Breath of Life (7 page)

“Yes?” Susie walked into the room. Jack clutched his chest with his right hand. His left held the leg that was propped up.

“Jack, talk to me what hurts?” He saw the panicked look on Susie’s face.

“Everything, I need something for the pain,” Jack said gritting his teeth.

He was trying to hold it together long enough for Susie to give him the meds and he could be left alone. He never wanted this to happen. The divorce papers were an action of anger. He never stopped loving her even after everything she did. Paxton was supposed to be his forever and always, throughout eternity. That’s what she wrote in her vows. He only had himself to blame. Susie was back in a flash with pain killers she injected through his line.

“They should kick in quickly. I will come back and check on you later,” she said putting the needle in the box on the wall. She exited and Jack allowed himself to fall apart until the meds knocked him out.

***

Paxton laid in her bed looking over at the window. Her mother hasn’t spoken to her since Duke came over. She was surprised her mother let him stay for dinner and keep her company afterwards. She figured she would kick him as soon as possible, but she didn’t. Paxton knew her mother was biding her time. She figured she could pick at this later.  She heard a shift towards the door. She turned and saw her mother standing in the doorway. Duke was over in the rocking chair in the corner watching over Paxton.

“Duke, I think it’s time for you to leave. Paxton needs her rest, after all she was only released today,” Jenny firmly said.

Paxton quickly looked over at Duke and sat up in her bed. She could see that he was torn but he looked at her and she gave him a small nod. Duke got up and was walking towards Paxton not looking away from Jenny. Only when he got to the bedside did he break eye contact and look down at Paxton.

He squatted and kissed her on the forehead. “If you need anything, you call.”

Paxton gave a nod of her head and gave a small smile.  Then Duke stood up and went out of her range of sight. She didn’t want to face her mother right now. She was emotionally spent. Her mother didn’t realize that she signed the divorce papers Jack sent her the week he left. Surely he has received the copy of the filed papers she sent him.

“Paxton,” Jenny sighed as she sat on the bed.

Paxton refused to talk to her.

“I don’t know what you think you are doing with that boy but haven’t you done enough? What would Jack think?”

Paxton didn’t respond. She didn’t know what to tell her mother about Jack. He was no concern any longer. She was now back to being Paxton Andrews, no longer Mrs. Jack Mercier. Her heart stopped for a beat or two. She still had feelings for him but she could no longer be with him. She then had to deal with Duke. She knew that there was something more to their relationship but she didn’t know what they were.

“What does it matter to you?”

“He’s Ella’s husband!”

“Was Mom, was.” Paxton couldn’t face her.

“She would still be with him if it wasn’t for you,” her mother spat out.

“When are you going to stop reminding me of what I did?! Don’t you think I remind myself everyday of what happened?!”

“Obviously not if you are bringing him here the first day you are out of the mental facility!” Her mother shouted back.

“I was only in there because it got me away from you, away from this place and away from everyone’s whispers about why Ella isn’t here!” Tears ran down Paxton’s face. She didn’t want to deal with this right now. She couldn’t handle anything else tonight.

“What about Jack? Why wouldn’t you call him before Duke?”

“Because I
divorced
him today,” Paxton let out. She saw her mother’s face drop.

“So you called Duke to comfort you the same day you let Jack go?!”

Paxton just shook her head, she knew this was not helping anything right now and she felt like she just wanted to crawl under a rock and stay there until everyone forgot about her.

“Mom, I can’t do this. I just can’t. It’s too much.”

She laid down on her side staring at the wall now. She waited for her mother to say something but she didn’t. Paxton then heard footsteps walking around upstairs. She knew that would be the end of it tonight.

She closed her eyes and focused on her breathing again. She wished the facility had some sort of yoga program when she was there. She always loved going to her yoga class. It centered her in her crazy life as a surgeon.  She took deep breaths trying to relax and focus on herself versus everything around her. She needed to mentally escape her surroundings, the events of the day, and her mind floating through what her life used to be like. She needed to focus on her, here and now. Not about the past but thoughts of her future and how she was going to rebuild her life.

As she focused on her breathing, Paxton’s phone started ringing. She thought maybe it was Duke checking in on her. She couldn’t imagine who it could be otherwise. She kept her eyes close and felt for her phone. She found it and hit the button to pick it up. She knew her phone like the back of her hand.

“Hello?” She took a deep breath in.

“Why did you sign them?” Paxton’s eyes flew open and she exhaled quickly as she heard Jack’s voice.

“I only did what you wanted.”

Why was he calling?
She felt her heart rate speed up. He still had the effect on her. He could make her swoon just by talking to her. She couldn’t stop the reaction.

“It’s not what I want anymore, that’s why I came back for you Tiger. I miss you and I’m miserable without you.”

Silence followed as if he was waiting for her response. She heard the familiar heart monitor in the back ground. She noticed in the few seconds it sped up slightly.

“I’m sorry Jack.” That was all Paxton could manage.

“Don’t. Please just talk to me.”

He was searching for something, but Paxton wasn’t sure what he wanted to hear from her. All Paxton heard was his voice, yelling, saying he didn’t want her. Then the door slam.

“Do you remember what you said as you slammed the door and left me crumpled on the floor in our cabin?” She waited a few seconds before continuing, “Because I do Jack. That wasn’t the sound of someone who wanted to work through things. That wasn’t the sound of someone who loved another person. The words people say when they are angry often ring some sort of truth when they say them.”

Jack said nothing. Paxton knew she was not in the best place to speak about hurting someone. She hurt him in so many ways, there would be no way that he would forgive her for it. If he did truly forgive her, there was no way that he could forget what she did. He even broke up his friendship with Duke when Paxton slipped into her dark place. He hadn’t even spoken to Duke that she was aware of. He did nothing wrong, Jack only assumed he did. Paxton tried to convince herself that Jack ruined that relationship on his own.

“Goodbye Jack,” Paxton said after a few minutes of no response. She let the phone linger by her ear waiting for a response.

“I know I shouldn’t care after everything you did but I do. What makes it hurt is I know you don’t believe me,” Jack finally said.

Paxton felt her chest clench up.
How can he love her?
She heard Jack disconnect the line. She looked at her phone. Then set it down. She rolled over and shut her eyes. She couldn’t take anything else today. She needed to get away. She hoped sleep would come soon.

Sleep finally came to her but it wasn’t a restful one. She tossed and turned as those blue eyes stared intently at her. She knew she still loved Jack with every ounce of her heart. She also ached because they weren’t together. She knew that she had changed too much over time. She wasn’t the same person that Jack married, the one that everyone used to know. She saw Duke and Jack being friendly, something they no longer did. They drifted apart and Paxton wedged herself permanently between them. 

She woke up in a sweat. She sighed and put her head in her hands. She couldn’t torment herself any longer. She needed to talk to someone. Someone who didn’t know that could judge her fairly. She thought of Dr. Keeler. She started giggling. All this time at the facility and she is only now realizing that talking may help her. She laughed and leaned back into her head board. She couldn’t stop. She didn’t know why it was so funny but she laughed until she started crying. For the first time in a long time she felt content. She didn’t know what brought it on but she was tired and the emotional rollercoaster from the past few days was about to end.

Paxton realized that she needed to take control of her life. Her grief had been in control too long but she didn’t know how to get past it. The blame she put on herself, maybe everyone was right, she was just a victim of circumstance.  Paxton laid back down, staring at her alarm clock on the night stand. Her thoughts sobering her from her brief insanity moment.

Paxton awoke the next morning. The house was quiet. Sunlight filled her room and she knew it had to be late morning. She laid there or a few moments waiting to hear any sounds in the house, any sign of her mother being there. She didn’t want to see her mother after last night. She just needed time to process everything that has happened. She knew she needed to get out of this house. This place will not let her heal and she didn’t need her mother watching her every move and reminding her of what she no longer has. She got out of bed after deciding her mother was out of the house.

She flipped on her music player. Rachel Yamagata’s voice filled the room. 
Elephants
was an appropriate song, very fitting for the moment. She put the song on repeat. It was so sullen. It matched Paxton’s mood so well, dramatic and sorrowful.

She was surrounded by memories of the past, lost loves, and an uncertain future.  Paxton looked through framed pictures. She put some of her father in the box, her and Ella, family photos, and a few of Ella, Duke, Jack and her. They were all good memories, she wanted to take them but they would also be a reminder of what she can never have again.

She walked over to Ella’s room. She took a few things from it just to remember her best friend who she would never see again. By the time she was finished she had a few boxes packed. She knew the harder part was coming up because she would have to head to the cabin. Paxton couldn’t bring herself to think of the memories there. She quickly went back to her room and laid on her bed. She let the music take her away. She listened to the words letting them sink in, the echoed throughout her thoughts.

“Pax?” a voice broke through.

Opening her eyes, Paxton was shocked to see the room was dark. She didn’t realize so much time as passed. She looked over at the door and saw her mother. Paxton sighed as she sat up. She didn’t want to see her mother.

“What?”

“I have been thinking a lot about our conversation last night. I don’t like the way you are acting and I think it would be best for us if you left my house. Go back to your house, think about things.”

“I was planning on leaving but I can’t go back to the house. I need to find somewhere else first.”

“I think it’s best if you leave soon. I haven’t gotten over what happened and you being here isn’t helping. I’m sorry. I love you, but right now I can’t have you here.”

Paxton sat in her bed stunned. She knew her relationship with her mother was strained but she didn’t think it was this bad. Her mother didn’t say anything else and just left. Paxton picked up her phone and dialed Duke. She needed to get out of here with her stuff. She just didn’t have a vehicle here to do it.

“Come get me,” Paxton pleaded as he answered the phone. “Please just come get me.”

“Don’t move.”

Paxton felt herself relax slightly. He was coming for her just like he said he would.  She started taking her boxes up to the door. Her mother watched her but offered no help. Paxton would not cry in front of her.

She waited for Duke out on the porch. When he pulled up she took her first box to his truck. He went and grabbed her other few boxes she had and loaded them up for her. She climbed into the truck and waited for Duke.

“Where are you staying?”

“I was going to go to a hotel but I don’t want to waste any money that may be sitting in my bank account. Please take me to the cabin.”

“Are you sure?” Duke asked. Paxton saw the concern on his face.

“Yes.” She said as she looked out the window.

SEVEN

It had been several days since Paxton saw anyone. She was busy trying to find a new place to live. She was haunted by all the memories the cabin had. She was trying to shake them as she headed to her appointment with Dr. Keeler. This would be the first appointment where she knew she was going in to talk but she didn’t know where she wanted to start. She felt the downward spiral pulling at her again.

She found herself nervously sitting waiting on Dr. Keeler to call her. Paxton took in her surroundings. She never been to Keeler’s office outside the facility. She knotted her hands together, picked at her nails and kept watching the clock.

“Mrs. Mercier?” Dr. Keeler announced.

“Miss Andrews now,” Paxton nervously smiled.  She saw Dr. Keeler’s face fall slightly.

“I see. Please come in.”

Paxton walked in and took in her new surroundings. She had built-in book shelves, a couple choices of chairs for patients to sit in and a wall of windows. She could see into the courtyard. She saw people walking by.

“Don’t worry. One way windows. They cannot see anything in here,” Dr. Keeler said as she walked over to a chair and sat down. “Please come sit.”

Paxton found herself walking to the chair furthest from the doctor.

“So what would you like to discuss?” Dr. Keeler jumped right in.

“I’m not sure. I just knew it was a good idea if I finally talked to someone. Someone who can be partial to me without laying blame.”

“Why would I blame you for something?” She cocked her head to one side. Paxton fidgeted under her gaze.

“Because I am a horrible person.”

“From my records that I have, I show that you are not a horrible person. A renowned surgeon, you have family that loved you but from what I understand, something happened a little over a year ago. Then your loved ones said you started changing.”