Bones Would Rain from the Sky: Deepening Our Relationships with Dogs (21 page)

suit him, and another had merely smiled
without apology when caught in the act of standing on the
kitchen table and eating butter. "What is wrong with
my dogs?" Karen asked. I assured her there was
nothing wrong with her dogs. They were simply acting like
dogs and pointing out in ways she didn't
appreciate that her leadership of the pack was
slipping. She admitted that she'd thought about that. With a
demanding job and three children, Karen was pulled in
countless directions to act as mother, employee,
manager, wife, daughter, and leader for her dogs.
Sometimes, overwhelmed and tired, Karen acted in
ways her dogs perceived as less than worthy of their
respect. In her next statement, Karen neatly
summed up the difficulty at the heart of the issue:
"You know, if I could just stay home and be nothing but a
dog leader all day, I'd be a great leader!"
Couldn't we all?
Every one of your interactions with a dog is one that the dog
takes seriously as your answers to his questions. Let
me repeat that every interaction with a dog is one that the dog takes
seriously. He has no other way of interpreting his
world. The dog's world does not contain careless
interactions. In every interaction with another
dog or person, a dog says what he means. This
is a good and delightful thing, and one of the finer
aspects of life with dogs. Would that all we loved
were as meaningful in their communications with us! But this cuts
both ways-unfailingly honest in what he says and
does, the dog assumes everyone around him is doing
the same. All day. Every day.

top ten ways to lead with style!

With so many demands on our time and energies, honoring
our commitment to any of our relationships is not always
easy. Lurking under our hectic attempts to find
time for the relationships we value is a pitfall that
unfortunately traps many of us: the tendency toward
compartmentalization, which in turn leads to simplification.
I think of this tendency to simplify as the
Cosmo approach, a journalistic style made famous
by such Cosmopolitan magazine articles as "Ten Easy Tips
to Become a Red Hot Lover! "The intent of the
Cosmo approach may be to encourage us to remember
that we can enhance the quality of our lives by taking just
a few extra minutes or giving a bit more
attention to something. That's just nifty when we're being
offered recipes for Snow Pea Surprise or
Make Ahead Cream of Kidney Soup. However,
when the Cosmo approach is applied to relationships, the
unfortunate result is that lovely, complicated
aspects of our lives are reduced to bulleted
lists and simplified advice.
Whether it's being a great lover, a better parent or
a terrific dog owner, we all know that relationships
are not layer cakes. There are no recipes that can be
followed step by step to create a profound, intimate
relationship. The deep connections we seek, whether
with a life partner or a child or a friend or a dog,
require far more than a few minutes a day
to develop. "Look honey, I've got ten
minutes for you, and right now, I'm ready to be your
mom. So, let's do it!" Under such conditions, it is
doubtful that we could provide anything even vaguely
resembling the ongoing guidance and leadership children
need, never mind develop a profound connection.
We are not parents in short, intensely
focused sessions where we "train" the children, but rather
parenting is the sum of our actions in every interaction with
our children.
Yet more than one dog-training book takes a
Cosmo approach to our relationships with our dogs, offering
promises that you can have a well- behaved dog in just
five or ten minutes a day, or that in one month,
your dog can learn everything you'd like him to know. A
truthfully titled book on dog training might be
Your New Puppy and the Next Two Years You
will Spend Helping Him Become a
Wonderful Dog.
The book would probably not sell, though false
promises that you can have anything you want
without much effort certainly do. It is true that you can
train a dog to
do something in
just a few minutes a day. Dog owners everywhere
faithfully grab their leash and collar, the homework
sheets from obedience school and head out to the backyard
or neighborhood park to "train the dog." Thus
it is dogs learn to sit, stay and heel, and other

niceties. But they may also be learning that
outside of this dedicated training time, there is a
lack of leadership in their daily lives.
Leadership and training are not synonymous, and to the
detriment of our relationship with our dogs, we
sometimes confuse the two. Training has to do with what the
dog knows how to do-specific actions or
activities. Leadership is the foundation for the dog's
understanding of how his world is organized, providing him
with information about his relative status, directing his
actions as necessary and setting the limits on his
behavior as well as setting the tone for how
important situations will be handled. If we
mistake training for leadership, we will find ourselves
bewildered by some of the things our dogs do. A dog may
graduate at the top of his obedience class and still
growl at someone who tells him to get off the bed.
It is quite possible to have a dog that is highly trained
and obeys a multitude of commands and even wins
countless awards and ribbons but who still has no real
respect for you. It is also quite possible to have a dog
with very little if any formal training but deep respect
for his people.
How can this be? We all know that there can be a world of
difference between a polite, respectful child and a child who
knows a lot of stuff. Just because a child has
learned his alphabet, can tie his own shoes, and knows
his name, address and phone number, this is not a
guarantee that he has respect for his parents or
others. He may also speak French, be an
algebra whiz, have a good grasp of American
history, be a great tennis player and a talented
violinist-and still be as rude as hell. No matter
how wonderfully our dogs perform in class or in the
backyard, even if they graduate as the
valedictorian of their obedience class, if we
fail to provide the leadership they need in every
interaction, all we have is a dog who knows
stuff.
And some of that stuff may include the fact that we're
not really calling the tune on the dance of man and
dog.
In a world where it sometimes seems that there is never enough
time, dogs remind us that now is the only moment we
have-and the only
one we need. In each interaction, we always have the time
to act in careless ways that are devoid of leadership
or guidance; we also have the same time to provide our

dogs with what they may need in that moment.
When we consciously choose to create the event of
quality with our dogs, we discover that being aware and
fully present when we turn our attention to another
requires no more time than a hasty, incomplete
connection. As ever, a small investment of our full
selves reaps rewards without measure.
the dynamics of status
Raise the question of leadership, and you'll inevitably
hear the words dominant and submissive.
Like all labels, the terms dominance and
Submission are not terribly informative, though they may
describe the far ends of a particular behavioral
spectrum, just as night and day
describe the presence or absence of the sun. But
does the word night
really tell us much at all? To an Alaskan, a
summer night is largely a glory of light. In
more temperate climates, where the sun's departure
defines the night, there are still endless variations on
what a night might be: moonless, moonlit,
cloudy, clear, cold, stormy and endless combinations of
these and other aspects of night. If I would have you
understand what a particular night is really like, I
need to describe in detail what I am
experiencing. The more detail, the more specific a
night I can describe.
To label a dog as dominant or submissive
tells me very little. The beautiful shadings of what is
possible along that vast spectrum of behavioral
possibilities are lost, neatly obscured by the
clumsy, crude labels. Labels also have the
unpleasant bonus of shaping our view of the dog in
rather rigid ways, leaving us unable to see the real,
complex dog in front of us. We may see nothing
more of that dog than fits neatly in the label's
frame. If we are unable to detail the
intricacies of how our dogs express themselves in a
particular moment, if we cannot define the
subtleties of gesture, then we also cannot deeply,

intimately know an individual dog; we
will be able to go so far and no further. At deep
levels, intimacy is built on knowledge so complex that
it defies labeling or explanation to someone outside
the relationship. The more fully we understand our dogs as
individuals, the less willing we are to sum up the
loveliness of an individual with a label.
Dominant and submissive
are useful terms only when we're trying to give a
rough sense of typical reactions.
If a conflict arises, will the dog respond in a
confident, assertive way, or will he typically
yield? Generally speaking, a more dominant animal
has greater self-confidence and is willing to push for
things to go the way he'd like them to
if it's something he cares about.
When attempts are made to direct and control his
behavior, the more dominant animal asks (rather
persistently) "Why?"- and he expects a
damn good answer. Lacking a satisfactory
answer, his confidence is turned toward shaping the world
to suit him. Such dogs are often labeled stubborn,
hardheaded, independent, even difficult to train,
though the truth is they simply expect a very good
answer to their be questions and are willing to work-even
fight-for what they want.
A more submissive animal lacks the
assertiveness to push for what he wants if it means
he has to confront anyone to achieve it, and in the
face of a conflict, is willing to go along with what
someone else has in mind. For these dogs, their question
(if raised at all) of "Why?" can sometimes be
answered with "Because I told you to." These dogs are
often called smart, easy, soft, trainable, though the
truth is that they are simply by nature much more
willing to go along with our game plan than make a
case for what they might prefer.
Within the context of a relationship, I'm not sure that
Dominant or submissive
have any place at all-do you describe any other
of your friends in such terms? I have friends I might

describe as determined, fearless,
happy-go-lucky, pushovers, prickly,
unflappable or any host of other descriptions that
are informative in a general way. But I don't
describe my human friends as dominant or
submissive. Increasingly, I keep stretching
myself to find new ways to describe my canine friends
and to do so in ways that accurately reflect their
behavior as well as my feelings about them. This is
an acknowledgment that the words we choose have great power
to shape our actions. If I describe a dog to you
as "confident, persistent, intelligent, intensely
aware of others" feelings and intentions," you'll have
one picture in your mind and act accordingly. But I
doubt that it's the same one created by this description:
"He's dominant." With the first description, you
might ask about the shadings and range or degree
of what I've described-just how confident or
persistent is he? Intelligent in what way or
compared to who? If I describe another dog as
"agreeable, disinterested in confrontation, easygoing,"
the picture in your mind and your response to that dog
is much different than if I tell you a dog is
submissive.
Along the continuum between dominance and submission lies
a whole world of possibilities, and to my
mind, the term status
comfluid, dynamic, contextual-is a better way
of looking at the complex realities of how dogs
interact with us and other people and animals. Status is
a dynamic, fluid quality that can shift based on
the situation and the context and may be quite specific to a
particular relationship. For example, a mother driving
her child down the road might well be seen to be the
higher-status member of that pair; the child,
appropriately, defers to her greater control of
resources and is willing to accept her control and
direction of his behavior. (all right, it's a very
young child. . . . were When Mom is pulled over for a
speeding ticket, her status shifts. Relative
to the police officer, she assumes a position of
lower status; she is deferential to him if she's
smart, and assuming she's not interested in a
high-speed chase through three counties ending in a
standoff at the local mini-mart, she'll accept his
control and direction of her behavior. Dropping the
kid off at school where unbeknownst to her he's the
king of his class and even the teacher gives him her
milk money, Mom then proceeds to work, where she is

middle management and has status higher
than those under her supervision but less status than
her superiors. In the evening, she drives home
alone. We cannot determine her status in that moment,
because just like our dogs, no one is dominant or
submissive, high status or lower status
except in relationship to someone else.
In this simple truth, the complexity of social
hierarchies can be seen: It all depends on where you
are, what you're doing and who you're with. In the absence
of another, status is meaningless. A billionaire
on a deserted island is just a lonely man.
An understanding of relative status is critical
to the dog's understanding of his world because the very organization of
his daily life and behavior hinges on the answer.
In trying to sort out the relative status of his
home pack, the dog is trying to figure out whose
rules he must obey and for whom he can set rules.
Like anyone, the dog does not wish to
annoy or threaten more powerful beings; that way lies
conflict, possible physical confrontation and maybe
even bodily harm.
Dogs learn that it is foolish and possibly quite
painful to annoy or challenge those who are more
powerful. On the other hand, it's both
possible and probably safe to take greater
liberties with or simply ignore someone who has
less status than you. But without an accurate
assessment of relative status, the dog is not
sure how best to behave in any given situation. This
is not a comfortable position for the dog, no more than
similar situations are for us. Many dogs I have worked
with were anxious, confused and even angry in the absence
of clear leadership. Loving our dogs is not enough,
just as loving anyone is not enough. Knowing that our dogs
need a clear delineation of their relative status,
we must honor their need and provide leadership.
However, thumping our chests-or more literally, thumping
the dogs-is not necessary; leadership is not a clenched
fist but a guiding hand. As Dwight D. Eisenhower
noted, "You do not lead by hitting people over the head.
That's assault, not leadership."
I am alpha-hear me roar!
If there's a single word I could remove from the
language of dog lovers and particularly dog
trainers, it's this: alpha.
A Greek word meaning
first, alpha