Champagne Toast (2 page)

No, this is something my brain is inventing.  I miss her, so much that it
’
s consuming me.  And, I need to stay away from this bar.  Too many memories lived here, memories that should be left alone.  I need to walk away from her or I
’
ll only get sucked right back into the pain. 
Get in your car, Evan, and drive away.
  I pull the car into traffic and glance back at the sign for Molly
’
s Bar and Tavern, knowing I won
’
t be able to stay away for long.

Kate

June 30, 2012

Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I had never met Evan.  Supportive, encouraging, headstrong Evan.  He pushed me to be better, and all I ever did was retreat from him until he finally walked away.  And I
’
ve hated myself ever since.

All my life I had dated guys like my ex-boyfriend, Shawn.
Guys who treated me like arm candy, who didn
’
t expect anything from me.  They didn
’
t push me,
and
they didn
’
t want me to have any sort of passion for myself.  They wanted me to focus solely on
them,
on how I could serve
their
needs.

I
’
d always been like that, always seeking out relationships that weren
’t good for me. 
Growing up, I lived in an old-fashioned household, straight out of the 1950s.  My mother did everything for my father.  He paid no attention to her and, in turn, I wanted to be nothing like her, I wanted to be my own person.  But, somehow I
’
d ended up just like her: a doormat who didn
’
t believe in herself.  I skated through relationship after relationship, never settling in for too long.  Perhaps, deep down I saw my own patterns repeating themselves over and over.  But, Evan was different.

Evan was a breath of fresh air since he walked through the door of Molly
’
s.  Even though I tried to hide it, I was completely mesmerized the very first time we met.  His laugh made me want to laugh more.  His smile made me want to frown less
,
and his voice was so ridiculously perfect that I found myself asking him questions just to hear him speak longer.  My voice seemed so boring compared to the melodic notes that seemed to spill from his lips.

Right from the start, our attraction was undeniable and I was so thankful that it wasn
’
t one-sided.  Evan felt it, too, and for the next three years, I was involved with the most wonderful man in the world.  Women would walk by me and I wanted to gloat, tell them to just give up, because I had found him, the most magnificent man in the universe.  But, then, just as quick as it had begun, it fell completely apart.  I have no one but myself to blame.

I
’
d give anything to go back and truly be with Evan.  I wouldn
’
t have retreated, I would
’
ve listened to him when he pushed me to make something of myself, to want more for myself, to achieve something just for me.
I would
’
ve gotten my ass out of this bar and followed my love of photography.  Maybe I
’
d be showing my work in galleries, maybe I
’
d have my own business.  Instead, I
’
m still here while he
’
s gone off to work at a huge multi-million dollar marketing firm, doing what he does best, talking with others and persuading them to sell themselves in order to be successful. 

And so, I find myself back at Molly
’
s Tavern on a Saturday night, preparing to start my shift.  Taking a sip of coffee as I prepare for a long night, I tie the sturdy cotton apron around my waist and start to walk out into the bar.  My legs suddenly become paralyzed when I see him seated with three other people at one of our high top tables.  Across from him is the familiar redhead that he brought here once before; her gorgeous hair spilling down her back.  My heart sinks and anger starts to build.  Is she his girlfriend, his fiancée, his wife? 

Slowly, I back into the kitchen of the tavern until the swinging door shuts in front of me.  The small window offers me the chance to continue observing him as my pulse races and my brow begins to
bead with sweat
.  My hands begin to tremble and I hold them close to my chest to get my bearings.  The redhead places her hand on the thigh of the tall man seated next to her, a diamond ring sparkling on her finger.
 
Instant relief washes over me knowing that he isn
’
t with her.  She
’s too perfect:
too sweet-looking, and absolutely nothing like me.  Before I can completely embrace the thought of him not being with Little Miss Redhead, I notice the blonde seated next to him.  She is perky and all smiles and gazing at Evan
.
My Evan
.
 

Why does he keep coming back here?

Evan looks distracted.  He constantly glances up at the TV screens above the oak bar and observes the room as the redhead does most of the talking.  I roll my eyes, knowing this must be a set-up.  Even though it
’
s been over two years since Evan and I were together, I know when he
’
s not himself.  I know when he
’
s being placed in an uncomfortable situation.  He smiles occasionally at his friends and speaks when spoken to, but he
’
s not really present in their conversation. 

Where are you, Evan?

“
Kate, what the hell?  What are you doing?
”
  Bree, my co-worker and best friend, asks me, as she adjusts her apron.  Her bright blue eyes look perplexed as she stares at me.  My cheeks flush in embarrassment.

“
He
’
s here, Bree
.” 
I admit, gesturing towards the door.

“
Who
’
s here?  What are you talking about?
”
she asks, pushing me to the side and glaring at the window.  Her silky black hair is pulled up in a bun. 
“
Oh lord,
”
she continues, rolling her large icy blue eyes.

“
What?
”
I respond incredulously.

“
Still?  You
’
re
still
obsessing over him?  Move on, girl
.” 
She shakes her head in disgust.

“
That
’
s not fair.  You know how I felt about him.
”

“
He broke your hea
rt, Kate.  You deserve better.”

“
Hardly,
”
I say, shaking my head dismissively, returning my gaze to Evan
’
s table.  Bree doesn
’
t know everything from my past, my track record, my
pattern
.  It was too hard to admit all of my faults to her.  And I
’
ve managed to avoid talking about Evan for a long, long time.

“
If you say so, darlin
’.”
Bree shrugs and sweeps her jet-black hair behind her shoulders in a defeated manner. 
“
I give up when it comes to that guy.  But, what are you doing back here, hmm?  You
’
re hiding when you should just go talk to him.
”

“
I can
’
t.  He
’
s on a date.
”

“
So what?  Go out there and grab his attention.  I
’
ve seen you do it hundreds of times.  Go and show him what he
’
s been missi
ng.  He’ll come crawling back.”

“
Yo
u’re wrong, Bree.  I hurt him . . .
too much.
”

“
Guys don
’
t think with their hearts.  You should know that by now.  Go out there and get him all riled up.  He
’
ll ditch her in a heartbeat.
”

“
I don
’
t want that,
”
I say, unconvincingly and Bree raises an eyebrow. 
“
Okay, fine, of course I do.
”

“
So, what are you waiting for?  He
’
s only a few feet away.  Take a shot, get up the nerve and get out there before Vince gets pissed.  You
’
re making us both late for our shift.
”

“
The bar isn
’
t crowded yet, Vince is fine,
”
I reassure her, looking into her soft blue eyes.  She
’
s such a good friend to me, but I know she
’
s right.  Vince isn
’
t the worst boss in the world, but he
’
s not exactly Mr. Nice Guy.  I
’
ve learned, over the years, not to piss him off.  And hiding in the back room of the bar is not a way to get on his good side. 
“
Bree, go start
your shift.  I need a minute.”

“
Fine, but I won
’
t cover for you all night.  It looks like they
’
re wrapping up their evening anyway.  They don
’
t exactly look like party animals.  Looks like he
’
s
hanging with a pretty strait
laced crowd these days.
”

“
Whatever.  That doesn
’
t matter to me
.” 
I shake off her comment.  I know what she
’
s getting at.  She
’
s always thought Evan and I were incompatible, even when we were in love, wrapped up in one another and inseparable.

Bree mutters something to herself and walks through the swinging doors, leaving me alone as I continue to watch him.  And then, my heart flutters.  He
’
s doing it again, just as he did almost two years ago when he brought that redhead here.  He
’
s spinning his beer bottle, not making eye contact with his date, as if he
’
s lost in his own world.  Tears threaten to spill from my eyes as I watch Evan in his daze. 
He
’
s thinking about me. I know it.

So tempted to walk through the door and get his attention, perhaps lure him over to the bar so we can talk, but I just don
’
t have the nerve.  Too much time has passed, too much hangs in the balance.  I can
’
t do it.  I
’m not ready.
The redhead says something that snaps Evan out of his dream world and he smiles warmly at her, glancing casually at the blonde beside him before slipping his arm on the back of her chair.  I can
’
t watch any more.
It
’
s pissing me off.

If I don
’
t find something productive to do, Vince will be on my shit.  Luckily, it looks like one of the dishwashers hasn
’
t shown up for his shift.  As much as I despise washing dishes, it is the perfect excuse to remain back here out of Evan
’
s sight.  Vince will be pleased to see that I took the initiative.  It
’
s a win-win.

Twenty minutes later, Bree pops her head in. 

“
You can come out now, my dear.  He
’
s gone.
”

“
Thank God,
”
I breathe out,
“
I was getting really tired of doing this
.”
I set a martini glass on the counter.

“
Yeah, and you
’
ve missed out on a lot of tips while you were hiding.  Traffic has picked up and we
’
re pretty busy.  I need your help.
”

I fix my ponytail and push stray hairs back towards my scalp before wiping my hands on a towel. 

Walking back out into the bar, I see there is no trace of Evan.  Their table has been cleared, his beer bottle
is
gone.  Taking a deep breath, I join Bree behind the bar and resume my normal work schedule.  But, something keeps pulling my attention towards the door.  With each ring of the bell as customers walk in, my heart jumps into my throat.  No one has ever made me feel like this, no one.  So much regret, so much loss, and so much desire all swirled together in my muddled brain.  In my muddled heart.