Castle of the Heart (5 page)

“Yes,” Meredith said softly, “I will teach
you whatever you are willing to learn. I think you will need
something of your own, and I think Afoncaer can use you.”

Thomas listened as Selene answered his eager
questions by reciting the bare facts of her life, most of which he
already knew: age fifteen, convent-schooled, the eldest child of
six, the only daughter. Yes, it was true she could read and write.
Yes, this first visit to a royal court was confusing and a little
frightening.

“I hope,” Thomas said, trying desperately to
elicit some warmer response from the exquisite creature at his
side, “I hope, Lady Selene, you will not be afraid of me.”

The slim fingers resting on his wrist
quivered, fluttering like a bird’s wings, and he suppressed the
urge to place his other hand on them, to hold them there.

“I will not be afraid if you do not want me
to be, my lord.”

“I want.” Thomas stopped. He could not say,
“I want you to love me as I already love you,” for he sensed that
would only make her more afraid. He realized he did not know what
to do or say next. His experience of women was limited to a few
lusty, laughter-filled tumbles with willing serving wenches,
occasions as .natural and joyful as a refreshing shower during the
summer’s heat, and these had done nothing to prepare him for a
terrified, completely innocent young girl. He wondered if Selene
knew what would be expected of her on their wedding night. Surely
someone would tell her.

They reached the far end of the cloister.
Thomas saw Meredith and her companion all the way at the other end,
their backs toward him and Selene. There was no one else about;
everyone was inside on this cold day, huddled at fireside. He
stopped walking and looked down upon Selene’s bent head, on the
smooth, straight hair that lay sleekly across the delicate skull
and poured down over her shoulders like some dark waterfall. The
narrow line of the red shawl glowed at her throat like a barely
extinguished fire that might blaze up at any moment. He wanted to
stir fire in her, and watch her respond to his love. She had taken
her fingers from his wrist and stood with her hands folded before
her. He could not see her face.

He was unable to resist the urge that
overcame him then. He had to touch her, to assure himself she was
real. His left hand stroked along her head and came to rest upon
her shoulder, caught in the silken torrent of her hair.

Selene’s face came up, her emerald eyes wide
and startled, her lips parted. For an instant he thought she would
scream, but she only stood very still, tense as a drawn bow,
waiting. His right hand caught her chin, holding her face steady,
as he lowered his lips toward hers. He paused a fraction of an inch
away. He could see her parted lips trembling, then felt them
beneath his own. There was no reaction from her at first, her
softness simply lay against his mouth. But then the hand that had
cupped her chin slid around her shoulders and drew her near. Even
through her winter-heavy clothes and woolen cloak Thomas could feel
the slender, haunting delicacy of her body, and he wished there was
no clothing between them. He had to fight the need to grasp her
hips and pull her toward the sudden hardness of his body that
threatened to drive him mad with wanting her. Never before had he
experienced this combination of reverent adoration and intense
sexual desire.

Finally, very faintly, came a response, a
slight movement of her lips under his, a returned pressure on his
mouth. It was delicious, the taste of those lips, like honey-sweet
mead, and he never wanted to let her go. But he did. Even in his
aroused state, longing to continue what his body had started, he
realized he must not push her too far. He must be gentle and
patient. She would be his soon enough. His for the rest of their
lives. The thought filled him with such joy he imagined he would
die of it. He opened his eyes and looked at his love. She hung back
upon his arm, lips still parted, eyes closed, and upon one curving
lash lay a tear like a round, perfect pearl. Her hands were clasped
together against his chest as though she was praying.

He could hear Meredith’s footsteps pacing
along the cloister, coming closer.

“Selene,” he whispered, reassured by her
brief return of his kiss, “I will love you, and you will love me.
There is nothing for either of us to fear. We will be happy
together just as my Uncle Guy and Meredith have been.”

She opened her beautiful emerald eyes and
looked directly at him. He saw in those eyes that the apprehension
he had hoped to alleviate was still there, along with sorrow and
-was it guilt? But what could this lovely, pure, half-child have to
feel guilty about? As he watched her, grey-shadowed lids drooped
over emerald fire, long, thick lashes lay against her perfect
cheekbones.

“I will be whatever you want me to be, my
lord,” she whispered, just as Meredith and Arianna rejoined
them.

Arianna knocked at the chamber door and
waited impatiently for it to open. It was cold in the corridor. An
icy draft blew along the stone floor. She shivered, pulling her
shawl closer about her shoulders.

“Lady Meredith,” she cried eagerly as the
door swung inward, “I’m afraid I’m late. Oh, Thomas, I did not
expect to find you here.” She pressed one hand hard against her
bosom, hoping to still the sudden, ridiculous pounding of her heart
which began each time she saw him. It had been happening for days,
and Arianna felt a surge of anger against herself. Selene’s
betrothed husband should not have such an effect upon her.

“Come in,” Thomas invited, holding the door
wider and motioning to her. “Uncle Guy and I were just leaving. We
are going hunting with the king.”

Arianna pulled dignity and self-control about
her like a tattered garment and stepped into the room. It was no
larger than the few other bedchambers she had seen in the abbey
guesthouse, and like those others it was furnished with a curtained
bed, two wooden stools, and a small table, but still this room had
a special atmosphere about it. Two richly carved wooden clothes
chests were pushed against the wall and topped with green and blue
wool-covered pillows to make comfortable seating. Arianna was
certain the chests had traveled to St. Albans with the occupants of
the room. She thought Meredith’s hand must be behind the fresh
rushes and sweet-scented branches of dried rue, hyssop, and
woodruff which had been strewn on the floor. Also Meredith’s doing
must be the two large braziers that made the room more comfortably
warm than the chamber of Lady Aloise, or the one Arianna shared
with Selene.

Meredith was talking with her husband, but
she came forward at once and presented Arianna to the Baron of
Afoncaer. Arianna was so flustered at Thomas’s presence that she
did not even look at Lord Guy, only curtsied and stammered a few
polite words.

“I’ve spoken to the infirmarer,” Meredith
said. “He will show us through the pharmacy before the noonday
meal. I thought it would be well for your first lesson to come from
him.”

“It needn’t be today, not if you are busy.
I’ll go now and come again another time.” Intent upon making a
hasty retreat, Arianna reached out behind herself for the door
handle and caught Thomas’s arm instead. Her hand closed over solid
muscle beneath a smooth leather sleeve. She felt the heat of his
body and his firm strength with a jolt that rocked her to the
depths of her being. She had longed to touch him for days and had
not dared. Gasping, she removed her hand from his arm and stood
numb with confusion.

“Would you open me instead of the door, Lady
Arianna?” Thomas teased. He laughed, and watching his eyes crinkle
and his mouth curve with friendly good humor, she realized he had
no idea of her feelings toward him. He saw only a girl who had come
to speak to his aunt. She knew in the certainty of her aching heart
that Thomas was incapable of seeing her as a woman. The only woman
he could see was Selene.

“Oh, please, I must go.” Arianna knew she was
acting like a child who had been taught no manners. She could feel
her cheeks flaming, and she was afraid she would burst into tears.
She caught her breath in a sob when Thomas took her by the
shoulders and gently pushed her forward into the room. She felt the
touch of his hands even after he let her go.

“Of course you will stay,” Thomas told
her.

“We really were leaving,” Baron Guy said
kindly. Arianna was so caught up in embarrassment at her
ill-mannered behavior that she was aware only of twinkling blue
eyes and a face rather like Thomas’s before Guy picked up his
mantle from the bed, kissed his wife on the cheek, and headed for
the door, clapping his nephew on the shoulder as he went. “Come
along, Tom. These ladies have things to do that do not concern mere
men.”

Thomas stood where he was a little longer,
looking at Arianna, while his uncle waited by the door.

“Is my Lady Selene well?” he asked anxiously.
“You two are usually together. She hasn’t taken ill, has she?”

“No, my lord.” By a great exercise of will
Arianna forced herself to look directly into those devastating blue
eyes of his while still making words come out of her mouth in some
sensible way. “Selene is with the seamstresses and Lady Aloise.
They have no use for me – I’m not very clever with the needle – so
I am free this morning.”

“Well, Meredith,” Guy said, laughing, “I can
see you have a potential comrade of the heart in this lady. You
never could use a needle, either.” He gave a shout of laughter as a
deep green pillow sailed through the air and hit him in the chest.
He caught it, and still laughing, tossed it back at his wife, then
ducked through the door before she could return his fire. Thomas
followed him at once, and Arianna could hear their happy laughter
echoing down the hallway, while Meredith, smiling to herself,
plumped up the pillow and returned it to its rightful place on one
of the wooden chests.

Arianna had followed this play between
husband and wife with fascinated interest, but now the full meaning
of their relaxed familiarity struck her. Thomas and Selene would be
like that, laughing together in the same knowing way, shutting out
everyone else, their eyes silently speaking intimate secrets.

Thomas. The pain stabbed at her heart again,
threatening to crush her usually buoyant spirits. Arianna wrapped
her arms around herself, clutching across her midriff and bending
over, her eyes tightly closed to stop the tears she had for days
refused to shed. But she could not hold back the anguished words
that tumbled from her lips. And somehow she knew, even in her pain,
that of all the people she had met at court or in Sir Valaire’s
household, Meredith was the one person who would not condemn her
inability to keep on pretending nothing was wrong.

“I can’t do it,” Arianna cried. “I can’t go
to Afoncaer. I dare not go.”

She felt Meredith’s strong hands on her,
guiding her to one of the pillowed chests and easing her down upon
it.

“Here,” Meredith said. “Open your eyes, my
dear, and drink this.”

Arianna found a cup of herb-scented wine
thrust into her hand. Obeying the gentle command, she sipped at it,
while Meredith watched her closely. When the cup was empty,
Meredith refilled it and then sat on the chest beside Arianna.

“We cannot help what our hearts tell us,”
Meredith began. “Never think you are to blame for what you feel,
Arianna. We cannot determine the objects upon which our hearts fix.
But our actions, what we do in response to our heart’s urging, for
that we are responsible. That we can control.”

“I have never felt like this before.” At last
the soothing tears began to fall. She could not prevent them, and
Arianna, all her defenses in ruins before Meredith’s kindness, let
them roll freely down her cheeks and made no effort to wipe them
away. There, in that pleasant, peaceful chamber, she finally
admitted what her deep affection for Selene had kept her from
accepting until now. “It was only one look, the first time I met
him, that’s all it needed. I did nothing. I never intended – never
-” She gulped back a fresh outburst of sobs and tears, struggling
hard to regain some sort of composure.

“I know. I saw it happen.” Meredith took her
hand. “It was that way for me, too, the first time I saw Guy.”

“But he,” Arianna said bitterly, “was not
betrothed to your kinswoman and dearest friend. Lord Guy was not
mad with passion for another woman.”

“That’s true. I did not have to endure that
pain.”

They sat quietly a while, Arianna alternately
sniffling and sipping at the wine, until at last she leaned her
head back against the wall.

“I can’t even enter a convent,” she said
wearily. “I have no dowry, no title or great family to assure me a
respectable place. No one would want me. What am I to do?”

“You had better come to Afoncaer as planned,”
Meredith told her. “I can think of no excuse you might offer to
Lady Aloise, or to Selene, to prevent your going, that would not
seem ungrateful and offend them deeply. Lady Aloise has been most
determined that you should accompany Selene.”

“I’m not strong enough,” Arianna insisted.
“I’m too honest, I couldn’t hide my feelings, and I’d have to watch
them every day and witness their happiness.”

“Or their unhappiness, which might be worse.
That might prove a great temptation for you, so wish them happy. If
you love them both, you must want them so.”

“I do. I pray for them each night. But, oh,
it hurts me to see him look at her with shining eyes and know he
will never look at me like that.”

“Will you trust me, Arianna?” Meredith
regarded her intently, as though making some grave decision, before
continuing. “Long ago, when I was much younger than you are now, I
began to learn about the Old Ways from a beloved aunt, and from a
friend, an ancient Welsh Wise Man. I have no Welsh blood in me, so
I was unable ever to match their proficiency, but sometimes I sense
things, and I have come to trust what my heart tells me at such
times. I believe you were meant to be at Afoncaer. I have no reason
to give you for my feelings, except to say it is time I had a
pupil, so I can pass on the little I did learn from those dear
people. I choose you, Arianna. If you will go with me to Afoncaer,
I’ll keep your secret, and help you live with it as best you can.
I’ll work you hard, and keep you too busy for sinful thoughts, and
you can always talk freely to me, knowing it’s in confidence. You
will grow stronger, my dear, if you can meet this test and not run
from it.”