Bullet Through Your Face (improved format) (37 page)

Yeah, and by the looks of it, Chief Kinion would know less
about all this fancy equipment than he knowed about Naturalism in
19th Century Literature, but he’d shore like ta have a clue as ta what
were goin’ on down here, just as shorely as he’d like ta know what
brung Doc Willis back ta life.

But, see, the Chief had et damn near over an hour ago, and when
goin’ so long without food, he found it hard to concerntrate, and
shorely he’d need ta concerntrate if he expected ta figger out what
was up with this here laboratory, and it just so happened that there
was one apparatus in the lab that Chief Kinion recognized, right over
there in the corner . . .

A refrigerator.
Yeah, I wonder what kinda chow they got in there. I could shore
use me a plate’a cold ribs or maybe a big pork-chop sammich, yes
sir!
There were a consideration, however, in that most folks might not
deem it too appropriate fer a officer’a the law to be helpin’ themselfs
to someone else’s viddles without proper permission’a the rightful
owner, but—
Hail!
the Chief thought,
It ain’t like Doc Willis’ll mind
much, on account I just kilt his dead-zombie ass!

.
. . and suddenly all the winders shattered, from the outside in!
“That’s it, that’s it, Officer,” Mrs. Willis’ voice continued to
flutter from behind that funky, hypnertizin’ purple light. And, that’s
right, Micah, now almost totally lost of his free-will, had the point’a
that syringe just about to sink inta his
dick-knob!
I cain’t fight it!
Hays thought.
I’se helpless against her and her evil, hypnertizin’, mind-controlin’ purple light! I gots no choice! I’se gonna have to stick this needle inta my peter!
But . . . could it be true? Could it be that PFC Micah Hays, God’s gift
to cracker women, was actually going to insert a hypodermic
needle—several inches long!—all the way into his pride and joy?
“NO!” Hays yelled, and in a movement nearly too fast to be
detected by the nekit eye, he dropped the syringe, whipped out his
cool-lookin’ mirrored sunglasses, and put ‘em on, and suddenly his
senses had returned!
“
I’se
in control now, bitch,” he chuckled to Mrs. Willis.
‘Cos, see, all that eerie hypnertizin’ light were now reflecterin’
off’a Micah’s sunglasses straight back inta Mrs. Willis’eyes! She just
stood there, blank-faced now, in a deep trance.
“Go ta sleep, bitch,” Micah Hays ordered. “And don’t wake up till I’se tell ya.”
“Yes, Officer Hays,” she droned back, and—
slap!
—she collapsed to the floor, her bare ass and back causin’the
slap,
and then that queer little purple marble fell from her fingers, the
purple light abated, and the motel room lights snapped back on.
“Close call.” Hays stuffed his penis back into his pants and zipped up, then looked out the front winder.

Shore enough, Doc Willis’fancy shiny-red kraut Mercedes were
parked right out front. “
She’s
the one who stolt it!
She’s
the one who
cut Doc Willis’throat, then hustled his body out the house ta confuse
us! And
she’s
the one who knocked all them boys out at the County
Watch-House, and no doubt done the same thang ta all the fellas at
the VFW hall!” Indeed, the deducterive Micah Hays had figgered
it all out--er, well, not all of it just yet. Like what was with the
dickneedle’n all that mumbo jumbo? And what was with the purple
marble’n Coke bottle’n and alls that shit?

Then Hays looked back in Majora’s briefcase, then gandered
some’a the papers in there.
“Well ain’t that just neat-o!” he said to himself.

Y
es sir, the Chief opened that there refrigerator just
knowin’
there’d be
somethin’ good in there to drop right in his breadbasket, like maybe
a big plate’a pork’n beans’n simmered onions, or funnelcakes’n
molasses or maybe even some leftover cornbread—

Naw, see, there weren’t nothin’ of the sort in that blammed
fridge, no sir. Absolutely ziltch ta eat.
Shee-it . . .
N’fact, alls that was
in there was . . .

“Now wait just one minute,” the Chief mumbled aloud.
Five 2-liter Coke bottles was what sat in the fridge.
A’corse, the Chief wouldn’t mind a good, sweet slug’a Coke

right now ta wet his whistle but it were quite clear that there weren’t
no Coke in
any
of them bottles; the Chief could see for hisself, in the
bright interior fridge light, that all them bottles were filled with milk
or somethin’, somethin’ white, so he took one out’n twisted off the
cap’n took a sniff and—

Well, the voice was such a surprise that the Chief spun ‘round in
somethin’ close to shock, and what shocked him even further was to
discover that the source’a the voice was none other than the stunning
Captain Majora.

What
weren’t
so stunning, though, was that she were pointin’
that bigass Government Model Colt .45 right in his face.
“Captain Majora!” he exclaimed.
“Don’t make any sudden movements,” she said. “I’m sorry
about this, Chief, but you’re going to have to remain under arrest
until you can be properly debriefed.”
“Duh . . .
debriefed?”
“That’s right, Chief Kinion,” she said in her tight, prim’n proper
Army uniform, and, well, not ta sound sexist, but her tits were fillin’
out the khaki top just dandy. “I”m afraid things aren’t quite as they
seem—”
“You shore got that right, ya lyin’ tramp! Freeze!”
click!
“Hays!” the Chief rejoiced.
Yes sir, just in the nick’a time’n by the grace’a Gawd, it were
none other than PFC Micah Hays who’d appeared as if from out’a
nowheres, and even better, he were holdin’ his service revolver right
smack-dab up against Captain Majora’s temple.
“You’se a ballsy bitch, ain’t ya?” Hays said with a cocked grin,
“thankin’ya kin hold my fine boss at gunpoint. Well you got just one
second ta drop yer piece or else I’ll’se drop
you
and yer li’l prissy,
citified red bush ta boot,
Captain
Majora, or should I say
Geyserite!
”
Majora dropped her pistol, then went slump-shouldered. “How
did you find out my classified codename?”
“Same way I found out you really ain’t in the Army,” Hays
answered, “and the same way I found out what’s
really
goin’ on.”
“Hays,” Kinion stepped up, still holding the opened 2-liter Coke
bottle. “Dang good work, boy, just like the way I trained ya. But . . .
what else is that ya got there?”