Change of Life (33 page)

Then she rallied, smacked me on the shoulder. “Come on – we better get you a shirt before the kids get here.” She stood up and held out her hand.

I took it and stood up. She led me through to the back bedroom. It was full of camera equipment and bags and other clutter. The bed was unmade. She opened the wardrobe.

“Good job you and Rick are roughly the same size,” she said. “What about this one?” she asked, taking out a checked cotton shirt.

“Yes – anything,” I said.

She handed it to me, and then made a face as she said, “God, my mouth feels disgusting – like a dry, furry, tin can.” She glanced at herself in the dressing table mirror. “I’ll leave you to get dressed. I need to freshen up.”

I put on Rick’s shirt, not with good grace I have to say. It was Rick’s shirt – enough said. I wondered if her easy presumption that it was okay to give me one of his shirts was an indicator of an intimate relationship between them. I refused to pursue that thought.

I went to the kitchen and searched in the small freezer. I found what I was looking for. I put the ice cubes in a small bowl and took them through to the living room. My shirt had gone from where I’d dropped it on the floor.

Rosie came back wearing a different dress. She wasn’t quite so pale now. She smiled and sat down. “That’s better,” she said. “I’ve rinsed off your shirt. I’ll wash it and get it back to you.”

“Oh don’t bother - chuck it out - it’s ancient.” It was an old, faded, blue denim thing.

“I couldn’t do that. I know
it’s
old – I bought it for you – and I like you in it – it suits you. Mind you, you suit that shirt too,” she added, nodding at Rick’s one, teasing me – again.

“Do I?” I mumbled vaguely. “Here – I thought this might help your mouth – you know, with the nasty taste and the dryness.” I held out the bowl of ice cubes.

She took the bowl from me and immediately popped a cube in her mouth. She seemed to savour it. “
Mmm
– that is soothing – thank you. It’s numbing the mouth ulcers too – another side effect of the chemo, I’m afraid.”

“Glad it helps. It’s something I’ve seen the nurses on the ward do for patients from time to time. Surgery often leaves them dry.”

She popped another cube in her mouth and sat back in her chair. She closed her eyes momentarily. She was clearly very tired. I hoped meeting up with Adam wasn’t going to be too much for her. I let her doze. I sat and looked at her while she did - my Rosie – my darling, sick Rosie.

Chapter Thirty

When the door bell rang, Rosie opened her eyes. We stared at each other for a moment. There was no need for words. I got up and went to open the door. Jenny stood there on the doorstep. I moved back to let her pass into the hall.

Then Adam stepped into view. “Hello, Dad.” He looked right at me, into my eyes.

I met his gaze. “Hello, son, come in.”

Jenny beamed at us both. She led the way through to the living room. “Look who’s here, Mum,” she said, standing aside to let Adam go in before her.

Rosie stood in the middle of the room. She was facing the door with her hands up at her face. Adam went to her.

“Adam,” she whispered. There were tears on her cheeks.

“Mum.” He rubbed at his face roughly with the back of his hand as he gathered her in an embrace. Jenny came to me, and I put my arm round her as we watched Rosie take Adam by the hand and sit him down beside her on the sofa.

Rosie stroked Adam’s face and rubbed away his tears. “My darling, darling boy,” she said. “I am so sorry – so sorry that I hit you and that I didn’t realise how worried you were. I’m sorry I left you, without making sure you understood why I was going. I love you, Adam and I’ve missed you so much.”

“I’ve missed you too, Mum. I’m sorry too. I’m sorry I upset you saying that stuff about your sister and that I’ve made you worry. It just all got muddled up in my head – Robbie and you and Dad and school. I had a horrible feeling in my stomach all the time – I didn’t feel safe any more - everything had changed. I just had to get away.”

“Yes, yes I can understand that,” Rosie said. “And, now – how do you feel now?”

“I don’t have the horrible feeling in my stomach any more. And, like I said, I miss you.”

“Come here,” Rosie said, reaching forward to embrace him again.

As I watched and listened to him talking, I was aware Adam had changed. It wasn’t a dramatic change. Yes he was taller and a bit thinner, but it wasn’t that. It was something about the way he held himself – his general demeanour. He was less diffident, more confident than before – he was grown up.

As they moved apart, Adam spoke. “Mum, are you going to be all right? Dad told me about you being – about you having cancer. Jenny said all your hair’s fallen out and that you’re sick a lot.”

“I’m going to be fine, son, I’m going to be fine. The drugs they give me to fight the cancer - they make me sick and, yes, I’ve lost my hair because of them. But I’m going to get better.”

“But you don’t know that – not for certain - you can’t know that.” His voice was louder now. There were shades of the more familiar Adam. He stood up. “People die of cancer. You might die.”

Rosie looked distressed. I was unsure if I should say anything. I was trying hard to keep out of the conversation – to let Rosie and Adam speak to each other. I was still so aware that I might ruin the reconciliation by saying the wrong thing. There was a momentary silence. Rosie looked over at Jenny and me.

“Stop it, Adam!” Jenny was on her feet now. “Stop it.” She put her arms around him. “Calm down. Mum’s going to be all right. They got it early. They can treat it. She’ll get better.” She stroked his back as she held on to him. He seemed to relax.

“Sorry, sorry, Mum,” Adam said, as he sat back down beside her. “It’s just - it’s not fair – why do you have to have it?”

Rosie took his hand again. “Don’t be. Don’t be sorry. You’ve a right to be angry. God knows, I was angry when I found out. I know it doesn’t seem fair. I asked why me - at first. But then when you think about it – why not?
Why not me?”

“Because you’re my mum – that’s why not,” he said. He turned back to me. “And what are you doing for Mum? Are you helping her
get
better? You must know stuff to do.”

“It’s not my field Adam. I fix hearts – you know that.”

“Yes, but have you checked that they’re not missing anything – that Mum’s got the best doctors and the right treatment?”

“I – well – I…”

“I’m getting the best treatment, Adam,” Rosie rescued me. “There’s really nothing your father can do. He offered to check things out for me, but I told him not to. I’m doing this my way, love. I need to do it my way.”

“But why won’t you let Dad help you? You could go home and he could look after you. Jen told me that Dad’s not at work so much now. Why don’t you go home? Are you still angry with him for not telling you about Robbie?”

“I’m not ready to go home, Adam. It’s complicated. I can’t think about it all just now. I need all my strength to get better. The important thing now is that
you
go back home and then I don’t have to worry about you.”

“No, Mum, no – I’m not ready to go home yet either.”

Rosie and I exchanged a look.

Jenny spoke. “Why – why not Ad – why won’t you come home? I thought you were cool about Robbie now – now you know more about him – and after you and him spoke about Mum.”

“I am cool about Robbie. He seems an okay guy. But he wasn’t the only reason I left. I hated it at home without you, Mum. I’m not going back without you. And - Dad,” he paused and looked at me. “Dad was always on my back about school and university and I - well I couldn’t deal with it. It was too much pressure.”

“Look, Adam,” I said. “I’m sorry I caused you such upset over Robbie and I’m sorry you blame me for Mum leaving. But please come home. We all miss you. And don’t worry about the school stuff. The exam results will be out next week and I don’t care how you’ve done.” I tried to sound sincere and it was partly true. I didn’t care at that moment. But somewhere within me, I still held onto the hope that he’d re-sit if necessary.

Anyway, Adam wasn’t convinced. He stood up. He looked right at me and shook his head. He raised his arms in a despairing gesture.

“No, no, no,” he said, “I don’t believe you. You say you don’t care if I pass or not – since when - since you’ve been trying to trick me into coming back - that’s when!”

I shook my head at him and glanced at Rosie. She was looking at Adam and frowning slightly.

I tried again. “Adam, all I’m saying…”

“Oh, I know what you’re saying! And you don’t get it! I’m not going back to school – no matter what happens. I’ve had it with school. I’m not going to university. I’m not coming home.”

“Adam – please…” Rosie got to her feet and put a hand on his arm. “Please go home. We can talk about the school thing – work something out – but please go home.” He shook her off.

“No – Mum – stop – please stop. You’re a fine one to talk – you’re not going home. Why should I? You don’t want to live with him either, do you?” He pointed at me. He was obviously still very angry with me and I know I wasn’t exactly saying all the right things. I felt quite hopeless. He was right. Nothing had really changed. Neither he nor Rosie wanted to come home. Neither could stand to be with me.

“That’s different,” said Rosie. “You don’t understand. You can’t understand. Please Adam – go home...”

“I’m glad we’ve made up, Mum. But Dad’s just the same – still on my back. I’m not going home. I could come here and live with you – what about that? I could take care of you since you don’t want Dad to.” He looked pleased with himself at this suggestion.

“I’m sorry, Adam. That’s not possible – there’s no room. Rick’s living here at the moment. You know Lucy’s brother – he’s renting this place– while he’s working in Scotland. Well, he’s between projects at the moment and he’s staying here for now.”

“Could he not rent somewhere else – or you and me could.”

Rosie shook her head. “No, Adam, Rick has a tenancy here. I can’t throw him out – even if I wanted to - and I’m not up to moving house. Please, just go home.”

“So you’d rather live with this Rick than me. Are you in love with him or something?”

Jenny gasped. I held my breath.

Rosie shook her head and put her hands up to her face. “Please, Adam – don’t.”

I could see she’d had enough. I tried to gather my thoughts. I needed to bring this to some kind of satisfactory conclusion, for all our sakes. “Adam, I think we need to let Mum rest now. It’s been good to see you – and it’s great you’re talking to Mum - but it’s still difficult for everybody. Maybe we should leave it for today. I could run you back to Ruby’s if you like, and we can arrange to meet up again soon. I wish you could believe me when I say the exams don’t matter.” By this point I was actually starting to believe I truly thought so. But the look on Adam’s face showed he was nowhere near accepting what I said. I persevered, determined to end our meeting on a positive note. “However, it’s clear none of us is ready to resolve anything more yet – so let’s stop and just be glad that we’ve met up.”

At that, Adam seemed to relax a little. “Yes, okay. Sorry, Mum. I didn’t want to upset you. Sorry.”

“It’s okay, darling,” Rosie said and she stood up and hugged him. “I love you, son – and we’ll work all this out. I promise. Come back and see me soon and keep in touch.”

Adam hugged his mother back. Then he said to me, “Thanks for the offer of a lift. But I’d rather make my own way back.”

“I’ll come with you, Adam – if that’s OK with you?” said Jenny.

“Yes, whatever – cool,” he replied.