Broken Desires (9 page)

He shut the dishwasher, turned and leaned against the cabinet, palms on the granite countertop, legs crossed and cock bulging. She gasped a little and shook her head, staring into her coffee for an eye break.

“Your vulva is fine,” he said.

Her heart sank at the
fine
bit. His tone hinted at casual but there was no way the man was strutting around in all that sex appeal without…sex on his mind. “You know, I um…” She cleared her throat a little. “I don’t…I mean I never like…I usually
never
talk about this kind of stuff with guys. Wanted you to know. Didn’t want you thinking I was--”

“I knew that.”

She pushed hair behind her ear, needing to somehow convey her feelings for him. She sipped her coffee. What she really wanted was to know if he liked her and how much. Enough to eat her. To finger her. He hadn’t even kissed her. Not on the mouth. Which was odd. “Do you like me Doc?”

She didn’t lift her eyes,
afraid to see the look on his face. The length of time it took for him to answer made her chest contract. How fucking complicating could it be?

“Yes.”

She looked at him and found his gaze unreadable and hard. “I mean…not just my body parts.”

More silence
, then, “You’re a remarkable woman.”

She sipped her coffee, nodding
, fighting not to let the pain take her, not to let the truth of how he felt or didn’t feel break her into pieces. She drew on her indignation, needing something to hold her together. “So, I guess we’re like what…bff?” She looked at him, held his gaze.

“Bff?”

“Best fuck friends?”

“I don’t think so,” he said casually. “Since we haven’t
actually fucked.”

So this was supposed to be funny?
She finally lowered her gaze to his groin and nodded. “I see your dick may be lamenting that fact.”

“My dick seems to lament anything sexually related to you.”

Only sexually. “Does it want to fuck me?”

“Yes.”

She only stared at him, waiting for him to explain why he hadn’t or wasn’t.

“But my dick doesn’t always know what’s best.”

Pain clamped her chest and she gasped around it. “Spoken like a true Pricktologist.” She would not cry in front of this freak. She would not be used.

She flew off the stool
and didn’t look back, hurrying out the front door, leaving everything behind, her shoes, purse, car, praying he’d try and stop her so she could cold cock the bastard again. Eyes stinging with unshed tears, she choked out the first sob as she made her way home.

He’d used her.
He’d fucking used her.

Chapter Eight

A week. That’s how long it’d been since they’d seen each other.
She’d expected at least a call from him. None. Not that day, not the next or next. A fucking
week.
How could he do this to her?

She debated doing so many things. Egg his house. Set another gynecologist appointment and force the issue in his office. Slice his tires.
Tie him up and choke him with
cookies!

The phone rang and Sofia reached and slid it off her bedside table.
She moaned. Dara. As much as she loved her, she was sick of seeing her name every time the phone rang instead of
his.

The bastard.

She pressed talk but didn’t talk.

“What’s going on dear. You’re not online, you’re not calling.”
Dara ’s voice was gentle and full of concern.

“Same shit. I have to do something, I can’t just sit here and mope.”

“I agree, but…what do you have in mind?”

Oh, she knew how close Sofia was to doing something really stupid and regrettable. She just wouldn’t be able to tell
Dara if she did decide to do anything like that. “I think I’ll go pop in for a little visit.”

“Oookay? Are you okay to do this? You’re not all psycho bitch right now, are you?”

“No, I’m fine.” A convincing lie. “I’ll call you after. I’m just going to find out if he’s okay. I’m worried about him.” True but not her motive and certainly not her plan. She was pretty sure she was headed over there to kick his motherfucking ass.

She drove to his house, trying to calm her
crazy ass down. She’d just play it by ear, this one. One minute at a time. One millisecond at a time.

She rang the doorbell
, not even sure he was home. When he opened it, she nearly forgot why she was there. But the lack of spark in his eyes, no inspecting the goods. No
wow, beautiful,
helped remind her
.

She
walked in uninvited, shoving the pain down, knowing she wouldn’t be lasting too long in this condition. She turned around and faced him. “What the fuck is going on Daniel?” Better to do it while she still had enough anger to keep her legs from buckling.

He shut the door and faced her, some turmoil bullshit on his face.
“I told you Sofia, I’m not good for you.”

She choked out a gasp. “I don’t see how that’s your decision to make,
doc.”
She shook her head. “Plus I don’t believe you. I think you’re just scared.”

He
closed his eyes and sighed as though she were just uncovering it all back up when he’d had it nice and buried.

“
Why Daniel? What is wrong with me that you can’t stand to be around me after we do shit?”

He stared at the floor
and she hated how sweet and damn near innocent he looked in his khakis and a white buttoned up shirt, tails out.

“I mean,
is it something I’m doing wrong, cause I can change it.” Broken and desperate colored her voice, making her cringe inside.

He stared at her,
his beautiful face turning hard. “How many ways do I have to tell you, I’m not. Good. For you.”

Her fury shot up and s
he gave an incredulous laugh. “I don’t know? Maybe as many ways as you pleasured me? You can’t just do this stuff with me and expect me to just not…” she swiped angrily at the tears rolling down her face. “You’re killing me Daniel,” she gasped.

“No, you.
” He pointed an accusing finger at her. “You’re the one killing things. With your need to please and shit. Why can’t you just be content with me pleasuring you?”

She stared at him,
perplexed. “What? You’re blaming me? Because I want to make you
feel good?”
Sofia couldn’t believe her ears. Oh God, she was going to punch him again, she could feel it.

She stormed pa
st him, only he caught her arm and spun her around so that she slammed into his body. He took two steps with her and her back hit the wall. Adrenalin made her wild and he pressed his body into hers with a growl before she could buck out of his hold. “Let me fucking go,” she warned, her voice quivering.

He stared into her eyes, his gaze brutal, making her heart race with a strange mixture of fear and lust. He felt so good pressed into her body and yet scary as hell. She gasped when he fisted her hair and pulled
so that her head tilted back. Sliding his mouth along her jaw, he stopped at her ear, his breath an unsteady blast of heat. She closed her eyes, resisting the urge to turn into those lips, so goddamn desperate to have them on her, however, wherever. “I’m
broken
, Sofia.” His words pierced her heart and mind. “The shit I have in my head won’t allow me to be the hero you need. That’s what happens, see, when your father brings home a different slut every weekend and forces you--to
fuck
them.” His voice cracked with pain. “I can’t
be
fucking normal because I’m
not-- normal.
Pleasure is what I do—giving it—not receiving Sofia, it’s how I deal with my shit, and you? You keep trying to shove it down my throat.” His grip tightened and his words gritted. “You’re playing with a monster. And I don’t. Want. To fucking. Hurt you.”

A sob wrenched from her throat. “You’re too
damn late,” she whispered.

He
snarled and punched the wall next to her head and she jumped, closing her eyes. The weight of his body disappeared and five seconds of terrifying silence later, the front door slammed. The sound shattered the strength that barely kept Sofia standing and she dropped to her knees, gasping for air.

D
istress levels peaked out at numb, Sofia gathered her shaking limbs and stormed out of his house. In her car, her phone buzzed and she nearly jumped out her skin. Deep breaths. Slow…deep breaths. She snatched it up and looked. Then groaned.
God Dara. Not fucking now.
The last thing she wanted was sensible and logical when her body and mind screamed chaos and destruction.

She stared at the
screen, debating yes or no, her hand trembling. She hit talk.

“I’ve got good news, I’ve been researching,
Googling shit, and man what can’t you find these days. So listen, you there?”

“Yeah, I’m here.”
She’d either managed to mask her psychotic vibe or Dara was desperate to tell her news.

“I found a sugar that is actually
healthy
to eat.”

The news was so far left field, it
yanked Sofia off of the
die motherfucker
train
.
“What?”

“It’s made of the same thing you find in
sweet potatoes or some shit. It is one hundred percent all natural and alllll healthy. And it tastes like sugar, tons of ratings and crap, everybody loves it. So, problem solved.”

Sofia gently pressed her eyeballs with her fingers.
Problem solved? If only his dislike for dessert was the only issue. She thought about his whacky distaste for desserts and sweets and it dawned on her. “Now I know why he doesn’t like sweets.”

“What? What are you talking about.”

“He hates sweets because it’s what killed his grandmother, I bet you.”

“Hihi, this could be true. Maybe if you show him about this sugar, he will learn that not everything has to be so bad? Not end the same way?”

The weight of it all rushed in like a crushing wave and Sofia burst out in sobs. “God, how did this happen, how did I fall in love with this man so fast? He just told me his father forced him to fuck women when he was only a boy, and the sexual things he does with women, only giving pleasure and not getting it, is how he deals with it, but I don’t know what he wants from me, I want to help him Dara, I need to help him.” She sobbed on the turmoil, realizing how deep the dude had wound his way into her heart.

D
ara made distressed cooing sounds, panicked with her sudden break down. Sofia continued to bawl. For all the years of loneliness, the longing to love and be loved and now
him.
Now she wanted to love him more than anything. Whatever it took, she needed to love him, to help him.

Sofia nodded. “
He just needs somebody to show him normal, he’s obviously never had that, I mean maybe if he saw normal, experienced it I mean, then he’d see there was something else besides all he’s ever known? Where do I get this shit, I have to try something Dara, anything.”

“
Oh honey. There’s a health food store five miles from you.”

“Nature’s Nanny?”
She wiped her nose on her sleeve.

“That’s the one. I called, it’s on the shelf
and it’s called…what the fuck, I just had it. Xylitol, not sure if that’s how you say it.” She proceeded to spell it and Sofia rummaged through her purse for a pen and settled for a lip liner, writing the name on her forearm when she couldn’t find anything else.

Sofia sighed
when she was done, trying to get a grip. After she hung up with Dara, she focused all the negative energy inside her into determination. She’d learned that trick from her Gammie. Now all she had to do was focus it all on the monster killing Daniel. No way was she just going to sit back and do nothing. God she loved him. Even if he didn’t want her, she couldn’t stand the thought of him suffering.

***
*

Why did it feel like she was baking for an exorcism?
Sofia second guessed everything now. Especially her bright idea of filling his kitchen with “normal”. It had made such brilliant sense in the moment. It was completely normal to bake in your kitchen, and since it was his kitchen lacking the normal, what better place to start? Not to mention, she was introducing him to an impossibility. A healthy sweet. After he was amazed and digging in, she’d gently approach the idea that maybe his other problems had similar solutions and that she’d help him find them.

But where the hell was he? It was 7:30 p.m. She’d made arrangements for a sitter for Gammie for the night but still. She was worried
about him.

She went to his bathroom, liking using it
just for the fact it was his. On her way out, she heard a chiming. She followed the sound to his walk in closet and finally to a jacket pocket. She pulled out a cell phone. One message.