Breath of Life (3 page)

“So you partied in college like every other person. When did you get out of that phase?”

“By my senior year of college, I started straightening out. I figured if I wanted to influence the kids I wanted to help, I better set an example. So the girls I chose to get into relationships with were more structured. The girls were educated, nice, any parent’s dream for their son. But there was always something missing for me. All my relationships lasted no more than six months. My friends called me picky but I didn’t want to settle.” He took a drink of the tea Dr. Keeler poured for him.

“So you had been in several real relationships before Paxton came along,” Dr. Keeler noted. She still had no idea how this fit in with why Paxton was here but Dr. Keeler was starting to get to know the man that stole Paxton’s heart.

“Yes, Paxton was different from everyone else. That night she came over for the movie changed my life. I know how that sounds but looking back now, it definitely changed.” He looked like he was lost in his thoughts but then suddenly he looked over at Dr. Keeler. “She was captivating from the moment she introduced herself to me. She lit up the room. It was one of those moments when she breaks eye contact from everyone and steals a quick glance at you and you just know she is the love of your life.”

“Sounds like a fairy tale, Jack,” Dr. Keeler commented. Jack had shifted again on the couch.

“A fairy tale? I wouldn’t say that but it seemed magical until Paxton changed.”

Dr. Keeler noticed there was a tone in his voice that made it seem like there was a very dark time in their relationship. As she was about to ask him to continue her timer went off.

“I’m afraid our time is up. I have a patient coming for a session in a few moments.” She saw Jack check his watch. She could see that he lost track of time and didn’t realize that he was there for nearly two hours.

“Would you mind coming back and talking to me some more Jack?” Dr. Keeler asked as they were heading towards the door.

“Anything to get her out of here. She doesn’t belong here.”

“I know Jack.” She paused, thinking of Paxton.  “I know.”

Dr. Keeler showed him the way out. She only had about ten minutes before her next patient came in and she wanted to see Paxton after that to finish their session that was cut short because of her reaction to Jack.  

Paxton was attempting to sleep but she couldn’t. She tossed and turned trying to get thoughts of Jack out of her mind. Every time she closed her eyes, his voice rang in her ears.
 You are nothing to me. You disgust me. I do not want to ever see you again.
His face, the door slam. It played over and over in her head. Soon she heard a knock on the door and two orderlies came in.

“Dr. Keeler wants to see you.” They informed her.

They led her down to Dr. Keeler’s office. She was too tired to even pretend she was checked out, she just was.

“Come in Paxton.” Dr. Keeler interrupted her thoughts. She was at the door holding it open for Paxton. “Thank you gentlemen. I can handle it from here.”

Paxton crossed the threshold of her office. She sat in her normal spot and stared out the window. She waited for Dr. Keeler to sit in the chair across from her. As everything fell into place, Paxton looked over to her. She seemed to have taken her by surprise in this sudden movement, because Dr. Keeler just stared at Paxton to see what she would do next.

“Why did you bring him here?” Paxton’s lifeless voice filled the silence. She knew it was the first time she initiated conversation since she came here.

Dr. Keeler didn’t answer right away. She saw Dr. Keeler studying her.

“Jack is here to help.”

“I do
not
want him here.”

“I cannot push him away if he’s willing to help. Look at yourself. You’re actually talking to me for the first time. This is a great start for your recovery.”

“He’ll only make it worse if he’s here,” Paxton quietly said looking at her hands.

“Why don’t you tell me about Jack?” Dr. Keeler pressed.

“What about Jack? The past, that he ‘misses’ me? I don’t believe him. Why did he really come?” Paxton became defensive but her voice remained calm, almost emotionless. Jack’s last words still ringing in her head. She stood up and walked to the window.

“I think he still cares about you.”

“Maybe once he did, but I am nothing to him.”

"If Jack didn't care then he wouldn't be here. You know it means something to you that he’s here. Especially after all this time. I think you are struggling to keep your emotions contained. He told me a little bit about how you two met." Dr. Keeler studied Paxton. She noticed Paxton tense up at the window. She could see Paxton's facial expressions in her reflection.   It seemed as though Paxton went deep into her own thoughts and was lost in the memories.

Paxton remembered the movie night. She remembered Jack pulling her in and holding her tight. Then she saw him slam the door and the look of disgust on his face. She remembered falling into the darkness when she realized everything that she had lost. Anything that reminded her of what she once had was too much for her to deal with. She would not let Jack get to her. She couldn't afford it. Paxton shut her eyes and tried to dispel the images of the life she once had. 

When she opened them back up, Paxton pulled her hand back towards her and blood was running down her arm. She looked at the window in front of her, realizing her hand just went through it. Everything around her slowed down. She heard Dr. Keeler call for help. Paxton looked at Dr. Keeler frightened. She didn’t remember driving her hand through the window. Orderlies came running in.

“Get me towels!” Dr. Keeler ordered them. They were back in a few moments. Paxton winced as Dr. Keeler wrapped her hands.

“Are you okay?” Dr. Keeler questioned her.

She noticed Dr. Keeler’s movements were frantic. Paxton felt Dr. Keeler squeezing her hand and opening it up to check on things. Paxton stared over at the broken window. She couldn’t function, she couldn’t answer Dr. Keeler. Her mind was reeling trying to figure out what came over her.

“Paxton?”

Paxton felt like someone finally kick started her brain. She felt herself begin to panic, tears fell down her face and her eyes went wide as she finally looked at Dr. Keeler. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s okay, it’s just a window, but I need to get you to the infirmary. Then we can talk about this.” Dr. Keeler said leading the way still holding the towels around her hand.

Paxton followed Dr. Keeler who still had a hold of her hand.  Each step Paxton took only confused her more. She was frantic and she couldn’t put the pieces together. She looked at Dr. Keeler as they reached the infirmary. Dr. Keeler seemed shocked at what she just saw. Paxton wished she could remember driving her hand through the window. It was like she blacked out for those few moments. She knew that breaking that window was a sign that she was not as in control as she needed to be.

A nurse came rushing towards them. Paxton slipped her mask on. She knew she had to get control of herself. She needed to lose herself into the darkness to get through this day but she found that it was a lot harder to do now. Jack came back for her, he finally came back.

THREE

Paxton was nervous showing up at Duke’s that night. Ella told her to make sure she looked good for movie night because they may be going out afterwards. Knowing that Paxton threw on a white skirt that was shorter than she would have liked but it went so well with her knee-high boots. She threw on a black top where the back was laced together with a piece of ribbon. Ella was rubbing off on her when they went out. She wanted to look every bit of sexy that Ella also told her she was.  Ella always said she should wear clothes that reveal her body more because she was so fit. Paxton figured it was because she was always at the gym if she wasn’t at the hospital or busy studying.

“Don’t worry you look amazing,” Ella whispered as they were walking to the house.

“We better go out tonight, otherwise I would have wasted this outfit for nothing.”

“Trust me, it will not be wasted,” Ella nudged her. She knocked on the door.

Paxton gave her a glance and wanted to ask her what she meant but Duke opened the door. She quickly turned and smiled.

“Whoa, Pax, if I wasn’t already taken...”

“Watch it buddy, I happen to have your balls in my purse already,” Ella interrupted him.

“I was just commenting. You know I only have eyes for you.” He smiled sweetly towards Ella. Paxton slightly turned the other way. She shifted from one foot to the other as they had their moment.

Duke let them in and she looked up just as Jack was walking down the hallway. Her breath caught in her throat. She suddenly felt like she needed to put more clothes on.

“Jack!” Ella pranced over to him. “You remember Paxton.” She pushed him forward to where Paxton stood frozen and wide-eyed.

Paxton tried to regain herself, shaking away the shock of how good he looked. Ella winked at her. “Hey, Jack.” She released the breath she was holding. She felt a pull deep in her stomach, one that refused to release.

“Hey, it’s good to see you again,” he pulled her into a hug. She inhaled his scent and closed her eyes. He smelled heavenly. She smiled as Jack released her.

“So I ordered pizza for tonight, hope that’s okay ladies,” Duke interjected.

“Fine with us,” Ella piped in going over to Duke.

Paxton felt herself squirm under Jack’s gaze throughout the night. She tried to steal glances at him but every time she looked at him, he glanced at her too. Paxton felt like it was almost a game of who could catch who looking at them.

She was forced to sit with Jack on the loveseat after dinner when they decided to watch a movie. Ella and Duke had claimed the couch sprawling out all over it. Paxton tucked her legs underneath her. She regretting her choice of clothing now. Jack sat next to her and put his arm on the back of the loveseat, giving them a little more room. Paxton was finally able to steal a glance at him.  He was grabbing a beer from Duke. Jack then passed her one. Their fingertips touched each other when he handed the beer to her and Paxton felt the sensation that ripped through her body in that moment. She wanted his arms wrapped around her, she wanted to see how she fit against him when she leaned into him.

“Everyone ready for the movie?” Ella asked.

“Let’s do it,” Duke said grabbing the remote.

Paxton was thankful that her thoughts were broken up. She shifted slightly on the loveseat so she would be a little bit further away from Jack. She needed to control herself and not let him get under her skin but she thought it might be too late already. She was aware of him. Every nerve in her body was on high-alert. She opened her beer and took a drink of it. She needed to relax.

Halfway through the movie, Paxton was feeling nervous. She never liked scary movies. A scream let out on the screen and she flinched and found herself leaning against Jack. He brought his arm down and wrapped it around her. Paxton’s eyes went wide, not because of the movie but because Jack made a move on her. She figured he was just waiting for her to give him some sign.

She scooted back into him a little more and he rested his chin on her head. She thought she felt him smile. She noticed how perfect she fit underneath his arm. She took a deep breath in and felt herself relax. His scent surrounded her and she lost herself in it. She couldn’t pay attention to the movie. When it ended, she felt herself not wanting to move but she didn’t want to draw any unwanted attention. Ella would be grilling her later about it. She got up to stretch and looked over at Ella who apparently fell asleep against Duke.

“I guess she’s staying here tonight.” Paxton stared at Ella.

“Yeah, you should too,” Duke said. “You had a few beers.”

“Well then, you’re on my bed and I’d like to go to sleep now.” Paxton yawned again waiting for them to get off the couch. She knew she shouldn’t drive. She wasn’t feeling the beers but she realized how tired she was.

“Take my room. I can sleep on the couch,” Jack offered. “I can give you a shirt to sleep in and some sleeping pants.”

Paxton whipped around to him. “No, it’s okay. I’m fine taking the couch.”

“Please. I would much rather you sleep in a comfortable bed than on Duke’s couch,” Jack countered. Paxton felt her heart flutter a little bit.

“Sure, thanks.”

She followed behind him as they walked back to his bedroom. She enjoyed the view of him in front of her. She loved it even more when he picked out clothes for her. She felt the butterflies in her stomach. She wished that he would stay in here with her but she knew that it would give him the wrong impression of her.

“Here you go,” he passed over a pair of boxers and a t-shirt.

“Thanks,” she smiled up at him.

“Well, have a good night.”

“You too.”

Paxton put on his clothes. She climbed in his bed and laid there staring at the ceiling. She couldn’t believe that Jack seemed to be interested in her. She sprawled her hand out to her side wondering how it would feel to have him cuddle with her, to wake up with him in the morning. Would he be entangled with her or would he be up before her? Would they be on opposite sides of the bed? Her mind went a million miles an hour with those thoughts but she knew it would never happen because he was leaving to go to New York soon. She turned on her side and waited for sleep to capture her.

***

Paxton opened her eyes to find herself back in her room at the mental institution. She felt the tears pooling up in her eyes. Why did her dreams have to consist of Jack and the way things used to be? She hated it as it was the first time in a while she dreamt of the weekend she met Jack. Her chest felt heavy at the thought of how much she had lost. How much she took away from everyone.  

Paxton tried to roll over to cover herself but found her wrists restrained. They probably thought she might hurt herself again after driving her hand through the window. She figured the straps were a precautionary measure to ensure her safety in the confines of her room. She sighed and laid her head back. She closed her eyes and listened for any movement outside her door but all she heard was Jack’s laugh. She saw his piercing blue eyes that captivated her the night she met him, the happiness and light in them. The next image she conjured up were his eyes in Dr. Keeler’s office. There was regret in them, worry. Her conscious invaded her thoughts.
He left you. You know he would only leave you again because you are not the girl he fell in love with.
Her conscience was right.