Bungalow 2 (22 page)

By that afternoon, a pall had come over the house. It felt like someone had died there, and the funereal atmosphere hung over them for days. Tanya finally went out and bought a Christmas tree with Jason, to put them in the Christmas spirit. But she ended up crying while she was decorating it, and Molly saw her. She tried to find out what had happened, but Tanya wouldn't say. Everyone walked on eggs for the rest of the holidays, particularly Tanya and Peter, but the children as well. Tanya saw Alice in the driveway once, and Tanya turned and walked away. And when Megan asked her mother why they hadn't invited Alice over for a drink even once since she was home, Tanya gave her vague excuses and said they were all too busy. Megan confronted her on it immediately.

“You're jealous of her, aren't you, Mom? Because we're all comfortable with her and she's like a second mother to us. Well, face it, if you had stuck around for senior year, she wouldn't be doing all this. She's doing it because you bagged on us,” Megan said with the meanness and shortsightedness of youth. Tanya said nothing and hid her tears. But the same applied to Peter, she realized. If she hadn't gone to work in L.A., Alice wouldn't have been taking care of him either, or inviting him and the girls over for dinner several times a week. In other words, according to Megan, she had gotten what she deserved. Tanya wondered if it was true. But she had been in L.A. for four months, and lonely, too, and she hadn't cheated on Peter.

The atmosphere in the house stayed hostile and depressing all the way till Christmas Eve. They went to church together, as they always did. But this year they didn't join forces with Alice and her two children. They went separately. Only Megan complained about their not sitting with Alice, said she felt sorry for her, and she went to sit with her in church. Tanya spent the entire mass on her knees, with her hands covering her face, and tears running down her cheeks. Peter found himself staring at the two women during the service. The one begging him with her eyes to come and start a new life with her, the other mourning the old one. He had told Alice days before that he couldn't talk to her until he resolved this, it was too confusing, and now she looked panicked. The fallout from their brief affair had been like a tidal wave, and only seemed to be getting worse.

They barely made it through Christmas Day, and the children went skiing in Tahoe shortly after, and planned to spend New Year's Eve in the mountains. Tanya was sure they were relieved to get away. She was doing her best to cover up what was happening, but the masquerade was unconvincing, and by the time the kids left, she and Peter both looked as though they were ready for a nervous breakdown. And every time she couldn't account for his whereabouts, she was convinced he was with Alice. She no longer trusted him, and maybe never would again.

They chose not to acknowledge New Year's Eve at all, Tanya said she just couldn't. And they lay in bed and talked on New Year's morning. They had been in bed at ten o'clock the night before, but both looked as though they'd had no sleep. Tanya woke up feeling dead every morning, the moment she remembered what had happened. She no longer asked him what his plans were. She assumed that he would tell her when he knew.

They were lying side by side in bed, staring out the window. Tanya could see the corner of Alice's roof, and she lay looking at it in silence. Peter lay on his back and spoke to the ceiling.

“I'm going to end it with Alice,” he said somberly. “I think that's the right thing to do.” There was silence in the room. The right thing, as far as Tanya was concerned, was never to have done it. Ending it was the next-best thing.

“Is that what you want, Peter?” she asked softly. He nodded. “Do you think you can? Will she let you?” She knew better than anyone how tenacious Alice could be when she wanted something.

“She's being very reasonable. She says she's going to go away for a while. She has some things to do for the gallery in Europe. It'll give us a break. It's not like this has been going on forever.” He sighed. He hated discussing it with Tanya, but he knew he had to. She had been waiting to hear his decision for over two weeks, and so had Alice. He had told her the previous afternoon and she agreed. She wasn't happy about it, but she said she understood, and if he ever changed his mind, to let her know. The door would always be open to him. That only made it harder for him. He knew he needed to close that door to save his marriage.

“And what happens when she comes back?” Tanya asked, looking worried.

“We keep our distance for a while, I guess, until things get normal again.” But all three of them knew they never would. Tanya hadn't said anything to Alice, but she had no intention of ever speaking to her again. And she no longer trusted Peter when she went back to L.A. If not Alice, maybe now he would sleep with someone else. And once Alice came back from Europe, she had no faith in their ability to stay away from each other. It was a miserable situation for them all.

Tanya nodded in silence, and got up and showered. She couldn't throw her arms around Peter's neck and tell him she loved him. She didn't know what she felt anymore. Anger, rage, disappointment, fear, heartbreak, sorrow. She felt a multitude of emotions, none of them pleasant, and she wasn't even sure now if one of them was love. She hoped that in time their relationship would recover and bloom again, but she was no longer sure of anything. The situation had put up a wall between them. Peter made no attempt to scale the walls she'd built. He knew that could only happen with time, but it was a lonely place for him.

In the interest of repairing some of the damage, he invited her to dinner a few days before she went back to L.A. Alice had already left for Europe. And Jason had left for school that day. The vacation had been depressing, and incredibly stressful from beginning to end. Tanya agreed to go out with him, although she had little to say. They managed to limp their way through dinner, talking about the children, and as many inane topics as they could find. The evening wasn't fun for either of them, but they knew they had to start somewhere. They both carefully stayed off the subject of Alice. And in bed that night, Peter attempted to make overtures to her for the first time since she'd been home and had found out about his affair. But the moment he laid a gentle hand on her back, Tanya instantly stiffened. She turned away from him, and then back again, in the dark. There were tears in her eyes, but he couldn't see them. He could hear them in her voice.

“I'm sorry, Peter …I can't…not yet…,” she said softly.

“It's all right. I understand,” he said, and turned away from her. He hadn't put his arms around her in weeks, or told her that he loved her, which was all she wanted. All their conversations had been about Alice. She hung between them still as surely as if she had been lying between them in their bed.

And as he lay with his back to her, Tanya lay with her head on her pillow, looking at him with wide eyes, and wondering if anything would ever be the same again.

Chapter 12

G
oing back to L.A. was an even greater agony for Tanya this time. She hugged each of her children with tears in her eyes, and was so upset she couldn't even speak when she left. Even Megan looked somewhat sorry for her. Particularly since she had no female mentor now. She knew that Alice was going to be away for at least a month. She had called both girls to say goodbye. They didn't even know exactly where she had gone. The only one she had left her itinerary with was Peter, but he didn't share that information with anyone, and wasn't sure he wanted it himself. He didn't know if he trusted himself with it. After he wrote the numbers down, he thought better of it, tore the paper into little bits, and threw it away. He felt safer doing that, in case he weakened late one night, called her, and asked her to come home. He was determined to give her up, and was fairly certain that he could. As much as one knew anything in life, which he doubted more and more these days. It was hard knowing that Tanya no longer trusted him. She still looked devastated when he drove her to the airport and she put her arms around his neck.

“I still love you, Peter,” she said sadly. They had never managed to make love before she left. Every time she thought about it, all she could think of was his betraying her with Alice. It was going to take her more time to recover from the shock and feel comfortable with him again.

“I love you too, Tan. I'm sorry all this happened.” It had totally destroyed Christmas for all of them. No matter how hard they tried to hide it, their children had sensed easily that something was wrong. Both Peter and Tanya refused to discuss it, which only seemed to make things worse, and worried their children more.

“I hope it gets better soon,” Tanya said sadly.

“So do I,” he said honestly. He wanted their marriage to work again. He just wasn't sure how much damage had been done. Clearly, a lot.

“I'll be home on Friday, if I can.” And if she couldn't, she wondered to herself, what would happen then? Who would he sleep with? Where would Alice be? Would he find someone else? Tanya no longer felt safe. For twenty years she had trusted him totally. Now she trusted nothing and no one, and least of all him. It was a terrible feeling, and he could see it in her eyes. Every time she looked at him, he felt the white heat of reproach, and the weight of her aching heart. It was a lot to live with, and they were both relieved to be spending some time apart. The last three weeks had been too much. She hated to leave him and the girls, but she was glad to go back to L.A. For once, he was right. It broke her heart, but all she wanted was to escape.

She got back to her bungalow at eight o'clock that night, and this time even her cheery little rooms at the Beverly Hills Hotel looked depressing to her. She wanted to be home again, and yet she didn't. She wanted to be in Ross with him, the way it had been before. She wondered if it would ever be that way again. And now that she was back in L.A., in the bungalow, she was lonelier than ever, and missed Jason and the girls. She missed everything and everyone, and even herself. She felt as though she had lost herself in the last three weeks. The only thing she hadn't lost were her children, but she even felt out of touch with them. She didn't call Peter that night, and he didn't call her either. The silence was deafening in Bungalow 2. She didn't even bother to put on music. She just curled up in bed, asked for a wake-up call, and cried herself to sleep. In some ways it was a relief. She didn't have to worry about Peter lying next to her, and wonder what he was thinking, or if he had heard from Alice. Tanya felt as though she couldn't stem the tides. She didn't know if his promise to end the affair was sincere, or if he could live up to it. She had no idea what to believe. She had trusted him before, and her peaceful little world had come crashing down like a house of cards in the past three weeks.

She was relieved to get back to the set the next day, despite the early wake-up call. Max was the first one she saw, sharing a bagel with Harry. The dog wagged his tail the minute he saw Tanya, and she patted him with a tired smile.

“Welcome back,” Max said, smiling at her. It took him less than a second to see the shards of her heart in her eyes. She looked awful and had lost about ten pounds. He pretended not to notice. “How were the holidays?”

“Great,” she said in a flat voice. “How was New York?”

“Ice cold and snowy, but it was fun. I think I'm too old for grandchildren. Only young people should have grandchildren. They wore me out.” She smiled, as Douglas appeared with a stack of notes. Their last script changes were being distributed in a new shade of pastel colors. It was hard to keep track of the changes anymore, there had been so many.

“Welcome back to Hollywood,” he said, with a raised eyebrow. “Wonderful time in Marin?” he asked sarcastically. If so, she didn't look it. She was suddenly too thin. “You look like you haven't eaten since you left.” Thank you, Douglas. Never one to mince words, or hide what he thought.

“I had the flu.” She covered her tracks, and she doubted he believed her.

“That's too bad. Welcome back to work,” he said, and moved on. He stayed on the set all morning to see how things were going. They had some tough scenes to shoot, but for once Jean Amber remembered her lines. She looked blissful, and word had gotten out that she had spent the holidays in St. Bart's with Ned Bright. They both looked very happy, and the energy between them was electric in every scene.

“Ahhh, young love,” Max said with a grin as he walked off the set at lunchtime, having yelled “Cut! And print,” which meant he liked the last shot. He glanced over at Tanya, and realized that she looked even worse than he had first thought. He had never seen a human so pale. “Are you okay? If you're still sick, you don't have to come to work. We can call you at the hotel.”

“No, I'm fine. Just tired.”

“You lost a hell of a lot of weight.” He looked worried about her, and she was touched.

“Yeah, I guess,” she said vaguely, and pretended to concentrate on the script, as tears swam in her eyes. She didn't intend him to, but he saw them, and they spilled down her cheeks, as he quietly handed her a tissue.

“Looks like you had a fabulous time,” he said softly, as Harry watched the exchange with a puzzled look. Even he knew something was wrong.

“Yeah, really terrific.” She blew her nose and laughed through her tears, and then wiped her eyes. “Some vacations are less fun than others. This one wasn't so great.”

“This one must have been a lulu,” Max said dryly. “What did he do? Lock you in the dungeon and refuse to feed you? You know, there are 800 numbers you can call for that. I think the last one I called was 1â€800-D-I-V-O-R-C-E. It worked really well. They sent out a rescue truck and took the bitch away. Keep the number in mind in case he tries it again. Take your cell phone into the dungeon with you.” As he said it, she cried harder, and he handed her more tissues.

“It wasn't quite as bad as that.” And then she thought about it for a minute and was honest with herself. “Actually, it was worse. The whole damn vacation sucked, to tell the truth.” It felt good to say it to him.