Billow (37 page)

I needed a moment away from their questions.

"That's not the plan that worries me."

I sat on one of the wooden benches lining the path. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about your real plan."

Why couldn't he leave it alone? "My only intent is to do my job."

"That's what I'm worried about."

The sincerity of his voice reminded me of things I was supposed to know.

But I didn't have that kind of luxury.

"Don't be." My tone was brusque. "I'm not one of your subjects. And you're no longer a gardinel. You don't need to —"

"This isn't about me." He gracefully settled on the bench. "It's about you forgetting who you are."

I managed to keep my response icily polite. "There is not a single moment when I forget who I am, Your Highness."

"The
sondaleur
isn't who you are. It's simply a title. Like Chief Gardinel or Crown Prince." Dark eyes searched mine. "It doesn't define you. You define it."

Julian tossed aside Redavi trappings and proudly wore the name of chevalier. Aubrey and Ian used online names, imbuing those avatars with their own personalities.

They chose to do all those things.

Julian didn't have to be a chevalier. He could select a completely different way of defining himself. Aubrey and Ian could come up with a million other screen names and reinvent themselves many times over.

The difference was I couldn't do that. I couldn't walk away from being the
sondaleur
.

"I have no choice but to do it."

He leaned back and crossed his legs. "I once thought I had no choice. But you asked me if I was a prince or a gardinel."

The words immediately brought back a spring day at the cove so long ago. And the one stupid kiss that never went away.

"You made your choice." I pushed the images out of my head. "You chose to be prince."

"The choice is not in what you do. The choice is in the why."

He always brought up that one word I didn't want to listen to.

Tristan let out a breath. "There was a time, after Eric, when I felt the same as you."

Remembered pain carved around his eyes and I wished I could ease the look from his face.

"When I set out to find him, my mother asked me to bring back his
pedaillon
," he said quietly. "Eric kept it on his neck even after he turned. It amused him."

Aquidae twisted everything into a corrupt version of itself.

Callan had been a successful businessman before he turned and now used his skills to run the trafficking ring.

Miriam did the same. As a Redavi ondine on the Governing Council, she'd delighted in betraying every secret to the Shadow.

And Eric had flaunted and mocked his gardinel and royal status.

"After I staked him, I removed it. Cleaned off the black blood and gave my mother the last memento of her first-born son."

The gardens hushed. Even the wind died. As if they all listened to his voice, to this unimaginable memory.

"For a long time, I lost myself." Roughness edged his tone. "I didn't want to think. Or feel."

My hands tightened.

"I needed to forget. So I threw myself in as much blood I could find."

That was why he'd acquired the name Warrior Prince, a selkie so powerful no one really knew how many Aquidae he'd killed.

He'd turned into a machine. Like me.

"How…" I stared at a spot on the ground. "How did you find your way back?"

He moved slightly and awareness washed over me.

"When my mother grew ill, I returned home," he said. "Every day, she talked to me about my childhood. How my brothers and I played together. The conversations she'd had with Eric. How much he'd loved me."

I locked my arms to keep from reaching for him. Every part of me hurt.

"With each conversation, she reminded me of things I'd forgotten. I began to remember other things I'd pushed aside along with pain and grief. Right before she died, the last thing she gave me was his
pedaillon
."

Shock reverberated through me. How could he hold on to it? How could he bear it?

I swallowed hard. "What do you see when you look at it?"

"The day he was inducted to the gardinels. How proud I was of him. Our memories and time together." His expression softened. "I see the brother I loved. Not the Aquidae he became."

He'd transformed the greatest symbol of pain and horror into a reminder of what was beautiful.

It took a strength I couldn't fathom. A strength I didn't think I had.

"Pain, fear, anger are parts of what it means to be mortal." His voice was so gentle. "But they don't make all of you, Kendra. You're so much more than that."

I thought of all those fragmented pieces inside me. The barren riverbed of what was supposed to be true.

Empath let me sense glimpses of a person and I used that to put together the puzzle of who they were.

Was that what I was supposed to do? Somehow find a way to piece together all those jumbled parts inside me into a whole?

He leaned forward. "You can't keep punishing yourself because people care. Or because you care for others. Death doesn't control your life."

The words cracked at the hardness. I quickly stood and turned my back to him.

Finding what's true means letting go of the lies that control.

But I had no control.

Life changed. Things changed.

And I was constantly tossed around, powerless at the force of it.

Fighting pain. Enduring it. Pushing through it.

These were the things I knew, the things I held on to.

I didn't know how to be the
sondaleur
they wanted.

I closed my eyes. I didn't know how else to be.

"Tristan." It came out in a harsh whisper. "I can't."

"You can. You will."

The strength of his voice threaded through me.

A reminder my life was no longer black and white, no matter how much I wanted it to be.

"When you go in there tomorrow, don't forget who you are, Kendra. Remember the why."

I kept my eyes closed, long after he walked away.

Breathing. Hurting.

When I finally turned, the waning light glinted off an object on the bench.

It was heavier than I thought it'd be.

My finger brushed against the diamond engraved into its back. The elemental brand.

The brilliant sapphire stone glowed as if lit by a fire within. As if it captured the pulsing energy of life.

The sun went down. Wind embraced with fragrant caresses. Blooms whispered in a silent sigh.

And still, I stood.

Holding Eric's
pedaillon
.

TWENTY-NINE

The stark outline of the factory silhouetted against the night sky. Grey steam billowed out of the tallest smokestack, the cloud of magic settling into a circular boundary around the facility.

I stood with a few other chevaliers and gardinels on a small hill just north of the factory. Dozens of other gardinels and chevaliers were already positioned in a perimeter. Once the magic fell, they'd breach from all sides.

Using night vision binoculars, I double-checked the exterior. Still no guards. They were relying on the magic to keep unwanted visitors away.

Icy control wrapped tight around me. The
sondaleur
was ready.

Tonight, no Aquidae was getting out alive.

A light wind brushed a strand of hair against my cheek. The faint rustle carried the persistent words haunting me all day.

Don't forget who you are.

Out of everything I'd experienced since coming to Haverleau, those words felt like the hardest weight of all.

Skin tingled, remembering the cool surface and heavy weight of Eric's
pedaillon
. A stone that now lay beside a sky blue iPod in the depths of a desk. In a drawer I opened alone under the darkness of night.

Aubrey and Ian approached. Solemn emerald eyes sharply contrasted with ashen skin. Deep lines of strain carved around Ian's mouth.

Doubt and anxiety spiked.

"It's time." Her voice quavered. "Prince Belicoux's waiting."

I nodded.

We made our way down. Tristan waited beside his car with selkie stillness. It was the first time I'd seen him since yesterday.

Without a word, he climbed in and we followed. The silence grew thick and palpable as he drove us to the edge of the perimeter.

I concentrated. Heartbeat, expression, movement. Every part of me was in check and under control.

Tristan brought the car to a stop. "Once you enter the magic barrier, we won't be able to see you."

"I know."

"We'll bring it down as quickly as possible, Your Highness," Aubrey murmured. "I promise."

Tristan glanced at her in the rearview mirror with an odd expression.

Ian and Aubrey got out and I reached for my door handle.

Warm fingers wrapped around my hand. "Kendra."

I froze.

After so many months. His skin against mine.

The heated touch sizzled, a vibrant current jolting through all the control I'd put into place.

I savored the warmth. Just for a moment.

And like the
pedaillon
and music, I tucked the precious sensation away deep inside and turned to face him. "I'll be careful."

Dark eyes lingered. "Find your way back."

My chest hurt. "Be ready to come in."

His fingers tightened and for a moment, I thought he wouldn't let go. But then he released me.

"We'll be ready."

I didn't want to prolong it any further. I quickly climbed out and the sting of the night air brought back focus.

"Let's go."

Aubrey and Ian stayed close. Dagger secure in hand, I led them through the trees toward the southwest border of the factory.

With each step, my mind revisited the blueprint of the facility I'd memorized last night.

Analyzing. Calculating.

A brisk wind blew. Its bite matched the iciness flowing through my veins.

We neared the edge of magic and I slowed the pace. The steam undulated like a living wall. Waves of energy radiated off it and I sensed something vaguely familiar.

The back of my neck prickled. It was probably Miriam's signature.

I glanced at Aubrey and Ian. "Ready?"

A combination of nerves and fear played over their faces. But their nods were strong.

Magic engulfed us.

Energy pushed, seeping under skin. A squeezing sensation crowded my insides and suddenly something popped.

An integral part of me deadened.

Ian grabbed my arm and in that instant I knew what was wrong.

But it was too late.

We stepped through. One look at his wide eyes confirmed it.

Aubrey realized it at the same moment. "God, Kendra."

"I only sensed it after we stepped through," Ian whispered.

Panic roared up in a tornado, whipping through the wall of control.

None of us caught the nix magic, the unknown factor Nanette couldn't decipher.

That's why it felt familiar before we stepped through. It was the same energy I'd sensed when we experimented with Ian's blood.

I just didn't realize it in time.

I tried to find my Virtue. Touch the energy that was a part of who I was.

Nothing.

I strained. But I couldn't feel it.

My magic was gone.

Aubrey swore. "You won't be able to fight—"

"It's all right."

Think, Kendra
.

Shit. This was bad.

"We have to go back," Aubrey insisted. "Come up with something else."

I ignored her. The auction was about to start. We had to put an end to this.

"Ian, how long will the effect last if it's taken in like this?"

His brows furrowed. "It's different than if your body absorbed the blood. Like the Cloaking, the effect will probably stop when the steam dissipates."

As long as I held out, there was a chance.

"I can still provide a distraction." A strategy started to take shape. "You guys will be better protected because Aubrey doesn't have an aura."

She stared. "Are you insane? You're walking in among them and you won't be able to defend —"

"Listen to me." I shoved back the fear and gave them my hardest stare. "I've fought without magic. I can handle it. You need to shut off the smokestack."

"But —"

"I'm trusting you to do this."

She needed to focus because I'd just told a huge lie.

I couldn't fight without my Virtue. I'd have to find some other way to hold off the Aquidae.

The faster they brought down the magic, the faster the
sondaleur
could work.

Everything now depended upon them.

I gripped the dagger tight to keep my hand from trembling.

"She's right, Aub." Determination settled on Ian's face. "We have to do this."

She glared. He pretended not to notice.

Thoughts flickered through her eyes at the speed of light and I knew the moment she reached the same conclusion as us.

"Fine," she muttered.

I scanned the area. We stood near an exterior ladder that would take us to the roof of the main facility.

It was too quiet. Silence rubbed against frayed nerves.

Breaths came faster and my mouth turned dry.

No magic. No power. No strength.

Forcing my wobbly legs to move, I led the way to the iron ladder. I clenched the dagger handle between my teeth and started to climb. Aubrey followed and Ian brought up the rear.

Feet soundlessly landed on the asphalt roof. Steel grates ran across the top of a large, rectangle vent. The roaring clank of machinery drifted up from the factory.

Kneeling, I peered down.

The vent was above a narrow catwalk that extended around the ceiling.

No Aquidae.

Pulse accelerated.

Focus
.

Using the tip of my dagger, I carefully unscrewed the grate. Sweat dripped down my nose and the entire world narrowed to those four metal latches.