Blood & Milk (16 page)

“We not take white man’s money,” Kijani said coldly. “We not take white man’s law.”

I supressed a sigh. “There is no choice.” I stared directly at Kasisi. “There is no choice.”

Kasisi stared back at me for the longest moment before his brow furrowed as he frowned. With a flick of his hand, I was dismissed. Damu was quick to his feet, and with his hand on my elbow, he led me toward the goat pen.

Without a word between us, we quickly herded the goats out. The animals were impatient to graze, and we hurried along with them to our familiar pasture. We wouldn’t have long today―our morning had been cut in half by the visitors―and the afternoon rains wouldn’t wait for anyone.

When we stopped walking, I stood in the warming sun, finally able to draw a breath. “Ugh. Kijani is so stubborn,” I cried, letting out some of my frustration.

“He carries weight of all people,” Damu replied, still defending the brother who despised him.

“Yes, I understand that,” I admitted. And I
did
understand, but goddammit, Kijani’s attitude would see the whole village evicted from their homes. “He is a good warrior, he is brave and fierce. But this is a fight he won’t win with a spear.”

Damu was quiet as he looked over the goats. He was clearly worried, and my heart hurt for him. “You are afraid for your people,” I said softly.

“Yes.”

“So am I.”

He nodded and gave me a sad smile. “You tell them to speak with other Maasai people. Is good you say that.”

“I hope Kasisi agrees. He is a very smart man.” I tapped my temple. “And he thinks only of his people.”

“You like him?”

“Yes. Your father is a good man.”

Damu smiled genuinely now. My confession pleased him. “He like you.”

“He does?” I asked, unable to hide my surprise.

“You have eyes of Kafir. You dream prophecy. He like you.”

“Who was Kafir?” I asked. I’d forgotten that Kasisi had told them I had the same eyes as someone called Kafir. “Amali told me he protected the manyatta, but who was he? The one with eyes like mine? Was he an outcast because of his eyes?”

Damu laughed loudly, making the goats all look at us. “Kafir was lion.”

My mouth fell open. “A
lion
? I thought he was some nomadic warrior?”

“No warrior. Yes, brave lion. It is said that Kafir and Kasisi’s father fought for much time. In the end, both be too tired to kill the other. Kasisi’s father say Kafir is great warrior and let Kafir live. Then Kafir is grateful and honours Kasisi’s father by protecting his people.”

I was speechless. “Wow. That’s a great story! Did that really happen?”

Damu nodded proudly. “Story all children learn.”

“Your grandfather, your
nkoko
, fought a lion?”

Damu was grinning now. “Yes. Lion with two different eyes.”

“Like me. That’s why Kasisi let me stay here?” I asked.

He nodded. “And you dream.”

“My dreams are both a blessing and a curse. Good and bad.”

His smile faded and he deliberately looked over the goats instead of at me. “Do you dream of me?”

I wasn’t sure why, but his question made my heart hammer, and the butterflies in my belly took flight. “Yes,” I answered.

His eyes shot to mine. “Good dream?”

I grinned at him. “Very good dreams.”

It took him a minute to get the innuendo. “Oh.”

I laughed. “Not
all
dreams of you are about sex. Sometimes we just walk in the tall grass. Sometimes we sit and watch over the Serengeti. Sometimes you hold my hand.”

His eyes were molten, and I could almost feel them burning into me as he stared. He put his hand to his chest, as if to tame his heart, and I knew then it wasn’t just me who felt this way.

His voice was just a whisper. “Have you dream of me not here?”

I wasn’t sure I understood his question. “Have I dreamed of us together when we’re somewhere else?”

He nodded. “You see us be somewhere else?”

I wasn’t sure how to answer… I didn’t want to upset him, but the truth was, I hadn’t. “Only here.”

He blinked a few times, his disappointment written on his face.

“Did you want to be somewhere else with me?”

His eyes met mine for a brief moment before he searched the horizon. “Future. Not for now, but future.”

Oh, he wanted to know if I saw us together, not in another place, but in another time. “Do you want to know if we’re together in the future? If I’ve seen that?”

He didn’t look at me, but he nodded.

“I haven’t seen it in my dreams,” I admitted. “But I feel it here.” I put his hand to my heart. “For the first time in a long time, I have hope in here.”

He smiled the most beautiful smile. “As do I.”

* * * *

It was decided Kasisi, Kijani, and Makumu would walk to a neighbouring manyatta. Our closest neighbours were a full day’s walk away, and by the time other elders were called upon and travelled back, they would be gone for a week.

It wasn’t the best of circumstances, but I felt a great relief. There were no watchful eyes, no one trying to glare a hole into the side of my head. The first afternoon they were gone, our chores were done when the rains started, so I fell back on the thin mattress with a sigh.

“Care to join me?” I asked Damu.

He chuckled. “Yes, but someone may see or hear.”

“I’ll be very quiet,” I goaded, suggestively running my hand down over my dick.

His eyes darkened and his voice dropped. “Heath Crowley, I have no power to stop. You know this.”

I bit my bottom lip, trying not to smile. “That’s why I suggested it.”

He scoffed, but quickly crawled over me. He pinned my wrists to the mattress and brought his lips to mine. I leaned up and stole a kiss, making him laugh. “You have no power either, it seem.”

“I want you,” I whispered. I was suddenly vulnerable and exposed, being honest with emotions was never easy. Especially for me, especially after Jarrod… “I feel alive when you are with me. When you are inside me.”

Damu closed his eyes slowly. A shiver ran up his spine. I spread my legs and hooked my ankles around the back of his thighs, keeping him right where he was. I could feel how much he wanted this; his erection pressed against my own.

The storm picked up outside, winds swarmed, and the rain fell at an angle. No one would be out in this weather.

“Please Damu,” I whispered, rolling my hips into his.

When he crashed his mouth onto mine and kissed me like he owned me, I knew I would get what I wanted. He wasted no time in grabbing the last of the makeshift lube, and I quickly rolled over onto my stomach. We’d never had sex in this position―we’d only ever done missionary―and he stopped, unsure.

I lifted my hips and pulled my shorts down to reveal my arse. “Lay over me,” I whispered. “Quickly.”

He did just that, pulling up his shuka and pulling his loin cloth down. Then I felt his long erection in the crease of my arse. “You are not ready,” he murmured in my ear.

“Please Damu, just do it.”

The head of his cock slid over where I needed him most. He was slicked up, but still unsure. I lifted my hips and spread my thighs, out of patience. He put his weight on my back and pushed his hips into me. I felt the pop as he breached me, the burn and ache was everything I needed. “Oh yeah,” I gasped.

He groaned in my ear as he pushed all the way in, and when he was fully seated inside me, he stopped. “What you do to me?” he asked, his lips teasing the back of my neck. “I cannot resist you.”

I raised my arse, urging him to please,
please
move. “Don’t resist me,” I whispered.

“
Kayieu
…” he murmured, his voice strained. “
Kayieu
…”

I want… I want…

“Have me, take me,” I bit out.

And so he did.

Damu pulled out to his tip then slammed all the way back in, causing me to cry out in pleasure. He dug his fingers into my hips, then slammed into me again, making every nerve in my body sing. He ran his hands up my sides, along my arms, to entwine his fingers with mine. His thighs were between my spread legs, his hips at my arse as he hammered into me. He kissed my neck and whispered my name. He was everywhere, all around me, inside me, fucking me exactly as I needed. In that moment, he was everything. He was everything.

Any sounds we made were drowned out by the storm outside, and as the wind howled and the rain poured down. He thrust into me one final time before crying out; his whole body jerked as he came. His orgasm rippled through him, and I could feel the swell and surge of his cock as he emptied himself inside me.

I didn’t need my own orgasm to feel sated. I felt relieved, the desperation had eased; I felt wanted and needed. I felt… part of something bigger than me.

Damu slowly pulled out of me and rolled me onto my side to face him. He kissed me softly, adoringly, his gentle fingers traced lines through my hair. I closed my eyes and relished the familiar warmth of his arms. He pulled my shuka over me like a blanket, and I dozed.

It was dreamless, though something was knocking on the periphery of my subconscious mind. I didn’t know what it was, but there were whispers, like the wind through the Serengeti grass. I couldn’t touch it, I couldn’t chase it, I couldn’t explain it, but I woke up certain of one thing.

There were changes coming.

* * * *

Every day that week in the afternoon rains and as evening fell over the manyatta, Damu and I fell onto our bed and fooled around. We’d run out of our makeshift lube, so while we were limited as to what we could do, it certainly didn’t stop us from doing everything else.

It was easy to forget we were in the middle of a world that would have us dead for doing what we did. Well, for me it was easy to forget… Damu, on the other hand, seemed to be constantly on guard.

One day, we’d brought the goats back early and I was in the classroom with the kids and a few of the women. We’d progressed to basic sentences and math sums now, and I was distracted by the sound of Damu laughing.

He was helping Amali carry the leather hides out to dry in the sun. The sight of him with his head back, laughing with abandon at something Amali had said, stole my breath.

He was everything good in my life. When everything had been dark and cold, he was the sun and warmth. I couldn’t take my eyes off him.

“Alé!” Momboa had called, snapping me out of my thoughts. He giggled, and the children made fun of me for staring at Damu.

It would have been cute, if not for the curious looks some of the mother’s gave me and the furious glare Damu had shot in my direction before he disappeared. A nervousness twisted in my belly, but I laughed it off and went back to repeating the sentences about lions and zebras.

When the afternoon storms rolled in, I ran to our house to find Damu sitting by the fireplace. His arms folded across his chest, his brow creased.

“What is it?”

He shook his head, still not looking at me, he spoke to the dying embers in the fireplace. “You should not look at me with those eyes. Not where others can see.”

Those eyes? “How was I looking at you?”

He whispered, “
A-sanja
.”

“What is a-sanja?” It wasn’t a word I’d heard before…

“Lover. That is man.”

Oh. “Did I look at you that way?” I asked, though I knew I did. I sat on the dirt floor, with my feet tucked up underneath me, feeling the weight of his anger on my shoulders. “I didn’t mean to. But you laughed in the sunlight, and it was so beautiful.”

His shoulders fell, and he slowly closed the distance between us. Kneeling before me, he put his hand to my cheek, his long fingers lifted my chin. His face was an inch from mine, a dozen emotions swam in his eyes. “Heath Crowley, you look at me with those eyes in here, not out there,” he whispered, and the rain began to fall. “They are not to see that.”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“They cannot know.”

“I know,” I murmured, unable to stop the tears pooling in my eyes. “I forget where I am when I am with you.”

He kissed me softly. “I wish it were not this way. I wish to be free with you.”

I looked up at him then. “What?”

He sat back on his haunches, and I held his hands on his knees. “I am never free here. Only with you. I am free with you.”

My heart squeezed with the pain of his words. “I am only free when I’m with you too.”

“I wish to be free with you always,” he murmured. “Not in our home, but in daylight as well.”

I knew exactly what he was saying. He wanted to be free to be himself, not just in the privacy and darkness of our hut. But this country, this culture, was unforgiving of homosexuals. He wanted to come out in a world that would have him executed for doing so. It just wasn’t possible.