Beyond Complicated (5 page)

The problem was, I left him in California, and this guy couldn't be him. He couldn't be him. I spiraled back in time to our first meeting; he was a lanky kid then. He changed over the years, losing the lanky as he beefed up. He was older than the last time I saw him, but not much. A little thicker in the neck maybe. Ah, shit. His eyes were hazel, not blue, not brown, or green but hazel. A light weird shade of a forest inside a desert.

No one had eyes that color. No one and the look on his face must have mirrored mine.

A goddamned ghost.

His gaze met mine, locked on it actualy, and wouldn't let me look away. I saw Kel turn in my periphery and I saw him stand and smile and hold out his hand that was swalowed inside the pair of big hands that used to know everything about me. I saw Kel lean in for a quick hug but it wasn't returned.

"Seth," both Kel and I said at the same time.

Kel's Seth ended with a question mark, mine an exclamation mark. Kel turned to me, and looked at me with an accusatory look in his eyes. That swirling nauseous feeling in my stomach turned from a not so pleasant case of the butterflies at meeting my son's new lover to a molten gray bilge that I knew I wouldn't be able to contain for very long.

"You know each other?" Kel didn't know how to interpret the identical frozen looks of horror. "Of course you do."

"We did," I managed to say. I'm not realy sure how I made my mouth work. I was incredibly surprised that actual words tumbled out. Words that didn't sound completely freaked out. "A long time ago. I ah, if you'l excuse me I have to return a cal."

"Liam? Liam?" Kel caled after me as I made my way to the front of the restaurant. I ignored the plea in his voice, I couldn't stop to explain. I knew I was tearing him apart but I couldn't help it right now. I had to leave. I had to get air. If I didn't, I'd do something stupid. Like plant my fist into his new lover's smug face.

And isn't that a way to meet your possible future son-in-law.

I drove around town for the better part of the night. I had nowhere in particular I wanted to go. I sure as hel didn't want to go home. I turned my phone off after the first text message from Kel.
Dude! WTF?
And I drove.

I loved this time of year when dark settled in early.

Usualy. Tonight, I didn't notice anything at al.
My ex is
fucking my kid. My ex is fucking my kid.

He didn't know. I never told him. Seth, not Kel.

I never told Kel about Seth either. But he knew I'd busted up with someone and he knew it nearly tore me apart. But I never told Seth that I had a son. I don't know why I never told him. I wanted that part of my life kept as far away from the gay porn part. And as long as we were together, porn was a part of our relationship.

It was the porn that came between us. I wanted out and he didn't. I was thirty-four, I'd finished school, earned my MBA, had a grown kid that I didn't have to pay child support for any more. Wel almost. I had the last year of support sent in one lump sum from the last video I ever planned to do. I was finished. I had other things I needed to do and I couldn't do them with the videos hanging around my neck.

CPA by day, cock sucking porn star by night just didn't seem to fit together in the grand scheme of things. Seth was stil wrestling with school and it was winning. His family couldn't help him with tuition and he didn't qualify for aid as a graduate student. He needed the money. I planned to help him. We had a plan. I'd work and he would go to school. I'd cut my trips to Florida down to one every other month. I was committed to making it work.

He didn't see it that way. And in the end, it was probably the king of nasty break-ups. I walked out.

With just the clothes on my back. I had money and a home I could go to while I put myself back together, so I left.

It was nearly midnight when I puled into the space in front of my apartment. I'd driven for hours and couldn't stop the shaking in my soul. My ex, who betrayed me in the most horrible way possible, was the new man in my barely legal son's life. How in the hel was I supposed to deal with that?

"Why didn't you tel me?"

I stopped walking when I reached the stairs and looked up into the halo of security lights. He sat about midway up. His face in shadow. His hulking form taking up most of the width of the stairs. I could see his large hands, fingers laced together, dangling over his size thirteen shoes. I hated remembering his shoe size. I hated that even now, four years after it happened, I stil quaked at the sight of him. I was gutless and a coward.

I knew that and I was al right with that.

"How did you find me?" I jangled my keys in my hand. There was a chil in the air that raced over my bare arms and through my thin shirt, making me shiver.

At least that's what I told myself to explain the shivering.

"Kely told me. Jesus, Liam, was there anything about you that wasn't a lie?" He sneered down at me.

At least it looked like a sneer, the light behind him made it hard to tel what his facial expression realy was, but it looked like a sneer.

"You cal him Kely?" I didn't know what to say. My brain caught on that and held.

"It's what he said his name was. Is he a liar too?

Christ, how can he be your kid? He doesn't even look like you. Why didn't you ever tel me? I guess that's what you did those weekends. Makes sense now. The secret weekends." He laughed, the sound more like a snort than a laugh. "Why did you leave without saying goodbye? You could have at least given me that. I came home that night and found you gone and I thought the worst. Until dickhead at the studio told me that he forwarded the check from that last job to you. He wouldn't tel me where."

"You should leave. And leave Kel alone. He's about a second away from picking out rings with you.

He doesn't need your shit in his life."

"Yeah, I should leave. But I'm a great big glutton for punishment. I love punishment. Just seeing you in that restaurant nearly tore a fucking hole in me.

Seeing you holding Kely's hand. Jesus Christ. He told me you're his daddy. I would have believed lover. He's your damned type. Sick bastard. Jonesing after guys who look like your kid."

I was up the stairs before I knew how to stop myself. He looked at me in disbelief when I wrapped my hand around his neck and hauled him to his feet. He was a big guy. I guess he'd forgotten that I was bigger.

I'd forgotten I could lift him and toss him anywhere I needed him to be. But that had been during sex. Never outside the studio. Never in our bedroom. And always in play never in anger.

"You need to leave. And you need to do it now while I stil remember that I loved you once." I pushed him against the wal away from the railing and held him.

He didn't raise a hand to stop me. His eyes were defiant. His lips drawn tight. His breath came in deep rasping rushes.

"How do you live with your lies? Loved me?

You never fucking loved me. You used me al those years to further your career and when you had enough you walked. You broke my fucking heart. I'd never known anything but you and you just walked the fuck out. Big plans from a big man. Lies. Six years' worth of lies. You got what you wanted and split."

I didn't want to hear the hurt in his voice. Or see it in his eyes. I didn't want to think about that day.

"Don't you fucking blame me. I was done with the videos. You knew that when you and Deakman got together. I was out and you were out. I was at a point where I could focus on us and a future together. I didn't have my past eating me alive anymore. I just had you.

But you had to get greedy. You had to do just one more film. And you left me lying on the floor with my ass ripped open. Bleeding from a goddamned gang rape and laughed as if it was just another job. How many were there, Seth, how many men? I never knew.

I just took it. And I left because I couldn't live with it."

"What the hel are you talking about? It was what you wanted. Deakman told me you'd signed off on it. I didn't want to do it. We'd never done anything like that before. But you wanted the big payday so we wouldn't have to worry about money."

"Deakman lied. And there wasn't that much money. Not enough for what the two of you did to me.

Whatever, man. It's over and done with. You've found yourself a good gig. You can pick up guys under the guise of knowing what it was like. So… you keep on doing that. Just stay the hel away from Kel." Anger consumed me. I couldn't stop thinking about that night four years ago and his voice as he blindfolded me and walked me into our bedroom. Ours. His and mine. And how other voices joined his. Singing Happy Birthday as they stripped me. It was my birthday. My goddamned lover had arranged for one heluva present complete with cameras and extras. Only problem was I wasn't wiling but that didn't matter to anyone.

"Because you want him al to yourself? I never figured you for that big of a monster. But it figures. You always did love surfer boys. The blonder, the better.

Just like me. And because he doesn't look a thing like you, you can get away with it." He sneered at me, hatred beaming from his eyes. The hate hurt as much as the words. How dare he hate me? I didn't do a goddamned thing to him. I squeezed his neck until his eyes began to bulge and he started to turn blue.

Something in my gut screamed in pain and I let go.

"Fuck you, Seth." I pushed him down the stairs watching as he stumbled but caught his balance before I climbed the rest of the way up and let myself in to my dark apartment. Pain slashing in my head, blinding me, tears prickled at the back of my eyes but never came. I couldn't catch my breath. I heaved with trying.

I pushed the door closed hoping to shut out the hurt as easily as I shut him out but it didn't latch.

Instead, it burst in on me as he slammed inside. Rage in his eyes, he seemed larger. I knew his temper. I'd dealt with it for six years. He was hard to make angry but when he managed to get there, it was ugly. Right now was hideous.

"Maybe that's a good idea," he said as he kicked the door closed and advanced on me. I backed up like the coward I am, my knees buckling when I reached the sofa. He caught me before I teetered over, his hands twisted in my shirt. He held me in that half suspended pose for a ful moment before he slashed his mouth across mine in a brutal kiss. His teeth sliced into my lips and I cried out just before I opened my mouth.

Four years of anger and pain along with bitter loneliness made me forget why this was wrong. I kissed him as if I were starving and he was the last slice of pepperoni pizza left on the planet. Dirty, open mouth kisses with teeth and tongue and it was so fucking good. "Missed you." I hadn't meant to say that. He growled low in his throat but didn't acknowledge he'd heard otherwise. "Missed you so fucking much."

"Shut up. Just shut up. Fuck, Liam. Just shut up," he grunted as he clawed at my hair. Holding my head so he could ravage my mouth. I shut up and clawed his back, puling his shirt from his pants and dragging it over his head. His belt next, then his pants. I gripped his ass and with a sigh, I puled him tight against me. His cock strained between us. Wanting me. I remembered the taste of him, the scent of him. I remembered the nights we lay in each other's arms and talked until the sun came up. The days we slept twined together. I remember everything.

"Want you. Never stopped wanting you." I let him drag my shirt off and in a few fumbling seconds, we were both naked. I forgot al about Kel. I forgot about that last day in California. It was just Seth and me and me and Seth the way it was supposed to be. I twisted him and together we tumbled to the sofa. Our teeth clicked together upon landing but that didn't stop us. I wanted him so much I devoured him. Starting with his mouth, then his neck. God, I loved his neck. Long for a guy and smooth below the fine line of blond stubble.

"Liam," his whispered pleas inflamed me and I forgot myself. I forgot everything except how sweet he tasted and I spread him and drove myself home. His fingers dug sharply into my shoulders. He flexed his long neck, his keening cry a cross between pain and ecstasy.

Then it was just fucking. Me fucking him and him fucking me. His slick cock between us rigid, hot, and pouring pre-cum. "So fucking good. Missed you so much."

"Missed you, baby." I always caled him baby.

Always. I'd never caled anyone baby but him. "Seth.

Love you. I've never stopped."

He didn't say the words I didn't know if I wanted to hear. He simply growled and buried his face in my neck as he bucked under me. Driving me deep inside him until I couldn't go any deeper. He clenched around me, arms and ass and mouth on my neck, his body screaming into release that coated us in hot cream. And I folowed, filing him ful, but I wasn't ready to stop; I couldn't stop. Four years of need, and want, and hate, and anger pumped out of me into his body. I slammed into him. Pounding him. I said words I didn't understand and when his eyes roled into the back of his head and he screamed my name, I let it al loose. Al the pain came screaming from my body into his. Hot scalding pain on top of hot scalding agony.

He lay panting on the sofa. His body slick with sweat and cum. One leg thrown over the back, the other on the floor, his arms around me, holding me tight.

I lay panting on top of his broad chest. He'd bulked up since the last time we were together. Golden hair matted with sweat and sticky ejaculate glistened at his neck. The lines around his eyes were new, not deep, not noticeable just new. He'd been twenty-six the last time we'd done this. And only mine.