Brightside (12 page)

I started walking towards the door, held up my middle finger because Krystal was too far away to know how much I hated her right then.

She yelled, “Why don’t you tell everybody what you think of them?”

Wendell was squeezed into the booth to my right, minding his own business, thinking he didn’t want to hear it. Stephanie slipped off her stool and hurried away, bumping my shoulder.

“Go ahead, tell them!” Krystal screamed.

I needed to head for the door. My mind no longer my own. Each face firing off judgments.

Tommy and his ridiculous Mohawk, a kid who needed his ass kicked. He slunk into his seat.

Krystal said, “See, Tommy. I’m not lying.”

Tommy felt everyone looking at him. He got up from the bar and looked right at me, forced himself to sound strong, even with his cracking voice. “You planning on doing it or hoping someone else will?”

“I don’t think…I mean that’s not really—”

“Or what about Erica?” Krystal said.

Erica, with those sad eyes, so tired because she couldn’t stop playing with herself at night, wishing she had more fingers.

Erica’s face turned red. Her hands slipped under the table, not wanting anyone to look at them. She wouldn’t look at me, just thought about me getting sent to The Cabin.

“You’re close enough, Wendell,” Krystal said. “Does Joe think you should either stop feeling sorry for yourself or cut out the donut holes?”

I thought no over and over and over again.

Everyone’s thoughts slamming into me, just like kindergarten. Everyone hating me, wishing I’d just die.

I saw the door, took off running. Got out before I hurt someone else. The rain pummeled me as I stepped onto the Square. I headed for Main Street, splashing across the sidewalk. My life was over, a sorry joke.

I looked back across the street sure I’d see everyone pointing, laughing their ass off, but I was alone. Here in this mountain town filled with people just like me, I was the goddamn freak.

A strong wind nearly knocked me over when I turned the corner and left the Square behind. Down the street and over the park, the clouds were beginning to break. The giant moon hung in front of me, casting a dull white light, a spotlight on the world’s biggest asshole.

The one who judged everyone: Krystal, Erica, Wendell, Rachel, Mom, Dad, and even poor Steven, my first real friend.

I kept walking, tried to stay away from the spotlight. I could see the cemetery, the place I’d never been because I knew I’d see it soon enough.

It was my own fault for drinking, for being in the bar in the first place. The sidewalk was one answer. I could bash my head into it until the voices stopped, my skull cracking on the concrete.

I slapped myself harder than I’d ever done before and started for my apartment. That’s what everyone wanted. Sight unseen so I couldn’t hurt anyone.

I entered the park and kept to the path. I heard Dad yelling at me to stop acting like a child. All I had to do was rationalize what I was feeling. It was my brain, I could think about what I wanted, feel whatever I told myself to. I would control my emotions, not the other way around.

When I crossed by the pond, I saw The Cabin on the hill. I thought of checking myself in, taking a seat, swallowing whatever they gave me. At least I’d be with Rachel.

Rachel...

It’d been two weeks since they’d taken her from my room. Just like Steven, I’d avoided her, but it was time I looked her in the eyes, to apologize.

The Cabin never closed. I went inside, found Rachel just sitting in the front room. Her mouth so dry, there wasn’t any drool. I asked if I could give her some water. The nurse handed me a cup and I tried to pour it in, but it just spilled out of her lips.

Drink.

Rachel’s eyes gained a little focus, then closed. Her throat began to swallow.

I’m so sorry,
I thought.

Rachel’s eyes turned towards me, but there was nothing inside her head. So quiet it made me want to scream. She turned towards the window, the big moon hidden behind the clouds.

“I understand if you hate me. You actually have some company.” I forced a laugh, hoping she’d join in, that it’d be like old times, but she just kept staring out the window. Silent, broken.

The nurse came over and said, “It’s time for her bath.”

“Right…”

The orderly lifted Rachel to her feet and she took the tiniest steps down the hall. The nurse said I could wait, spend more time with her after the bath, but I’d seen enough, which is what they wanted. That’s why they allowed visitors. They wanted everyone in Brightside to know what would happen if we broke the rules.

Back at my apartment I found another package. My father had sent me a picture of us fishing. He’d put it in this strange homemade frame cobbled together with pieces of metal. I put it in the closet with the rest of his gifts. There was hardly any room with all the boxes. I thought about taking most of it down to the garbage.

The fishing pole clanged to the floor. I picked it up. The rod was jet black, heavier than I’d ever felt before, like it was meant to catch some huge monster of the sea.

I started to place it back in the closet, but remembered my father’s words after Steven died.

“When someone dies, you have to remember there’s still so many people that need your love.”

I remembered I did have one friend in Brightside. Even if everyone else hated me, wanted to see me thrown off the edge, I still had Danny.

On Day 61, the sun was out and it was kind of warm, so I asked Danny if he’d like to go fishing. He started jumping up and down, clapping his hand against the fist that held the faded blue pencil. I took that as a yes. We cut a small hole in the ice. The pond didn’t have any fish, but I kept it to myself. We just sat quietly on the bank, Danny’s mind as calm as Michelle’s on the pills and whiskey. I guess that’s the other reason why I liked hanging out with Danny. The silence.

But two days later Danny became the loudest thing in Brightside. He ran up to me on the street, nearly knocked me over.

“I need a drawing!”

I hated to spoil his fun, but he couldn’t hold still. “Okay, Danny. Just calm down.”

“No, I need it now!”

“I have to go to work.”

“Please, you gotta!”

“What’s going on?”

“My sister… She’s coming!”

The next day, Rachel’s desk was no longer empty. Danny’s sister, Sara, sat there, everything neat and organized. Nothing personal to distinguish her workspace from anyone else’s, except for one of my drawings Danny had wanted her to have.

Rachel had been the opposite, papers scattered, pens everywhere, pictures of her father, mother, dog, and cat spread along the edge, a proud collage of her past.

It was stupid to date Rachel. First time I saw where I was going to be sitting, I should’ve told Carlos I needed a new desk. I should’ve said I needed somewhere I could be by myself. Somewhere I couldn’t hurt anyone.

My whole life’s been one big should’ve. Should’ve known better. Should’ve listened. Should’ve paid attention. Should’ve stopped worrying about everyone. Should’ve realized I’m only as dumb as I let myself be.

Sara dialed another number, some lady in Kentucky about an island getaway. She followed the script, but made it her own, telling each person how she’d always dreamed of living by the ocean. It sounded believable, but her thoughts told me she didn’t want to be anywhere but Brightside.

It was creepy. I mean, there were some who believed Brightside wasn’t so bad. People like Sharon and her puppet, Vanessa, women so positive it made you sick. But Sara was the first I’d heard of that really wanted to be here.

She’d turned herself in on purpose, demanded to be reunited with Danny. They kept her in a cell for a month. No one turned themself in. She must have had a plan, a scheme. They interrogated her, deprived her of sleep, but Sara never cracked, just kept whispering her brother’s name.

The picture I’d drawn for Danny, the one with the boy escaping through the brick wall, sat on her desk. For me, the picture was about escaping Brightside. For Sara, it was about breaking in.

Sara was twenty when their parents had died, Danny away at a special needs school. She took him in, cared for him, made sure he wore clean shirts, combed his hair, fell asleep in bed, not in the chair watching cartoons.

All morning, Sara and I hadn’t shared a single word. She was already working the phones when I’d come in. She wanted to make a good first impression. After what she’d been through to get here, I didn’t blame her.

Finally, on our break, Sara caught me staring at the drawing. She tucked a long strand of brown hair behind her ear. Her nose had this cute little bump, like she’d broken it as a kid. She pointed at the drawing and said, “It’s really good.”

“Oh, I just…”

“I’m Sara.”

“Yeah, Danny told me you were coming. Showed me a picture. I’ve never seen him so excited.”

“Yeah… Look, I wanted to thank you. You know, for taking care of him.”

“It’s not a big deal. I didn’t do anything.”

Yes, you did.

I suddenly felt uncomfortable. People’s thoughts about me were rarely this nice.

Sara said, “Danny wants to go to the diner tonight. He’d like you to come if you’re not busy.”

“Sure.”

Sara and I each had sandwiches. Danny ordered pancakes with a whipped cream smile. He got some on his face and Sara wiped it off while Danny talked about us fishing.

“You need to get those worms out of our apartment,” Sara said. “It’s gross.”

Danny’s special hat shook back and forth. “But we need them.”

My thoughts slipped out, how there weren’t any fish in the pond.

Danny dropped his fork.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

He picked up the fork and started thumbing it “You lied?”

“Danny, cut it out,” Sara said. “He was being nice.”

He lowered his head so all I could see was DANNY in bright red letters. He was pissed when he said, “But you lied!”

“I know, but I still like going with you.” I thought about my apartment, about Dad’s first gift.

Danny raised his head, his eyes big and shiny.

After we paid the tab, we went back to my place and I dug around in the closet. Danny was hopping around and Sara told him to stop it, that he was shaking the floor.

He’d probably already heard my thoughts, but I still said, “Alright, close your eyes.”

Danny squeezed his lids so tight I thought he might squish his eyeballs. I put Billy Bass into his open palms. Danny smiled. I pushed the button and it still had a little juice. Billy turned his head and sang. Danny’s laughter filled the room until the batteries died.

“Hold on, there are extras.” I pulled out the D-Cells from the closet. Only they didn’t fit. It was strange.

Danny said, “It’s okay.” He opened his backpack, pulled out two C batteries. They popped right in and Billy came back to life.

I couldn’t believe my father had given me the wrong size. It said C right on the box. I set the unusable batteries on the counter. They felt strange, a little light.

Sara was annoyed she was going to have to hear this damn song every night. “Okay, I think that’s enough, Danny.”

Danny started hopping again, but this time it wasn’t out of joy.

Sara told him to put down the fish and hurry to the bathroom.

Danny had to hit the button one last time before handing it to Sara and scurrying out of the room.

Sara was looking at Billy Bass.

I said, “Sorry.”

She said it was okay and cracked a smile. “He loves it.”

We stood there awkwardly, neither of us really knowing what to say. She was tired, thinking of her bed. I saw how beautiful she looked, even that little bump in her nose. She turned, embarrassed. I was picturing her lips on mine, and she didn’t feel the same way. I was destroying her opinion of me, and for the first time realized how hard it was for women in Brightside, having to hear all the nasty thoughts men carried.

Danny came bounding back in, breaking the tension.

“I think you should get a dog, Joe!”

I tried saying I wasn’t a pet person. Lily’s breath on my feet, the puff on my arm. Fucking cowards.

Sara felt awful for hearing my thoughts. “We should probably go. It’s getting late.”

“Yeah…I’ll see you both tomorrow,” I said.

Danny collected his things, and they walked out, leaving me alone with my thoughts of my dog and those fuckers firing into her whimpering body.

* * *

I was ten years old in Mom’s new car holding my yellow Lab. Sunny wasn’t a puppy anymore, but just barely. I’d had her for six months and she wouldn’t leave my side. For the last week, I hadn’t left hers.