Board Stiff (Xanth) (13 page)

“Oh, for bawling out deafeningly!” Metria said.

Princess Dawn returned. “The villagers are satisfied. Caprice Castle will drop them off at a safe place to make a new village. Will you be joining them, Mitch?”

“I fear I will not,” Mitch said. “I am joining the Quest.”

“Then you folk will want to stay the night, to rest, before you go to your next Event in the morning.”

“That makes sense,” Pewter said. “I am recovering, but could use more rest.”

The others agreed. They were on the verge of relaxing when the two children, Piton and Data, appeared. “The virus is outside,” Piton said.

“Oh, bleep!” Pewter swore. “I’m not ready for it.”

“Do not be concerned,” Dawn said. “Caprice is a traveling castle. It will simply move to a safe place before we let anyone out. You may relax.”

Even Kandy felt relieved by that.

“I must go bid parting to the others and the mare,” Mitch said.

“I’ll go with you,” Tiara said.

The two departed. “I wish I could find a man like that,” Astrid said. “I mean one who could handle my fundamental nature as he handles hers.”

“I’d be glad to hold my breath and handle you,” Ease said. “Especially with your sequins off.”

What he cared about was her bra and panties. He was a typical man, hardly able to see farther than the moment. Kandy was disgusted, yet also intrigued. She could make him handle her body, but it did neither of them much good.

“Thank you,” Astrid said. “But you couldn’t hold it long enough.”

“And I couldn’t gaze into your eyes,” he agreed. Horribly true.

“Have we discussed recent developments with everyone?” Astrid asked.

There was two thirds of an awkward silence. Then Pewter said “Ease sleeps.”

Ease lay down on the nearest bed and slept. Pewter might be in a weakened state, but this was incidental magic. Kandy animated. “Thank you.”

“How do you feel about adding Mitch to the Quest?” Astrid asked her. “We shouldn’t have voted without you.”

“What choice did you have?” Kandy asked. “Actually I did vote. I prompted Ease. Mitch is taking Tiara’s attention, and that makes one less pretty girl to take Ease’s attention.”

“How is that relevant?” Pewter asked.

Astrid laughed. “You would have to be a woman to understand that. Ease is destined for Kandy, somehow, somewhen.”

“I don’t even understand Com Passion,” Pewter complained. That was his girlfriend, a rather nice machine with similar powers of persuasion.

Kandy laughed. “No male really understands any female. Let’s play chess.”

They played, explaining the game to Astrid, chatting incidentally. It was fun being friends. When Mitch and Tiara returned Ease woke, Kandy reverted, but the chessboard remained. Astrid took over in Kandy’s place. It was too early to tell Mitch about Kandy.

But the larger question remained: the pun virus menace was growing. How could they find the antidote in time to save Xanth from the horror they had seen at Punic Curse?

Chapter 6:

Centaur

In the morning they bid parting to Princess Dawn, Picka Bone, and the children Piton and Data, who were in transition: his bottom half and her top half were skeletal, the rest fleshly. They evidently had fun with variants.

The members of the Quest drew in close, while the Bone family watched. Tiara removed a sequin from Astrid’s dress. Kandy saw Picka’s eye sockets flash with appreciation, and the children loved the change in the cloth. Then, before Ease or Mitch could freak out from the view beyond the translucency, Tiara put the sequin back on.

They were standing in a pleasant pavilion. Kandy suspected that the Bone family was surprised to discover them so suddenly gone, though they had known what was going to happen. Event transitions occurred instantly, with no special effects, somewhat the way Caprice Castle traveled.

A handsome red-haired, red hided centaur stepped up to meet them. “Hello, travelers,” he said. “I am Chase Centaur, liaison, and this is the Centaur Isle receiving center. Please identify yourselves and explain the nature of your visit.”

Well, the centaurs were nothing if not efficient. Kandy had never been here before, and she suspected that the same was true for the others.

INTRODUCE THEM Kandy prompted Ease.

“I am Ease, and these are Astrid Basilisk, Com Pewter, Tiara, and Mitch,” Ease said. “We are on a Quest for the Good Magician to locate and invoke the anti-dote to nullify the anti-pun virus so that puns shall not perish from Xanth.”

Centaurs were known to be a magnitude smarter than humans, and two magnitudes more rational, but Chase was evidently taken aback. “A Quest to salvage puns? Surely you jest.”

“No,” Astrid said. “Xanth is largely made of puns, and if they are abolished Xanth will be little better than drear Mundania. The puns must be saved.”

“And you are a transformed basilisk? Why are you even associating with normal humans, let alone assisting them? Why are you shading your baleful gaze?”

“I am seeking a better life than killing other creatures,” Astrid said evenly. “Also better companionship. I have friends here, whom I wish to help, not hurt, and I appreciate the threat to Xanth. Don’t you?”

Chase evaded the question. “Nevertheless, we do not want your kind on Centaur Isle for any reason. Basilisks are dangerous. You must depart forthwith.”

This could be mischief. The virus did not seem to be here yet. Could Pewter risk pausing the firewall and using his magic?

“Centaur changes mind,” Pewter murmured.

Evidently so.

“However, considering--” Chase broke off, turning on Pewter. “Did you just practice magic on me? We centaurs detest magic on our persons. Kindly keep your unclean talent off me. You are out of your bailiwick, animate machine.”

Kandy remembered: regular centaurs, as opposed to flying centaurs, regarded magic as unclean, somewhat like poop, and treated it as a necessary evil. They were quite open about natural functions, like pooping, but avoided personal magic. That was why the winged centaurs had been banished from their society: they had obvious magic.

“We are on a Quest,” Pewter said. “As citizens of Xanth you are bound to assist us in whatever way you can, regardless of our membership in the human culture. You know that.”

Chase ground his teeth with an audible crunching sound. “We do know that. We also understand the need to preserve at least some puns, abysmal as they may be. But we don’t like it.”

“So we understand each other,” Pewter said evenly. “Will you help?”

“There are constraints. Even Quests must pay their way.”

“Of course,” Pewter said. “You are obliged to offer a fair and compatible deal.” Pewter evidently knew all about Centaur conventions. It occurred to Kandy that Pewter’s contribution to the Quest might relate more to his intellect than his magic.

“We have an elder historian who may be able to offer insight. We also have a difficulty that your group might alleviate.”

“Historical?” Mitch asked. “The pun virus menace is not in the past, it is now.”

“Caution,” Pewter said. “Centaurs have perspective beyond that of most humans. They don’t much like puns, me included, but they understand them well enough. Their historian should have useful insights.”

Chase nodded, marginally mollified. “True. Do you accede to the deal?”

“Now wait,” Mitch protested. “We don’t know what they want. It may be unreasonable.”

“Caution again,” Pewter said. “Centaurs do not practice unreason. The deal is fair.”

“I’ve heard that,” Tiara said, putting a hand on Mitch’s arm. Mitch shut his mouth. The two had met only recently, but already she had power to pacify him.

“But regardless,” Ease said, “we do need to know what is expected of us. What is difficult for a centaur might be impossible for us.”

“Your point is well taken,” Chase said. “Though we do not practice magic ourselves, we do avail ourselves of it on occasion. In this case we queried a human foreseer, who informed us that while no centaur could accomplish the task, and no individual human, the members of a Quest would be able to handle it. Further, that a Quest would arrive at the correct time. You would seem to be that Quest. So we wish to make a deal with you, assured that both parties will be satisfied.”

Ease opened his mouth to protest that the task still had not been clarified, but Kandy stifled him. ACCEPT.

“We agree,” Ease said, seeing the way of it.

“Then enjoy our hospitality while we contact key parties,” Chase said, and galloped off.

Another centaur stepped forward. This was a buxom female with lustrous brown hair curling down around her shoulders. Both Mitch and Ease looked at her bare chest, not freaking out but considering it.

“I am Curvia Centaur,” she said. “I will be your hostess for the duration. What refreshments would you like?”

Both Mitch and Ease made an effort to speak, but so much energy was going to their eyes that there was not enough left for their mouths.

“Thank you,” Astrid said. “We will be glad to take your standard fare.”

That turned out to be excellent. They dined on homemade blackberry pizza served with carrot wine.

“I have been locked in a tower most of my life,” Tiara said. “I have heard of the centaurs but never interacted with them before. May I ask some questions?”

“Of course,” Curvia said graciously.

“I have heard that you don’t much like magic. But Xanth is a magic land, and there must have been some magic in the origin of your species. How do you handle it?”

“We indulge in some social denial,” Curvia said candidly. “We know that we have both equine and human ancestry, but prefer to pretend that the human element is a fading relic. We also know that magic exists and is almost universal in Xanth, and we tolerate it in other species. We merely avoid it to the extent we can here on Centaur Isle. We arrange for inferior species to perform necessary magic, so that our hands may be free of it.”

Kandy saw that the centaur was unconscious of her social slip. By inferior species she meant human beings.

“But if you don’t use pie plants or beer-barrel trees, because they are magical, how do you get along?” Tiara asked.

“We do most things ourselves, the old fashioned way,” Curvia explained. “We grow, harvest, thresh and grind grain, shape it into dough, and bake it in ovens into bread. The pastries you are eating now were made that way. The wine was made by juicing the carrots, fermenting the juice, and aging it properly. No magic at all. In fact Centaur Isle is a low magic zone, which is one reason humans and magical creatures tend to avoid it.” She glanced at Astrid. “A few hours or days here won’t hurt you, but you would not care to remain here permanently.”

“Then how do you make deals with humans?” Mitch asked, getting interested in more than her bosom. “We use magic all the time.”

“We trade services with them,” Curvia said.

“But suppose one service is worth more than another? It would be hard to make a fair deal.”

“We have a standard measure of service. A small one is a favor. Ten favors are a full service. So a person can accumulate enough services to cover what she might want in return. We keep accurate records, and there is no time limit. Those humans who choose to reside with us pay one to five services a week for fodder and stabling.” She saw their expressions. “Sorry. Food and board. It works out. There is also free schooling for their children, the best in Xanth. Many prominent human families hire centaur tutors or send their children here for a few years.”

“Suppose the children don’t study hard?” Mitch asked.

“We give them regular tests. If they don’t measure up, they are sent home. Their families don’t like that. So most children do study hard, as they have to try to match even mediocre centaur levels. It is also a new kind of discipline for them to do things without magic. At first they hate it, but then they usually discover that the route to personal fulfillment is personal accomplishment, not depending on a crutch such as magic. That is perhaps the most worthwhile lessen they can learn: to be able to do anything without magic. Because sometimes, unexpectedly, it is necessary.”

Kandy found this interesting. She had had to learn to make do not only without magic, but without her body. It provided her an entirely different perspective.

“I understand that in Mundania many children cheat,” Pewter said. “All they want is a good grade, and they don’t care how they get it.”

“That is just one of the problems with Mundania,” Curvia said. “They have many distorted values. We do not have grades as such, and if we did, there would still be no point in cheating, as they would be only an indication of the student’s progress. What is the point of learning, if the learning itself is not valued? Any child who does not want to learn is free to go home; we will not waste our time with him.”

“With him?” Mitch asked. “Girls don’t cheat?”

“Girls generally want to get along. They do that by studying hard. Boys may have other agendas.” She paused reflectively. “I tutored a boy once, and had to send him back, because his attention never got higher than my chest. I never had that problem with a girl.”

Mitch took the hint and yanked his gaze free. AWAY! Kandy prompted Ease, and he reluctantly obeyed. She realized that the centaur did not care what they looked at, being without modesty of that kind, but did want reasonable attention paid to her words, not merely her form. This was actually a kind of school, as she acquainted them with centaur conventions.

Chase returned. “We have verified that the stork will arrive tomorrow morning. Our guests need to be there by then.”

Tiara looked at Mitch, stricken. “The stork? But all we did was hold hands!”

Astrid seemed to be stifling a laugh, and Pewter seemed about to say something patronizingly informative. The poor girl!

Curvia handled it smoothly. “The stork is not for you, Tiara. It takes somewhat more than hands to generate the signal, and there is a nine month delay in delivery. You were in a tower and oppressed by the human Adult Conspiracy so could not be expected to know.”

“Oh,” Tiara said, relieved. But she remained nervous.