Broken Holidays: A Broken Series Novella (The Broken Series) (9 page)

It was five days before I even saw Lili again. I was pulling into the driveway as she climbed in a cab, leaving. I wasn’t sure if she’d been working or just going away to avoid me; either way, it was what needed to happen.

I was still convincing myself that it was for the best.

Sighing, I watched the cab disappear from my mirror before climbing out of my car. Exhausted wasn’t even the word for it. It had been the longest stretch at work and I was looking forward to not waking up to an alarm in the morning. Closing the door, I overheard voices in the kitchen.

“I still feel bad for her,” Kas said, the sound of a chair scraping against the floor following. “It’s got to be uncomfortable to feel like you can’t even be in the same room as someone you considered to be one of your best friends.”

“He’s being an asshole and she’s just letting him get away with it.” Tish sounded irritated, but I didn’t move. I knew it was wrong to eavesdrop, but I wanted to know what she’d said to them.

“She’s upset. She’s hurt that he keeps pushing her away when she cares about him. And she’s angry. She has every right to be. He proved that everything Lizzie said to her was true.”

I dropped my keys on the table then, making my presence known as I walked down the hall. “What Lizzie said to who was true?”

Kas and Tish both glanced up at me. Tish’s expression was guarded while Kas looked uncomfortable at her words being overheard. I focused on her, since she was the one that spoke.

“What did Lizzie say?”

Kas moved back to a chair at the table but didn’t sit. “She told Lili that you thought of her as nothing more than another…conquest. But obviously, not as nicely.”

I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose. Of course, I had no one to blame — not even Lizzie. What she’d said was no different than what I’d said to Lili myself. “When did Lili even see her?”

Dropping my hand, I stared at Kas until she answered. “Lizzie went to Lili’s work on Christmas evening and confronted her.”

I thought back on what I’d said to Lizzie, on our fight and the fact that she’d pointed out that she knew where I’d been and who I’d been with. I should’ve known she’d do something like this but, as always, I tried to think of Lizzie as a decent human being. I was giving her too much credit, it seemed. “Of course she did.” I pulled out my phone, walking away from Tish and Kas without another word as I dialed Lizzie.

“Hmm…how did I know you’d call about New Year’s Eve?” Lizzie cooed into the phone. Just the sound of her voice when she was trying to be seductive made my skin crawl. I couldn’t understand how this woman and her actions repulsed the logical part of my brain, but with enough alcohol, I was able to fall into bed with her, knowing it was a huge mistake.

“Not on your life, Liz. I just wanted to tell you that your little stunt didn’t go unnoticed. I’m not going to tell you again to stay out of my life. What I do on my own time is none of your fucking business.”

“Don’t you mean
who
you do?” she laughed.

“Either way, it’s not going to be you anymore,” I said, hating the smugness of her tone.

“So you say,” she laughed. “We’ll see how long it lasts this time.”

“Just back off. Stay out of my life,” I said, hanging up before she could respond. It was childish and I knew calling her hadn’t actually done any good, but again, it was my own stupid fault for overestimating her common decency.

I needed to clear my head.

Pulling
up to the familiar spot on the edge of the grass, I turned off the engine. Every time I came here, I felt even more guilty for not coming sooner. I grabbed the flowers, pink peonies, from the front seat and started up the small incline. When I reached the stone, I knelt down, brushing the dirt and debris off the marble plaque that signified my greatest mistake in life.

“Hey, Liv,” I whispered, the words shaky as I carefully placed the flowers on the corner of the stone. I stared at the small container of poinsettias that was no doubt from Tish on Christmas. We didn’t talk about Liv, including when we came to see her. “I know I should’ve come for Christmas, but between work and Conner…” I sighed. “It’s just been a rough year.” I settled myself against the cool ground, draping my arms over my knees. “That’s all they seem to be anymore. I keep thinking it has to get better. Things have to get easier. But they don’t.”

I stared out in the distance, not really looking at anything in particular as I tried to remember the sound of her voice. “I think it’s gone. Your voice. I can’t hear it anymore. That’s the worst part. I mean, I can look at pictures and see your face. I can remember the things you used to say, but the sound of your voice is gone. You know they didn’t keep family videos, there really weren’t many moments in our childhood that we would want to remember that included them anyway, but I wish they’d been more normal. I wish we’d been like other families so I could watch a video and hear your voice.” I swallowed back the lump rising in my throat. “I wish we’d been like other families for a hundred different reasons.”

After a pause, I fell into the same lines that always came when I was here. “It should’ve been me, Olivia. You weren’t supposed to be home, but I should’ve said something. I should’ve warned you, talked to you, something. I should’ve acted faster, dove in front of the gun instead of at him, anything.” I pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes, unable to hold the tears inside any longer. “I should’ve been able to save you.”

As the silence stretched, every word I wished I could say, every little thing I could’ve and should’ve done differently, played out in my mind. My phone buzzed in my jacket pocket and I sighed, irritated that I hadn’t left it in the car like I normally did when I was here. I pulled it out. Seeing Paige’s name on my screen, I debated whether to answer or not. I finally caved, unable to stop myself. If there was one positive that came from losing Olivia, it was that I never took Paige for granted. The downside to that was the constant worry.

What if I ignored her call and something happened to her before I got to talk to her again?

“Hey, Paige,” I said, trying to make my voice sound as normal as possible.

“Bubbles!” She laughed into the phone. Music was playing in the background and by her use of the nickname she called me when she was in high school, I figured she was probably drinking.

“Enjoying yourself a little early?” I asked, clearing my throat to keep the tears out of my voice.

“I was. But something told me that I should call you,” she said, her voice sounding more serious.

“Something told you, huh? That’s mysterious.”

“Call it sisterly instinct. Where are you?” she asked.

I looked around and considered lying, but there was no reason to. “Talking to Liv.”

She was quiet for a long moment. Paige and I didn’t discuss Liv any more than Tish and I did. “I knew you were hurting.”

“I can’t hear her anymore,” I admitted, both hating and loving that this was the first discussion I’d had with either of my siblings about Olivia in as long as I could remember. “I can see her face in my head, but I can’t hear her voice anymore…I hate it.”

Paige sniffled and the sound of the music and background noise faded before I heard a door close over the line. I felt guilty; Paige deserved to have fun tonight and I was being a downer. “I have something that will help.” I heard the sound of a drawer opening and rustling. “She called me about a month before…” she trailed off for a second before continuing, “it was right after you bought us the phones so we could talk to her without Mom and Dad finding out. She left a message and then when…once she was gone, I recorded it so I’d always have it.”

I didn’t realize I was holding my breath until I coughed, nearly choking in my need for air.

“I’m going to put you on speakerphone,” Paige said as the background noise around her became slightly more apparent. I heard the click of a button and then Olivia’s voice filled my ears.

“Hey, baby sis, I know you’re in practice right now but I’m between a study session and my shift at work so I wanted to call and tell you that I’m proud of you. Zane sent me a text that said you made the cheer squad and you were loving it. I wish I could’ve seen it. I did make him promise to send me pictures, so deal with it when he takes them. I want you to know that I really am so proud of the woman you’re becoming. You’re growing up so fast. You and Zane, both. It won’t last forever, Paige. You’ll be out of there and free of it all and life gets better. I promise. Both you and Zane are so strong, I know you’ll make it. He loves you a lot, so don’t give him too much crap about being overprotective. It’s what big brothers do. Tish did it to me when we were younger and I know it can be a pain, but Zane is a good guy and a great brother, he just takes everything on himself. I love you and I miss you. Take care of yourself and tell Zane I said I love him too.”

The sound of Paige’s sniffles and my own ragged breathing was all I could hear for several minutes as I processed Liv’s words.

“I thought I’d never hear her voice again,” I finally said, my own voice barely above a whisper.

“I’m sorry. I should’ve told you I had it sooner but…” It was obvious that Paige was crying and her being so upset hurt me.

“But I don’t talk about Olivia to anyone. I know, Paige. I’m sorry. I’m just so sorry,” I said, sobbing into my knees again as the guilt threatened to choke me.

“Stop. Don’t be sorry. Do you remember what you told me when you woke up in the hospital when your arm was broken and you caught me crying? You said it was okay to be angry about what happened. That it was okay to be sad. That it was okay to hate God and Dad and the system that kept failing us and anyone else I wanted to hate for the hell we were living in. But it wasn’t okay to feel guilty. Do you remember telling me that?”

“That’s differ—”

“No! No, Zane, it’s not different. You told me that feeling guilty over things that happened to us would only hurt us. You told me to be angry. You told me to be sad. And you told me to push back. Goddammit, Zane, push back! You’ve been drowning in the guilt for so long and it has to stop. One day, it has to stop.”

I wished I could believe her. I remembered saying that to her, but what happened then happened
to
her. This was different, whether she wanted to see it that way or not. “I love you, Paige. You know that, right?”

“Stop talking like that!” she snapped, her voice rising to a scream. “You need to get help, Zane. I’m scared and I can’t lose you, too.”

“You’re not going to lose me. I’m not suicidal, Paige. My life might be crap right now but I have Conner to think about. I can’t fall apart.” I sniffed, pulling myself together. “Not like that.”

“One of these days, I’m going to be strong enough to come back there,” Paige whispered.

“And God help us all when you do.” I tried to laugh, but it still sounded forced. “Look, it’s just a place. I can’t deny you the fact that you took off and put as much distance as you could between you and here, but when you do come back, you’ll see. You’re still the same strong girl you’ve always been.”

“I love you,” she whispered. I couldn’t help but smile.

“Love you, too. Now, go enjoy your party. Happy New Year.”

“Happy New Year, Bubbles.”