Bite Me if You Can (29 page)

Rachel shifted impatiently, and Lucian knew she wasn’t pleased with the idea of having to wait. Standing abruptly, she asked, “Would anyone like tea?”

Everyone assented, including Lucian, who then added, “We picked up some almond pastries Leigh assures me are good, if anyone feels like snacking.” The five of them turned surprised smiles his way, and he scowled. “So, I’m eating now. I can eat, too. You all do.”

“Yes, we do,” Greg said soothingly.

“Stop being so defensive, Uncle,” Lissianna chided. “Finding your life mate is a wonderful thing. It strengthens you.”

“Yeah yeah,” Lucian said with a sigh.

“Books!” Rachel said triumphantly, and his head snapped her way.

“You evil little witch, you brought up the offer of tea just to distract me so you could read my mind,” he said, but there was little heat behind his words. Rather than anger, Lucian felt admiration. Etienne had himself a clever little gal on his hands.

“Thank you, Uncle Lucian.” Rachel grinned, then turned and headed for the door. “I’ll go put the tea on.”

Lucian watched her go with a sigh, then glanced to Etienne as his nephew spoke.

“I’m glad you two have finally got past that first meeting, Uncle. It’s been a bit awkward at times with her so angry at you.”

He opened his mouth to answer, then stiffened as they heard a shriek of “Oh my God!” from the back of the house. He frowned toward the door, wondering what had made Rachel react like that, and then he knew. Springing to his feet before the others had even processed the sound fully, he sped from the room, nearly tripping over Julius in his haste.

Lucian’s heart did a little stutter when he reached the hall and saw the door to the library open. He’d been right. Dammit.

“Rachel!” he snapped, striding into the room to find her pulling books out of the bookstore bags he’d put in there earlier. He’d done it while they were unloading groceries. Remembering that the books were still in the front foyer with Leigh’s clothes, he had slid out briefly to move them into the library and out of sight before anyone could see them and comment.

Rachel had found them. Though whether she’d read their whereabouts in his mind or noticed him slipping out, he couldn’t say.

“Put those down,” Lucian growled.

“What are they?” Etienne asked, and Lucian turned to see that everyone had followed him and were now crowding into the library, eyeing the books curiously.

“His idea of taking care of the matter,” Rachel said with disgust and—much to his dismay—began to read the titles as she pulled the books from the bag. “Understanding Women... How to Chat Up Women... How to Pick Up Beautiful Women... The Complete Asshole’s Guide to Handling Chicks?” Her voice rose at the end in question and she turned to peer at him with disbelief.

Lucian shifted uncomfortably, his voice stiff as he said, “Carl said it has some good tips for non-asshole-type guys, too.”

Lucian heard a snicker behind him and turned to glare over his shoulder. Unfortunately, he couldn’t tell who it had come from, so he just glared at all of them.

“How to Succeed With Women,” Rachel went on. “Body Language Secrets: A Guide During Courtship and Dating... How to Meet The Right Woman?” Pausing, she shook her head and pointed out, “You’ve already met her.”

“It gives advice on other things. Like stuff to say and what to learn that will impress her... like dancing,” Lucian muttered, struggling to recall what Carl had said about the book.

“The Rules of the Game... The System, How to Get Laid Today?” Rachel continued, her voice dripping with disgust.

Lucian crossed his arms and glared to the side, refusing to comment or even look at her. Then a soft sound from her drew his gaze back. Rachel had frozen with two new books in hand. Her eyes were wide as she gaped at them.

He stiffened. He didn’t need her to read the titles, he knew what they were. They were the only ones left. His humiliation was about to be completed, he realized with a sinking heart.

“What is it?” Thomas asked.

Much to Lucian’s surprise, Rachel hesitated, then shoved the books back in the bag and shook her head. “Never mind.”

“Oh, no way!” Thomas rushed forward and snatched the bag from her. Pulling out the first book, he gave a little whoop of amusement, then read, “The Art of Seduction!”

Lucian struggled to keep his face expressionless, but inside he felt about two inches tall.

Thomas tossed the book on the desk with the others Rachel had pulled out, retrieved the other one and said, “And the last one is... How to Satisfy Her Every Time.”

Thomas’s voice had slowed and become less amused and more quiet with each word. When he closed his mouth, the room fell into a complete and uncomfortable silence. No one seemed to want to look at anyone else.

“It has been a while,” Lucian said finally, his voice stiff as he broke the silence.

“And you want to please her,” Greg said quietly as he crossed the room. He took the book from Thomas and returned it to the bag. “That’s understandable.”

“Yeah,” Etienne echoed.

“I think it’s sweet.” Lissianna patted his shoulder.

“But I don’t think the book is necessary,” Greg added. “I realize that the length of time since you’ve... er... indulged in... er... well... you may be feeling inadequate, but—” He paused to ask curiously, “How long has it been?”

Lucian hesitated, then admitted, “I haven’t indulged—as you put it—since the Romans left Britain.”

Shocked expressions covered every face and silence filled the room, then Greg cleared his throat and said, “That’s... a long time.”

“I know,” Lucian said miserably. He’d be lucky if the damn thing worked.

“Well... ” Greg cleared his throat. “I’m sure it will be fine. It’s like riding a bike—”

He stopped abruptly when a burst of laughter slipped from Thomas. Before anyone could comment, Thomas covered his mouth and turned away, muttering, “Sorry.”

“You’ll remember what to do,” Greg finished.

“I do remember what to do,” Lucian snapped. “I just wanted... Carl said they had some tips... ”

“Who is this Carl?” Rachel asked.

“The clerk at the bookstore. He helped me choose the books,” Lucian said stiffly.

“The bookstore cashier? What was he? Twelve?” Rachel asked with disgust, then gestured to the books stacked on the desk and said, “These aren’t going to help you, Uncle. They’re crap.”

She picked up one of the books, rifled through it, paused and snorted, then read aloud, “‘Don’t buy them a meal until they sleep with you.’”

Lucian frowned. He’d already blown that rule. He’d bought Leigh both breakfast and lunch and a snack in between. He glanced to Rachel as she tossed the book aside and grabbed another.

“Oh this is good. ‘Always remain in control,’” she read. “‘Of the situation, the date, the relationship, the woman’?”

She tsked with disgust, but Lucian relaxed a little. He could do that.

Rachel grabbed another book, but didn’t even bother to open it. She just held it up and said, “The Layguide, Uncle?”

“He’s supposed to be an expert,” Lucian argued.

“An expert? He’s probably single,” she derided. “Besides, sleeping with a handful of women doesn’t make you an expert on them. I sleep with Etienne all the time and still don’t know a damned thing about men. None of you make sense to me. Why would you think these books could help you?”

“She’s right, Uncle,” Etienne said. “These books are all about how a man can get some action. Not on how to get a mate.”

“Exactly,” Rachel agreed. “And trust me. The only expert on a woman is another woman. You guys don’t even think like we do, your brains are built completely differently.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Lucian disparaged

“Oh no?” Rachel asked. “What is the first thing you do when you get lost on a road trip?”

“I don’t get lost,” Lucian said dryly.

“Right.” She rolled her eyes. “But if you did?”

“You can’t get lost,” Lucian explained dryly. “If you have even a basic idea of where you’re headed—north, south, east, west—you just keep going in the direction—”

“Exactly,” Rachel said dryly as if he’d just proven her point. “A woman doesn’t think like that.”

“She’d stop the moment she realized she was lost and ask for directions,” Lissianna announced.

“Ask for directions? Well, that’s... ” Lucian muttered under his breath, then said, “This isn’t about directions, it’s about getting a woman.”

“No,” Greg said quietly. “It’s about winning Leigh.”

“And these books are about getting laid,” Rachel said, waving to them again. Then she peered at him solemnly and said, “Trust me, any guy can get laid any day of the week. This is the twenty-first century, there are willing women everywhere. Every night, men around the world get lucky because some drunk female is lonely and thinks he looks a bit like Jude Law or some other actor. It’s only an idiot who thinks it’s his technique and his taking control. News flash! The man is never in control. The woman is the gateway. She says yes or no... unless it’s rape. And then he isn’t getting any, he’s taking it. That’s why they call rape a power crime.”

“Yes,” Lucian said. “But these books teach you how to be charming and—”

“You already are charming,” Rachel said, and the room went silent as the others turned toward her with disbelief. Blinking as she realized what she’d said, Rachel frowned. “Well, maybe not charming exactly, but you’re fair and you care about your family and love them and... ”

She seemed at a loss, then rallied and said, “Look, these won’t help you. Frankly, I suspect all these books really teach a man is how to avoid women they aren’t likely to get into bed, and to move on to the ones who are interested.”

“Well, Leigh doesn’t seem interested in me at all,” Lucian muttered.

“Of course not. Once bitten, twice shy. Kenny hurt her. You need to show her you would never do that. You need to show her that you can be gentle and caring.”

“Rachel’s saying you should be yourself,” Greg added quietly. “You should be who you are, not act like some book says you should.”

“But what if she doesn’t like who I am?” Lucian asked with frustration.

Silence filled the room and they all stared at him wide-eyed.

“She’s going to love you, Uncle Lucian,” Lissianna said quietly, moving to his side to rub his back, as if she thought he needed soothing.

“Yeah,” Thomas agreed. “You have the life mate thing going for you, Uncle.”

“You’re meant to be together,” Rachel reminded him. “You just have to show her that.”

Lucian shifted. It wasn’t the first time they’d said that, but they hadn’t told him how to show her that he was gentle and caring and they were meant to be together. Maybe he should just read the books and see if they had any tips about—

“Please trust me, Lucian,” Rachel said, interrupting his thoughts. “Those books have nothing to do with proving you’re gentle and caring.”

“Well, then what am I supposed to do? I took her to breakfast today, then shopping, and helped her pick out clothes. I enjoyed it and thought she did, too, but... ”

“But?”

“But then we stopped at my place to pick up clothes, and Bricker and Mortimer were there and she hugged them both and laughed with them and they were flirting like crazy. She doesn’t flirt with me, or hug me, or anything.”

“Maybe it’s easier to flirt with Bricker and Mortimer because she doesn’t care for them,” Greg suggested, then shrugged and added, “Some people can’t flirt with someone they’re attracted to.”

“And she is attracted to you,” Etienne assured him.

“How do you know?” Lucian asked.

“You’re not the only one we can read. Her mind’s an open book,” Rachel said, rolling her eyes. “Half-naked images of you kept popping into her head while we were talking to her. It was really quite alarming.”

“Leigh seems to think you have a fine ass,” Etienne informed him. “She kept seeing your butt in tight black jeans in her mind’s eye over and over.”

“Yeah?” Lucian asked with interest. He had the sudden urge to go look at his butt in a mirror to see what she liked about it, but restrained himself. He’d done quite enough to look like an idiot in the eyes of these young people today. He then recalled that they could all read his mind and realized that he’d just made himself look like an ass again.

“She likes your chest, too,” Rachel announced, passing up the opportunity to make fun of him. “She thinks it’s hunky.”

“Hunky?” Lucian glanced down at his chest and flexed his muscles a little.

“I think what we need to do is get the two of you into a more relaxed, social atmosphere,” Greg announced.

Lucian glanced at him with interest. “Like?”

“The Night Club.”

“The Night Club?” he echoed with a frown.

“You could both relax, dance—”

“I don’t dance,” Lucian announced.

“Surely for Leigh... ?”

“I don’t know how to dance,” he said more specifically.

“Oh.” There was silence as everyone glanced at each other, then Rachel stood.

“Okay, you boys teach him how to dance, and Lissianna and I will go get Leigh ready for the night ahead.”

Lucian opened his mouth to protest, and Rachel said, “Do you want Leigh? Even that book of yours said learning to dance would be good.”

He closed his mouth, unable to argue with that logic, then watched unhappily as the two women left.

“So? Who’s going to be the girl for these dance lessons?” Thomas asked, and Lucian turned to stare at him with horror.

“I think you just volunteered,” Etienne announced. “What do you think, Greg?”

“Sounded like it to me,” Greg agreed.

“Oh, no way—” Thomas began.

“Thomas, I’ve always wondered why it is that you’re all ‘dude’ and ‘man’ when Lucern and Bastien are here, but not around the rest of us. Why is that?” Greg asked, then added, “And do they know this?”

“That’s blackmail!” Thomas cried.

“Yeah.” Greg grinned, then turned to Lucian and suggested, “Just imagine him in a skirt.”

“How do I look?” Leigh peered nervously in the mirror, her eyes on the two women reflected beside her. Lissianna was on her left; tall, blond, beautiful, and very, very pregnant. Rachel stood on her right in the reflection; also tall, at least taller than she was, red-haired and gorgeous. Then there was herself in the middle; shorter, but looking pretty darned hot if she said so herself. Well, hot for her.