Broken Hearts Damaged Goods (16 page)

Oct. 26, 2010

Jack called me last
night.  I was glad that he did.  He said that he missed me.  I told him that
was part of the whole breaking up thing.  He then reminded me that we weren’t
ever really dating, so we didn’t have to follow the rules about breaking up.

I guess he has forgiven
Steve.  He said that he couldn’t really be angry at a guy that introduced me to
him.

I asked him if he had
seen Brittany yet.  I probably shouldn’t have.  With him calling me and acting
like he didn’t really want to end what we had, I wanted to know if he had seen
her or felt anything for her.

He said that he hadn’t
seen her and that he wasn’t going to go to the bars to look for a random
hookup, either.  I told him I understood and that I had given up on men for a
little bit.  My vibrator would have to satisfy me.

He asked me if I had my
vibrator nearby.  He then started to tell me that he was kissing me.  The next
thing I knew we were having phone sex.  The sad part is that he was better over
the phone than a lot of the guys I’ve done in person.

He even continued to
talk after the sex.  We spent the rest of the night on the phone talking about
stupid stuff.  It was so stupid that I can’t even remember what it was about.

By two in the morning,
we were both getting tired, but neither one of wanted to hang up.  That’s when
Jack suggested that we put our phones on speaker.  “Put yours on the pillow
where I used to sleep, and we’ll talk like we used to do.”

“I’ll put it on your
side of the bed.  I’m kind of hugging your pillow, while it still smells like
you.”

“You’ll have to give me
something to remember you by.  All I have are the memories, and they aren’t
quite enough to comfort me tonight.”

I don’t know what time
I fell asleep.  I passed out talking to him and holding the pillow that he had
been sleeping on since he started spending the night with me.  When I woke up
around 7 in the morning, I called his name.  He didn’t answer, but I could hear
him breathing.  That was enough for me.

I spent the next two
hours waiting to see what he would do when he woke up.  Hearing him say my name
was worth it.

With our batteries
about to die, we said goodbye and tried to go on with our day.

Oct. 27, 2010

After several texts and
Facebook chats, I decided that I should probably give Jack something to remind
him of me as he slept tonight, so I went over to his place and offered myself to
him for his nightly comfort.

I didn’t think about
Steve answering the door.  I had forgotten how little he talked.  Of course, to
be fair, I was dressed in a slightly inappropriate night gown to be knocking on
somebody’s door at nine o’clock at night.  When I ignored his silence, I let
myself in and was soon greeted with Brittany.

As soon as I saw her, I
was looking around for Jack.  It’s always best to not get into a cat fight when
you don’t have a guy around to defend you.  And Brittany had her claws out. 
Before I even got to the living room, she said, “My, we’re looking slutty,
Liselle.  I thought you and Jack had broken up?”

“We have, but that
doesn’t mean she can’t do an overnight visit, Brittany.”  And there was Jack
with his calm, cool wit to defend me.  “But I wouldn’t expect you to understand
that.  You thought we were still in a serious relationship while you were
fucking my best friend.”

As he walked past
Brittany, he couldn’t take his eyes off of me.  It had only been a day since we
had seen each other, but it felt even better than I remembered to have his arms
around my waist as he pulled me close to him and kissed me.

As he told me how
beautiful I looked, Brittany stood beside Steve and glared at us.  “Get a room. 
I feel like I’m going to catch an STD just watching you two.”

“Well, considering I
was screwing your boyfriend when you decided to screw him, you might want to
get yourself checked out.  Cause, I mean, I have slept with a lot of guys, so I
passed on everything I had to Steve.  And when you consider that I wasn’t his
first, you’re probably pretty disease ridden there, Brittany.  Your children
are probably going to be born blind or something”, I said as I walked by her.

And that’s when Jack
led me to his bedroom only stopping once to turn to Steve and Brittany to say,
“Now if you will excuse us, we’re going to be satisfying our carnal lusts.”

Once we were in the
safety of his bedroom, I turned to him and said, “What did you ever see in
her?”

“I’m sorry.  That was
before I knew that there were women out there like you that flaunted their
promiscuity while trying to turn me on.”

And instead of judging
me, he held me closer.  I may not have felt it at the moment, but he told me
again that I was beautiful.  And I could tell by the way he held me and looked
at me that he truly meant it.

“I’m sorry that I slept
with all of the guys that I slept with before I met you.”

But before I could say
more, he stopped me and said, “You will never have to apologize to me for your
past.  It’s not what caused us to break up.”

“And what did cause us
to break up?”

“Among many things, the
fact that we were never really together.  With all of the pretending, we
couldn’t tell what was imaginary and what was real anymore.”

“I hate to tell you
this, but that’s common when you’re in love.”

“I know.  I’m just
hoping that this time I can have something I know to be real.  I’ve spent too
much time pretending because I was afraid of the reality that I was masking.”

And he was right.  I’ve
spent too much time pretending to be in love with guys that I was no longer in
love with or even physically attracted to even more.  And I don’t know at what
point he knew that it wasn’t working out between him and Brittany, but this was
the first time he admitted that he continued the masquerade of their
relationship instead of pulling the plug on what was an unresponsive
relationship.  Even when you know the relationship is on life support, you
still hope that it can be fixed.  It’s painful to watch something die, even if
you know it is time for it to end.

I don’t know why I did
it, but as I was with him, I asked him, “Do you still love her?”

“There are times that I
miss her, but I don’t know if that is same thing as love.  I miss being able to
spend time with her and Steve and to just have things the way it was for so
long.  But then I feel like it’s trying to hold onto a life that no longer wants
me, and that I have to let go of the past.”

“Do you feel that way
about me?”

“No.  Saying goodbye to
you the other day was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  At least when I
broke up with Brittany, I didn’t have to hide the fact that I loved her and was
hurting at that moment.”

“I hate to tell you
this, but you’ve been doing a terrible job of hiding your feelings for me.”

“I know, but you’ll
find that as you grow older, it’s a lot easier to lie to yourself than to
search your soul and admit to somebody else what you find down there.”

I don’t know why, but I
kissed him.  It wasn’t a make out session.  It wasn’t passionate.  And it
wasn’t leading anywhere.  I was kissing him – his heart, soul, and entire
being.  And if he fought it in the beginning, he was soon kissing me back with
his heart and soul.

I don’t know how long
we stayed that way.  We seemed to be frozen in time.  We were brought back to
reality by the sound of Steve and Brittany having sex next door.

Jack looked at me and
then I recognized the look on his face.  It was the same as the other day when
I told him that giving himself to me in an attempt to make me stay would only
make him regret it.  I didn’t realize how I had crushed his spirit that day
until that moment.

“When we have sex, I
don’t want you question your feelings for me.  I’ve slept with guys that I
shouldn’t have because I thought that it would make them love me more, or make
them stay once I started to feel them slip away.”

As much as it hurt to
admit this, I continued, “I can never take back all of the things that I’ve
done, but I can finally know what it is like to love somebody and have them
truly love me in return for the first time with you.”

Instead of saying
anything or kissing me, he just held me.  And I was fine with that.

By

Jack Webber

T
here is a certain
danger in confronting a former lover in the early morning hours.  Despite what
you might be feeling at that moment, the past plays tricks on your senses.  The
smell of her perfume reminds you of happier times when you were more certain
about your future.

Trouble sleeping?

Lying to her won’t
help.  She knows you too well, so you just ignore her and hope that it’s your
mind playing a cruel trick on your heart.  Your mind is the only thing that you
can trust right now.

You know the breakup
process works better if you don’t let the woman you’re trying to get over come
over for a booty call.

Responding now would
only encourage her.  She acts as if she has a power over you.  You’re afraid to
admit that she does.

Unless you aren’t
trying to get over... What’s her name?

Liselle?

Unless you aren’t
trying to get over Liselle.  Even your mother could see what she really is. 
And I think that if you would admit it to yourself that you never really loved
her.  You were using her in a pathetic attempt to get over that one true love
of your life.

As she lets her words
sink in, she draws in closer to you to let the smell of her hair to tempt you,
her eyes to tease you, and her mouth to taunt you.

As you turn to face her,
a glimmer of victory shows in her eyes.  You find yourself playing with her
hair like you used to do.  With each touch, she only encourages you more to
give into her and her words.

I remember the first
time that I saw you.  You were a vision of loveliness, like an angel that had
descended from heaven, a gift from God to make our lives better.

You taught me how to
love and how truly great it could be to have a woman in my life.

As you start to caress
her face and trace the outline of her lips with your fingers, she moans ever so
slightly in agreement and starts to suck on your fingers.

But of all the things
that you’ve taught me, the one thing I remember the most is the lesson that you
never meant to teach me.

You meet the horror in
her eyes without flinching and continue.

Steve has been my
friend for as long as I can remember.  I have been with him as we were
discovering girls.  I’ve seen the look in his eyes before.  He’s getting ready
to dump you.

You don’t love me. 
You’re just trying to beat him to the punch.  I’ve learned your tricks.

She holds on to you
desperately as you start to leave.  She confesses her sins against you and
professes her love.

You have dreamed of
this moment from the time that she rejected you.  All of the power that she took
from you comes rushing back.  And as you are about to deliver the justice that
you longed for, all of the feelings of love and compassion temper your hatred.

And as she waits for
your verdict, you aren’t even sure of what will come out of your mouth. 

Do you stick the final
knife in the past that you lost and twist it to make sure that it will never
come back, or do you try to make peace with it?

There was a time when I
would have given anything just to have you back again. From the time I was
seventeen, I always thought you would be the one to complete my education. 
Instead you taught me when it’s the right time to end a relationship.

So, Teacher, it’s here
that I must leave you.

But seeing that I have
now surpassed you in knowledge, I will give you this advice.  In the beginning,
your self-worth will be at an all-time low.  You will think that nobody could
ever love you.

Guys can smell that on
a woman.  You might think that by sleeping with them that they will like you. 
They will just be using you for sex.

When that happens to
you, I hope you will remember what you have thought about Liselle.  Then I hope
you will think of me and realize that I saw more.  Maybe someday another guy
will see what I once saw in you.

And you leave her
there.  You know that there will still be days when you will think of her, but
you will think of her differently.

Oct. 28, 2010

Jack was gone this
morning when I woke up.  He had left me a note saying that he didn’t want to
wake me, but that he had some things to take care of.  He would see me later
that night.  At one point, he had written “I love you” in the note, but he had
crossed it out.

I waited around his
apartment for him.  While I was watching the TV in the living room, Brittany
came out and sat down next to me.  I was going to ignore her, but she started
talking to me as if we were old friends.

“Did Jack already
leave?  He’s good at that, you know.  He will say that he’s busy working on
some piece or whatever, but you never know with him.”

I just looked at her.

“Of course, you really
don’t know about that, do you?  You haven’t been with him long enough to have
him write anything for you, have you?  You haven’t even been with him long
enough to get him to commit to you, have you?”

“Do you mind?  I’m
trying to watch this.”

“That’s fine.  I just
thought you would like to know that while you were sleeping last night, Jack
snuck out of his room and met me out here on this sofa.”

I tried to ignore her,
but she continued, “I have to admit his technique has improved since meeting
you.  I should thank you for that, I guess.”

I couldn’t speak, and
she took this opportunity to continue, “I’m sorry.  Didn’t he tell you?  Steve
and I are breaking up.  Once it becomes ‘official’, Jack and I will pick up our
previous relationship right where we left off.”

I don’t know why, but I
started to punch the shit out of her.  I was going for her face.  Somehow I
ended up on top of her, and she wasn’t putting up much of a fight.  I managed
to dig all of my fingernails into her face and drag them across her face,
before Steve came into the room and pulled me off of her.

Brittany started to get
up at that point and would have fought me, except that Steve was keeping us
apart as he was trying to get answers.

I had found my voice by
that point and started screaming, “She’s breaking up with you and is getting
back together with Jack!”

And that kind of ended
the fight.  The fight was now between Brittany and Steve.  I just wanted out of
there.  I wanted to be alone.

I don’t remember
driving home.  I remember walking in the front door and Megan looking at me.  I
had been crying, but I totally broke down at that point.  She held me as I told
her everything that happened.

About three in the
afternoon, Jack came barging into my apartment.  He tried talking to me, but I
yelled at him to go away.

And he did.  He just
left.  He didn’t even try to explain.

I guess we are truly
over.  He now has his precious Brittany back.  He will no longer feel torn
between which girl to love.  His mom should be happy.  I’m just a distant
memory that will soon be forgotten.