Breathe (18 page)

“You had a lot to deal with.  Before that, you had better grades than me.  Don’t sell yourself short.  You’ve got the rare combination of brains and beauty,” he blatantly complimented.

I actually blushed.

“Good luck on the job search.”

“Thanks, I’ll need it.  See you around neighbor.”

Colleen encouraged me to go to college and now Logan.  Maybe I would surprise myself and do it.  I still had to take my GED test, but I was pretty confident I could pass it.  I’d been using Colleen’s computer to study before and after my shifts.  I still had a couple more online tutorials I wanted to complete first.  For the first time in a long time, it felt like things were going to be okay.  I had a direction to go in my life. I had a few friends and a home where I was free from constant tension and fear.  Things were looking up.

Chapter Twenty-Four

LOGAN

It was torture being so close to Beth without making up some lame excuse to knock on her door.  I promised her space, and I was going to deliver.  I’d seen her walking to and from work almost every day.  I’d even passed her on my way into town a couple of times.  It went against my grain to pass her without offering her a ride, but I’d done it.  It didn’t stop me from watching for her every night after the diner closed at nine.  She usually didn’t get home until after ten.  I wasn’t able to relax until I knew she was safe.

I made it a whole week before I caved and went to the diner.  I put the bill for the stupid phone in her name.  I neglected to mention that I just added a line to my existing account, which made her monthly bill significantly lower than if she had her own plan.  If I told her, she’d be stubborn enough to give me the phone back.

I was a little hesitant about renting a unit from her complex, because I didn’t want to freak her out.  In the end, my need to be close enough to watch over her won out.  It wasn’t ideal, but at least I could be physically close enough if Jack decided to test me again.  I doubted he would try after my fierce performance the last time, however, I wasn’t taking any chances with her safety. 

While I was happy that I was able to dream walk to her while conscious when she needed me, it wasn’t safe.  I tried, in vain, to dream walk while awake several times.  If I could consciously control it and could hold off for just a minute when I felt her call, I would be able to get to a safe place before I left my body.  I vaguely remembered that my mother was able to do it, but she was gone before she could teach me.  At seven years old, I was still trying to distinguish between an actual out of body experience and my dreams.  My mother took me on a few dream walks with her in the months before her death, but at the time she was more focused on my safety, than developing my skills.

“Where are we Mama?”

“We are in a place called England.  Remember, we looked at pictures of the garden before you fell asleep?”

I looked up at her in awe.  My mama was a super hero.  She could show me a picture of anywhere in the world and take us there as soon as I fell asleep -- no airplane or luggage required.  I knew that my life was different than most kids my age.  I knew that I could never tell them or the bad men would come and take me away from my precious mama.

Before I met Beth, I was sure my mother was the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen.  Her expressive eyes were so dark, they were almost black.  Her hair was the same dark brown as mine and it waved gently down to her shoulders.  She usually had a gentle smile on her face for me.  Her loving arms were always open and her lap always available when I needed to be rocked or read to.  She rarely raised her voice to me.  She was a very patient and loving mother.

It was before dawn and we were in a magical garden lit by the moonlight.  We were standing by a placid lake surrounded with massive trees of every kind, marble statues, and beautiful little buildings built to resemble ancient Greek temple ruins.  A rustic stone bridge crossed the lake at its narrowest point.  I made a beeline for it, running and laughing gleefully.  My mom followed behind at a more sedate pace.  Once she reached me, I knew I had done something wrong.  She knelt down beside me so she could look me in the eye.  Her solemn expression told me something important was going to follow.

“Logan.  Did you stop to think that someone else might have heard you out here in the garden?”

I hung my head dejectedly.  Tears stung my eyes.  I didn’t want to disappoint my mama.

“No ma’am.  I’m sorry.”

“I know you are.  I’m not telling you these rules to make you unhappy or spoil your fun, baby.  It’s because it is very, very, important to stay quiet when you dream walk.  We’ve been given an exciting, amazing gift, son.   Other people wish they had it too.  The bad men want to use our gifts to find out others’ secrets.  They want to control us.  To do that, they will keep us prisoners.”

“Like in Jail?”

“Yes, only we didn’t do anything wrong except have something that other people want.”

I didn’t completely understand everything she was explaining, but I knew my mother was frightened.  I never mentioned my dreams to her since the night I’d heard her crying to daddy.  It had been months before she finally came to me during one of my walks.  They’d decided the best way to keep me safe was not to sweep it under the rug, but to give me the tools I needed to stay safe.

“How will they know where to find me?  Even if they can hear me during a walk, no one can see me.”

“They know about mommy. When I was a little girl, I lived with the bad men until your daddy took me away.”

I gasped in horror.  My sweet mommy in the clutches of the bad men terrified me.  She gave my shoulder a squeeze before she went on.

“I got away, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t still looking for me or others like us that have the ability to dream walk.  When they hear stories about people hearing voices or seeing shadows, they don’t think about ghosts like most people do; they investigate possible dream walkers.”

The confusion must have shown on my face because she stopped and smiled at me.

“I know it’s hard to understand, sweetie.  There are ways they can trace us if they go to a place we’ve recently walked or are currently walking in.  That is the danger.  They can never catch you in astral form.  You are already in danger in physical form because you are my son.  If they find me, they might discover your gifts as well.”

“Why can’t we just go to the army men and tell them?  They could beat up the bad guys!”

She stood up and smiled at me through her tears.

“We can’t tell anyone, ever.  Logan, you must promise mommy that you will be silent during your walks.  You never know who might be listening.”

I still thought my army man proposal was a great idea.  I’d run it by daddy later.  For now, I decided it was best to agree with her.  It scared me when she was sad.  If promising to be quiet on my dream walks would make her happy again, then I would do it.

“I promise.” 

I put my finger over my mouth and didn’t utter another word.  We walked together along the walking path around the lake.  It wouldn’t have surprised me if fairies came out of the ancient looking temples and started dancing over the water.

It was one of my last memories of my mother.  I remembered every detail of the last dream walk with her very clearly.  I cherished it and relived it often.  Memories were all I had left of her.  I cried every night for her in the first months after her disappearance.  Then, it was once a week, and later, once a month.   Now, it was only twice a year: on the anniversary of her disappearance, and her birthday. 

My dad tried to fill both of their roles as I was growing up.  He was too swamped by his own grief to be very effective.  I knew he tried, and I appreciated the effort.  As I grew older, I reminded him too much of my mom, and he avoided me.  He had taught me to be watchful and to keep my safety in mind at all times.  He developed state of the art security systems to warn us of intruders.  He had already arranged for an elaborate security system to be installed in my apartment.  It was over the top, but I did sleep better at night knowing it was there.

Dad kept in touch weekly via text.  He didn’t give me too much grief when I told him I was staying and attending U of H.  He knew it was pointless to argue.  He offered to pay my tuition and living expenses.  I accepted the tuition money, but the rest of my expenses I wanted to pay on my own.  I know letting dad pay for college meant I wasn’t totally independent, but it was a start.  He was still extremely concerned about me staying with Bethany.  I hoped no matter what happened that he understood that I had made the only choice I could have.

Another important decision I made was to go back to church.  My sole focus in Australia was wallowing in my misery.  I’d never searched for a church to attend.  As a result, I just felt more lost.  When Beth suggested I find a way to live with the pain, it humbled me enough to pray and ask for God’s help.  I knew I couldn’t do this on my own.  I’d already tried and failed.  While I still loved her with every fiber of my being, I found with God’s help I could “put one foot in front of the other”.  Church had also always helped me feel closer to my mother. When I was young, she took me to church every Sunday and Wednesday like clockwork.  But she didn’t just take me, she taught me about God.  The faith I’d developed as a result was completely my own.

My next priorities were reapplying to school and looking for a job.  I still hadn’t had a call back for an interview, but I wasn’t giving up.  I wasn’t giving up on Beth either.  I didn’t care how long it took.  I was determined to earn her trust back.  If that only meant as a friend, I would learn to accept it.  God had a plan for my life and it would work out the way it was supposed to.  That mindset gave me some measure of peace.

I was encouraged that she at least acknowledged my existence the first time I went into the diner.  I’d been brave enough to go a couple times more in the last two weeks.  The last time I even sat in her section. 

“How’s the job search going?” she asked as she poured my coffee.

I scowled into my coffee cup.

“It’s not.  I’ve filled out so many online applications, I think I’m developing carpal tunnel syndrome.”

She looked at me questioningly.

“Never mind.  It just means my hands are going to fall off soon.”

“Have you checked in the paper?  You might find something local.  I know you were looking for something closer to school, but it’s better than nothing.”

“There’s a local paper?”

I’d just assumed Fort Grange was too small to support a newspaper.  Besides, who reads paper copies of newspapers anymore anyway? 

“Things move a little slower out here.  They sell it at the drug store and the gas station, right by the register.  I’m surprised you’ve never noticed it.  You lived here for two years.  It’s the Fort Grange Gazette.”

“Thanks.  I’ll check it out.”

There were actually two jobs listed in the gazette that I was qualified for, a stocker at the feed store, and a cashier at Dairy Queen.  I went by in person and filled out both applications.  I still hadn’t heard anything back, but it had only been a week, so I was still hopeful.

Chapter Twenty-Five

BETHANY

A large group of teens came in on a cold December night.  I was mortified when I recognized them as a particularly snotty crowd that had been in my grade.  They’d pretty much ignored me throughout high school until my pregnancy was fairly obvious.  Then, they enjoyed snickering and making snide comments at my expense.  They were little more than annoying gnats to me at the time.  I had bigger things to worry about than spoiled, catty, little brats.  I didn’t care, and that just drove them to be more spiteful. 

Lucky, lucky, me, they chose to sit in my section.  I could hear ocean waves in my ears, but I squelched it.  I could handle this, I wasn’t going to float away.  I walked over, determined to be as professional as possible.  I pasted a smile on my face and greeted them like I would any other customer as I passed out their menus.

“What can I get you to drink while you look over the menu?”

I couldn’t bring myself to look at them so I grabbed my order pad and pencil even though I could remember their drink orders in my head.  I keep my eyes averted as I waited. 

“Bethany?  You look a lot skinnier than the last time I saw you,” Madison snidely taunted. 

Her fan section thought her observation was wildly entertaining judging by the cackles coming from the peanut gallery.  I was sure smoke was coming out my ears, but I refused to rise to her bait.

“What can I get you to drink?”

“Did you even know who the father was?”

She broadcast it so loudly, I’m sure people in the next county heard her.  I was humiliated.   She had picked at the wrong sore.  Losing my baby was still very fresh.  It felt like she was attacking my son instead of me.  I had no problem defending HIM.  Last year, I would have walked away and hid in the nearest hole.  Instead my blood was starting to boil.  She didn’t intimidate me anymore.  I looked her up and down.  She felt superior to me with her daddy’s money, pedicures, and spray on tan.

“You know Madison, there is a very fine line between looking tan and looking like you rolled in a bag of Doritos.”

She stared at me incredulously.  I doubt anyone had ever stood up to her before.  To do so meant social suicide to any female at Fort Grange High. 

“Shut up Bethany!  I just asked you a simple question.  If you don’t know then that’s all you had to say,” she hissed.

“I didn’t answer you because your question was rude and none of your business.  I thought you’d be smart enough to figure that out,” I shrugged my shoulders carelessly.  “If jellyfish can live without brains, I guess you can too.”

I heard a few muffled snickers from the tables behind me.  They were obviously trying to pretend that they hadn’t overhead every word we’d exchanged.  The story would be all over town before the sermon was preached Sunday morning.  I was beyond upset, but I wasn’t going to let Madison know she’d hit her target.  Madison was still sputtering to her cronies, who were trying to console her.  I fought to give Madison my sunniest smile to hide my pain.

“You know what Madison?  I’m gonna let Amy take care of your table.  You’ve amused me long enough.” 

I marched into the kitchen without a backwards glance and begged Amy to take their table.  Amy, bless her, agreed to take it with no questions asked.  I went to the bathroom and gave myself five minutes to get it together.  I pasted on a brittle smile and was able to get through the last few hours of my shift.  I saw Madison and her group talking to Colleen out of the corner of my eye.  I wasn’t really worried about what they were saying to her.  It felt good to know Colleen always had my back, but she wasn’t the only one.

Even though I never felt Logan dream walk to me again, I still thought of him as phantom Logan.  He was always there, but he wasn’t.  I knew he watched for me to come home every night.  I’d usually spend an hour or so looking over the material for the GED test before I left the diner after closing.  Colleen got tired of waiting around for me every night, so she actually gave me a key to lock up.  She’d never given one to any of the other employees.  I was honored that she trusted me enough to give me one.  I would notice Logan’s lights on as I walked down the street.  His blinds would be open until he spotted me coming.  Mysteriously, by the time I passed his door, his blinds would be closed. 

One night, when I stayed late working on a tough math tutorial, I noticed his car go around the square a couple of times while I was locking up.  He passed me on the way back to town without even offering me a ride.  I probably wouldn’t have accepted it, but still…  I only saw him when he came into the diner about once a week. 

I found myself looking forward to seeing him.  I wondered why he never texted me.  He obviously knew my number, but he’d never contacted me that way.  It would save him a lot of effort if he would just text me when I was running late instead of trying to be so sneaky about it.  If he had just asked, I would have texted him when I got home.

When I asked Logan for space, I didn’t mean he had to skulk behind blinds to keep me from seeing him.  Even when he came into the diner, he’d nod towards me when he saw me.  Silently asking permission if I was okay with him eating a meal in a public place.  He was still taking care of me, as much as I would let him.  Unlike the past, he didn’t just run over my wishes when I wanted to handle things my way.  I requested space and he gave it to me.  He hadn’t gone back on his word…yet.  I knew I still had very strong feelings for Logan.  The proof was when my soul cried out for him when I was in serious danger.  My heart couldn’t lie.

When Logan walked out on me, I fell apart.  He didn’t choose to break off all contact, I had.  He didn’t force me to act like an out of control druggie.  After he left, he texted and called for two days straight until I threw the phone he gave me into the lake.  He begged me to reply.  He begged for forgiveness.  He said he would be back when he could and he was.  My feet found their way outside his door.  I smiled when the door opened before I could even knock.

“You were watching again,” I teasingly accused.

He looked at me sheepishly and didn’t bother denying it.  He knew he was caught.

“I’m not spying, I swear.  I just want to make sure you make it home safely.  Walking home by yourself late at night can be dicey, even in Fort Grange.”

I doubted it, but I wasn’t going to argue.

“You haven’t texted me your new number.  If you were worried, I would have sent you a text letting you know when I got home,” I offered.

He ran his fingers though his hair nervously.

“Of course I was worried Beth.  Why else would I sit by my window every night waiting for you to come home?”

“Can I come in?”

“Of course,” he swept the door open and stepped back to give me enough room to enter.

In his surprise at finding me on his doorstep, his normally immaculate manners slipped.  He recovered quickly.

“Can I get you something to eat or drink?”

I sat down on the couch as he started to walk toward the kitchen.

“No, I’m fine. I usually eat at the diner.”

He walked around the back of the couch and sat down, careful to leave a cushion between us.  He was nervously running his hands on the thighs of his blue jeans.  It was unusual to see Logan unsure of himself, especially where I was concerned.

“You’re home early.  Was the diner slow tonight?”

“No, I usually get off at nine when it closes.  I just stay late to use the computer in Colleen’s office.  I’m still studying for my GED exam.”

His eyes lit up.

“That’s great Beth.  Good for you.”

“Don’t praise me too soon.  I haven’t passed yet.  I’m taking the test next Tuesday in Houston.”

“Oh, so do you need a ride?”

He thought I’d finally gotten to the reason for my impromptu visit.

“No.  Thanks, but Amy’s going to take me.”

“Ah yes, Amy.  She’s not my biggest fan,” he admitted.

“Why not?”

“I walked into the diner a couple of days after you were in the hospital.  She wasted no time telling me off.  She was furious that I’d left you such a mess and warned me to stay away from you.  I’m happy to see you’ve got such staunch defenders.”

His allusion to my delivery made me wince.  It was still hard to hear it mentioned out loud.  I was astonished that Amy told Logan off.    We had slowly become friends over the last year.  Besides Colleen, I guess she was the first real friend I’d made.  Alex and Wyatt didn’t count.   I kind of borrowed them from Logan.

“What did she say exactly?”  I was curious.

“She said you were a mess when I left.  That you showed up to school drunk or high and you flunked the first semester of junior year because of me.”

I could tell he was holding something back.  I wanted to get all our cards on the table.

“What else did she say that you aren’t telling me?”

He bravely met my challenging stare as he answered.

“She said you slept around.”  He paused.  “A lot.”

Obviously he knew I wasn’t a virgin anymore.  Now he knew I was a slut too. 

“Yeah, rumor has it I slept with half the guys in the junior class,” I blurted.

I ruthlessly swiped the tears out of my eyes before they could fall.  Logan’s expression was unreadable.  His jaw was clenched tight and his hands were fisted in his lap.

“I don’t believe that,” he choked out.

“I don’t even know who the father of my baby was Logan!  I don’t know!  It could have been one of three different guys,” I challenged.

His eyes never left mine.  He scooted closer until he was next to me.

“Beth.  I don’t care if you slept with half of Houston.”

He held my head in his hands and gently wiped the guilty tears spilling from my eyes.  He kept one hand on my jaw as he leaned in on the other side and tickled my ear with his soft whisper.

“They don’t matter, because I will be the last.”

The dam around my heart broke with those words.  He pulled back from my ear to meet my tear filled gaze with a question in his warm eyes.  I nodded and his lips were on mine before I could take another breath.

He kissed me ravenously.  He anchored the back of my head in his hands and pulled me closer demanding more.  His eager hands tightened in my hair as he continued to kiss me.  My heart soared, I wanted it to last forever.  We were both a little light headed before he came up for air.  His grip on me didn’t ease, but he allowed a few millimeters between us so I could catch my breath.

“I love you Beth.  I’ll always love you.  Someday, I’m going to convince you to give me another chance, then I’m never going to let you go.”

He started to kiss me again, but my hand on his chest stopped him.

“You never left me, not really.  When I needed you the most, you were here.  I cut all my ties with you because I was afraid to believe you’d ever come back.”

“I abandoned you.  I left you bleeding.”

“You didn’t abandon me Logan.  You made a promise you couldn’t keep.  You made sure Jack stayed away from me even after you saw me with other guys.  You didn’t abandon me like my father and mom did.  You came back when I needed you most.”

“Can you forgive me?  I love you Beth.  I’ll always take care of you.  I swear.”

I smiled at him and gave him a peck on the cheek.

“I’m so lucky I met you.  You were strong enough to battle my demons and loving enough to heal my heart.  Last time I gave you complete responsibility for taking care of me.  When you left, I fell apart.  I had to learn to take care of myself.  Can you forgive me for becoming a self-absorbed masochist after you left?”

“I can forgive you for anything, as long as you keep loving me.”

We fell asleep on the couch, tightly wrapped in each other’s arms.  Something woke me up from a deep, contented sleep.  Beside me, Logan, stirred in his sleep.  He sat up slightly and started to stretch his cramped muscles.  I snuggled back into my pillow, hoping for a few more minutes of sleep, when I heard Logan’s strangled gasp.  My frightened eyes flew open.  The specter of a stunningly beautiful woman was standing at the end of the couch, just inches from where we were sleeping.  Logan began shaking uncontrollably.  I put my arms around him, attempting to ease his trembling.  He held on to me for dear life.

“Mama?”

The woman before us smiled sorrowfully.

“Hello, son.  We have a lot to talk about.”