Butterfly (33 page)

“Don't worry about them. Y'all family.”

“Okay then, cool.”

“I'm leaving the day after tomorrow, so y'all need to be ready to go.”

“I can be ready today if you want me to. I'm ready to get the hell up outta here.” Toya was so excited.

“We driving?”

“Hell no, Janae!” I said. “Okay, y'all, I have to go pick Bri up, so we can go to my little sister's dance recital.”

“A'ight, I got to go get with this chick before it gets too late anyway.” Janae stood and gave me a fist pound. “I'm out.”

“Me, too.”

We left Dugan's and I picked up Bri. She was acting strange, kind of distant, so I had to find out what was going on.

“Okay, what's going on, Bri?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why are you acting strange like that?”

“Like what?”

“Stop answering a question with a question.”

“I don't know what you're talking about.”

“Oh, man, here we go.” I sighed heavily. “Why aren't you talking to me?”

“Okay, if you want me to tell you, I'll tell you.”

“I'm listening.”

“You come home from California and you act like you can't hang with me. It's all about your friends.”

“Bri, come on now.”

“I'm serious. We haven't done anything together since you been here.”

“If you wanted to do something, why didn't you just call me?”

“Okay, whatever, Butterfly! Forget it! Just go be with your friends.”

“Bri? Look, my friends have problems. Serious problems and I'm trying to help them. You're my family. No matter how much time I spend with them, it's always going to be me and you, and you know this...maaaaaaan!”

“That's not funny.” Bri chuckled.

“All right, look, you, me, and Brit, tonight, we're having a sleepover.”

“Can I ask if Alex can come? I haven't seen her in a couple of weeks.”

“Yeah, I haven't seen her since I've been back.”

After Brit's recital, Uncle Mike picked up Alex and brought her over to our house and we had a sleepover. I enjoyed my cousins tremendously, but I was also sad. There was still a missing pillow in the room that could not be replaced. When everybody had fallen asleep, I placed Keisha's picture on my pillow next to me, and then I cried myself to sleep.

•   •   •

I promised Jeremy we could hang out the next night. Since he announced that he was going to stay home and attend Georgia Tech, Jeremy had been all over the local news, ESPN, talk shows, everywhere. The Yellow Jackets were an underdog to get him, but in the end, he went with the home team. I understood why; they were not a national powerhouse and his talent would flourish. His light could shine brightly for the one mandatory year he had to spend in college and then he would be on to the NBA. I know it was his father's idea. Jeremy would be the only star on the team, but more importantly, he would still be near his daddy.

We decided to go to the movies at Lenox Square mall. On our way out, Jeremy was holding my hand and brought up the subject of us getting back together again.

“I really think you need to reconsider my PowerPoint proposal I emailed you about getting back together.”

“You're nuts!”

“Did you get it?”

“Yeah, I got it and you are crazy, boy.”

“I'm going to keep bugging you until you give in, so you can save us both a lot of time if you just said yes right now.”

“You can't love me the way I need to be loved, Jeremy.”

“What are you talking about? I do love you unconditionally. I'm practically begging you to come back to me.”

“That's an ego thing, not an unconditional thing.”

While we were talking, two goofy teenagers, one black and one white, walked in front of us and stopped. The young black girl mustered up the courage to speak and nervously reached out a piece of paper.

“Oh my God! It's you! Can I have your autograph?” The girl's hand was practically shaking like a leaf on a tree.

Jeremy, who was used to signing autographs at that time, reached into his front pocket and pulled out an ink pen. “Who do I sign it to?”

“Oh, I'm sorry, I meant Ms. Butterfly.”

“What?” I looked at Jeremy and then back at the girl. “Excuse me?”

“Can I please have your autograph, Ms. Butterfly?”

“You want my autograph?”

“Yes ma'am! You were terrific on
America the Beautiful!”

“Thank you.” Jeremy handed me the pen and smiled. “Who do I make this out to?”

“Keisha.”

“Keisha?” I stopped writing and looked the girl in the face. “That's a very pretty name, Keisha.”

“Thank you, Ms. Butterfly.”

“You're very welcome, Keisha.”

“I want to be a model when I grow up. Do you have any advice for me?”

“Yes.” I held her face in my hand. “I want you to repeat after me, okay?”

“Yes.”

“I want you to say, ‘I am beautiful!'”

“I am beautiful!”

“You see beauty is not just a pretty face, or a slim body; it's a state of being. If you feel beautiful, then you are beautiful. Now I want you to keep those words, ‘I am beautiful,' inside of you, and remember this precious face that you wake up to every day. Okay?”

“Okay, Ms. Butterfly.”

Her friend handed me a piece of paper and then I signed an autograph for her. I stared at them when they walked away. Jeremy knew I was trapped in my thought and that it was about Keisha.

“Hey, you okay, Butterfly?”

“Yes, I'm fine.”

“Sure?”

“Yeah, I'm fine.”

“Okay.” Jeremy held my hand and we began to walk toward his car. “I can't believe I'm holding the hand of Butterfly, the supermodel, superstar!”

“I'm not a superstar.”

“You are in my book. And I'm quite sure that little girl feels the same way.”

“You're the superstar. You have women, grown women, eating out of your hands.”

“And you have me eating out of yours.” Jeremy kissed me on the hand.

“Okay, Romeo, dial it down.”

“Butterfly.” Jeremy kissed me passionately. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“If we love each other, then why can't we be together?”

“You know why, Jeremy.”

“Because of my mistake?”

“I don't want to talk about it.”

“I do.”

“I love you, Jeremy, and I probably always will. But I can't forget what happened. I've tried, but I can't. I wanted you to be the first boy to make love to me. I really, really wanted that. I know I was naïve, but I thought that's what you wanted, too.”

“That woman seduced me and manipulated me, Butterfly.”

“That may work with your mama and with your friends, but it doesn't work on me, Jeremy. You were twice as big as Ms. Jamerson. If you didn't want to have sex with her, you didn't have to have sex with her. But you did.”

“So are you going to hold this over my head forever?”

“I'm not holding anything over your head, but you know how I feel about it, yet you keep putting yourself in the position to be rejected. Like I said, I love you, but after what happened, I can't be with you.”

“What about in a year or two?”

“There's no telling how many girls you will have by then.”

“If I'm with another girl, it's because I can't have you.”

I kissed Jeremy on the cheek. “Have fun, baby.”

Jeremy drove me home, and of course, Pa-Pa was waiting up for me. He told me Toya had stopped by to see me. She never came over unannounced, so I knew exactly what she wanted. She wanted to nag me about our California trip. She was anxious and ready to go. I was looking forward to having my girls out there in L.A. with me. Toya was a little hustler, so she was just trying
to solidify that job of being my assistant while it was still on my mind.

It was my last night. Bri and Pa-Pa were waiting for me to come home. Pa-Pa talked to me about the dangers of living in a big city. When he finished, Bri and I stayed up talking about the show and my modeling career. That nagging Toya blew my phone up all night long. I did not answer because there was no such thing as a short phone call with Toya. I was with my family, and no matter how excited she was, I was not going to answer. The next morning, I woke up to my phone vibrating next to my head. It was Toya.

“Girl, what is your malfunction?” I had my eyes closed while I was talking.

“
They killed her!”
Toya screamed into the phone.

“What?” I sat straight up and put the phone closer to my ear.

“They killed Janae, Butterfly! They killed her!”

“Who killed her?” I screamed back.

“Those boys! They set her up! They killed Janae!”

“Toya! Are you trying to tell me that Janae is dead, girl?”

“
Yeah!
She's dead!” Toya's voice was so high, I could barely understand what she was saying.

I paced back and forth in my room. It finally hit me and I screamed loud and long. “
Noooooooooooooooooooooo!
”

I fell to my knees and pounded my phone on the floor.

“What's the matter?” Bri kneeled beside me and rubbed my back.

Pa-Pa rushed into the room and stood me up. “What's wrong with you?”

I collapsed in Pa-Pa's arms with what was left of my phone, still in my hand. “They killed Janae, Pa-Pa!”

“Your friend Janae?”

“Yeah, Pa-Pa!” I sobbed.

Ms. Alicia ran into the room. “What's the matter with you?”

“Her friend was killed.” Pa-Pa held me in arms.

“Who? What friend? Keisha?” Ms. Alicia thought I was releasing pent-up grief from Keisha's death.

“No, the big girl.”

“Janae?” Ms. Alicia ran to me. “Sweetheart? Something happened to Janae?”

“She's dead, Mom.”

“Come here.” Ms. Alicia took me out of Pa-Pa's arms and sat me on the bed next to her. “It's going to be all right, sweetheart.”

Dr. Forrester stood in the doorway but did not say a word. Bri sat on the other side of me and cried just as hard. She knew Janae well. Janae had spent time in the juvie for the both of us. My life was too good! It was only a matter of time before fate evened the score with me. But I had no idea it was going to come back so damn hard! How many more people in my life were going to die before fate left me the hell alone? I knew the answer before I asked the question, but I asked it just the same. What had I done to bring so much tragedy into my life? I was born!

I met with Toya the next day, and she told me the girl Janae was supposed to be hooking up with that night, was actually setting her up. She was the baby's mama of the boy that had threatened Janae.

Apparently, the girl had flirted with Janae to get her to come over. When Janae knocked on the girl's door, that boy and two of his friends opened the door and aimed their guns in Janae's face. They were only trying to scare her, but one of the guns accidently went off. They were locked up. Three sons, three brothers, three friends, three nephews, three fathers, three lives...gone! And my girl, oh, what I would have given to hear her use the n-word one more time. R.I.P. Janae!

I had to delay returning to L.A. until after Janae's funeral. Ms. Erin had set up some photo shoots and a few fashion shows to keep me active. She was afraid that I may be too emotionally distraught after Janae's murder and did not trust me returning on my own, so she came to Atlanta to get me. She visited me at our house, and although Ms. Alicia sat in the room with us, she promised me she would not get involved.

Everything was going fine until we had a conversation about Toya moving to L.A. with me and becoming my assistant. Ms. Erin felt that it was in my best interest to leave Toya back in Atlanta.

“I realize you're grieving right now, Butterfly, but it's a huge responsibility to have someone depend on you for everything when they move to a new city.”

“I know that, Ms. Erin, but she cannot stay here in Atlanta.”

“I understand that, but your career is taking off and you don't need any setbacks.”

“My friend is not a setback.”

“What happens if you bring her out to California and you have to fly away to Milan, or Amsterdam?”

“She'll be fine.”

“I'm going to have to insist that you leave her behind, Butterfly.”

“I can't do that.” I sighed, and thought about what I was about to say. I wanted to say the right thing, the right way. “Ms. Erin, I have done everything you've asked me to do. I haven't questioned you. I haven't resisted you. I have done nothing but trusted you. Now I'm asking you this one time to trust me, please.”

“I can empathize with you Butterfly, but...”

“I hate to interrupt.” Ms. Alicia looked at Ms. Erin. “But I would like to say one quick thing if I may?”

“Sure.”

I prepared myself for the “you have to do what you have to do” speech from Ms. Alicia, but she was not a teacher that day. She was a mother.

“I understand what you're saying, Erin. But Shante has been through an awful lot this past year. And I am proud of what she has accomplished and I appreciate what you have done for her. However, right now, what she needs more than a modeling tiara, is a friend. A friend who understands the pain she's suffering. If her friend moving to Los Angeles means that she can no longer pursue her modeling career with you, I'm afraid it is time for Shante to find her a new representative because her sanity is much more important than her vanity.”

“I think my point is being taken out of context here. I want what's best for Butterfly as well. If that means her friend coming to Los Angeles, I'll buy the damn ticket. You know the situation better than I do. She's your child, Alicia. If you like the idea, I love it!”