***

“How long until we know the result?” Maddie asked nervously, sitting on the edge of the couch, biting her nails.

Asha had insisted they buy a pregnancy test before they left the mall.

“You should know within two minutes the packet said. Two lines for positive, one for negative.”

“It's been that now...I don't want to look,” she whispered looking up into Asha's big brown eyes.

This was the first time she had been afraid of anything in a very long time. Asha moved and sat beside her on the couch, taking her hand.

“Whatever it is, we'll deal with it okay? You've got this thing. Look at everything you've been through. Let's look together.”

Maddie nodded and reached out to take the test stick from table. She had placed a napkin over the top, as she did not want to peek until the time was up. Bringing it closer, she squinted, even though she could see it perfectly well, but somehow she felt if she squinted it might change the outcome. There on the little plastic strip were the two pink lines that would change her life forever. Regardless of what happened next.

Asha never said a word, just pulled her in for a tight hug. Her mind was awash with thoughts and emotions and yet she could not seem to put two words together. So she just sat and let Asha hug her.

After several long minutes Asha pulled back and scanned her face. Maddie tried not to show too much. She had spent years learning to school her features so her dad didn't know what she was thinking.

The truth was, she was not even sure what to think. Rising to her feet, she announced.

“I'm sorry for ruining our day out. Thank you for...”she waved her hands toward the test, then around the room, “...everything. I think I want to go home and spend some time alone right now.”

“Are you going to be okay?” Asha asked rising and putting her hands out, grabbing her by the elbow.

“I'm going to have a baby...apparently.” Maddie smiled, but only on the outside. On the inside she was twisting and turning in so many different directions, she didn't know which way was up. She knew she would have to speak to Dex but she wasn't sure how that would go. She had not seen him in over a week. Not since the little incident on the side of the road. She had been so worried about him.
She had been
calling and texting him to make sure he was okay, but there was no answer. She figured he was probably embarrassed by what had happened, but did not know where that left her. If only he would speak to her.