Castle of the Heart (31 page)

She gave Linnet quick instructions to wash
Deirdre’s face and hands, and prepare her and Jocelyn to meet their
father. Leaving the nursery, she flew to her room to tidy her
simple blue dress and adjust the blue ribbon holding her curls off
her face. She ran down the spiral stairs to the bottom and into the
great hall to stand next to Meredith and Reynaud. She could hardly
breathe. Her heart was pounding so hard she was certain everyone
else must hear it, too. She knew her cheeks were flaming.

She heard voices coming from the wardroom,
Kenelm’s, then someone else’s, then at last the deep, clear tones
her heart recognized. Thomas.
Thomas
.

He was there, filling the hall with strength
and vitality. She saw the silver chain armor, helm thrown back, the
azure mantle swinging as he walked, his thick, golden hair, his
deep blue eyes looking right into hers.

Thomas
, her heart sang,
Thomas, my
love,
and she saw the answering greeting in his eyes. He looked
older, thinner, his cheeks hollow as he bent to kiss Meredith.
Arianna watched the older woman cling to him a moment in a rare
display of weakness that must have told Thomas just how much she
had endured since the attack on Guy. She heard Thomas’s quick
questions about Guy, and Meredith’s soft, reassuring answers. Then
Thomas stood before her. He took her hand and kissed her cheek as
though they were no more than friends, but she saw in his eyes that
he loved her still.

“The children?” he asked. “I’m sure you’ve
cared for them well.”

“Did Selene not come with you?” she murmured,
all the while feeling nothing but his warm hand clasping hers as
she fought the urge to throw herself into his arms.

“Visiting her mother still,” she heard him
say. “She sends her love to you and the children.”

Love. Love. Thomas, my love.

He let go of her hand and embraced Reynaud.
Kenelm reappeared. Arianna heard the three of them talking in the
clipped, rapid speech men used when discussing military
matters.

“More later,” Thomas said after a while.
“First a hot bath. My every muscle aches from the long ride. Next,
once I’m clean, I’ll see Uncle Guy, and then my children.”

Arianna stared after him, wishing she might
go with him, forcing her feet toward the nursery instead. He came
there later, and spent half an hour with his children before taking
her arm to lead her toward the great hall and the meal now being
prepared.

“Uncle Guy looks terrible,” Thomas said as
they went along the corridors. “So frail, as though he could vanish
at any moment.”

“Be glad you weren’t here to see him a month
ago,” Arianna answered. “I don’t know how Meredith kept him alive.
She must have been dying inside herself, fearing to lose him, yet
she never wavered, and she never left his side. He has improved
since we told him you were coming.”

“Meredith says you did as much for Uncle Guy
as she did.” Thomas stopped walking, his hand still on her arm. “I
would have stayed away in Normandy, Arianna, had this not happened.
I’ve no wish to torment you, or myself, yet it seems I’ll be here a
long time.”

“I understand. We will be friends, Thomas.
That is what we were at first. We can be so again.”

“Can we?” His hand moved on her arm, sending
warmth from her elbow to her heart. She knew she should pull away
from him but she could not.

“For Guy’s sake we can,” she said, “and for
Meredith’s, yes. Friends and no more. For your soul’s sake. And
mine.”

“My dearest -”

“We will never meet alone, Thomas, never
speak in private.”

“Only say you love me. Let me hear that if I
can have nothing else.”

“The words themselves would be a betrayal. I
will not say them.”

“Never mind, I see them in your eyes.” He
took a step, coming closer, and she caught the clean, washed scent
of him, smelled the orris root and lavender in which his fresh
clothes had been stored during his absence. “One kiss, Arianna,
that’s all I ask, and then we’ll not meet like this again. I have
dreamed of your delicious mouth every day I’ve been apart from
you.”

“If we kiss, we’ll never stop,” she cried,
trembling, aching for him until she thought her heart would break
with want and denial. “It would be wrong, Thomas. I’ll not let us
besmirch the good friendship we had – and will have again.”

“You are stronger than I, my love. Go then.”
He dropped his hand and moved away from her. “I’ll not stop you,
and I’ll do as you wish. I would not hurt you, nor would I create a
scandal that would only place greater burdens on Guy and Meredith,
and break their hearts for our pain.”

Arianna tore herself away from him, running
up the stairs to her room. She went down late to the meal that
welcomed Thomas home, and so happy were those gathered at the
tables to have their young lord back that no one remarked on
Arianna’s pale face or her red-rimmed eyes.

Thomas took control of Afoncaer with a sure
hand, and Guy, relieved of worry, began to mend more rapidly. By
Christmastide he was spending most of each day in the great hall,
seated in his well-cushioned chair by the fire. But when he spoke
of resuming his daily rides around his lands right after the new
year, Meredith scolded him roundly.

“You will stay indoors until the weather is
warmer,” she said. “Your wound weakened your lungs. I’ll not have
you exposed to cold air until you are completely healed.”

“You would make a baby of me,” Guy
grumbled.

“If you would only pretend to be sicker than
you are,” Reynaud advised wisely, “not only would Meredith continue
to coddle you most delightfully – and I think you enjoy that
however much you protest, my friend – but Thomas would stay here
longer.”

“That’s true,” Guy responded, laughing. “And
a welcome thought.” His laugh changed quickly into a cough that
would not stop. Meredith sent Arianna running for his medicine.
When she returned to the great hall Thomas was there, brushing snow
off his shoulders and shooting worried glances at Guy. Meredith’s
concoction of rosemary, honey, and several other herbs worked
quickly. A short time later Guy sat back in his chair, the coughing
eased, though he looked worn out after the spasm. Arianna noticed
Thomas watching his uncle closely over the next day or two. Thomas
looked worried.

It was several days later that Thomas
followed her into the stillroom and shut the door firmly.

“My lord,” she began, backing against a
table, afraid he would attempt to take her into his arms, and
knowing that if he did she would not be able to resist him, that
all her good intentions would vanish at his touch. “My lord, we
agreed we’d not be alone together.”

“I must talk with you without anyone
overhearing. Arianna, I have to know the truth, and I trust you to
tell it to me. Will Uncle Guy ever recover his health? Or will he
always be an invalid like this?”

“It’s not for me to say that, Thomas. I am
still only Meredith’s pupil, and nowhere near as wise as she is
about illnesses or wounds. You should ask her that question.”

“I have tried, but for the first time since
I’ve known her, she evades me. I begin to fear she is only hoping
he will get well, because she loves him so much, not because she
really can heal him.”

“She cannot allow herself to think he might
die,” Arianna said. “She wants him to believe he will live, so she
has to believe it herself.”

“And will he die?” Thomas asked, quietly but
relentlessly.

“I don’t know.” To her chagrin, Arianna began
to cry. “I love him, too, Thomas. He’s such a good man, and he has
been my friend since the day I met him. I can only tell you that he
has improved since you returned.” This last remark ended on a sob,
and Arianna tried to wipe away the tears that would not stop
coming.

“If he remains an invalid,” Thomas said,
thinking aloud, “he cannot continue as baron of Afoncaer. This
castle needs a strong ruler.”

“He could continue here if you would
stay.”

“Yes.” Thomas sighed. “I had hoped he would
heal quickly enough for me to rejoin King Henry by spring. But I
owe Uncle Guy too much to leave if he still needs me. And it is for
Henry’s benefit, too, that I stay here, to help keep peace on his
border.”

Arianna could not stop crying. She brushed
the tears aside with both hands, but they kept overflowing. She had
held in too much feeling for too long, her fears for Guy’s life,
concern for Meredith, and most of all, her hopeless love for Thomas
and her fear for him, fighting in a far-away war.

“Don’t leave again, please,” she begged,
trying to say and do the right and honorable thing, though it broke
her heart in two. “Stay here. Afoncaer needs you. If it comes to
that, if it makes you too unhappy to have me here, I’ll go away.
I’ll find a convent somewhere that will accept me, I’ll leave and
never come back to trouble you again.”

He took her into his arms, and, forgetting
all her vows to keep her distance from him, she nestled there,
trying to regain control of herself, knowing she should not be
where she was.

“I couldn’t let you do that,” he murmured,
his lips on her forehead. “You are a part of all that makes
Afoncaer dear to me.”

“Oh, Thomas, what are we going to do?”

He did not answer that despairing cry with
words, but with his mouth. His lips were warm and firm, and
Arianna, in answer to that most-desired kiss, let her arms creep
around his neck, and pressed herself against him. The kiss
deepened, Thomas’s tongue sought entrance to her mouth and she
accepted him gladly, giving herself up to the embrace she had
dreamed of for so long. His arms tightened around her until Arianna
felt she was becoming part of him. It was what she wanted, to be
one with him and never let him go. They strained together in that
herb-hung, sweet-scented room, tasting love without fear or
reserve.

Too soon the kiss ended. They both drew back,
staring at each other breathlessly, wanting to kiss again, knowing
they could not, for if they did, they would never stop until they
had done the thing that would condemn them both as adulterers.

“We promised we wouldn’t,” Thomas said.

“I should never have allowed this,” Arianna
breathed.

They stepped apart slowly, backing away from
each other, fingers sliding off shoulders and down arms until only
hands touched, then fingertips. Then they were separate.

“Upon my honor, I will not do this again, my
love,” Thomas vowed.

“Nor I, my love.”

“My love,” he repeated softly. They smiled at
each other, tears glistening on their cheeks.

He was gone from the room. Arianna knew he
would not break that vow. They would see each other every day,
speak to each other as friends. She would care for his children,
help to mend his wounds, if he were injured, but he would never,
after that oath, embrace her again. Never.

Spring came, and with it news that King Henry
had resolved his differences with King Louis VI of France. With the
war’s end William Atheling had been made Duke of Normandy.

“Peace at last,” Guy said. “Will you be
content to stay at Afoncaer now, Thomas, or are you still
determined to seek your fortune elsewhere? King Henry and his son
are both your friends. You could have a brilliant future at
court.”

Guy’s health had improved steadily but more
slowly than he would have liked. He had begun walking about the
inner bailey, using a cane to support himself when he grew weary,
but he could not sit a horse yet, and climbing stairs left him
breathless. Thomas watched him, standing in the sunlight with the
keep behind him, and thought how old and gaunt he looked. There
were heavy streaks of silver in the thick hair that had once been
as golden as Thomas’s own. Deep lines etched his eyes, deeper
creases ran from nose to mouth. The old battle scar on the left
side of his jaw showed white against his sun-flushed skin. Guy was
forty-three years old, and looked it, and Thomas, who had always
thought of his uncle as young and strong and indestructible, was
suddenly filled with frustration by the unstoppable passage of
time.

“I think,” Thomas said, “that you need me
here.”

“That I do, but what do you want, lad? What’s
in your heart?”

“Lad?” Thomas laughed. “Hardly that any
more.” His gaze swept along the castle wall, scanned the solid bulk
of the tower keep and the great hall next to it, and came to rest
on the gate to Meredith’s herb garden, where she and Arianna were
working, Deirdre babbling happily beside them. “Afoncaer is home to
me. It always has been.”

“A man may feel he should leave his home.”
Guy’s glance had followed Thomas’s. It rested now on Arianna’s
slender back and bent head as she patiently explained something
about an herb to Deirdre. “Sometimes he leaves for good cause.”

“I have been thinking,” Thomas said slowly.
“The reports we’ve had lately all say King Henry plans to bring his
court back to England in autumn. I’ll stay here through the summer,
Uncle Guy, in case the Welsh attack again, and I’ll see the harvest
safely gathered in. Then I’ll travel to Normandy. I’ll carry any
messages you have for King Henry, and when he sails for England,
Selene and I will be with him. I’ll let her have Christmas at
court. That will please her. Kenelm can manage well enough here
until the new year; the Welsh seldom attack in winter. After
Twelfth Night, Selene and I will return to Afoncaer, and we will
stay here permanently, except for the times when Henry requires our
presence at court.”

“I do not think Selene will be pleased with
your decision.” Guy was still watching Arianna. “Are you sure you
want to bring her here again?”

“She is my wife. I have been too gentle with
her. It’s time she resumed her duties. All of them.” Thomas’s face
was grim. He had lain a few times with serving women, driven by a
purely physical urge, and he found himself much changed from the
days of his casual youth, for there was no pleasure in the
dalliance. He wanted Arianna, but knowing he could not have her, he
would force himself to lay with Selene. It was his duty as her
husband, and his right. He would expend his manly desires upon his
lawful wife, and if he got her with child again, well, he would see
to it that her ill temper did not disturb those he loved. Selene
would have to learn to control her emotional outbursts, as he was
learning to control his desire for Arianna.