Blacklisted from the PTA (15 page)
Read Blacklisted from the PTA Online
Authors: Lela Davidson
I
WOKE
before everyone else. We stood in awe of the waves, our amazement bonding us in an idyllic instant. No arguments about toast, shouting over sunscreen, or fights for the remote. For a rare moment everything was perfect. I’m greedy for those times. I seek the formula that transforms motherhood into a Kodak moment. There’s no such equation.
The variables of motherhood shift constantly, and are usually at odds. I had a baby to meet some selfish need, only to find that every future choice requires selflessness. Robbed of the libido that created the child in the first place, I’ve channeled my energy into chopping the broccoli that is spit at me. Everyone depends on me, the woman who cannot remember the word for pancake. I’ve swelled with irrational pride at the first step, and crumbled under the shame of screaming at a twoyear-old.
The grit of motherhood smoothes my rough edges—when I let it. It is a mandate to create order in a world I have no control over. Motherhood is lying to foster hope, and telling the truth because that’s all there is. It means knowing children will break my heart when they leave, and not wanting it any other way.
The afternoon waves came faster and harder. My daughter struggled to shape words in the dense wet sand before they disappeared in the tide. I could have helped, but she wouldn’t let me. That’s the paradox: She doesn’t belong to me, but I’m responsible for her.
While nothing about motherhood is constant, there are split seconds where everything is in balance. If we are lucky, we grasp those moments and seal them in our hearts before the waves of life wash them away.
And then we start all over, carving out a new word in the sand.
,
AND ESPECIALLY THOSE
who read early and awful drafts. Same goes for all my wise girlfriends, without whom I would be lost: Wendy Bailey, Brandi Barnett, Shannon Bieda, Lori Bremer, Wonder Bright, Rebecca Chayni, Kelly Emeterio, Lisa Gray, Catherine Grubbs, Deanna O’Neil, Lydia O’Neill, Bonnie Palasak, Allyson Rhone, Gracie Terrell, Lori Walker and Kim Witt. In addition, I could not have completed this book without the unique support of Diana Calhoun, who knew I could do it; Stephanie Parsley, for that day at Chuck-E-Cheese; Mary Ann Powers; for unceasing inspiration; and Tina Winham, who reminded me how to make it happen.
Lela Davidson is the Managing Editor of ParentingSquad.com and the Associate Editor of Peekaboo magazine. Her writing is featured regularly in family and parenting magazines throughout the United States and Canada, and in Chicken Soup for the Soul: New Moms.