Chase of a Lifetime (17 page)

“I’ll call you,” Len said. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“That’s too soon. Give me a few days. You
need time, too.”

Len punched the steering wheel. He didn’t
like being turned down. “Okay. I’ll call you day after tomorrow.”

Before he left, he glanced over at Len and
said, “Basically, you’re saying there’s a good chance we might never be
together and live like a normal couple. I just want to get it clear.”

Len frowned. He looked him in the eye. “Yes.
I won’t lie to you. I’m not sure I can ever come out of the closet.” He
shrugged. “I’m sorry.”

“So am I.”

*****

 
 
 
After
he left Len’s truck, Jim took a shortcut through a group of tall shrubs so he
could use the back door. He didn’t want to wake anyone up. His clothes were
rumpled, his hair was sticking up, and he smelled like his own dried come. He
could still smell Len’s scent all over his unwashed body. Jim had always been
sensitive to smells, which is why he used to sniff Cain Mayfield’s clothes in
high school. And there was something distinct and strong about the scent Len
Mayfield gave off that couldn’t be compared to any other smell on earth. There
were nights when Jim didn’t want to shower after he’d made love to Len just so
he could smell Len for as long as possible.

When Jim tip-toed up the steps and gently
pushed the back door open, his head jerked and he pressed his palm to his
throat when he saw his father sitting in the kitchen at the center island
holding a mug. The stool he sat on faced the back door; he was leaning forward
on his elbows as if waiting for Jim to walk into the house.

“You almost sacred me to death,” Jim said.
He forced a smile and pretended nothing was wrong. “Having a
midnight
snack?” He tried to keep it light and
get upstairs before his father noticed anything unusual about him. He felt like
it was written all over his body…that he’d been fucked senseless by Len
Mayfield in the back of his pickup truck on a back road in the woods.

Radcliff smiled. “It’s four in the morning. I
couldn’t sleep. Some people are starting to get up now.”

Jim inhaled; he could still smell Len. He
was too tired to go through this with his father. “Can’t we talk tomorrow?”

“Where have you been, Jim?” He didn’t raise
his voice; he didn’t lower his eyebrows. His tone remained even and he kept his
gaze fixed on Jim’s terrified expression.

Jim shrugged and headed toward the back
stairs. He had trouble looking his father in the eye. “I’ve been out. I met
Cain tonight and we went out for drinks.” He figured he was safe mentioning
Cain’s name. Going out with his old high school friend sounded normal.

Radcliff frowned and set the mug down on the
counter. “I know where you were earlier. Cain phoned and left a message a few
hours ago. He wanted to thank you for helping him out with some kind of a
problem. That was a long time ago. I’m curious about where you went after that,
especially since your car has been parked outside for most of the night.”

Jim squared his shoulders. “Are you spying
on me? I’m not a child. In case you haven’t noticed I’m a grown man and I
shouldn’t have to answer to anyone.”

“You’re not acting like a grown man,” his
father said. “You’re acting more like a teenager.” He shook his head and rubbed
his eyes. “In fact, that’s exactly what you’re acting like: a spoiled teenager
who doesn’t know what he wants or what he’s doing.”

A rush of adrenaline passed through Jim’s
body. His face grew warm and he clenched his fists. He turned to Radcliff and
said, “Maybe I’m acting like a teenager because I never
was
a teenager.”
He didn’t mean to shout. But it came out much louder than he’d planned. He’d never
once spoken to his father in this tone, not even as a teenager.

“What do you mean?” Radcliff asked. “Or
course you were a teenager. You had a fine upbringing and you were a very happy
kid.”

Jim started to seethe. “I wasn’t as happy as
you thought I was, trust me.”

A light in the back stairwell lit up and
Jim’s mother came to the bottom of the steps. She glanced back and forth,
between father and son, and said, “What am I missing down here?” Her expression
suggested she sensed trouble.

Radcliff shrugged and said, “I was just
wondering where our son was until four in the morning. He doesn’t seem to think
it’s important. He thinks I’m treating him like a child. He doesn’t seem to
think it’s important that he’s wasting his life and headed for no good.”

Helen sent Jim a serious look. Then she took
a deep breath and said, “Let’s go to bed and talk in the morning. We’re not
thinking clearly now.”

Jim clenched his fists tighter. The pressure
in his head became almost too unbearable to take for one more minute. “No. I
think we should talk now, mom. I can’t do this anymore. If he’s going to sit up
and interrogate me, I’m going to tell him the truth.”

Helen flung Jim a look. “Are you sure?”

Jim nodded yes.

“What are you two talking about?” Radcliff
asked. “If you’ve been keeping something from me I’d appreciate it if you told
me about it. After all, I’m part of this family, too.” He sounded sarcastic,
but his tone suggested a combination of both anger and hurt.

Jim glanced in his mother’s direction one
more time. She shrugged and said, “It has to come out sometime. It will be
okay.”

The father pounded his fist on the counter.
“What will be okay? What the hell is going on here?”

Jim took a deep breath, held it for a moment,
and then exhaled. “I’m gay.”

A strange silence passed through the
kitchen. For a moment no one spoke. Then Radcliff tilted his head and sat back.
He folded his arms across his chest and said, “Did you just tell me you’re
gay?” He glanced at Helen. “And you knew about this?”

Helen spread her arms wide. “He told me
earlier this evening. I didn’t know for sure until then. I promised I wouldn’t
say anything until Jim spoke to you first.”

Radcliff lowered his head and thought for a
moment. When he looked up again, he said, “I see. You’re gay. But that doesn’t
answer my questions about where you were and what you were doing until four in
the morning.”

Helen Darling walked to where her husband
was sitting and put her arms around him. “It’s late. Let’s go to bed, process
this, and talk in the morning.”

Jim remained in the middle of the kitchen
staring down at the floor. Now that he’d said the words out loud to his father
he felt a sense of relief that was even stronger than when he’d told his mother
and Cain. The most important people in his life knew he was gay. He would never
have to go through this ordeal again with anyone.

Jim’s father climbed off the stool and walked
to where Jim stood. He put his arms around him and hugged him as tightly as he
could. “I can’t say I’m not in shock. It was the last thing I ever expected to
hear. I know your mother had suspicions about this for a long time and I just
kept denying them. I used to laugh at her and say she was crazy.”

“I’m sorry,” Jim said. “I’m sorry I’m not what
you wanted me to be.” He was hoping his father wouldn’t ask details about where
he’d been. He would have had to lie, and he didn’t want to do that.

Radcliff stepped back and grabbed his son’s
shoulders. He held them and gazed into Jim’s eyes. “You don’t ever have to
apologize to me for something like this. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m in
shock, but I’ll get over it. And I’d rather know who you are than never know
you at all.”

Helen sent Jim a glance. She smiled and
nodded, letting him know everything was going to be okay.

Jim felt a sting in his eyes and he reached
out to embrace his father. He couldn’t hold his emotions in a second longer. He
held his father, lowered his head, and started sobbing on his shoulder. “I
wanted to tell you a long time ago. I just didn’t know how to do it.” He
started to shake. “I didn’t want to lie. I didn’t think I had a choice. I
figured it would be easier on everyone if I kept my mouth shut about it.”

Radcliff patted his back. He spoke with a
soft, comforting tone. “It’s okay. We’ll figure this out. You’re going to be
fine. There’s no need to worry about this anymore. I know things are different
now than when I was your age.” His father sighed and asked, “Are you sure
you’re gay? Maybe you’re bi-sexual?”

Jim said, “I’m sure, dad. I’m gay.”

“I see.”

This would have been the happy ending Jim
had always dreamed about when he imagined himself coming out to his father.
Though he knew his father hadn’t completely accepted him being gay, he hadn’t
freaked out on him either. It could have been far worse. His father could have
kicked him out of the house and his life. Jim should have been relieved to the
point of ecstasy that night.

The problem was Len Mayfield. If he’d fallen
in love with a guy his own age it would have been easier. But now he had to
figure out a way to tell them he’d fallen in love with one of their best
friends, a married guy with a son who was Jim’s age. It occurred to Jim running
away to LA might be the best thing for all concerned. It also occurred to him
that ending the affair with Len Mayfield might be even better. This way he
wouldn’t have to tell anyone about Len. He would die with this secret.

The next morning after breakfast, Jim and
his father went for a long ride beyond the back pasture on his father’s
favorite horses. They talked about Jim being gay and about his future. Radcliff
didn’t understand everything; Jim could see he was still processing it all. But
he told Jim that he would support him and that being gay shouldn’t alter any
plans he had for the future. Jim knew his father was talking about law school.
The problem was Jim didn’t want to be an attorney as much as his father wanted
him to be one. He told his father he was still thinking about law school, even
though deep down inside he knew this would never happen. Jim would tell him
eventually, after the shock of telling him he was gay subsided. They didn’t get
into any details about Jim’s gay life, not in the same way his mother had asked
him about safe sex and dating men. But when they returned to the house after
the ride, Radcliff hugged him and said, “Please be careful.” Jim nodded and
said, “I will, dad. I promise.”

It turned out to be one of the hottest days
of the year. The thermometer passed the one hundred degree mark and Jim spent
the afternoon jumping in and out of the pool to cool off. His mother and father
had plans that weekend. They were going to visit old friends who owned a ranch
that was a four hour drive away and they wouldn’t be back until very late
Sunday night. Before they left, they hugged Jim, told him they loved him, and
said that if he needed anything they’d come home.

He assured them he was fine and that he
would start making a few decisions soon. He told them he couldn’t promise them
they would love his decisions but he wouldn’t spend the rest of his life at the
swimming pool or the stables. His father brought up law school as they were
about to leave and Helen poked his father in the back. Evidently, they’d been
discussing the matter alone and Helen didn’t want Jim’s father applying
pressure on him. Helen smiled and said, “He’s a man now, not a child. If he
wants to go out and dig ditches for a living, I’m fine with it. As long as he
does something with his life that makes him happy and it’s legal.”

Radcliff clearly didn’t agree. He frowned
and pressed his lips together. When Helen poked him again, he rolled his eyes
and said, “I agree with your mother. Whatever you want to do is fine with us.”

Sometime after six that evening, Jim’s phone
went off in the middle of a nap. He’d been planning to stay home that night and
watch old movies on TV. Maybe he’d go for a long walk, or jog, and think about
the decisions he was facing. He could still go to law school. Maybe it wasn’t
the worst thing in the world. He reached for the phone, expecting it to be Len,
and Cain said, “Hey, what are you doing tonight?”

He rolled his eyes. He took a breath and
sighed. “I’m staying in. I have to sort a few things out.”

“Let’s go out again, seriously,” Cain said.
“I’m going to go crazy if I have to spend another minute in here watching my
dad mope around while my mom gets ready to go out to who knows where. It’s just
sick shit, man.”

“Can’t you call someone else,” Jim said. He
knew Cain had tons of friends from high school who still lived in
Dallas
. “I’m really tired
and I have a lot to think about right now.”

“I’m not going to be around town for long,”
Cain said. “Besides, there’s no one else I want to be with.” Then he went into
a long speech about how much he needed to talk to Jim about his future again.
He said he’d had an argument with his girlfriend that afternoon.

By the time Cain stopped speaking Jim agreed
to go out with him for a drink. Then he went downstairs, grabbed a cold slice
of pizza, and ate it alone at the center island. After that, he went for a long
run at the back of the property, hoping to relieve some tension. It was so hot
that by the time he returned to the house his body dripped with perspiration
and he felt a little light-headed from dehydration.

After he showered he put on a light V-neck
T-shirt and a loose pair of faded jeans he hadn’t worn in a long time. They
were softer and lighter than his newer jeans and he wanted to wear something
that would keep him from sweating. When he pulled up to the Mayfield house at
ten o’clock that night, Cain stood at the door waiting for him. There was a
light on in the upstairs guest room. But Len was nowhere in sight. Cain jogged
down the front steps; his smile showed off his tan and his bright white teeth.
He wore casual baggy white shorts and a black T-shirt that hung on his thin,
sinewy body. On his feet he wore sandals with thick leather soles. Not many men
were good looking enough to wear and outfit like that and still look as if
they’d just stepped out of a male fashion magazine.