Burdened (A Burdened Novel) (16 page)

I wake up later to him asleep, breathing calmly. He looks peaceful and happy. A feeling of understanding comes over me, telling me things are now different. Hard, I’m falling, and I barely know him. Yet, my heart can beat for him and say that it loves him.

How can this even be possible? How can I feel this strongly for someone that I barely even know? Feeling that,
not
only
am I meant to be with him, but my body and mind crave for him as well. It’s like the universe agrees with my decision for us to be together.

I yearn to be around him. It feels like an obligation—a need—to have him around me. It doesn’t seem normal, yet I like it. Nathan serves a better purpose in my life than air, even considering my heart beating in his chest.

I watch him as he sleeps. There is a worry-line that lies faint upon his eyebrows. I wish I could get into his head to see what it is that bothers him, like he does to me. I really want to know him like he knows me. I want to know what moves him, what drives him to do whatever it is he is so confident in doing.

Staring at him, I take in every feature. It’s perfect, soundless sleeping. Skin smooth to the kiss. He has a small mole on the right side of his jaw. There is a long scar that starts under his ear, spreading across his neck, stopping at his
adam’s apple. How did he get that? It looks like it was bad at one time, but has gotten better over time. It’s still deep. How didn’t I see it before?

His lips are slightly parted, but no slob escaping like most. There isn’t even drool resting on the corner of his mouth. If there was, it wouldn’t turn me off any. I would just tease him about it in the morning.

Smiling at myself, I lay my head against his chest to listen to my heartbeat. Just to confirm, I place my hand against my chest, feeling the comparison. They match.

The window ticks from a few rocks. Scott is really starting to piss me off. I slowly maneuver my way out of the bed, trying not to wake
Nathan. He doesn’t move as I make my way around him and out of the bed. I walk over to the window, ready to curse at Scott. Why can’t he just face the damn facts?

Opening the window, “What, Scott?” I start, without looking.

“Scott?” Oh. My. Gosh. Definitely
not
Scott.

There he is…standing there in all his bad-timing glory: Michael Moore, my
first
. First love, real relationship, and…sexual encounter. Why is he here, and what does he want?

“Were you expecting Scott? Why? You started giving my love away to Scott?” His voice is flooded with disgust.

“Michael, what are you doing here? And could you keep your voice down,” I say as calmly as I can. Plus, I don’t want Nathan to wake up. That may not play out so well.

Quieter, he says, “I just got back and I missed you. I wanted to come and see you.” His head tilts to the side. “You’re not happy to see me?”

Michael had left over ten months ago with his mother to go to New York. His father had stayed here, which, my argument was, he didn’t have to go. But he had said he needed to go to make sure his mom would be okay. He wanted to be there in case she needed him.

We were still together when he left, for about a month, then he started to send some of the guys at school pictures of him with other girls, and some were
not
appropriate. That didn’t sit well with me or the fact that he was happy about it and showing them off. I hate cheaters, so I decided to cut him off, with the possibility of
maybe
getting back together if he ever came back. I didn’t anticipate finding someone better and no longer being attracted to him.

“Tracey, come on. I’ll meet you at the patio doors so you can let me in.”

He is cute, but not hotness-cute. He doesn’t have all the muscles and nice body, like Nathan does, and he stands at only about my height. He has curly hair that has always done nothing but curl, no matter what he did to it. I used to love it. I used to love everything about him. He was the only guy I ever did something with and actually…that I wanted to do something with. Until now.

“No, Michael,” I say, knowing he is probably about to flip out.

The confident smile he wears fades. “What do you mean—” His head jerks back as he says, “no?”

“I’m not letting you up, Michael. I can’t.”

“Why not? Didn’t you miss me? What are you saying?” His voice starts to rise.

“Stop talking so loud. I’m not letting you up, Michael. Go home. It’s late.”

“It is no different of a time that I would come and see you in the past.”

“It’s not the past.”

“Tracey, I have been gone for almost a year. I’ve missed you. I just got back and the first thing I did, when I touched ground, was run over here to see you. Can you please let me in so we can talk?” He smiles. “And so I can kiss you? I missed you, Cey.” The demanding presence takes me over, covering my skin in goose-bumps.

“Go home, Michael,” I say quickly, while I try to maneuver from the window. I turn around, taking one step, walking directly into a human wall.

“What’s going on, Tracey?” he asks, in a deep and demanding voice that I’ve heard him use with Scott. It gives my goose-bumps goose-bumps.

Should I lie? No, he can read your mind, Tracey. That would be stupid.

“Tracey!” Michael calls loudly from the window.

I shake my head, letting it fall in disbelief. Why does he have to do this? It has to be two or three in the morning and here he goes acting like a fool. Good thing my mom isn’t home.

Nathan tries to side-step me and I match his step. He looks at me like I’m challenging him. “Look, just calm down and let me handle it, okay?” He’s still shirtless, with his jogging pants on and no socks. His hair is tousled atop his head. He takes a moment and steps back, running his fingers through his hair.

He lets out a breath. “Handle it, Tracey—quickly. I can’t deal,” he says calmly.

“I will. Just wait,” I say, grabbing his hand and the tenseness eases.

I walk back over to the window, pushing it back open. Michael is still standing there and all the anger he feels is written all over his face. It hurts for me to hurt him…but not that much. “Tracey, please come down?” he asks calmly.

“Look, Michael. I know I said that when you came back we could try to work things out. But there have been a lot of unforeseen occurrences—well, rather, one huge occurrence and, unfortunately, I’m no longer available.”

His expression softens. “I’m not hearing that, Tracey. I
can
hear you have another guy there with you. And I know you are not that type of girl, although you hang around those types of girls.” He starts to get upset. “Have they influenced you, making you do these things—sleep around and have guys in your room?” He shakes his head. “Come here so I can talk to you. I won’t be mad,” he says through his teeth.

“This isn’t about you being mad. I’m with somebody else now and, no, I’m not influenced. I’m my own person and always have been. My choices are my own, and don’t down-talk my friends.” Only I can do that.

He stands there for a moment, staring at me. He shakes his head at the same time, rubbing his neck. “Don’t do this, Tracey. You and I have shared a lot of things that you couldn’t have experienced with this guy. I love you, Cey. Just…
please
come down. Let me change your mind. I
can
change your mind.”

I look at him for a
second, staring at someone I was willing to wait for, and now, about to walk away from. His eyes are sad, and here I am about to make it worse. “I have to go, Michael.” I start to move away from the window and the shit hits the fan.

“What the fuck, Tracey!” Michael yells. “We are supposed to be together. I dropped everything, thought about nothing but seeing you when I got back. I just got back and the first thing I do is rush over to see you. Fuck that guy you have up there. Come down here and talk to me. Let me make this shit go away. I love you, Tracey.” His voice softens. “That guy can never make you feel the way I made you feel. No girl can do to my heart what you did. Come down!” He’s enraged.

I watch him spill out his angry feelings, until I’m pushed softly from the side. Nathan, in all his shirtless glory, has had enough. Standing in the window, he rubs his hand over his chin. I can feel his anger. Michael looks at him as if he is trying to recognize him and he is irritated by him.

“She’s not coming down, she’s not talking to you, and you’re not changing anything besides my mood. And it’s time for you to leave.”

“And who are
you
? The replacement? You don’t know anything about her.” Michael walks away from my window.

I turn to Nathan, ready to apologize. That is, until I hear banging on my patio door. Oh shit, he is really losing it.

“Are you fucking kidding me!?” Nathan bursts. “Do
not
go downstairs. I’ll be right back.”

He starts to leave and I pull him back by his arm. “Wait, babe, calm down. Please?” He avoids looking at me. “Just look at me.” He does and his eyes swirl between a grey and a night-blue, like Scott’s the day he got angry. He immediately closes them and steps away from me.

“Tracey, just give me a minute.”

“I will give you a minute, but I want you to calm down.” I rub my hands on one of his, trying to push my calm to him.

He takes in a deep breath and lets it go, taking grip on one of my hands, pulling me close. “Thank you,” he says calmly.

I look up to him. He grabs my chin and lowers his head down, placing a soft kiss against my lips. “I know this guy means nothing to you, but I need to handle this. I’m not angry. I just need to talk to him.” Michael is still banging on the door, shouting my name. I don’t know what Nathan is capable of, but having demon’s blood in him says a lot, including his need to control his anger.

I smile. “I’ll come with you.” He gives me a look as if he wants to deny me the option. “I’ll just make sure you don’t kill him. We can walk down, hand-in-hand. I’ll let you do all the talking.”

“Fine.”
He drags me to the patio doors. Michael is still banging. He stops, taking a few steps back as he sees us approach.

Nathan slides open the doors and steps outside. I’m behind him, holding his hand, helping him maintain his calm. “I understand you and Tracey had something…before. But whatever that was is now gone, passed. I advise that you accept her decision to move on and that you do the same,” he says calmly and with a stern tone.

“You advise?” Michael looks around Nathan to me. “Tracey, who is this guy?”

“Don’t speak to her.” His calm remains. “Understand she has moved on as she originally stated to you. She’s with me now. Whatever you and her had in the past
has past
. Deal with that, and move on.”

“Is that right, Tracey?” Michael asks me. I’m still standing behind Nathan. I peek around him, hearing him let go of an aggravated breath.

“Yes, Michael, what we had is over. I’m with him now. You should move on.”

“Okay,” Michael says, backing away slowly. “I understand.”

Nathan backs us into the house. “I’m sorry I left, Tracey,” Michael says, before he turns and jogs off.

Nathan closes the doors behind us,
then looks at me. “Let’s go back to sleep, Tracey,” is all he says as we go back to my room. Michael replays in my mind with his ‘I love yous’ and hurt-filled eyes. Had he pulled this last week, things would be a world different.

I follow Nathan, lying down beside him in my bed. He
lays on top of the covers, me under, and wraps an arm around me. “Whenever you want to hear ‘I love you,’ or if I don’t say it to you enough, just tell me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I felt the way your heart fluttered when he told you he loved you. I noticed your thoughts, and your desire to hear it from me and just to know that you’re loved.” He grabs my hand, locking our fingers. “The only reason I haven’t said it, was because I didn’t want it to feel weird to you—us fresh, and me already telling you I love you…but I do.” He looks at me. “I don’t care about anything else.”

“I’m really sorry about that.” I’m actually still stuck on the ‘him loving me’ part. I just have to play it cool. Though, I
have
realized I share those feelings.

“No need to be. I expect for other guys to want my girl.” He kisses my forehead. “I just don’t like it when they don’t listen. Thanks for helping me calm down.”

“Always.”

Day number three together, I have to share with Glen and Scott. Today, we woke up early to Scott calling Nathan’s phone. For whatever reason, he cannot be alone with Glen. Scott missed the memo explaining that’s what couples do. I’m going to get him
Relationships for Dummies
, because yesterday, he acted like we were obligated to hang out with them. They stopped by last night—again—and Nathan had to talk to him for like an hour to calm him down. They left as the sun was rising—four hours before Scott called.

Today, we travel to a nearby park, where we try to stay as far away from Glen and Scott as we can. I don’t mind staying outside, but it’s chilly, and I haven’t gotten enough sleep these last few nights. From Michael stopping by, acting like a total fool—he doesn’t attempt to call first, just comes right over, without an invitation, after he has been gone forever—and Glen and Scott’s frequent late night visits.