Bullied (3 page)

Except for the fighting and violence, seventh grade seems interesting even though there are difficult subjects like mathematics. Others, like history and Latin are fascinating. Our history courses typically center on Italy and Rome, because that is where the Vatican and the Pope is located. It is interesting to study about the Roman Emperors, Roman Empire and the history of Italy, itself. We also cover aspects of US History, especially about the Constitution, Declaration of Independence and the Revolutionary War.

Sister Honorine is my teacher this year. She is a tall woman with a serious face that is always carefully searching my face to discover what I am thinking and I think she can do this pretty well. She is a very smart and hard-working Sister who teaches with a passion along with a flurry of writing on the blackboard and who makes a large effort to get the points across to us, especially to kids like me, who are having trouble concentrating. She seems very aware of my inability to pay attention and is always telling me, "Patrick, look up here now.”

Occasionally they give us tests called “IQ” tests that are supposed to figure out how smart we are. For some reason, whenever I take it, I get raised eyebrows from Sister Honorine. I do not get high grades in school because I will not do my homework. Therefore, I stay after school every afternoon until 4:30. Sister Honorine always takes me to the convent, where she still introduces me to the rest of the sisters now with the nickname she gave me last year, "The Ornament.” I guess that means that I am a decoration or something. Nonetheless, the other Sisters always smile when Sister Honorine calls me that. When looking at my IQ test scores, she always remarks,

“Yes, Patrick it's too bad you're so lazy. Yes, it is too bad you're so lazy.” I don’t know why she always has to say it twice all the time. Maybe I get high scores on these tests somehow. I know she thinks I am lazy because my grades are always C’s with some D’s and barely passing.

Since I am 11 years old, I might be able to get a job peddling papers For the Endicott Daily Bulletin. I went and applied some months ago on my birthday and just got a call to come in and meet the Manager. One day after my detention class, I walk to the Endicott daily bulletin offices on Main Street, quite a way east of my house. I know it is east because, since I have no sense of direction and get lost all the time, I have to carry a small compass so I can find my way around. As I learned in the Boy Scouts, a map and compass are all I need.

The Manager, Mister Garvey, is a tall, good-looking man with black hair and a pleasant but serious way about him. I told him that my grandfather taught me that the only way to get through life was to work hard. He seemed to like this, and hired me for a small paper route near my house. This is my first job and I am excited about it. A truck drops the papers in a bundle on a street corner near my house. I am supposed to take each one, roll it up and throw it on the porches of our subscribers. To help me with this job, they gave me a big canvas bag, with a strap on it to help me carry the papers. This is terrific because now I make about ten dollars every month. That is great money and I can buy many things with it.

Even though I may have to stay in detention every day until 4:30, the paper delivery fits easily into my day. After I pick up the papers on the corner, it takes me about an hour and a half to deliver them and walk home. That means I can be home for dinner by 6:30. My Mom told me she was Ok in delaying dinner a few minutes, if necessary, because she usually got home about 5:30 and has dinner ready about 6:00 PM. The paper route is a great addition to my day and gives me something to think about other than frequent issues with bullies and school.

As the school year goes on, things seem to be getting more complicated, especially regarding the popular kids, Donald, Michael, Barry and little Bernie. Little Bernie was the only kid in the school almost as short as I was and he has the same first name as my other friend named Bernie that is much bigger than both of us. However, little Bernie was good friends with the most popular kids and that made him immune from daily bullying by them. It seems as if the four of them are always together, before and after school. Whenever I run into them coming the opposite way, all four would shove and punch me as they passed. Walking down the street, if I see them coming the opposite way, I would walk to the sidewalk on the other side of the street in order to avoid them. Whenever I do this, they also move to the other side of the street so I would have to pass them on the sidewalk. This same thing also occurs whenever I see Rick and his brothers or other gangs coming the opposite way.

For some reason, things are getting a lot more difficult with some of my classmates. Could it be because of this strange glowing feeling in my crotch that seems to be getting stronger every month? Sometimes, it is a major issue for me many times each day. The other males about my age also seem to be getting more emotional and unpredictable at times. Even the girls seem to be noticing this increase in boys acting out. Whatever it is that is causing this, it has to stop. I have too many other things to worry about every day including delivering my papers.

The paper route takes me down some streets that are at least three long blocks to the street that runs in front of the Endicott Johnson Shoe factory. On my customer list there is also a bar there where I deliver three papers each day. When I have the time and I am running late, I might stop there for a few minutes to watch my favorite program on TV, The Mouseketeers. One of the members, named Annette Funicello, is so pretty that I feel that stirring in my pants whenever I see her beautiful breasts. The same old men, two of which are customers, are usually there at the bar every day. Since there is only one channel on TV, Channel 12, and The Mouseketeers is the only program available at 5:30 PM, it is always on. The bartender and my customers are usually very nice to me and, if I have any extra papers, they may buy them since the bar is my last stop. At that point, the only thing left is the long four-block walk home.

When I first started delivering papers, I thought that I might often run into the bullies. Funny, but I seldom see any kids at all when I am doing my paper route. I guess they are all home for dinner by that time. When I do occasionally run into someone I know, if they are alone, they do not bother me. Somehow, this bullying of me must have something to do with other people that are there.

I like this work of delivering papers. It feels good to walk fast while curling the papers to throw them. This activity also helps me ignore the frequent rain or snow in my face and my cold feet. When winter comes, the sky is always a miserable dark or grey and I simply want to stay in my room. This walking, to my surprise, actually makes me feel better even when I have that sad feeling and other discomforts.

Having money is a new experience, and as I just learned, there are things I can buy that will relieve that sad feeling for a while, like ice cream. Somehow, it makes my brain and spirits feel better, even when the skies are dark. It helps for just an enjoyable brief few minutes and then the sad feeling gradually comes back. Another escape that makes the mind feel better is the movies. If I can do my homework, skip detention and somehow make it safely out of the Saint Ambrose Elementary school through the side door, I can get to Washington Boulevard where the Strand and Lyric theatres are located.

Either I can pay for the movie or, as I have many times, I can sneak into the theatre through the side exit door. I can see one feature and still have time to deliver papers afterward, and make it home just a few minutes late for dinner. Seeing a movie always makes me feel so much better and breaks up the continual awful nightmare of living, as I know it. Sometimes, if Mom and Lauren want to eat and I am running late doing my paper route, they will keep my dinner warm in the oven for me.

I can buy other things, too. I thought of buying a switchblade knife by mail order. No, I can’t, I thought, switchblades are against the law and I might kill somebody, which is against the Ten Commandments. Still, there are some interesting ads about Jujitsu training and Charles Atlas, "Dynamic Tension” strength building information available. The advertisements say, “Don’t let the bullies kick sand in your face”. What bullies do to me is a lot worse than kicking sand in my face, I thought, but I will think about this “Dynamic Tension” stuff.

As the school year moves on, the holidays get closer and finally Thanksgiving is here. Holidays are nice because I don’t see the bullies. I also look forward to seeing my cousins, Donna and Danny. Along with my good cousins, come their parents, Elaine and Ernie, who I do not like. I look forward to seeing my Aunt Mary, but along with her is Ted, her husband. Naturally, today, Thanksgiving day, they are all planning to be here. As soon as I come downstairs to Grandmothers house, Ted is there already.

Ted starts things off with, “Well, Patrick, how are you doing?”

“I have a paper route, now,” I replied.

“Oh, when did you start doing that?”

“In September”, I answered.

“How is school?” he asked.

“OK,” I said.

“Are you doing your homework?” he asked.

“Sometimes”, I answered truthfully. His eyes rolled and he had a sneering expression on his face.

“What, only sometimes, what is the matter with you?” he said loudly. I got very quiet. He said,

“I am going to have a talk with your Mother,” he said.

Ted got up and walked into the kitchen where my mother was. I could hear them talking loudly. Ted was saying,

“You’ve got to pay more attention to this kid and make sure he does his homework! He can't graduate from school some day and possibly go to college without doing his homework."

My mother was shaking her head”, I am doing the best I can with working every day, doing all the housework, and taking care of two kids at the same time.” Ted walked away with that arrogant sneer still on his face. Mom just sat there shaking her head. Later, Mom said,

“Ted is right and you should be always doing your homework if you ever want to graduate from school.”

“I don’t care, it keeps me from getting beat up, sometimes,” I thought. I did not say this aloud but it is the real reason that I do not do my homework consistently.

When adults want to be alone so they can talk, they send the kids upstairs. The result is always the same. Whenever we start having fun, Ernie comes upstairs and yells loudly at us to be quiet. This time, he also hit me on the back of the head and said, “There is a lot more where that came from if you don’t stop making so much noise up here”. As always, he walked downstairs and we could hear him laughing about how much he scared us. Elaine, too, was laughing loudly in her distinctive caustic creepy style. I was still trembling with fear and, I did not see what was so funny. Why do so many people, family and bullies, get such great pleasure out of making me fear them? Someday I am going to do something about it to cause them pain, as I feel. Well, I knew when we got to the holidays I would be having these issues as I always do. Maybe Christmas will be better this year.

Weeks later

Before I know it, it is Christmas and time for the family to get together as always, and wait for Santa Claus to bring presents. When the big day, December 24 arrives, I am happy it is Christmas Eve, one of my favorite days in the whole year. We always have a similar event. The kids go upstairs, and a very long half hour later, Grandpa shouts up the stairs that Santa is here and he was leaving. We all run down the stairs as fast as we can, through the kitchen, into the family room and saw all the adults standing at the front door shouting goodbye to the departing Santa Claus. When I get to the front door, Ernie said,

“You just missed him; maybe you’ll see him next year.”

Darn, I thought but I said, “Did he leave us any presents?”

“Yes, they are under the tree”, Grandpa said. All of us ran into the living room where the Christmas tree and the presents were.

After we received our gifts, Donna, Danny, Lauren and I went upstairs to play. After about a half hour, Elaine tromped loudly up the stairs. She grabbed me by both arms and shook me so violently I could feel my head snapping back and forth, “Stop making all that noise”, she screamed loudly with her face about three inches from mine.

Take that grin off your face or I will do it for you!” I began to cry. Seeing this, she screamed even louder,

“Stop that crying or I will give you something to cry about.” I could not stop crying, so she hit me two times on the rear end. It really hurt. I cried louder, so she pushed me away and tromped back down the stairs, screaming,

“Be quiet up here or I will be back up to spank all of you.” Someday, I am going to fix her, I thought. I hate her. I thought that I would rather be totally alone than have to put up with these people, even if it meant I would never see another Christmas present or the people that I do like in the family again. It would be worth it. Unknown to me at the time, this attitude about family was to stay with me for the rest of my life.

Being in a family with bullies’ means, in my mind, no matter where I am any day of my life, I am never safe from painful abuse and humiliating intimidation. Whether I am on the street, at school, or at home, bullies are everywhere. I am tired of being afraid everywhere.

I am not sure what I will do about my constant fear but I can feel determination building within me. Next month, I will look into various ways of dealing with the bullies whether they are family, Nuns or street kids. I am beginning to feel they are all the same. The only difference, as far as the Sisters are concerned, is that I have never seen them gloat or brag about mistreating me as I constantly see with both the school bullies and certain family members.

One month later

It is time to plan how to deal with the bullying, and I cannot think of anything else. I know the best thing that could happen is that I will get bigger, but don’t think I can do anything about growing faster right now. One answer might be to get stronger and learn how to fight. Kids seem to get so much pleasure out of bullying me, but I think if I could hurt them in some way, I think they might stop. Since I started hitting the smaller bullies, I learned that they do not expect to get hurt when they hurt little me. Maybe, if I could find a way to hurt them all, they might leave me alone, which is all I want. It does not matter how much they hurt me or whether I win the fight or not, I want them to feel the pain that I feel every day. Of course, there are always guns around- - - - - - - - - -some people in my family have them - - - - - - - - - - but killing them would be against the Ten Commandments. Still - - - -- - maybe someday, I will have no choice- - - - - - - - - - if nothing else works. I am a good shot.