Champagne Toast (18 page)

Evan
’
s brow relaxes and he walks towards me, scooping me in his arms and crumpling me into his chest.  I can finally breathe again as I melt into his embrace, his sweater absorbin
g my tears.  I almost ruined us.
I almost pushed Evan out of my life.  The thought alone makes me sick.  Evan lets out deep breaths as he runs his fingers through my hair.  I can
’
t lose him.  I can
’
t. 

Evan

July 18, 2009

“
Ev, what are you doing?
”
Kate asks from the barstool next to mine.  I
’m so pissed.
I can
’
t even look her in the eye.  Focusing on my beer, I spin it again and again, attempting to push down the anger I
’
m feeling.  God, she pisses me off.  Never has anyone had this much control over my emotions.  I hate it.

“
Kate, just walk away, all right?  Just walk away,
”
I warn her, raising my voice.

“
Fine, whatever.  Spin your damn beer bottle
.” 
Kate hops off the stool, slamming her glass on the wood bar.

It
’
s after closing at Molly
’
s.  All the tables have been wiped down, the floor has been swept and I
’
m ready to go home.  I finish the rest of my beer and slide off of my seat.  Kate is in the back room with Bree.  I
’
m sure she
’
s talking about it.  Whatever.  Without so much as a glance, I walk out of the bar, hearing Kate call my name.  I don
’
t turn around.  I can
’
t deal with her now.  I need to get home.  She hasn
’
t pissed me off this badly in a very long time, maybe ever.  I don
’
t want to have it out with her, afraid I
’
ll throw a glass or punch a wall and then I
’
ll have Vince to deal with.

As usual, there are strangers in my apartment tonight.  Patrick and his girlfriend, Chloe, are having another party.  I like Chloe, well
—
I kind of like Chloe.
She hasn
’
t exactly tried to influence Patrick
’
s spending habits in a positive way, mostly because she was raised with money just like he was.  He spoils her rotten and she loves it; in fact, she
’
s come to expect it.  She
’
s superficial and always smiling
—
a trait Kate despises to her core.
Chloe
’
s sunny and chipper every single day and it
’
s hard for either of us to imagine being like that.  Kate and I both wear our hearts on our sleeves, good or bad.  But, Chloe makes Patrick happy.
Sometimes, though, it
’
s hard to be around them.
They have constant parties, spending hundreds of dollars in one evening.
They have no idea how long it takes me
to earn the kind of money they blow
on a whim.  It
’
s not their job to worry about where my next paycheck is going to come from.  I get that; I
’
m not a martyr.  But, frankly, they don
’
t seem to care at all and that burns, especially on nights like this when I
’
m already pissed off.

“
Hey, man,
”
Patrick says from the couch, raising his beer in the air.

“
Evan, you
’
re here
.” 
Chloe grins widely, sitting on his lap, bobbing her head slightly to the pop music booming from the speakers.

“
Come have a drink with us,
”
she says, gesturing for me to take a seat, but I can
’
t.  I have no desire to be around others at the moment.
I just want the solitude of my room.  No Kate, no drunken roommate or his perpetually happy girlfriend
. . .
just me and my shitty ass thoughts.

Patrick furrows his brow.  He knows something
’
s up.  I storm past them and walk straight to my bedroom.  Slamming the bedroom door behind me, I sit on the bed, hanging my head in my hands and fighting the anger building in my gut.  What the hell am I doing to do?

Walking to my closet, I begin taking off my work clothes, determined to sleep this off.  I
’
ll do better dealing with Kate if I have a clear head in the morning.
Throwing my polo shirt and jeans into the plastic laundry bin, I turn to take a fresh t-shirt out of the drawer, just as there
’
s a knock at the door.

“
Ev, can I come in?
”
Kate asks softly.  Taking a deep breath, I walk to the door and open it slightly.  Kate sighs, knowing she
’
s not being invited in.

“
Ev, c
’
mon.  It
’
s not what you think.  Honestly.
”

“
I really don
’
t want to talk right now.  I
’
m pissed and I
’
m exhausted.  Just go home.  I
’
ll call you a cab
.” 
Kate pushes on the door and walks into my room, perching herself on my bed.

“
No, we need to talk about this
.” 
I
’
m shocked at how direct she
’
s being.  I guess that
’
s what happens when she
’
s scared.  Usually I
’
m the one who pushes her to talk, but this is quite the role reversal.  Holding back a sarcastic laugh, I glower at my gorgeous girlfriend as she crosses her arms in front of her chest.  As angry as I am, I want her.  Badly.

“
So, talk,
”
I say, bitterness hovering in those simple words.
Kate inhales deeply, tipping her head to the side in an effort to soften me.  But, it won
’
t work.  Not this time.
“
He
’
s just a friend,
”
she continues.

“
Bullshit,
”
I snap, shaking my head, my hands balling into fists.  The sinister part of me is breaking through and the urge to punch something is building inside my gut.

“
It
’
s the truth.  I told you, I broke my pattern with you,
”
she insists.

“
But, you didn
’
t.  You cheated on Shawn
with
me,
”
I say, slamming an open drawer of my dresser. 
“
Why should I be any different?
That dude was undressing you with his eyes and you were all the fuck over him.
”

“
All over him?  You
’
re overreacting.  I swear, if you weren
’
t a guy, I
’
d think you were on the rag,
”
she says snidely.

“
Not funny, Kate.  You
really
need to go.  I
’
m fucking
mad
and you
’
re digging your hole deeper with the snide comments.
I
’
m about ready to throw you out.  So, start talking or I will pick your ass up and drag you outta here
.” 
My eyes pierce into hers.  I
’
ve had it.

“
Okay, okay,
”
she says, raising her arms up by her head.
“
His name is Dave
,
and he was in my photography class last semester.  I hadn
’
t seen him in a while so we were catching up.
There, now you know everything
.” 
She crosses her arms in front of her and looks at me expectantly.  When I say nothing in response, she continues, her tone softening,
“
I
’
m not interested in him, Ev.  Seriously, what
’
s the big deal?
I talked with him for only a few minutes. What exactly did I do to get you so wound up?
”

“
You put your hand on his shoulder a bunch of times,
”
I reply. 
“
I
’
ve never seen you do that before
.” 
Kate
’
s eyes flash.  She gets it.

“
I did?
”
she asks defensively, but I can tell she
’
s searching her memory for the offending gesture.  Her eyes widen in realization.

“
Yes, you did.  And it was like a knife through my fucking chest,
”
I say, looking deeply into her hazel eyes.
“
You did it right in front of me, throwing your head back in laughter at every single thing he said.  It was like you were
trying
to piss me off.  But, I was on the clock, so there was nothing I could do about it since he was a customer.  So, I just stood there, getting more and more pissed at you, and you didn
’
t even notice until the asshole left the bar.
”

“
I didn
’
t mean anything by it, I promise you
.” 
She looks at me with pleading eyes.
“
I guess I
’
m just comfortable with him since I used to see him in class all the time.  It was late and I
’
d had a couple of beers.  Bree and I were hanging out, waiting for you to finish your shift.  He made me laugh and I guess
. . . ”
her voice tapers off. 

She knows she screwed up. 
“
Shit, Ev, I
’
m so sorry.  I wasn
’
t trying to piss you off.  Please believe me,
”
she says, standing up and walking my way.  She stands in front of me and runs her fingers through my hair.  I close my eyes and sigh.  Not ready to let go of my anger, but finding my resolve weakening.  When she touches me, everything changes.

“
Do you wanna know what I think?
”
I ask.
She looks at me like she
’
s not sure she wants to know, but she nods slowly. 
“
I think you
’
re planning for this to be over.  You
’
re expecting us to fall apart, and so you
’
re keeping your options open,
”
I say, looking her square in the eye, knowing my words will sting.  Since I graduated a couple months ago and started interviewing with marketing firms downtown, there has been underlying tension between us.  Kate is taking her course work slowly so that she can work full time and support herself.  And with me taking the next step in building a career, I know she
’
s afraid of what it
’
ll do to us.

“
That
’
s ridiculous,
”
she replies, rolling her eyes before looking at the floor.  Confrontational Kate has left the building.  This is the Kate I know, the one who can
’
t look me in the eye when she
’
s upset.

“
Things will be different.  We both know that.  But, I
’
m not going anywhere.  So, stop sabotaging this, Kate.  I can
’
t take it,
”
I say, pushing her hair away from her face.  Her cheeks are pink and her lips are pursed tightly.  Her eyes begin to moisten as she covers her mouth with the back of her delicate hand.
I take her hand and pull it to my lips, placing a soft kiss on her skin.  She sighs loudly and a tear rolls down her cheek.

“
I
’
m scared,
”
she says, looking into my eyes, pleading for reassurance.

“
Don
’
t be.  I
’
m here
. . .
right in fron
t of you.  Stop pushing me away . . .
or eventually I
’
ll go
.”
Kate looks frightened with these words.
I feel bad that I
’
m scaring her, but she needs to know this shit isn
’
t going to work for me.