By My Side (20 page)

The taxi pulls up outside a block of flats. Sarah clambers out first and we wait while the ramp is installed. She takes out her mobile, texts Matt. ‘He’ll be down in a minute,’ she reassures me.

‘Will you know anyone here?’ I ask her, anxiously looking up to the second-floor window, where music is playing.

‘A few. Don’t worry, it’s really casual.’

A tall, attractive man with freckles and ginger hair, wearing jeans and a blue-checked shirt, approaches us, a skip in his stride. ‘You must be Cass,’ he says. ‘Great to meet you! Right.’ He flexes his muscles, reminding me of Charlie. ‘Are you ready for a fireman’s lift?’

*

I see a room full of strange faces. A man steps over my footrest to lean over and give Sarah a kiss. All I can see is his flies.

‘Cass, this is Duncan,’ Sarah says. ‘Matt’s brother.’

He looks down at me briefly, smiles, before asking Sarah if she’s going to his gig next Saturday night.

‘Duncan’s in a band,’ she fills me in.

‘Oh, great,’ I reply, raising my voice to be heard above the music. ‘What kind of stuff do you play?’

‘You’re kind of rock, aren’t you?’ Sarah answers for him.

‘Yep. How about a drink?’ he asks her, before saying he has a couple of spare tickets going if she wants them. They’re playing at the Andover Arms.

Sarah crouches down. ‘What do you want, Cass?’

‘Anything, thanks. White wine? So, this band,’ I say to Duncan, determined not to feel invisible. ‘What are you called?’

‘Hang on one sec,’ he says, touching my shoulder. ‘Paul!’

That’s the end of that then, I think, watching Duncan disappear. Sarah weaves her way through the crowd, towards Matt and the booze in the kitchen.

It’s so crowded I can’t move.

Five minutes later.

I need a drink.

Badly.

Come on, Sarah. How long does it take to pour a glass of wine? I try to edge forward in my chair but I’m stuck, sandwiched between groups of strangers. Someone is approaching me. I think he’s about to say hello. I smile, open my mouth to introduce myself … but then he shoves my chair out of the way to give the girl behind me a kiss, treating me to another view of flies.

Finally Sarah returns with a glass of wine. I gulp it down, praying for escape. She introduces me to a scriptwriter and his French wife, who tells me about her counselling course. I like them, but the bad news is they have to leave early because they’re driving back to Newbury tonight, to get back to their babysitter and two-year-old. When they leave, I make my way to the food table and help myself to a couple of mini cheeseburgers.

The buzzer rings. It sounds like a herd of elephants is coming up the stairs, before more people enter the room with bottles of wine and cans of beer. The place begins to smell of smoke and joints. A further low point occurs when I’m mistaken for an ashtray and cigarette ash is flicked into my hair. Then someone knocks into my chair and sends my mini cheeseburger flying, but not before tomato ketchup has stained my jeans. I shut my eyes, wishing I could rewind to earlier this evening. I could be sitting on the sofa with Ticket and Charlie, enjoying a Thai takeaway and watching a movie. I’m surrounded by people and yet I have never felt so alone.

As I wait outside the bathroom, I work out how to make my getaway. This is when I hate being in a wheelchair with a passion. There’s no such thing as slipping away. I’ll have to talk to Sarah, wherever she is now, get Matt to lift me … call a cab …

The buzzer rings again.

‘About time,’ says a woman in a black dress answering the intercom. She heads towards the front door. I hear someone coming up the stairs.

‘Sorry, bad traffic,’ he calls to her.

He walks into the room, stops when he sees me. My past is standing in front of me, staring.

*

Alone, in the bathroom, I rock back and forth, all those memories I’d buried, returning.

‘I have a very woolly head.’

‘Well, Miss Brooks, I happen to know a great cure for woolly heads. Sex
.’

‘Sex?’

‘Yep, sex.’ Sean strokes his chin and adopts a serious expression. ‘And plenty of it. In fact, I’m going to write you out a prescription right now.’

Feeling sick, I pour myself a glass of tap water. ‘How do you know her?’ I’d overheard the girlfriend asking Sean.

‘How about a big fat bacon butty?’ I wave a hand in front of him.

‘I love you, Cass.’

I rummage in my handbag to find my mobile. I call him. The line’s engaged.

‘Cass!’ I hear Sean shout.

I turn round, look up to our flat on the third floor and see a bare-chested Sean leaning out of the window, waving my wallet. I’m such an idiot.

‘Chuck it down!’

‘We need sugar too. And fags.’

‘Fine. Throw.’

He hesitates. ‘I’ll come down.’

‘Don’t. Get on with your packing! Just throw it!’

Sean hurls my wallet towards me. I jump to catch it. It hits the side of my hand and flies over my shoulder and on to the road.

Without thinking I run towards it. I hear him shouting.

A car horn blasting.

I stab at the numbers again, tears running down my cheeks.

‘What’s wrong?’ Charlie says immediately.

‘Can … you … come …’

‘Cass? I can’t hear you properly. Where are you?’

*

I stare at the lock. I can’t go back out there. I wrap my arms around myself for protection. Someone knocks on the door. ‘Who’s in there?’ she calls. ‘You’ve been ages!’

I hear more voices, a crowd gathering outside the bathroom. ‘Cass!’ I hear Sarah calling. ‘Cass! It’s me.’

‘What’s going on? Who is she, Sean?’ I hear the girlfriend ask again. ‘Why won’t you tell me?’

‘She’s an old girlfriend, that’s all. Come on, let’s go.’

Finally I open the door. Sarah rushes forward, says she’s been looking for me everywhere. ‘I had no idea he’d be here,’ she says. ‘Don’t worry, he’s going.’

‘Wait!’ I call after him. Sean and his girlfriend turn round.

‘I’m Cass.’

His girlfriend looks blank.

‘He probably hasn’t told you about me,’ I say to her.

‘Cass,’ Sean warns me. ‘Don’t. This is between us.’

‘We went out together at King’s, but then this happened,’ I tell her, gesturing to my wheelchair. ‘Sean visited me once in hospital, then he left a letter by my bedside, ending it.’

‘Cass, please. I’ve grown up a lot since then.’

‘Congratulations,’ says Sarah.

‘Please, can we talk?’ Sean asks. ‘Alone.’

*

He locks the bathroom door and sits on the edge of the bath. ‘I’m sorry, Cass. You’ve got to believe me.’

‘Why? You were about to leave, Sean. Run away again.’

He hangs his head low. ‘I feel terrible,’ he whispers. ‘I still do.’

‘So terrible you moved on, pretended it hadn’t happened. It was as if I’d never existed.’

‘I felt guilty.’

‘Oh I’m sorry. Poor you.’

‘Don’t you understand? It was my fault. I shouldn’t have thrown your wallet down. If I hadn’t—’

‘Stop, Sean.’ I take in a deep breath. ‘I never blamed you. I needed you. I know we were both young, it was a massive thing to deal with, but you took the easy option. You buried me with your guilt. You’re a coward.’

‘I know, I know. I’m so sorry.’

‘It’s too late to say you’re sorry.’

‘Where’s Cass?’ I hear Charlie say outside. ‘Where is she?’

I wipe my eyes. ‘I’m in here!’ I hear Ticket bark at the sound of my voice. Never before have I been so relieved to know that the two friends I love and trust most in the world are here, right behind this door.

‘Cass!’ Charlie calls, knocking on the door. ‘Open up.’

Sean unlocks it for me.

When we come out into the hallway a few people have gathered. They stare at Ticket, Charlie, Sean and me. Sean leaves abruptly with his girlfriend. Charlie kneels beside my chair. ‘I’m here now. I’m taking you home. Ready?’

He puts a hand on my shoulder to steady me before carefully lifting me into his arms. ‘Ticket, chair,’ he says, ‘good boy.’ Ticket finds the strap and nudges the wheelchair to the top of the stairs.

‘Cass, I’m so sorry,’ Sarah says again, breathlessly. ‘I had no idea Matt knew his girlfriend. Here, let me give you a hand.’ She picks up my wheelchair.

‘Don’t worry,’ I say to her. ‘It’s not your fault.’

I hold on to Charlie tightly as we head downstairs, Ticket and Sarah close behind us. ‘It’s all right, Cass, we’re taking you home,’ he says.

*

Run, Cass, run. He’s chasing me. My limbs are heavy. I have to drag my feet off the ground. I turn a corner and in front of me is a spiralling staircase. His footsteps are getting closer. Sean appears at the top of the staircase. He looks down and laughs at me. ‘Come on,’ he taunts. ‘Run!’

I scream in frustration.

‘Cass,’ a voice says.

‘What?’ I shout, before opening my eyes, disorientated. Charlie switches on my bedside lamp and gets into bed with me, wrapping an arm around my waist.

‘Is it Guy? The party? Seeing your old boyfriend?’ he asks, when my crying has finally subsided.

‘I didn’t get to say all the things I wanted to say …’

‘I love you, Cass, you know that, don’t you?’
I’d pulled away from him when I saw the woman returning with her shopping bags.

‘I didn’t tell him I loved him … or say goodbye properly. He didn’t give me a chance, he …’

‘Cass, Guy knew how much you cared about him, I know he did, just from the way he looked at you.’

‘I miss him.’

‘I know.’

‘Guy did the right thing. The sensible thing.’

‘Don’t say that.’

‘He’s the brave one.’

‘He is brave, he was brave, but so are you.’

‘No. No I’m not. I’m the coward, trying to pretend everything is fine.’

‘Cass, you have a great job, you have friends, you have Ticket who is devoted to you.’

‘I know,’ I say quietly, ‘but I’m still in a wheelchair. I’ll always be in a wheelchair. Sometimes I don’t want to live, Charlie.’

There. I’ve said it. Sometimes I want oblivion. I want to shut my eyes and never wake up. Never have to do another transfer in the middle of the night, or have another bladder infection, never think about Sean and my old life, the accident. Never feel alone.

He grips my hand.

‘When I was in hospital,’ I say, ‘I couldn’t remember what had happened that morning, after I’d stepped out into the road, but it comes back to me, at weird moments.’

‘Do you want to talk about it?’

I lie so still in the darkness as I tell him. ‘I wasn’t screaming out in pain but I had these sensations; I can’t describe them. All I can say is that they were sensations I’d never felt before. I remember being dragged under by the car, trying to move my feet but nothing happened. I couldn’t feel a thing. I must have been in shock because I felt strangely calm.’ The only sound I can hear is Charlie’s breathing. ‘In the ambulance I had one of those masks on, breathing in some pain relief. It tasted like gas. I think someone asked me my name but I couldn’t even say Cass. I think Sean said my name.’ I swallow hard. ‘I can remember the taste of blood when I tried to talk. There was just this blood.’

Charlie touches my arm.

‘All I wanted was someone to phone my mum. After that I think a part of me went into a coma. I was concussed. The next thing I remember is seeing my father in hospital, when he told me I’d never walk again.’

‘Oh, Cass.’

I think of the party. ‘Sometimes, Charlie, I feel invisible, as if I don’t count any more.’

‘No, Cass, no! I love your courage, spirit, everything about you. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about what you’ve gone through, what you still go through. You have made me appreciate what
I
have and—’

‘I’m glad I make you feel better.’

‘Oh God, it’s coming out all wrong. I didn’t mean it like that. Who knows why we’re all on this strange planet and who the hell knows why bad things happen to good people. The only thing I know is my life wouldn’t be the same if I didn’t have you in it.’

Touched, I say, ‘I’m sorry about earlier, for shouting at you. You were right.’

‘It doesn’t matter.’

We hold on to one another in the darkness, both quiet, until Charlie says, ‘Cass, do you remember our skiing? Seeing those incredible views of the mountains? You flying down them like nothing was going to stop you.’

‘I was on top of the world.’

‘Please don’t think life isn’t worth living. It is, I promise you.’ His arm is around my shoulder now and he strokes it gently. I’m wearing a thin camisole top. His fingers touch my bare skin.

‘It must be the scariest possible thing being told you will never walk again,’ he says.

I agree, but I never believed something could scare me more: not having Charlie in my life. Knowing that however close we are, we are never going to be more than friends. That there will come a time when he meets someone he will really fall in love with, someone who won’t make him scared of commitment. If only he knew that that terrifies me more than he can imagine. All I want is for him to take his hand away from my shoulder; for him to touch me in places that need to be awoken. I want to feel alive again. Never have I felt so old and tired.

‘Libby is lucky,’ I whisper.

‘I’m not with her.’

I think, deep down, I already knew this.

‘It’s over. I …’

‘You don’t have to explain.’

‘I want to. You see, I did like her, but the thing is, Cass …’ He pauses. ‘I didn’t love her. It was fun to begin with, I can’t deny that, and the sex was great …’

I nudge him. ‘I don’t need all the details.’

‘But it felt wrong.’

‘Why?’ I ask, quietly.

‘It began to feel like I was cheating on you.’

‘How long are you going for?’ Charlie asks the following morning, after breakfast.

‘A week.’ Ticket is holding his lead, agitated by the sight of luggage in the hallway. ‘Calm down,’ I tell him. ‘Of course I’m not leaving you behind, my angel.’

Going home was an impulse decision. I woke up this morning, Charlie asleep beside me, and knew I needed time away from London, to be with Mum and Dad and grieve for Guy. I haven’t taken any holiday leave at Back Up. My manager, Charlotte, had also suggested I have some time off.

‘The rest will do you good,’ Charlie says, ‘but I’ll miss you … both.’

Ticket jumps up and gives Charlie’s arm a nudge and lick.

‘Did you see that! Oh, Ticket! I feel honoured.’

Ticket bows his head as if to say it’s his pleasure and Charlie crouches down to stroke him.

I laugh. ‘See, he does love you.’

We both look at one another wanting to say something but not sure what’s left to say after staying up talking into the early hours of this morning. ‘So …’ I start.

‘So …’

‘Thanks for being such a good friend, for coming to my rescue last night.’

‘It was nothing.’

‘Well, it meant everything to me. You’re one in a million, Charlie Bell.’

He runs a hand through his hair. I sense he is battling to say something else. I wait, to give him the chance, but when he says nothing I tell him I’d better get going to beat the traffic. I open the front door but he stands in front of me, blocking my way. ‘Charlie?’ He kneels down and presses his forehead against mine. It happens so quickly. I must be imagining his lips on mine, the smell of his skin, hair, the palm of his hand resting against my cheek.

He picks up my arm and kisses the back of my wrist, his eyes not leaving mine.

He kicks the door shut with his foot and looks at me again, eyes imploring me to stay.

‘Charlie, I can’t.’

‘Why?’

Part of me wants to go home and imagine him. That’s where I’m comfortable, in a fantasy that some day we’ll be together.

‘You’re running away.’

My throat is dry.

‘Haven’t we waited long enough, Cass?’

I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. I don’t know how to say it.

‘What’s wrong?’ he asks.

I put my head into my hands. ‘I’m killing the moment, aren’t I?’ I look up at him.

‘Slightly.’

‘Charlie, you mean the world to me, you know that, don’t you?’

‘What’s stopping you, then?’ he asks gently.

‘You know this makes it complicated. I don’t want to lose you as a friend.’

He shrugs his shoulders. ‘Ha! We were never that good friends anyway.’

I smile. ‘I haven’t been with anyone, you know, not since …’

‘I know.’ Now it’s Charlie who stumbles for the words. ‘Is that what you’re scared of?’

I nod. ‘I won’t be able to …’

‘To what?’

‘Feel …’

He stops me. ‘Cass, this is new for me too.’

‘But can you feel this?’ Paul had said, his fingers touching the back of my neck.

‘I’m scared too, Cass, but … you know how I feel about you—’

‘Shh,’ I say, pressing a finger over his lips, my eyes telling him I’ll stay. Charlie takes off my jacket and throws it on to the floor. ‘No more running away,’ he says as we move closer. I unbutton his shirt, my pace quickening. I lift up my arms. Expertly he gathers my top into his hands, slides it up towards my shoulders and over my head, his touch gentle but exciting and urgent. ‘You’re beautiful,’ he says, when I’m dressed only in my silk bra and jeans. I stroke his cheek. We kiss again, until Charlie whispers, ‘Ready?’

I nod.

Carefully he lifts me out of my chair and carries me into his bedroom. ‘Hang on! Ticket’s in here,’ he says. We both laugh nervously. Ticket is staring at us, ears pricked, wondering what’s going to happen next. Charlie encourages him to leave the room and to my surprise Ticket leaves without a murmur of protest. ‘Good boy,’ I hear him say outside. ‘You settle down for an hour or so. Good boy.’

‘For an hour?’ I say, impressed.

‘At least.’

‘That’s promising.’

‘Now where were we?’

‘Here,’ I say as I take his face in my hands. The fear of becoming too close to Charlie, of being hurt again, has paralysed my mind.

I kiss him with all my heart and soon my mind is running free.

*

‘Car,’ I tell Ticket later that afternoon. I open the door and he jumps in, taking his royal position in the back seat. Charlie loads my suitcase into the boot and then stands on the pavement ready to wave us goodbye. He knocks on the window; I open it.

‘I love you,’ he says.

‘I love you too.’

When Charlie and I made love a million bright lights went off in my head. I have never felt closer to anyone. What I felt for Sean doesn’t compare to how deep my love has grown for Charlie. I feel guilty for feeling this happy when Guy has died but I know he’d be telling me not to be so stupid.

‘You’ve just had sex, Cass, so sing all the way home, Princess,’ I can hear him say, as if he were sitting right by my side.