Breathing For The First Time (12 page)

But I’m not okay with it.

No, it’s not fair to his child to grow up without both of his or her parents, but is it fair to have this child grow up in a house where his parents aren’t in love?

Or maybe they are.

Could he still love her?

He looks so upset. He looks like he’s as heartbroken as I am. And he cried. He can’t be happy about this if he’s crying, right?

But I can’t ask him to give up his child to be with me. It’s not fair.

Shit, none of this is fair. It’s not fair to me. It’s not fair to us. It’s not fair to his child.

But I have to let him do the right thing. No matter how much it hurts.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

Tyler

“Hi, Dad,” I say into the phone. My dad is the only one I know who can help me.

“Hey, Ty,” his voice booms over the distance. “How goes it?”

“Not great, Dad. I need some advice.”

“Okay, shoot.”

I’ve never been one of those people who feels like I need my parents. I mean, I love them, but I think of myself as being fairly independent. But right now, I know I need my dad’s advice.

My dad is a big guy, a former offensive lineman for LSU. But growing up with three sisters, Dad has always been a sensitive person. Also, with Mom’s depression, there were plenty of times when Dad was the only one there for us.

He coaches football for eight to ten year olds back home, but works as a construction foreman. He is one of the smartest people I know, always planning ahead. Even though the housing market in Texas has declined, like everywhere else, Dad put away money just in case something like that happened. Now he’s able to take on jobs as they come up instead of bouncing around to find whatever is available.

I admire him. He has such an ease about him. Of course, this is why I called him.

I fill my dad in on the situation. He has met Rachel a few times. In the years we dated she came to the house to visit over breaks from school. She lives 100 miles from my parents so getting together over school breaks was always easy.

I’ve also told him about Brooke. He knew I broke up with Rachel because of Brooke. He was the first one I called when Brooke said she’d go out with me. He knows we’ve been together, and that I’ve been happier than ever with her.

But now that Rachel is pregnant, everything changes. I know Dad will help me figure out what to do.

“Shit, boy, you must have been pretty drunk. Why would you do that?”

I sigh, knowing he’s right. “I was upset, Dad. I really thought Brooke was done with me. I thought it was over and I couldn’t take it. I never thought... you know.”

“That Rachel would take advantage of you? Or sleep with you when she knew you were pining over someone else? Maybe even take things into her own hands, and try to remind you how great you were together? What, son? She was trying to salvage the relationship she used to have with you.”

My thoughts drift back to the cruise and Rachel walking around the room in little or no clothes, hanging on me every day, and all the ‘jokes’ she made about us. Maybe this wasn’t an accident.

I shake my head, “Do you really think she did it on purpose? I mean, shit, I told her I’d been hoping it would happen, but I thought it was Brooke. Do you think she started something to try to get me into bed?”

My dad lets out a long breath and pauses, searching for the right words. “I don’t know, Ty. Rachel always seemed like a nice girl, but a broken heart can make you do stupid things. It made you get fall-down drunk. Maybe it made her take advantage of you. But does it matter?”

“Does it matter? You’re damn right it matters. If she tricked me then-”

“You still got her pregnant,” Dad cuts me off. “You’re still responsible for that child, whether you knew what you were doing or not.”

I sit back, the breath knocked out of me. He’s right, and I know it, but it’s not fair. How could I have been so stupid? Why didn’t I push harder on the cruise to show her we’re over?

“I know Dad. You’re right. I just don’t see a future with Rachel. I want a future with Brooke. I wish she were the one carrying my child right now.”

“That’s a pretty bold statement, buddy.”

I drop back to my bed, guilt washing over me for feeling the way I do. I can’t stop wondering if Dad is right about Rachel. She was throwing herself at me pretty hard through most of the cruise. Could she have done this on purpose? Maybe not getting pregnant, but sleeping with me knowing I thought she was Brooke?

“I know Dad, but it’s the truth. I know Brooke and I haven’t been together for long, but if there’s someone I want to be facing this with, it’s her.”

“So, how does she feel about all of this?” Dad’s tone changes. He softens when speaking about the woman I love, a woman he’s never met. I know Dad trusts me. He doesn’t have to know Brooke to know how wonderful she is.

“She keeps telling me that it’s up to me. I don’t think she wants to force me into a decision. Like it isn’t her place or something.”

“Well, if you plan to build a life with this woman, it’s definitely her place. That kid could be her step-kid one day. But if she’s pushing you to make a decision alone, maybe she doesn’t feel that way. Do you know she wants to be with you? Has she told you that?”

Fear about Brooke’s true feelings mix with those about Rachel trying to trap me. I don’t think I know anything anymore. But I still have a harder time questioning Brooke than I do Rachel. I push Dad’s doubts from my head, telling myself that what I feel is not one-sided. I know Brooke feels the same, but no, she hasn’t said it. Then again I haven’t either.

My silence answers Dad’s question and he tells me I need to figure a few things out. Starting with where things stand with Brooke.

I hang up with Dad, feeling worse than I did before our talk. I need to talk to Brooke, but all our conversations end the same way these days. She asks what I’m going to do and I tell her I don’t know.

I wish I could tell her how I really feel. How will she look at me if I tell her I wish this baby didn’t exist? I can’t even look myself in the mirror without feeling the shame of that admission.

How can I feel that way about my own child?

Maybe I should just go back to Rachel. She’s familiar and I could probably learn to love her again. Being in Texas, or Louisiana, means I’ll never see Brooke again. I couldn’t handle seeing her again if we aren’t together. Watching her with someone else would make me crazy. Just imagining it is making me feel sick.

But the truth is, I want Brooke, not Rachel. And it’s not fair to Rachel, or to me, or Brooke, to be with Rachel when I’m not really in it. Being with someone for the sake of the kids doesn’t do anyone any good. It’s better to figure out a life apart, to decide how to raise a child when we’re not together from the beginning. It won’t be easy, but it’s what’s best for the baby.

Now I just need to figure out what exactly I’m going to do. And how.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

Brooke

This is the last thing I need to be worried about. I should be focusing on finals, we both should be, but instead Tyler is coming over tonight so we can talk about the situation with Rachel. He can’t figure out what to do and he wants me to help him.

But how do I sit here and tell him I want him to stay with me? He needs to take care of his child. Even if we end up together, it’s not right for him to abandon his kid. If I put myself in Rachel’s shoes, I would want the father of my child around. He should be near Rachel and the baby so he can be a part of their life, whether he and Rachel are together or not.

I was blessed with my family growing up. My parents loved each other, and they still do. My mom got pregnant with me before they were married, but they chose to stay together. I know that isn’t always the right answer, but Tyler still has a responsibility to his child.

And if he doesn’t want to be a part of the baby’s life, what does that say about the person he is?

It’s all just confusing for me.

I pick up my phone, knowing I need to get my head straight before he gets here. I call the one person I know will tell me the truth, and can give me some perspective.

“Mom?”

“Hi Brookey, how are you sweetie?” She sounds so happy, and I hate to ruin that.

“Mom, I need your help,” I say, trying to keep the panic from my voice.

She hears it anyway, “Brooke, sweetie, what’s wrong?”

I lose it when I hear the concern in her voice. I feel like I’m disappointing her, and I didn’t do anything wrong. “Mom, I need some advice.”

“Brooke, you’re scaring me. Are you okay?” she asks. Her voice is calm and steady, her vet’s voice. It’s the one she uses when talking to sick animals, and their owners, before delivering bad news.

“I’m okay, Mom. I promise. I’m sad. And I need your help.”

I hear the chair scrape the floor of her office. She’s not seeing patients today, but she goes in on Sunday afternoons to catch up on paperwork and review the previous week. Mom always has two or three interns and she likes to make sure they see different things. I know she’s setting up their schedule for next week, finding the right cases for each of them to follow.

“What’s going on, Brooke? Is everything okay with school? And Tyler?”

“No, everything is not okay. Not with me and Tyler at least.” I fill Mom in on the latest with Rachel’s pregnancy and Tyler’s decisions.

“Wow, baby girl, it sounds like you’ve gotten yourself in the middle of a mess,” Mom says. Her tone is even, but I can hear a hint of something else, disappointment, or maybe concern. “I’m guessing if you’re calling me it means you’re wrapped up in all this. Is Tyler pressuring you into something?”

Sex, she’s always worried about sex. I should have known the conversation would go there. “No, Mom, Tyler is not pressuring me. It’s nothing like that. Tyler is amazing. I think he’s too amazing.”

Mom laughs, obviously not believing me, “No man is too amazing. So, if Mr. Amazing is that great, why did he get some other girl pregnant and how does this effect you?”

“He was drunk and thought she was me,” I say, wincing at the admission.

“He must have been pretty drunk if he thought someone else was you. Unless she’s your doppelganger.”

“Hardly,” I mutter, a little envious of Rachel’s brilliant red hair and endlessly long legs.

“Okay, so he was just really drunk. And you two are together and he’s trying to figure out what to do about the baby. Does that about cover it?” Mom asks, sounding frustrated at the mess.

“Yeah, that covers it,” I say, unable to hide the annoyance in my voice. I feel like she’s already beating me up about the whole thing. I didn’t call her looking for her to question Tyler’s character. I need a different perspective, someone who could help me figure out how to handle this.

I stop myself from getting mad at Mom and try to see it from her perspective. She’s worried about me. She’s never met Tyler. He’s the first guy I’ve really talked to her about, and it’s been good, but she’s cautious. Mom knows I’m not going to be with someone who isn’t good for me, but she also knows that I’ve changed since we’ve been together. It’s impossible not to change when you’re with someone, but she’s not used to it.

Mom’s voice softens, “Tell me about Tyler. Is he a good person? If you care about him I’m guessing he’s a good guy.”

“He’s wonderful, Mom. He’s kind and caring. He helps me without hesitation. I think his biggest flaw is he always put everyone else first. He does what’s right, even when it makes him miserable.”

“Ah, so now we’re getting to the point of this call. You think he’s going to go back to the mother and you want me to tell you that it’s okay if you ask him to stay with you. You don’t want to let him go.” She pauses, then takes a deep breath, “Are you in love with him?”

I take a deep breath also and tell Mom the truth, “Yes, Mom, I am. He makes me feel like everything is going to be okay. When we’re together I’m so happy. I can see a future with him, a love like you and Dad have. He makes me laugh and holds me when I cry. We get along really well. I feel like the person I’ve always wanted to be, always thought I was, when I’m with him.”

“Have you ever had a fight? I mean, aside from whatever is going on now with this pregnancy,” Mom says. The question in her voice tells me she’s looking for something more.

“No, Mom, we don’t fight. Everything is right and we don’t have anything to fight about.” I feel defensive, already preparing myself for the lecture.

“It’s hard to know you really love someone until you’ve gotten through a few fights. I know that’s hard to hear, sweetie, but I really believe it’s true. Until you come out on the other side of an argument, you won’t know if either of you will fight dirty, or if you’ll be able to compromise. It might be perfect now, but eventually there will be arguments you need to work out. You need to learn how to deal with differences together.”

“How is that possible? I mean if we love each other, why is not fighting a bad thing?”

Mom exhales loudly. She’s frustrated with me, challenging her after I called for her advice, “Let’s think about your current situation, okay? You two are perfect for each other so imagine one day you get married. You stay in South Carolina. In a few years you end up having your own kids. Maybe you have an arrangement with the mom that the kid alternates holidays with Tyler and you.”

I’m trying to figure out where all this is going, but I know it’s not going to end well.

“So one year you decide to take your kids on a cruise or to Disney World or something. Tyler calls and tells the plan to the mom who flat out refuses. Says the kid can’t go. She wants to be there for the trip, so either she comes too, or the kid doesn’t go on the trip.”

I force the breath from my lungs, and know this situation is real. Maybe not today, but one day it could be.

“Tyler is set on taking the kid. He already promised him or her that the whole family would go. So, what do you do?”

My heart sinks. I drop my head to my chest and press my palms into my eyes. “Okay, Mom, I get it. We have to figure out how we will work things out. Fighting could help us work through some issues. But you know that there is a line too. Fighting too much will pull us apart.”