By Chance (Courtland Chronicles) (13 page)

Nick had never been more happy to see the school year end, and not just because he woke up every morning with a stiff back from sleeping on the floor. He’d seen Eric walking around campus more than once, and every time it was like a bullet through the gut—especially that time they’d locked eyes, and Eric turned and marched off in the other direction.

“Looks like that’s it,” he said, zipping up his duffel bag. “One junior year, shot to hell.”

Ally wrapped her arms around his waist, hugging him tight. “Take it easy. Relax and visit with your folks and try to get over Eric, okay?”

He sighed. “Guess it’s pretty obvious I’m still hung up on him.”

“You should have it tattooed on your forehead.” She gave him a hopeful look. “But who knows? Maybe by next fall he’ll have figured out what a huge mistake he’s made, and try to make it up to you.”

“Yeah, right,” he snorted. “You didn’t hear the things he said. The worst part is, I can’t figure out how it all went south so fast. One day we were up at my folks’ house having the time of our lives, and the next, he acted like he couldn’t bear to be in the same room with me.”

“You know Eric. Give him a chance to run from his feelings, and he’ll grab it like a brass ring. Why do you think he’s spent the last three years fucking guys in bathrooms? It’s easier that way. He gets away clean.”

“No pun intended.”

She cracked a little half grin. “You got to him, and it scared the shit out of him.
I
f you’re still wondering if he ever really loved you, there’s your answer.”

And there it was again, that awful, empty despair he’d barely managed to stave off even with Ally’s help. “What am I going to do?” he whispered. “I love him, but I just can’t…”

“Sure you can. Go see him before you leave. What have you got to lose?”

“Aside from my self-respect?”

“Does that really matter?”

He let out a shuddery breath. “I can’t think of a thing to say that he’d want to hear.”

“Who cares if he wants to hear it? He
needs
to hear it. Don’t go home without telling him how you really feel. You’ll be kicking yourself all summer.”

Hell, he was already kicking himself. Why hadn’t he gone after Eric that day they’d seen each other on the quad, faced him down, made him see reason? Maybe Eric was afraid of what their relationship meant, but so was he.

“You’re right,” he said finally.

“I usually am.” She cocked her head toward the door. “Go talk to him.”

* * *

Eric had spent the last day and a half packing, which meant there were boxes everywhere, clothing and books spilling onto the floor, throw rugs rolled up. Most of the furniture was draped in plastic and tagged for professional movers.

He emerged from the kitchen, nearly dropping the box of utensils in his arms when he saw who was standing in his doorway. “Jesus! Don’t you know how to knock?”

“Sorry. The door was open.” Nick shoved his hands in his pockets, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “I, uh, wondered if you still had that box of old notebooks I left.”

Well, of course. He should’ve known Nick hadn’t come back for him. “You’re in luck. I was about to toss them.” He jerked his chin toward a stack of boxes in the corner. “They should all be clearly marked.”

Shoulders tensing, he busied himself wrapping mugs, plates and flatware in newspaper while Nick sorted through the boxes. At last Nick found what he was looking for and tucked it under his arm. “So, how’ve you been?”

Oh, he was going to make conversation now, when he hadn’t so much as said hello in the past two months? Eric swung around, throwing him a cold stare. “Why do you care?”

“Just curious. We haven’t talked in a while. Or seen each other, even.”

“I’ve seen you several times. Most of those times, you were with Ally.” A hard, prickly edge had crept into his tone, not that he gave a fuck. “How is she, by the way?”

“She’s great. In fact, we were talking about you this morning.”

“Enjoying a good joke at my expense, no doubt,” he snapped. “You can drop the wide-eyed innocent act. It’s wearing a bit thin. I saw you two together a few days after we broke up. Looked like you’d gotten quite cozy. Didn’t take you long, did it?”

Nick flinched. “I don’t know what you think you saw, but I’ve told you before, Ally and I are just friends.”

“Really? So I completely misinterpreted her kissing you right in the middle of the quad?”

“On the
cheek
. It didn’t mean anything.”

“That seems to be your mantra, doesn’t it? Well, look on the bright side. Now you can tell yourself you were straight all along, and chalk up our little interlude as an aberration.”

Nick’s cheeks flushed bright pink. Obviously Eric had struck a nerve. And to think he’d once found Nick’s blushes adorable. “It wasn’t an aberration,” Nick denied hotly. “You know it wasn’t.”

“Oh, please. A straight guy taking an experimental walk on the queer side’s the oldest cliché in the book.” He flipped his box closed and swung around, arms crossed over his chest. “Can’t believe what a fucking fool I was. I won’t make that mistake again.”

“It wasn’t a mistake for me,” Nick said softly. “And yeah, I know I didn’t act like it most of the time, and I’m sorry—”

“For all the times you treated me like I was dipped in shit? So you just decided to forget about it? Well, I can’t.”

Nick stared at him, his jaw tightening. “I came over to apologize, but you’ve obviously made up your mind that I’m the bad guy here. So, fine. Have a nice long, lonely life, Eric.” With that, he let his box slide to the couch and marched out the door.

Eric stood there paralyzed, listening to his footsteps fade down the hall.

* * *

The train was running ten minutes late when Nick arrived at Grand Central. He dropped onto a bench, taking a welcome chance to catch his breath after his marathon trudge through the station dragging his overstuffed duffel bag. He’d barely begun to relax when he spied a familiar hulking form striding up the platform in his direction.

Oh,
fuck.
Todd Hobart. The last person he wanted to see. He leaned over, ducking his head, hoping Hobart wouldn’t notice him.

No such luck. The asshole stopped right in front of him and bent down to peer in his face. “Hey, Thompson. Heading home to milk cows for the summer?”

Nick’s lips twitched as he focused on the opposite platform, pretending he hadn’t heard a thing.

“Gonna visit your butt-buddy Courtland while you’re gone? I heard he lives right across the lake from you. Pretty convenient, having your favorite cocksucker so close.”

A gray-haired lady sitting at the end of the bench gasped, her gaze settling on Nick. He counted to ten, his hands curling into fists.
Dude, you do
not
want to mess with me today.
“Get lost, Todd. I’m not in the mood.”

“Aw, what’s the matter? Am I embarrassing you in front of your grandma?” He barked out a laugh. “Maybe I should tell her how you were staring at my ass that time.”

Okay,
enough.
Nick sprang to his feet, getting right up in Hobart’s freckled, bleary-eyed face. “Shut. Up,” he growled. “Unless you’d like me to tell the whole station what I know about you and that stall in the science building bathroom, Mr. Closet Case.”

Hobart went instantly pale. “You can’t threaten me, you—”

“The fuck I can’t. Leave me alone, or next semester it’ll be all over campus. Did I mention I’m best friends with one of the
Spectator’s
top reporters
?
” He waited for that to sink in, for Hobart to slowly back away, then take off down the platform as if someone had just lit his ass on fire.

He sank back onto the bench, breathing easy—well,
easier
—for the first time all day. Why had he let Hobart harass him for so long? The guy was a typical bully, all coward beneath the bravado.

He would’ve stood up to the jerk months ago, if he hadn’t been so ashamed. Hiding in the closet, denying his relationship with Eric in public. God, what a shitty thing to do.

Still, where the hell did Eric get off accusing him of sleeping with Ally? Proof positive he’d never trusted him. And why had he ever trusted Eric? Who knew how many guys he’d been fucking on the side?

Humiliation and sick anger swept over him again, roiling in his belly. How could he have been so stupid?

August heat had turned the city into a sticky, humid mess, and with all the bodies pressed together dancing and jostling inside Midnight Sun, the place was a literal hell hole. Within a few minutes Eric’s shirt was glued to his back, the ice in his scotch already melted. A couple of guys tried to flirt with him, but he just wasn’t feeling it. Finally he gave up and went out to the curb to hail a cab.

Still too restless to head home, he had the cabbie drop him on Amsterdam and walked up the block to Alfredo’s. It was Friday night, after all. Might as well keep up tradition.

The proprietor greeted him by name, then ushered him to the same booth he’d shared with Nick and Ally on so many other Friday nights. He ordered red wine and double pepperoni, the other customers’ chatter ringing hollow in his ears. It wasn’t the same, sitting here alone. He kept glancing up and expecting to see Nick across from him, bursting out laughing at another one of Ally’s snarky remarks.

It was past eleven when he caught a cab back to his mother’s Fifth Avenue apartment. He let himself in as quietly as he could, only to find her stretched out on the couch reading, a blanket tucked over her legs. The room’s air-conditioned chill gave him a shiver.

“Hello, darling,” she said with a smile, holding her hand out to him. He brushed a kiss across her knuckles, sat down at the end of the couch and pulled her feet into his lap. “You’re back earlier than usual.”

“And you’re up later than usual. Is everything okay?”

“Oh, I just haven’t been sleeping too well lately. It’s probably my new heart medication. They’ve changed it twice, and it still doesn’t seem to be helping.”

“I’ll come with you to your next appointment, and we’ll get to the bottom of it.”

“No need, dear. There’s a whole battery of different drugs they can try. They just have to find the right one.” She closed her book and set it aside. “I suppose you’re looking forward to school starting again next week. You’ve seemed a bit distracted this summer.”

He forced a smile. “And I thought I’d done such a great job hiding it.”

“You must miss your friends, especially Nick. From the way you were looking at each other that day in my hospital room, I could tell he was very special to you.” She grasped his hand, giving it a tiny squeeze. “Now that I think of it, I haven’t heard you mention him in ages. Did something happen?”

He considered making a noncommittal reply and changing the subject, for all the good it would do. He could never keep a secret from her for long. “It just didn’t work out.”

Her expression crumpled. “Oh, I’m sorry, darling. You seemed so calm in his presence. I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen you that content.”

“You know me, Mom. If there’s a way to screw up a relationship, count on me to find it.” He let out a bitter chuckle. “Nick and I were friends first, and now I wish I’d kept it that way. At least he’d still be talking to me.”

“It can’t be that bad.”

He inhaled sharply. “After the things I said the last time we saw each other, he probably wishes I was dead.”

“There is this little thing called an apology,” she said gently.

If it were only that easy. “I accused him of lying, and sleeping around. For a minute there I thought he was going to deck me, but he just left. Couldn’t get away from me fast enough, in fact.”

“Do you believe he really was lying?”

“I don’t know. He and Ally had a thing a couple of years ago, and they’ve been close ever since. To be honest, I’ve always been a bit jealous of their relationship.”

“Well, that only proves how much you care about him.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore. Not that it ever did.”

She studied his face for a long moment. “Have you ever told him how you feel?”

He stared down at the carpet, shaking his head.

“Eric, you must, no matter how painful it is. You’ll regret it for the rest of your life if you don’t.”

“That’s ironic, coming from someone who’s spent twenty years of her life with a man who hates her.”

He could’ve kicked himself when she flinched. “You don’t understand your father, but I do. And he doesn’t hate me, or you, for that matter. He simply doesn’t know how to show love. In fact, I see a lot of him in you.”

Her words sliced through him like a razor blade. “Don’t say that.”

“It’s true. You’re like him in practically every way, including your tendency to crawl into your shell when emotional matters become too difficult to face.”

Which didn’t make it any easier to hear. Tensing, he jerked away, scooting to the far end of the couch. “Stop it.”

“Eric, please. Just listen to me—”

“I’m not like him. I’m
not
.” She reached over to stroke his arm, but he was already on his feet, making a beeline for his room. He slammed the door and locked it even as he heard her soft footsteps and the faint puff of her breathing on the other side.

“Don’t shut me out, darling. You know I’m only trying to help.”

Don’t shut me out
. The same plea Nick had made. Eyes stinging, shoulders shaking, Eric slid to the floor. Sobs tore at him, thrashing in his chest, but he smothered them until she finally walked away. He couldn’t let her see him like this. He was supposed to be the strong one, damn it! He was supposed to take care of
her
, not the other way around.

He’d fucked up again, just like he’d fucked up everything with Nick. Difference was, his mother would forgive him. Nick never would.

A twin bed, a desk, a lamp and a closet. “It’s not much, but I’ll be calling it home for the next nine months,” Nick said, ushering Ally into his new dorm room.

She cast a glance around the tiny space, taking in bare walls and ugly gray carpet. “Good thing you don’t have to share it with anyone, or else you’d need bunk beds. It’s smaller than the kitchen in yours and Eric’s old room.”