Chained (20 page)

Pregnancy exhaustion pulling at me, I finally decided to go out into the living room and sleep on the couch.  Hopefully it wouldn't upset him too much.

Despite my tiredness I could not sleep.  I used the remote to turn on the TV and stared unseeing at the scenes that flickered across the screen.

God, I don't understand the evil of this world.  I don't understand how you could let such things happen.  I know the baby is in a better place...but what about Tanya?  Did she join you in heaven, or has she passed from one hell to another?  Why did this have to happen to her? 

I didn't expect an answer.  There seemed to be some things I was never meant to understand.

Chapter 23: 
Second chances, last chances

“Sarah.  Hey, Sarah?”

I startled awake and looked up to see Travis leaning over me.  “Oh...hey.”

“Why didn't you come back to bed?”

“I'm sorry.  I couldn't sleep.”

Travis sat down at the other end of the loveseat and put my feet on his lap.  “Master comes home today.”

I wasn't surprised...now that I was able to tell days and weeks, it was pretty obvious the man was gone all week and came home on the weekends with occasional breaks where he left on Tuesday or Wednesday instead of Monday.  “Yeah.”

“He said he's tired of seeing you in the house.  He said you have to go back in the barn.”

“Okay.”  What else was there to say?  It wasn't like I had any choice in the matter.

“I will let you back in when he's gone, though.”

I was listening without looking at him, my eyes focused on the blank blue screen of the TV.  “That's fine.”

“Don't you want to stay in the house with me?”

The tone in his voice made me focus on his face.  “Of course I do.”  Maybe not for the reasons I needed him to believe, but it beat living in a horse stall.  With how sensitive my nose was lately, I wasn't sure I could handle the barn smells.

“Because if you want to stay out there, then...”

I pushed myself up to a sitting position.  “Travis, I want to stay with you.  Really, I do.  I'm sorry if it doesn't seem like I meant it.”

Travis shrugged sadly.  Even though I knew he was manipulating me, and I was lying to him in turn, I had to play along with the game...or pay the price.  “I just wasn't sure.”

“I'm sorry.  I just woke up, I'm not thinking clearly.  Please let me stay here when Master leaves again.”

Travis's face brightened and he hopped up off the couch, patting my head as he passed.  “I'm glad, Butterfly.  We have so much fun together, don't we?”

That wasn't quite what I would call it...but whatever got me farther into Travis's trust got me closer to finally figuring out a way to escape.

September 17
th
: 
day 366 of my captivity.  I only have a few minutes to write...Travis is fixing breakfast in the kitchen and he thinks I'm taking a shower.

I think I finally know how they capture the girls.  I asked Travis where Master goes and he acted like I was being stupid.  He asked me if I've never seen the semi truck parked at the bottom of the hill.

Master is a truck driver.  That's how they take the girls.  That's why nobody has found us.  Because they take us far away from our homes.

The only thing I can't figure out is why Travis came to meet me.  As far as I can tell, it's usually Master who does all the capturing.  Travis just keeps us alive.  He barely even leaves the property, and never for more than a few hours.

Maybe I really am special to him. 

September 20
th
: 
I had to stay in the barn for the weekend until Master left.  It still smells like blood and death.  Rachel wouldn't stop crying and throwing herself against the wall separating us.  I think she truly has gone crazy.  All she did was mutter nonsense and scream and cry.

I think Tanya's death threw her over the edge.  Even if she was rescued now, I know she will never be the same.  I am afraid I will join her soon if something doesn't change.

I wish I could explain to her why I'm in the house and she isn't.  That I'm only doing it because I want to help us both escape. 

That last part sounds like a lie.  How can I deny that I would so much rather be in this house than out in that barn?  I have a bed, running water.  Someone to talk to that at least  pretends he doesn't hate me.

No, I know he doesn't hate me.  Crazy as it is, I think he loves me.  The only thing he knows of love is that it goes hand in hand with control and pain.  His father sees girls as objects, a way to satisfy his desires and an opportunity for profit.

Travis at least sees us as human, albeit lesser humans that can be treated however he wants.

Yes, I think he loves me.  He doesn't know any other sort of love.

September 21
st
: 
I am so, so sick.  I'm not sure I can hide this from Travis any longer.  Maybe if I tell him, I won't have to worry so much about him hurting me.  Even the smells of foods make me sick.

The only thing that sounds good right now is ice cream.  Not that it matters.  I'm surprised I even remember what ice cream tastes like.

“Sarah?”

“Yes, Travis?”

A hand settled on my shoulder.  I was laying on the bed, trying not to throw up after eating lunch.  It helped if I didn't move and kept my eyes closed.

“I was going for a walk.  I was hoping you could come with me.”

I groaned quietly.  “I really don't feel good, Travis.”

“You should come out in the sun for a while.  That will help.”

Pretty sure it won't.
  “Please, Travis...”

Now he was pulling on my arm, tugging me to an upright position.  “Come on, Sarah.  It's just a walk.” Swallowing hard, I pushed myself to my feet and allowed him to lead me out of the bedroom. 

I managed to make it to the front porch before I had to rush down the steps to the grass to avoid losing my lunch on Travis's shoes. 

“Sarah?  Are you sick?”

I stood with my hands on my knees, breathing deeply to quiet the spasms.  The chill air felt good on my forehead.  When I was sure I wouldn't throw up any more (at least for the moment), I stood up and pushed my bangs out of my face.  At least this ugly short haircut was good for something...it didn't get in the way when I was sick.

“I'm fine.”

Travis grabbed my arm and turned me to look at him.  “Obviously, you aren't.  Don't lie to me.”

I pulled my arm away and rubbed it where his fingers had left red marks.  “I'm not sick, Travis.  I'm pregnant.”

“What?  Why didn't you tell me?”

He sounded angry.  I took a step back, out of the way of his hands.  “I'm sorry.  I just figured it out not that long ago.”

Travis surprised me by laughing and grabbing me up in a hug.  “That's wonderful!  You and I, we are going to have a baby together!”

The thought made me feel like vomiting again.  “I guess so.”

“This is great!  Why aren't you happy?”

No, no, no.  No tears. 
I stared at the ground, digging at the dust with my toes.  “I'm happy, Travis.”

“You don't look happy.”

Desperate to convince him, I stepped forward and put my arms around his waist.  “I'm happy, Travis.  I just don't feel well.”

Travis embraced me tightly, and I forced myself to relax.  “I'm sorry.  You should go back inside and rest.  I'm sure you are tired.”

I nodded, turning around quickly to hide the tears in my eyes.  I walked as quickly back to the house as I dared. 

I hid in the bathtub, letting the hot droplets from the shower run down my face.  This way, if I cried, Travis couldn't tell.  Travis needed to think I loved him, that I was able to be trusted.  He wouldn't understand why I wasn't happy.  His abuse-warped mind truly wasn't capable of seeing why this pregnancy was causing me such agony.

September 30
th
: 
It snowed last night.  Big, fat flakes that covered the ground in a matter of minutes.  Out on the plains, the ever-present wind swept it all away in a matter of hours, but we are protected here and I got to walk across pure, unspoiled snow.

We hardly ever get snow at home.  I've never seen it so early in the season.

I think snow is like the heart of a child.  White, pure, perfect.  But each footstep puts a mark on it that can never be taken away.  It can be filled in by new snow, but it won't ever be gone.  Even one spot of mud or dirt spoils the whole field.

Travis's heart has been trampled by a herd of muddy cows, if that's the case.

Whoa.  I'm even starting to talk like he does.  That gives me the shivers.

The next night, Master returned home unexpectedly.  I was lying curled up in my bed, trying to sleep despite the nausea.  I was half convinced I just needed to sleep on the floor of the bathroom for the next few weeks.

The front door slammed closed. 

“Travis!”

“Yes, Master?” Travis's voice came from down the hall. 

“The girl's jacket is here.  I told you to keep her in the barn. Just because she's yours doesn't mean I want her in here, contaminating my house.”

Travis sounded like he was in the living room now.  “Father, she's pregnant.”

“So? Doesn't mean we're gonna treat her like she's one of us.”

“She's really sick.  I'm afraid she will lose the child if she has to stay in the barn.”

Master laughed, an ominous sound.  There was a sharp crack, and a cry from Travis.  “What?  Your pet dog is whelping, and suddenly you feel like talking back?  I brought you into this world, boy.  Don't think I won't take you out of it.  With you gone, who's gonna feed and pet your little dog?”

“I'm sorry, Master.”

Thud. 
“You better be, boy!  Haven't I ever taught you anything about respect?”

There was pain in Travis's voice.  “I meant no disrespect, Master.”

Thud.
  “I don't care what you 'intended', boy.  Whether you meant to do something or not doesn't change the fact it's been done.”

“Yes, Master.”

Thud. 
“Now get out of my sight.”

A few seconds later, Master stomped by the door, and soon afterward, Travis appeared in the doorway.

Hurt people hurt people. 
There were tears in the younger man's eyes, and he avoided my silent gaze as he walked to the bathroom and slammed the door shut.

Around the time I was starting to wonder if I shouldn't be here when he came out, the door opened and Travis climbed into the bed with me.  His eyes were red and swollen.

“Are you okay?”

Travis leaned back against the headboard, his arms crossed over his stomach.  He shrugged.

“I don't want to cause problems.  If you want me to go back to the barn...”

Travis turned and gripped my arm so fast that tears came to my eyes.  “Don't,”  he said, desperation in his voice.  “I want you here.”

“But if your father...”

“He won't hurt you while you're pregnant.”

“Travis...”

“What?”

I shouldn't be saying this.  This was my captor, not my friend.  Regardless, in that moment I felt a kinship with this young man, whose only experience of family had been twenty years of fear and pain. 

“Travis, what your dad does...that's not love.  You know that, right?  You are an adult.  You don't have to stay here.”

“Master is the only person who has ever loved me.  He's the only person that has always been here for me.  Why would I leave?”