Bladed Wings (44 page)

              “It is.”

              “I’m sorry.” It wasn’t just something he would have said. Seth made it sound important, these two words that were true in a way it wouldn’t have been for anyone else.

              “You don’t think I deserve it?”

              “You?” he laughed. “What could you have possibly done?”

              “I didn’t try to help my parents.”

              “Your adult parents? The ones who are probably going through something we couldn’t begin to imagine? The ones over whom you have absolutely no control?” he asked. “Those are the parents you’re talking about?”

              Kayla just gave a meek, “Yeah.”

              “No, you shouldn’t have tried to get them back together. This isn’t some Disney movie where you and your wacky twin will get to reunite your families with some hilarious hijinks. Be glad no one’s dead and leave it at that.” Another joke, more humor, but Kayla heard something else. Rage or regret simmered beneath those words. “You don’t have any reason to feel guilty.”

              When Kayla didn’t say anything, Seth added, “If it helps, it sounds like your friend is bat crap crazy.” Confident and assured, he said it like there weren’t any other possibilities. Despite that crater somewhere in her chest, Kayla smiled back at him.

              “What would you do?”

              It took him a second to flounder through getting his face back to that neutral detachment he always wore unless he was busy mocking someone. She half-expected some obvious answer. He’d say yes because he thought that’s what she wanted to hear or he’d say no because he was Seth and didn’t care about what she wanted to hear. But he surprised her, “What does this mean?”

              This time it was her turn to pause.

              “Saturday is this weekly outing thing we do for our group. I’ve always really liked them. We were close, really close. Like I thought I knew all of them.”

              “But they turned their backs on you.” Kayla couldn’t tell if it was a question.

              “If I don’t go on Saturday, it’ll be like I’m admitting that I won’t be there anymore.”

              Seth didn’t say anything for a minute or two. It was long enough that Kayla started to wonder if he was going to say anything at all. “I think you should let them go,” he said. It wasn’t the glib answer of someone who thought he was better than everyone else. Kayla heard people like that before. One kid from her English class said he was proud he didn’t have any friends. She always felt bad for him. “I think they’ve betrayed you and you can’t rely on them. You believe in good and evil, right?”

              “Yes.”

              “Then I’d say they’re evil.”

              “That’s not true.”

              “You’re their friend. They kicked you out because of something your parents are doing. At best, they’ve just made a mistake, but personally, I don’t care. They hurt you, badly. For that, I don’t see any forgiveness.”

              “Forgiveness is possible.”

              “Not always,” he said, “but then I guess that’s why I’m not a part of your religion.”

              “You could be,” Kayla said. “Because I know that I need to forgive them. It’ll make me feel better, if nothing else.”

              “To some extent,” he said. “Maybe.”

              “Anger is hard to carry around,” she said. “I don’t know about you, but I don’t like the feeling. It hurts even worse than knowing I can’t be close to my friends anymore.”

              Seth didn’t say anything. By that point, she thought he’d break away and go join his friends again. They were almost at the library, but she noticed they’d slowed down. She didn’t know who did that first.

              “There are still things I’d rather do. Or say.” He smirked again, “Don’t want to hurt your feelings.” Another joke, but he could’ve been right. Kayla still didn’t want to think about her friends or what they’d do. Those little sayings about friends forever were dumb, she knew that, but she always hoped they might be true. Somehow. “I wasn’t much help. Was I?”

              “You’re a good friend.”

              “But not much help.”

              “Not with this.”

              “We could hang out,” he said. Part of her wanted him to go with her. She could do it if she weren’t alone and surrounded by people who were mad at her. Or people who acted like they were mad at her because they didn’t want to go against Allie. “You and me. If you wanted.”

              “Are you free Saturday?”

              “I don’t know,” Kayla took that as boy speak for no.

              “Sure,” she said, “Some other time. Maybe next week.”

              “What about today?”

              “Today?” she didn’t mean for it to sound like a question as excitement fluttered back through her stomach. This wasn’t supposed to be her life, jumping from dark and sad to light and happy, but she liked the upswings anyway. When she glanced over at him, Kayla had to admit it. Despite everything else, Seth was somehow the most stable part of her life.

              “This evening. Six o’clock. I’ll get your mind off of mean people who do mean things.”

              “That doesn’t sound like you.”

              “Meh. Maybe you’re a good influence on me.” He opened the door for her into the library, but he didn’t follow her inside.

              Through the rest of the day, Kayla tried not to think about Saturday or what she’d do. It felt stupid when she remembered how she could move something with a flick of her fingers, a little bit of effort crackled through her brain. It was easier to think of something else. Someone else. In the morning, Kayla didn’t to think about him. That afternoon, she let herself go into those little fantasies that made the hours disappear.

              It wasn’t long before the final bell chimed and she was out with the stampede of everyone else who wanted off campus. It was already cold, but she didn’t care. Nothing winter had was as chilling as those hardened glances she got from Allie and some of her friends. But once she was away from the school, she thought about school for a few minutes.

              Until she went back to Seth.

              At lunch, when she freaked out, he was there for her. He paid attention and went after her. If he hadn’t been there, she would’ve been alone through that. She would’ve sat down with that empty black hole inside of her. Maybe it was dumb that someone could make her feel better, but he did.

              And he did that a lot.

              Kayla liked him.

There, she admitted it. She put those three words together, and she couldn’t take them back. She couldn’t act on them and she wouldn’t tell him, but she wouldn’t lie to herself anymore either. Stupid, she thought. She could admit it and think it to herself, but she wouldn’t do anything.

              Simple reason, Kayla reminded herself. Seth didn’t have those same feelings. If she told him, it would just be to try to make herself feel better. She’d do it because she wanted to hope that maybe she was wrong even when she knew she wasn’t.

              At home, Kayla pushed her way into the silence of the living room. Silence signaled her parents were gone. Even with a court date and their kids around, they kept fighting. Sometimes she wanted to shout at them to shut up. Sometimes she wished they’d grow up. Too much, she knew that wouldn’t do any good and it would just get her in trouble.

              Before lunch, Kayla’s night would’ve been studying and picking her way through the awkward silence of dinner her parents might’ve managed. Now she got home, said hi to Everett who just kind of nodded up from his game, and went back to her room.

              They weren’t together, and they weren’t going to be together, but she still wanted to look cute. Nothing wrong with that, she promised herself. She did that whenever she went out. She pulled out different jeans to skirts, to the one dress she owned, and started looking through the blouses. This was the first time she really did it, and she kept telling herself she wasn’t doing it for Seth. Definitely a lie, but she figured it was okay if she didn’t say it to anyone else.

              After about half an hour, Kayla wanted some advice so she called Erin. Her friend, super feminine and always eager to dress someone else, didn’t offer advice so much as promise to be at Kayla’s place in the next twenty minutes.

              “That’s really okay,” Kayla said. “You don’t have to do that.”

              “Ah, no, I think I do. Especially after lunch.”

              “Right,” Kayla heard her voice go flat. “I didn’t think you’d notice that.”

              “I got a little distracted. Too distracted. So I owe it to you, so I’ll be there in,” it sounded like she was checking her watch or the clock on her cell, “Nineteen minutes.”

              A minute early, Erin showed up eighteen minutes later. Kayla let her in and they headed back to her room. Most of Kayla’s wardrobe was still in her closet and drawers. For some reason, Erin thought that was the wrong way to keep things organized so she pulled everything out and laid it along Kayla’s bed.

              “You have to see all of your materials at once.” Before that, Kayla knew Erin was interested in fashion, makeup, and generally making herself enticing and looking good. She didn’t know the extent to her friend’s expertise.

              “Materials?”

              “Okay, so you’re the good Christian girl who thinks it’s wrong to kiss a guy on the first date. I get that and I’m fine with that, but now we’re talking about blowing someone away in the first second they see you.”

              “That’s now what I want to do.”

              “Sure it is,” Erin promised. “You’re going out with a guy tonight, right?” Kayla didn’t mention her plans on the phone, “A guy who’s name I’m guessing probably rhymes with meth?”

              “You make him sound really dirty.”

              “And now you’re defending him.” Erin slid a sleeveless t-shirt onto the bed and clamped her hands on her hips. “Tell me I’m wrong.”

              “You’re wrong.”

              “Why don’t you want to admit it?”

              “There’s nothing to admit,” Kayla didn’t have some way to justify that lie.

              “Did he ask you out? Are you scared of jinxing it?” Erin asked with a snake’s grin.

              “No. He didn’t ask me out.” Kayla felt herself deflate. Behind her, Erin stopped moving like she wasn’t sure what she was supposed to say because she didn’t understand how she could be that wrong. “He saw that I was kind of sad today and said something about meeting up because he wanted to be nice.”

              “That’s a date.”

              “No. It’s not.”

              “Are there two of you?”

              “Yeah. Obviously.”

              “And you’re female. We can guess he’s male. Yup. That’s a date.”

              “We’re just friends.”

              “Doesn’t matter. Even if he doesn’t realize it, it’s still a date.”

              “How could it be a date if he didn’t know what was going on?”

              With her attention focused on the clothes spread out before her, Erin shook her head, “Boys can be pretty dumb sometimes. If he’s paying attention to you, then he likes you. Be happy, it means he’s probably more mature than a lot of guys in our class. A few of them still haven’t figured out that pulling a girl’s pigtails is a bad way to get her attention.”

              “Right,” Kayla said, mostly because she had no idea. After Dean, she didn’t have much experience.

              “He’s a nice guy. Be pretty. Go out. Wow him with your awesomeness.”

              Kayla mumbled how it still wasn’t a date, but she let her friend start to coordinate the different possibilities. She went through colors, textures, and layers. When Kayla said that maybe it didn’t matter because guys didn’t know anything about any of this and wouldn’t care anyway, Erin smiled, “They might not know it, but they notice it subconsciously.”

              “I’m not so sure.”

              “They do,” she said. “Trust me. They’d never admit it even when they realize it, but the right color and the right cut can do a lot for how you’re seen.”

              Eventually, Erin made her choice and Kayla didn’t get a whole lot of say in the matter. Despite those whispered fears at the back of her mind, Erin didn’t go for anything too crazy or racy. Black jeans, a white shirt with a blue blouse over it, and her silver jacket went together. When Kayla looked at herself in the mirror, she felt different. More confident, maybe more attractive, somehow more special. It was weird that clothes could do that.

              Kayla decided not to call or wait for a call. She started in on her homework. That got boring really fast. Hopping the stairs two at a time, Kayla tried not to admit to herself that she was excited. She tried to think that a guy couldn’t make her feel like this.