Burnt (4 page)

The embers are glowing, and the flame is about to engulf.

“Things are fucking changin Kendall. I’m prospecting as soon as we finish school. I need someone to stand with me. Not bitch like a little girl. Whining that she doesn’t have enough of me. I can’t have that shit, and I don’t want it. I’ve found myself someone who knows the score, and is okay with it. A girl tough enough to take the hits, and keep comin. Not a little kid like you that won’t even put out.” I inhale sharply. The back of my eyes burn, and my throat constricts barely letting me draw a full breath. I won’t cry though. I won’t give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry.

Then my fire is set ablaze.

“I can’t take it anymore Kendall. I’ve got someone more important in my life now. Someone that takes it all. Takes the hits. Takes my cock. That takes my moods no matter whether they are good or bad. I don’t need anyone else. She does ALL of that for me. Having you around upsetting her makin her feel shit for being with me givin me what I need isn’t going to work.” They come this time, and I can’t stop them. There’s nothing I can do to hold them back. Tears fall unchecked down my cheeks. I know he can see them. I know he can hear my sniffles. For a second it looks like he’s going to be my Dec, and comfort me. A look full of sadness, compassion, and pain crosses his face. As fast as it comes it goes just as quickly. He slams down the shutters on his emotions closing himself off completely.

This is when my world is burnt to ashes. Turning to walk away he can’t resist one last parting shot.

“This is all on you Kendall. If you hadn’t been up in my business, needy, demandin my time, my attention, and runnin your mouth it wouldn’t have had to be like this.” Taking two steps further away, and looking over his shoulder he obliterates me. Completely and utterly. “When you look in the mirror I hope you’re happy. I hope you see what I do. I spoilt selfish little girl that needs everyone to do everything for HER. A girl that does nothing for anyone else. It’s always all been about you Kendall. Well, not this fucking time. She’s ten times the woman you are. You’ll never be anything, but that scared lonely little girl cryin in the fucking grass.”

Watching him walk away, and not cry out to him. Make him stop. Make him come back takes all of my self-restraint. Not to scream and apologise to him. Say I’m sorry for being selfish and demanding burns me. My chest feels hollow. My eyes are stinging from the rivers of tears. My stomach is cramping hard, and the sobs wrenched from my throat feel like shards of glass tearing at it from the inside. My whole body feels raw and abused. For that matter so does my heart.

Pulling my legs to my chest and wrapping my arms around them I rock. Slowly, methodically, I try to give myself any type of comfort I can. It’s not working, so I drop my heads to my knees and sob. I sob for myself. What I’ve lost, and what I’ll never have. I cry for Declan. For hurting him, and making him mad. I weep for my future. The future I hoped would include my best friend. The man I love without boundaries. The man I love without reason. It doesn’t matter that he has broken me. It doesn’t matter we live in the same town, go to the same school, that our fathers’ are best friends so we’ll see each other all the time. I won’t be able to avoid him, but that doesn’t matter. Nothing matters anymore. Without Declan I AM alone. I AM frightened. I AM exactly what he said I am. I’m a scared little girl crying in the grass.

This is my moment. I will have more. That’s a given. But this one is… The moment that breaks me. The moment that changes my path. The moment that burnt me.

5 Years Later

“Oh my god. Yes baby. Right there. Fuck me with that huge cock.” My wife is a pain in my ass. The bane of my existence. The fucking anti-Christ. More than that. I wish she’ll just shut the fuck up, and get off so I can let my junk wither and hide from her. It’s a wonder I can keep my cock hard anymore. Fuck it’s barely hard now. If it wasn’t for the fact she sucked me half hard I’d never have been able to fuck her at all. Even when she did that my eyes were closed blockin her out.

I fucking HATE this bitch. Yeah you heard me. I hate my wife.

Isabella Carmichael-Marks is the spawn of the Devil. A straight up hateful, vindictive cunt. If it wasn’t for my four and a half year old daughter Lexi, I would’ve killed the cunt years ago. Trust me. If I don’t end up doing just that I’ve got plenty of offers from my brothers’ at the club who would do it for me. Even my dad will happily take care of her.

Alexis ‘Lexi’ Marks is my Angel. She is the only thing in this world that I live for anymore. I do this for her. Not the fucking, but the rest of it I do for her. She’ll never know that. She’ll never be told about the dark road I’ve travelled for her. Nevertheless I’ve done it all for her in the end. Her and the one woman I’ll never have.

Fuck. My. Life!

Five years ago, I fucked up. I fucked up huge. I hurt the one person that I never wanted to hurt. Never thought I would be able hurt. The one person I promised to protect, cherish, and care for, for the rest of my life. I was THAT asshole. You know the one you hear about that grows up with, goes to school with, hangs out with, and falls in love with his best friend. Yeah. I’m THAT asshole.

I fell in love with Kendall Bethany Jacobs when I was nine years old, and I will love her until I take my last breath on this Earth. People might say that’s too young to know what love is. What it really means. I was slow if you ask me. I should have fallen for her long before that.

Kendall is magnificent. She always has been. Always will be. People can’t help falling in love with her. A small amount of time in her presence and you’re hooked. When we were young I wanted to pick her up and put her in my pocket. She’s such a tiny little thing. It made me want to protect her from everything, and everyone. For the most part I did. Well until it was time to protect her from me.

The day I knew I was in love with my best friend was the day she fell from the Oak tree in the club house courtyard and broke her arm. We were climbing up to escape the sun, and all the younger kids chasing after us. Kendall was always such a sweet gentle kid. She hated to upset the little ones by saying she didn’t want to play with them, and they, well they like everyone else were drawn to her. Just like I was. That day I climbed up to the first overhanging branch, and was reaching down to help hoist her up when she lost her footing and slipped.

You know the second when you see the panic, the fear in someone’s eyes before they fall? Kendall never had that look. She looked at me like she knew I’d save her. Catch her before she fell. The look of trust in me was overwhelming. I didn’t know what that look was back then, but I worked it out a few years later. She looked at me like she loved me. That was the first time I didn’t save her. That I let her get hurt. It wasn’t the last however. As she fell Kendall screamed my name. Over and Over she screamed for me after she hit the ground. I scurried down as fast as I could without falling, and landing on her. By the time I got down uncle Max was there cradling her in his arms stroking her hair. He didn’t look at me in a way that blamed me. He just looked sad.

That was the first day I ever felt ashamed of myself. For the first time ever I felt deep, soul affecting shame. I won’t lie. I pussied out after that. I was scared seeing Kendall hurting so much. I was scared she’d blame me for not catching her. Be angry with me for not saving her, so I ran. I ran and ran until dad came to find me. I was hiding behind the tool shed on the far corner of the club house compound where I did nothing, but cry. It was the last time I remember crying until the night I tore my Kendall to shreds. The night I broke Kendall many years later I went home. I made my way through the dark streets. Opened and closed the back door. Went down the hall straight into my bedroom where I curled up on my bed, and screamed into my pillow soaking it with tears until I couldn’t cry, or scream anymore.

The day Kendall fell my dad didn’t look angry with me, or ashamed of me for not saving her. He looked worried. Scared even. About me.

“Boy. Where you been?”

I couldn’t stop crying. I was close to throwing up I had been crying that long and hard.

“I, I, I di-didn’t sa-save Kenny dad.” The tears dripped from my chin landing in big wet splats on my shorts. Lifting me to stand me in front of him dad crouched tilting my chin so that I could look into his face.

Dads’ always been a big guy. Shit. A huge guy really. Six foot four, 240 pounds of muscle, and nothin but muscle. He’s got dark hair like mine, but so long it has to be tied in a permanent man-bun at the back of his head. He looks scary to some, but to me he’s always just been my dad.

“Now listen hear, Boy. Dry those tears, wipe your nose, and get it together. That little girl has done nothing, but ask for you, for the past three hours. She told me, and her mom she needs to see you to make sure you’re okay. She’s worried about you boy, so get it together and let’s go see our girl.”

Hearing that Kenny was worried about me. Not her broken arm. Not her falling, and me not saving her. But that she was only worried about me did something to me. My chest felt all warm and fuzzy. It felt like my belly was doing somersaults. I didn’t know how to explain, or define the feeling back then. It wasn’t till later I realised it was my first adventure into love. Brushing off my shorts, and rubbing my eyes with the back of my hands I told my dad,

“Okay. I’m ready to go see Kenny now dad.”

From the minute I saw my Kendall so tiny and tucked in that big hospital bed with her little arm in that big purple cast, purple was her favourite colour and still is, the way her pretty lips spread into the biggest smile when I walked in I knew that day I fell for Kendall for sure. I fell hard. It became a love that is deeper than that you have for your friends. More pure than the love you have for your family. Even more beautiful than the love you have for your child. I knew then this love will be one that lasts the ages. One that will never die. No matter what happens. I knew that day I would love Kendall forever. Pity I fucking destroyed her love for me. I crushed the beautiful, smart, sexy girl that was, and still is, my everything. It’s a shame I couldn’t see past my own nose to see that Kendall was meant to be in my world.

Ripping me from my sweet memories of Kendall the she bitch screams,

“Yes. Yes. Oh fuck yes. Do me Dec. Harder.”

Grabbing my ass the bitch digs her nails in making me snarl.

“Jesus Christ. Pull back on the claws.” Grunting I shove into her to try and make sure I ended this shit quickly. Roughly slamming my thumb down, I grind it on her clit.

“I’m, I’m coming. Blow now Dec. I wanna feel you come.” It isn’t gonna happen. I never does. Fuck knows why she bothers requesting it. We both know once I pull out, and made my way to the bathroom locking the door I’ll deflate, or jerk off ending it myself. I never come in her. Ever. Not only am I smart enough to double wrap my junk. I haven’t come in the bitch since the night I planted my baby in her. I’d never meant to come in her then either. The fucking condom broke, and here we fucking are.

I’d been blowing and goin for three years when I got together with Isabella Carmichael. Until half way through senior year of high school she’d been nothing, but a blip on my radar. Shit I hadn’t fucked her then, and even the girls I had were barely a blip. Which could only mean she was less than that. Barely a star in my orbit. I was hung the fuck up on my best friend. I knew that I had needs, and when I had just turned fifteen those needs overtook me, and my rationality. I was a horny fucking kid, and I seriously needed to fuck some of my frustration out. Lusting after and loving your best friend for six years will do that to a kid.

I would never touch Kendall like that though. She was too young. Too innocent. She was everything that was perfect and bright in this world. There was no way I would be willing to dirty that up because I needed to get laid. I wanted to wait for Kendall to be ready. Show me in some little way she wanted me like that too. I wanted to be a better man for her. I wanted to make it perfect. So at fifteen I found chicks that were fun. One’s that were easy, and knew how to keep their mouths shut. Unless they were takin my cock that is.

First chick I fucked was a girl named Liz. She was two years older than me, and loose as fuck. Her morals and her pussy. She fucked anything, and at the time I can remember thinking it was good. At least she’d know what she’s doing, and I was right. The bitch was hot and wet. She sucked cock like a hoover sucks carpet and I felt nothing. Well sure my dick did, but my head kept screaming at me to stop. That it wasn’t who it wanted, and my heart. Well that stupid fucker probably cried because it wasn’t Kendall he was getting.

Billy my friend since pretty much as long as Kendall and I had been friends told me it was just fucking, guys didn’t need to feel anything. Hump and dump he called it, and shit if that didn’t become my motto until I met the Demon Bitch, Isabella. I’ll admit where some chicks are star struck with celebrities I was pussy struck by Isabella in the beginning. Isabella Carmichael was one hot bitch. All legs, tanned, and tits that I knew would fill my big hands perfectly. The first time she went down on me, in the locker room no less should’ve known she was one classy bitch even back then, it was out of this world. The first time I fucked her it was nothing short of fan-fucking-tastic. Or so my horny teenage body told me.

She was wild, and I don’t mean just gave as good as she got. Isabella wanted me to bend her over and spank her, fuck her ass. Even going as far as to do a threesome one time with me and Billy. That was at her request too. Where most dudes would be ‘Hell yeah’, Billy seemed a bit put off by the idea resisting for a good long while. At that time though, what my crazy sex-crazed girlfriend wanted she got. I called in a favour and Billy got down and dirty with us.

I have to say it wasn’t what I thought it would be. Where I was thinking it would be hot as shit. In actuality it was weird, messy, and involved a whole hell of a lot of fumbling and cursing. After that night I vowed to Isabella it was the last time we’d do something like that. She pouted and carried on about it sure, but it hasn’t happened since and it never will. Thinking on it now, if I had really loved her then, or ever I would never have shared my woman. I know I sure as fuck would never EVER share Kendall with any motherfucker. Just the thought of any man touching Kendall makes my blood boil. Then and now.

Thinking of Kendall my cock comes to life, and damn if the demon bitch doesn’t notice.

“Oh Dec. You want more of my pussy baby? You know I’m happy to give you more any time you want it.”

Shoving off her roughly I grimace. I look down at her and rip the condom off my quickly shrivelling dick I reply to her with undisguised disgust.

“Fuck off Isabella. You know the only reason I’m even fucking here is because I have to be. If it wasn’t for my kid you’d be fucking gone, and I’d have some fucking peace.”

Cackling at me she sits up baring her tits smirking,

“So dramatic Dec. You know the deal. You want to see your rug rat you stay married to me, and fuck me when I say. That, or you can take your chances in court. Let’s just see how much visitation they give a fucking uneducated biker that dabbles in illegal activities. Sure would be a shame if that pretty baby never did see her dad again wouldn’t it.” There you have it. This is exactly why my life is fucked.

I stay with the Demon Bitch because I have no doubt in my mind that she will take my kid and run if I divorced her ass. Shit. I’ve even considered killin her, making it look like an accident. I know my brothers in the club would be on board with that plan. We’ve even discussed ways to follow through with it when we’ve been drinking. They fucking hate her too.

To add insult to injury Isabella doesn’t even love her daughter. I question whether she cares about her at all some days. Since the day Lexi was born she has barely spent any time with her. Night feedings, me. Diaper changing, me. Toilet training, teaching her how to walk, rocking her to sleep while she’s teething, all me. I don’t mind. I’ll never begrudge my daughter a fucking thing. I love the times I get to spend with my baby. All of them without exception. They are the times I live for.

My dad loves Lexi. Max dotes on her as does Priest. Breanna adores her, and Kendall. Well Lexi is madly, deeply, irrevocably in love with Kendall just like her dad. You’d think after knocking some bitch up, and her havin my kid Kendall would have stayed far, far away from Lexi. No. Not my Kendall. She embraces Lexi like she does everything else. With her whole heart. Fuck but I love her. For that and every-fucking-thing else she does.

While Isabella was still in hospital after havin Lexi, no doubt playing the sympathy card like she does everything else because who needs to stay in hospital for a week after having a complication free delivery, Kendall came in with a fucking huge bouquet of flowers for Isabella. A cigar for me, and a teddy bear dressed as a princess with a little bonnet and booties for Lexi to go home in. Seeing Kendall in that room brought something home for me, and it did it hard. The horrific feeling I was in an unavoidable car crash when Isabella told me she was pregnant was not because I was going to be an eighteen-year-old dad. It wasn’t because I would still be a fucking prospect earning shit money when I was a parent to a small baby. No. It was because the baby that I was going to have would have the wrong mother. Her mother should have been the woman standing across the room from me. The one peering in the plastic hospital bassinet with wonder and joy in her eyes. The woman that would love my daughter unconditionally with every part of herself, and lay down her life for her.