Broken Rules (21 page)

Up until this point, there had never been any
awkward silences. As uncomfortable as it was standing there with him, Alex
couldn’t figure out what she could say. There were so many feelings running
through her that she finally just came out and said it.

 “This isn’t normal, Marco. The only time I
can see you is at night. You say you hate all this, but you’re playing by their
rules. You were insulted when I told you I didn’t want to be with you because
you were an actor. You told me that wasn’t who you were, it’s what you did.
Well, Marco, I hate to break it to you, but it’s becoming who you are.”

 “Because I called you drunk, once?”

 “No, it’s not just because of last night,
Marco. It’s everything. It’s not being able to be seen together. It’s seeing
all the pictures of you, not just with Kimberly, but with everyone.” She shook
her head and calmed a little, before she continued.

 “Marco, you don’t see it. You’re too close,
you’re inside of it. But this is why it won’t work with us. I can’t be with
you. I just can’t. The life that actors lead, it, it’s just different. You’re
in your own weird little bubble. The rest of us don’t, can’t fit in there.
Different rules apply to us and, honestly, Marco, I don’t want to live by your
rules. They’re not good. They’re not good for me.”

 “You’re breaking up with me because I’m an
actor.”

She hated how petty he was making her seem, but if
those were the only terms he could understand, then that’s what she would use.

 “Marco, I tried. I know you’re different, I
do. But this industry isn’t going to make an exception for you.”

 “We’ll stop with all the sneaking around,
Alexandra. I promise. Please, you can’t leave me. You’re the only one who knows
me. You understand me.” Alex hated hearing him plead. It wasn’t who he was, and
she knew it killed him inside to be weak like that. But it didn’t matter. She
had to be the adult, the logical, reasonable person.

 “I have to, Marco. I can’t just be an island
you come to when you need safety and protection. I can’t be this separate
thing.”

 “I told you, we’ll go public, you won’t be
an island! You’ll be there with me.”

 “But I don’t want that life, Marco. I don’t
want to walk down the red carpet with you. I don’t want paparazzi waiting to
take pictures taken of me walking my dogs or going to the supermarket. And if I
stay with you, either that will be my life, or if I pull away, I’ll pull you
away and then you’ll resent me for holding you back. It’s not going to work,
Marco. It’s just not.”

 “Coming here tonight, calling you last
night, I wanted to be with you, to share the opening with you, do you know why,
Alexandra?” his tone had changed. He was no longer pleading. He was back in
control and he wanted to make it clear she understood him. “I wanted to
celebrate the movie, not just because of what it means for my career, not just
because I’m proud of it. I wanted to celebrate it, because it’s what brought us
together. I never would have met you if it weren’t for this movie.”

Alex felt like a heel. These were words any woman
would want to hear. Hell, she wanted to hear them. But was it enough? It was
great when it was just the two of them, but there was so much more than just
them.

But his words did work. At least for the time
being. As she feared, being with him softened her resolve.

Alex sighed, “I don’t want to waste the little
time that we have together fighting or arguing.” She held out her hand and when
he put his in hers she pressed up on her tiptoes to give him a kiss and then
said, “Congratulations on the movie, Marco. Now, let’s go celebrate.” She gave
him a shy smile and led him down the hallway to the bedroom. She knew it was a
cop out. She knew she should be stronger, but what she felt for him had a
strength of its own.

The next few weeks, every time Alex vowed that she
couldn’t handle the life that was becoming hers and Marco’s, he’d convince her
to stay and try and that things would change, that they would become easier.
She hated how all of her well-made plans went out the window once he cooed in
her ear, kissed that tender spot on her neck, and made her body feel the things
that only he was capable of eliciting. Of course, it wasn’t just the physical
that made her stay.

The movie had opened to great reviews and box
office, and thankfully, Marco was able to end the public charade of him and
Kimberly, which meant the constant newsfeed that had been the two of them
finally waned, which only bolstered Marco’s argument for them to be together
and weakened Alex’s resolve. She couldn’t tell if this was just one more part
of Marco’s controlling tendencies, or her taking the easy way out. Not that she
was settling. Alex wouldn’t have stayed if it were all bad. The truth was, the
time that they spent together was wonderful even though they were still in
their own little cocoon. Alex started opening up a part of herself she never
even knew existed. She was learning there was a soft, vulnerable side that she
felt safe exposing to Marco. It wasn’t that she was all hard edges, it was just
that, for the first time in her adult life, there was someone who took care of
Alex. And it felt amazing. So she let it continue.

And even though she was the one who hated all the
sneaking around, the reality was that
she
was the one who wasn’t yet
ready to ‘go public’. Not to mention that she had been so busy with work that
even if she had wanted to spend more than just nights with him, there just
wasn’t any extra time to squeeze out of her days or his. In an odd way, they
were falling into somewhat of a normal routine, and Alex thought perhaps they
were just like other couples, or could be. Even though she knew deep down it
wasn’t the case. In the almost two months since being back from their trip,
they hadn’t once been out together. It was always time spent at her house or
his. And as nice as their time together was, she knew things couldn’t go on
like this forever.

But there was something else. Part of her felt
like she was turning into someone she didn’t recognize. She had become more
emotional than ever before. Unused to sweating the small stuff, she found
herself tearing up at the slightest thing. Never an emotional eater, she was
grabbing things off the Kraft services table at shoots that she never ate
before. And for the first time in her life, she actually felt fat. She blamed
her relationship with Marco for taking this heavy emotional toll, for the
eating, for the weight gain for feeling like someone other than herself… and
then it hit her. The oatmeal cookie that she had just downed started coming
back up just as quickly. She couldn’t remember the last time she got her
period.
This couldn’t be happening
was her last thought as she ran off
set to go puke in the women’s room.

Grateful no one else was in the bathroom, after
Alex had literally tossed her cookies, she stared at her reflection and rinsed
her mouth. Her heart was pounding, her head was spinning and she felt like she
was going to be sick again. She knew she couldn’t stay there any longer. She
needed to know if her gut was right.

Alex cut the prelight short, just one more action
that was becoming a long list of things out of character for her, telling Jesús
she wasn’t feeling well, and headed straight to the drugstore. She couldn’t
believe that at 37 she was pulling a pregnancy test off the shelf. Grateful for
self-checkout, she was able to leave without incurring the judgment of a store
employee, and raced home. Once there, she wasted no time, gave no head rubs or
cookies to the animals as she rushed to the bathroom only too afraid of what
she was about to find. Even before she peed on the stick though, she knew in
her heart and mind what the outcome would be. It wasn’t the emotional roller
coaster of her relationship with Marco that was making her a basket case. It
was hormones. And sure enough, that little pink plus confirmed it. Alex was
pregnant.

That night, she texted Marco that she wasn’t
feeling well and wouldn’t be coming over. After a few texts back and forth,
assuring him that she didn’t need anything, she curled up in her bed and cried
herself to sleep.

The next morning she made an emergency appointment
with her OB/GYN. A few years back she had taken some family portraits as a
favor for her doctor. She’d never planned on playing that card, but after the
receptionist told her that Dr. Rosenberg’s next appointment wasn’t for another
month, Alex, as nicely as possible, asked if she could check if the doctor could
make an exception for her. After an interminably long time on hold, the
receptionist came back to let Alex know that she could be seen that afternoon.

 “Well, you’re right, Alex. You’re pregnant.”
Dr. Rosenberg said after Alex’s quick urine sample. “And by the looks of
things, you’re not too happy about it.”

 “Doctor, I’ve been coming to you for how
long? Ten years, at least, right?” Alex asked rhetorically and the doctor
nodded. “Have you ever once heard me tell you that some day I want children?”
The doctor shook her head. “I can’t be pregnant. I don’t want kids. It’s just
not for me. It never has been. Ever.”

 “I understand, Alex. And if you’re sure, I
can do the procedure here in the office.”

This time, it was Alex who nodded and then said
quietly, “I’m sure.”

 “Ok, dear. I’ll let the front desk know. I
do procedures on Thursdays. I can have them squeeze you in this week if you’re
ready.”

 “I’m ready.” Alex said somberly.

 “And I’ll have them call in a prescription
for the pill.” Dr. Rosenberg said and Alex just nodded, furious with herself
that she had been so irresponsible that she let this happen. It wasn’t Marco’s
fault, it was Alex’s. She knew better. She was the adult. And she was the one
who would suffer the consequences.

The doctor gave her a sympathetic look and patted
her hand. “Ok, dear. You can get dressed now.” She took a breath and then said,
“Unless anything changes, I’ll see you Thursday. The girls at the front desk
will give you instructions of what you’ll need to do beforehand and what to
expect.” As she walked out, she turned back and said, “I’m sorry, Alex. No one
wants to go through this.”

Alex mumbled a thanks thinking that truer words
had never been spoken. She got dressed quickly, already aware that her jeans
were a bit tighter and her breasts more tender than ever before. Then, like an
elementary school kid being sent to the principal’s office, she slowly walked
with her head down as she made her way to the front desk.

••••

 “Jesús, I need to ask you a favor.” Alex
said as she sat in her car, calling Jesús from the parking lot of the doctor’s
office.

Jesús had known Alex long enough to know that a)
she never asked anything of him, b) that whatever she wanted, he’d do, and c)
whatever was in her voice, he’d never heard it. Well, maybe when they were
about to get on that small plane, but in all the time that he had known her,
this didn’t sound like the Alex he knew.

 “Anything for you, Alex.”

 “I need a ride somewhere on Thursday. I’ll
tell you when you pick me up. I just need you to take me somewhere and wait for
me and then take me home. Ok?”

Jesús may not have been a straight-A student, but
he wasn’t an idiot. He knew enough to know not to ask more than what Alex was
offering, but more than that, he had a pretty good idea of what she needed.
He’d seen enough girls in high school need the same types of ‘rides’. He’d
heard the shame and embarrassment in Alex’s voice.

 “You got it. What time should I pick you
up?” he asked as coolly as possible. He knew the last thing she probably needed
were any questions from him. She gave him the brief details and they hung up
shortly thereafter. And, if he weren’t worried about possibly ending up in jail
and unable to take Alex to her appointment, he would have right then and there
driven over to that
pendejo
Marco’s house and beat his pretty-ass face
to a pulp.

The ride to the doctor’s office was a quiet one.
Alex simply gave Jesús the address and asked him to drop her off, that she
should be ready to go a couple hours later and she’d text him when he could
come back. Like a dutiful soldier, he simply nodded, mumbled, “no problem” and
did as she asked.

When given the option between having a local and a
general, Alex asked the doctor to just give her a local as she didn’t want the
anesthesia in her system. She didn’t want this to be a bigger deal than it
already was. She just wanted to get it taken care of and get back to her life.

The procedure itself didn’t take long. It was
uncomfortable, loud and at a few times, painful. But Alex was grateful it was
over as quickly as it was. While it was upsetting and emotional, there was no
question in Alex’s mind that what she was doing was right. She didn’t want
children. And she didn’t want to ruin her life because she’d made a mistake and
acted irresponsibly.

True to form, Jesús picked her up when she texted
and the ride back home was as quiet as the one going. The only difference was
that when they got to Alex’s house, Jesús insisted, “let me help you out,
Alex,” after she had winced a few times when he hit a pothole or speedbump. He
parked the car and ran around the front to quickly open her door, help her out,
and hold her as she walked gingerly to her door.

 “Alex, can I do anything? Get you anything?”
he asked, more like pleaded.

Alex gave him a soft reassuring smile and shook
her head, “You’ve already done more than I should have asked. Thank you,
Jesús.”

He shoved his hands in his pockets and then asked
softly, “Does he even know?”

Alex wasn’t surprised by the question. She just
shook her head no. And he nodded. There wasn’t much else to say. Though it made
it harder for Jesús to hate Marco if the guy didn’t even know.

 “Promise you’ll call if you need anything?”

Alex nodded and leaned in to kiss Jesús on the
cheek. “Thank you, Jesús.” And then she turned, let herself inside her house
and softly closed the door behind her.

The next few days, Alex felt like she was
sleepwalking. She couldn’t exercise, she didn’t have any shoots, and she kept
telling Marco that she had the flu and it was best for him to stay away, lest
she infect him. By the third day, Marco had tired of Alex’s excuses and decided
to show up, whether she liked it or not.

When she heard her doorbell, she knew it could
only be one very stubborn, headstrong man, unwilling to take no for an answer.
Alex knew she looked like shit. It wasn’t even that she felt so bad physically,
she just was such a mess emotionally. She hadn’t washed her hair in days,
barely even showered, and the weight she had gained had quickly disappeared
after not eating at all.

 “Alexandra,
dios
!” Marco exclaimed,
worry written all over his face as he put his hand to her forehead. At least
she looked the part of the sick girlfriend. “No fever, that’s good.
Ay
,
Alexandra,
pobrecita
…” he trailed off as he pulled her into a hug and
kissed her greasy hair. Alex felt even worse, deceiving him like this as his
concern was so genuine. As nice as his warm embrace felt, Alex couldn’t accept
it and pulled away, mumbling some lame excuse about not wanting to get him
sick.

Once he had made it clear he wasn’t going
anywhere, Alex excused herself to go shower, partly because she was so
disgusted with herself, partly to escape and try to think. She wished the water
could wash everything away, but knew there was only so much she could get clean.
And her conscience was something that still felt very, very dirty. Not because
of what she had done, but because she didn’t tell Marco. And now she was lying
to him.

Resigned that she couldn’t stay in the shower
forever, Alex came out to find Marco sitting in between Ansel and Annie,
petting each of them. Ansel absentmindedly just kept licking and licking
Marco’s hand. Seeing this made Alex smile and chuckle.

 “He’s been licking my hand ever since you
went into the shower. I’m starting to worry he’s going to wear the skin off.”
Marco teased.

 “I’ve always said that if he were a human,
he’d be a chain smoker. He has to have something in his mouth or someone to
lick, at all times.”

Marco’s expression turned devilish as he got up
and pulled Alex into an embrace, “Perhaps that’s what you need,
mi amor
.
I could lick you and make you feel oh so much better.” He purred in her ear.

Alex flinched and started to pull away, but Marco
kept a tight hold on her. Alex had never reacted that way, sending red flags.
“Alexandra, you don’t want me?” his tone wary.

 “It’s not that, Marco, I just, I just can’t
right now.”

 “Can’t what? You can’t be with me? Why?” he
asked suspiciously. “Is it your period? You know I don’t care about that.”
Hearing that made Alex flinch again. She just shook her head, looking down.

 “Then what, Alexandra? Is it another man?
What is it?”