Blurring the Line (19 page)

An awkward silence fell between them.

“You don’t want me to?” she finally said. Her brows knit together in confusion.

“No. That was about you feeling better.”

“Oh…um…OK.” She didn’t know what to say. His words were a slap in the face. She was a charity case. He felt sorry for her so he got her off. Unbelievable. She was a pity fuck. Oh God. She closed her eyes as the mortification beat against her.

“You said you wanted me to help you forget.” He ran a hand over his shaved head. Suddenly he looked uncomfortable, like he wanted to be any place but here with her.

Beth shook her head. “No…yeah…I get it. Thanks.” Suddenly she realised she was still naked. She grabbed her shorts and quickly pulled them on, then her shirt. “Um…yeah.” She didn’t know what to say. She had already thanked him, which was pathetic enough. She wasn’t going to do that again. “Um…sorry about the glass. I’ll buy you a new one.”

He said something but she couldn’t hear him, she was already in the bedroom. It took all her control not to run.

Sweet Jesus, what just happened? Maybe it was part of the same nightmare. She was still dreaming and soon she would wake up. Dear God, let her wake up.

***

Torres stood outside her door, the door to his room. She was in his bed. Shit he had messed up. He laid his hand on the door. He should go in and apologise. But what could he say? Sorry I’m an asshole? Sorry I can’t have a normal interaction with you? Sorry I nearly lost control and forced myself on you? Tell her she was right, she shouldn’t trust him? Maybe tell her he was more broken than her.

Torres rubbed his head and swore. There was nothing he could say that she would understand, nothing that would make it all right. He didn’t even understand. She just felt too close. He felt something with her. And what he felt scared him.

Christ he had almost lost control with her. It was all too much. It didn’t make sense. She wasn’t beautiful or special or… Christ what was it? He wanted her. There was a moment where he needed her and nothing would have stopped him from taking her, nothing, maybe not even her… It wouldn’t have been pretty or comforting or even dignified. He just wanted to be in her, to have her, in every way. God he had very nearly lost all control.

The only thing that stopped him was remembering her say she trusted him not to hurt her. Christ what was wrong with him?

He pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers. He’d screwed up.

“Shit,” he said into the blackness of the room.

Chapter Ten

Beth lay awake looking at Alejandra’s sleeping form. She might be the first person to ever hope a baby would wake up. She needed the distraction, something to keep from thinking about the mess she had made with everything. When the baby looked up at her with her big brown eyes, Beth knew she had done the right thing. It was stupid and reckless but it was right.

She hadn’t been able to go back to sleep. For three hours she stared at the ceiling. From the light of the alarm clock she could make out the cast-iron arms of the rustic chandelier. In her mind she traced them over and over.

She was exhausted. Unlike Torres, she needed her sleep. Ahh Torres. Beth closed her eyes. Not even telling herself that he would soon be gone made the sting any less painful. Last night had been the most surreal experience of her life. Physically it was the most pleasurable and emotionally it was…shit: absolute shit. She was humiliated and embarrassed and ashamed and dear God there were not enough pejorative terms for what she felt. She was going to need to buy a thesaurus to encapsulate her humiliation in a more succinct manner. There had to be a word for it.

Shitty summed it up quite nicely actually.

Beth took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She had to face him eventually. She swung her legs over the side of the bed. Best to just bite the bullet.

“Hi,” Torres said from the kitchen.

Heat rose in her cheeks. Her heart thumped frantically in her chest. She fought the urge to run back into the bedroom and slam the door. “Hi.” She forced the word out.

“Want some coffee?”

Beth’s eyes widened. Unbelievable. That was the game they were playing, humiliate and forget. Brilliant, she would be great at that. She ignored things better than most people. She was able to ignore the fact that she green-lighted murder: ignoring a bit of humiliation would be a walk in the park. “That would be great, thanks.”

Torres poured her a cup before he added milk and maple syrup to sweeten it. He knew how she took her coffee. The realisation made her stop. She had spent the night with her fair share of men and she didn’t think any of them knew how she took her coffee. Then again Torres also knew what every inch of her body felt like, what she tasted like, and no doubt what her face looked like after he rejected her.

Beth took the mug he offered. His fingers brushed hers. Her skin warmed at the touch.

She couldn’t ignore this. The humiliation wasn’t going to go away. “Look, Torres.”

Beth’s mobile phone rang in the other room. Beth jumped when she heard the ringtone she had assigned to Patterson: ‘You’re So Vain’ by Carly Simon.

She nearly tripped over her feet as she ran to answer it. It had to be news about Alejandra’s family in El Salvador.

“Hey,” Beth said.

“Hey. Is Torres with you?”

Beth looked up. Torres was there, staring at her. She turned her back to him. “Yeah.”

“Good. Nobody made him,” Patterson said. “His cover is fine.”

Beth shook her head. “How can you be sure?”

“How can I be sure? Um…because one of us is good with intelligence.”

“Don’t.” Beth didn’t have time for this today. He expected her to say something cutting in return. Everything was a pissing contest with Patterson, a numbers game of one-upmanship. He hated sharing authority with her. Most days Beth held her own, but today she wasn’t even going to try. “You can’t be sure of that. If it’s not 100% safe, I’m calling it.” Beth was careful not to say his name and let them know they were talking about him.

“Look at you going all soft. Are you sleeping with him or something?” Patterson laughed. He cracked himself up.

“Screw you.”

“Settle down.” Patterson laughed again. “Too much time in Taco Town. Ready to come home,
señorita
?”

Beth wondered if Patterson had any idea how unbelievably racist he sounded sometimes. “Why did you call me?”

“Not for the small talk. You suck at that.”

“Yep…anyway.”

“No joy in locating living relatives for the kid.”

Now he was just being an asshole: A lazy asshole. “Look again. Maria Sanchez has a mom and two sisters in San Salvador. Want their names and addresses too?” Beth shook her head. This is why she liked working alone, no one to drop the ball.

“Had family. All dead.”

Beth’s eyes narrowed. Had she misheard him? “No. Look again. Anita Sanchez owns a pharmacy. Check again. Both sisters work there.”

“Nothing to check. Confirmed it this morning with the PNC.”

“What?” Beth shook her head. “That’s not right. My information is good.”

“It was good until about 7pm Pacific Standard Time last night. All shot in the head. A photo of a scorpion was nailed to the pharmacy shutters. Want me to send you the photos to match what you have in your files?”

Beth’s heart stopped. “No.” Oh God. What did this mean?

“OK, we need Torres back in Nuevo Laredo tonight. There is talk of movement over the World Trade Bridge.”

“His cover—” Beth started again. He couldn’t go back. It wasn’t safe. She could feel it.

“His cover is fine. Every source is reporting a crazed white woman screaming bloody murder and then stealing a baby. People even saying you were the shooter. People think it was a kidnapping gone bad. Nobody is even mentioning a Hispanic male. Turns out you made enough of a scene to cover him. Well played. I’m sure that is what you were planning the whole time,” Patterson said sarcastically.

She was never going to live this down. “What about Alejandra?”

“Who?”

“The baby.”

“Oh yeah, the kid you stole. She is coming to America. She is now officially in federal custody until further notice. You fucked up, Beth.”

“Yep I did.” Beth shifted from one foot to the other. “What’s going to happen to her?”

“A safe house until Martinez is found.”

Beth’s eyes widened. That could be years. “Who is going to take care of her?”

“Not my problem. We just need to get her out of Mexico before anyone gets suspicious. There will be papers waiting for you at the airport. Anyone asks: she is your kid. You were in Mexico visiting her father: your ex-husband. Got it?”

“Yeah I got it.” Normally Beth was the one giving orders.

Beth hung up the phone.

“What did he say?” Torres asked when she was off the phone.

Beth turned around slowly to face him. It was game on. She was still his superior. “We need you back in Nuevo Laredo.”

Torres didn’t respond.

“I’m leaving today with Alejandra. I shouldn’t be seen with you. Your cover is still intact. Let’s keep it that way,” she said as if it was a matter of fact.

“Beth, we need to talk.”

She brushed past him. “We need to minimise our contact. Safer for you to stay out of Laredo all together.” She was talking shit. It wasn’t any safer for him in Nuevo Laredo than Mazatlan. But it would be easier for her. He wasn’t safe anywhere but it wasn’t her call any more and it wasn’t her problem. “Call me if you need to. I won’t need to see you again unless…” Her voice trailed off. There was really no need to see him. He could go through Patterson.

“Beth stop, we need to talk.”

Beth spun in her heel. “What, do you want out?” For a brief second she let herself hope he would say yes.

“No.”

“Good. Then we have nothing to talk about. Alejandra’s maternal family have been murdered. Probably Martinez.”

“Shit. I’m sorry, Beth. It’s not your fault.” His dark eyes brimmed with sadness. But he was good at faking emotion.

Beth held her hand up. “No. I know it’s not my fault. I don’t need you to
comfort
me.” The way he had comforted her last night would provide enough humiliation for the rest of her life.

She turned and walked towards the bedroom again.

“Beth, stop it. I need to talk to you.”

When she opened the door, Alejandra was sitting up in bed. Tears welled in her eyes.

Beth’s heart sank. She didn’t think it was possible to feel any worse than she did before. She really needed to stop challenging the universe like that.

“Oh baby girl.” Beth scooped her up. “Were you scared? I know. It’s scary isn’t it? But I’m here. You’re not alone.” Beth kissed the top of her head.

She had messed up. Taking Alejandra was the wrong thing do. But she would do it again a million times over. “Let’s get you fed and a fresh diaper.” Thankfully Torres had gone to town and bought supplies for her. He was surprisingly considerate for an asshole.

Torres handed her a diaper and wipes before he left her alone to get the baby ready. Beth dressed her in the red polka dot dress Torres had brought back last night. She brushed the baby’s hair and then fastened a clip at the side to keep her ringlets from falling into her eyes. “Pretty Girl,” Beth said as she kissed the tip of her nose. That what Beth’s mom called her: Pretty Girl.

Torres had already set the table for them. He had made pancakes. The scene was too domestic for her. She didn’t have the energy to pretend this morning. She handed Torres the baby. “I need to take a shower,” Beth said. It was an excuse. She just didn’t want to sit in the same room as Torres.

Torres nodded.

Beth took her time in the shower. She lathered, rinsed and repeated, something she had never done before; it seemed like a waste of money and shampoo but the longer she was in the shower the less time she had to be with Torres.

Beth pulled her wet hair back into a ponytail. She sat on the edge of the bed. She could hear Alejandra laughing. Of course she was, apparently all females had an affinity for Torres. Beth rolled her eyes.

She was being petty and stupid. Torres was not obliged to get a blowjob from her. She needed some perspective; he had refused a sex act, not committed a federal crime.

To be fair, he had actually committed federal crimes while he was undercover, and none of those had her sulking. She needed to put on her big girl panties. Yes rejection was hard, mortification was worse…but there was no need to be a petulant child about it.

“OK, big girl, time to man up,” Beth said out loud. That didn’t even make sense but it was her best effort at a pep talk. Pep talks worked better out loud because they drowned out all the crap she was saying to herself in her mind. “Man up!” Beth said again when her feet didn’t move. “OK let’s get ur done.” She had heard that one often enough since she had moved to Texas.

But still nothing.

“The sooner you get back to Texas, the sooner you get Blue Bell ice cream.” And with that, her body finally saw fit to see past her humiliation.

Beth walked into the kitchen. “Where’s Alejandra?”

Torres pointed to the alcove. A wooden gate was fastened across the front of the small room, effectively creating a large confined play area for her. Alejandra sat happily on the floor playing with a wooden toy Torres had bought for her yesterday.

“Where did you get the baby gate?”

“I made it last night.”

“She’s leaving today.”

“Yeah well I couldn’t sleep.” Torres shrugged.

Beth’s back stiffened. “Really? You had time to kill and this is what you chose to do? Unbelievable.” So much for putting on her big girl pants, apparently they had been swapped for her bitchy pants.

“I thought you didn’t want to talk about it.”

Beth rolled her eyes. “Of course I don’t want to talk about it. But—” Beth stopped herself.

“But what?”

Beth considered her words. What would make her sound the least pathetic? She shook her head. Any way she cut it she looked pretty pitiful. “Look Torres, I don’t know what your game is. But I’m not a charity case. I don’t need you to get me off.” He no doubt thought he had done the frigid cat lady a favour, showing her it was possible to have an orgasm with someone else.