Beyond Complicated (25 page)

"The psych ward." Another memory added his voice when the first memory paused too long. "How long?"

"I don't know. A couple of weeks at least. I started school. Had a birthday. I skipped school to sit with Liam. They kept him doped for days after he tried to slit his wrist. The psych nurses didn't want me there. I told them I was his son and I wasn't leaving him. When he finaly woke up for real, he didn't talk, he wouldn't look at me. I thought his brain was damaged and I cried. Sat holding his hand and cried while he lay there al gray and dead with dul black eyes. One day he cried with me and he squeezed my hand. After that I couldn't come anymore. Ken found out I was cutting class to sit with him and went apeshit. I was almost kicked out of school. I was a damned straight A honor student and I didn't give a fucking shit because my whole damned world was dying and I couldn't save him."

I didn't have these memories. I remembered coming home to Florida. I remembered talking with a funny looking man with argyle socks every day for I didn't know how long. It was cold when I went home.

"They didn't think I heard but I did. They ran tests on the blood and the crusted on—the bruises and they said he was damaged down there. Nothing that wouldn't heal but enough that it wasn't normal. The police came when he woke up and asked him who'd done this to him but he wouldn't talk to them. Then the shrink got him to start talking. And they stopped cuffing him to the rails and he got better. He went home. He got a job. New clothes. He quit the job and sat in the garage working on that car. Body-wise it was a piece of shit, but under the hood, it was in decent shape. He fixed what was wrong. I helped him. He showed me how to take a carburetor apart and put it back together.

Grand Da tried to talk him into going to a trade school since he loved to work with his hands. Liam just smiled.

But the smile never reached his eyes. He didn't go to work until the car was finished. He had to let someone else do the upholstery and the paint but he put the damned thing back together. He did the bodywork himself. It took him a year. And his parents didn't say a word. Then one day he had a job and that shitty apartment and he smiled again. It touched his eyes sometimes. I turned eighteen and I moved into the dorms that August late. I had a ful ride to Georgia Tech, but I applied for one at FSU and got a smal scholarship and then several smal hardship scholarships kept me in town and off my parents' radar. Bily and I broke up. But we were never anything more than—and that's how it's been for three years. I watched him and I took care of him as best I could. But he started avoiding me. And I let him because I was faling in love with him in a way that scared the shit out of me. And then I met you."

The memory stopped talking for a long time. Or I stopped listening. I hurt al over. My arms were so heavy. I remembered the cuffs. I remembered yanking against them and the only thing I got was more bruises.

I think maybe I cried. I can't remember.

And then everything started to work again. My head hurt so much. The light was blinding even behind closed eyes. The constant blip of a machine felt like an ice pick in my brain. My chest ached. The hand that held mine was so warm. He'd been with me through it al. I squeezed, he squeezed back. "Kel?" I didn't dare hope.

"He's asleep." there was disappointment in Seth's voice. "I'l wake him."

I grabbed his hand and held tight. Barely moving because the cuffs would hurt. "No, Seth. Stay with me. Need you." My mouth tasted like death and cotton. Like someone had stuffed a year old unwashed gym sock inside. I ached. Memory started to pour in.

My secret was out. I think. "I have to move away now, don't I?"

"Looks that way, yeah. Maybe. He didn't mean to, you know. He was defending the hel out of you and got carried away. Liam, why are you holding your arms like that?" I hadn't opened my eyes yet. I couldn't seem to make them work right now.

"The cuffs, it's best not to—"

"Baby, no, you're not—oh, god, this isn't the psych ward. This is the cardiac unit. Your arms are free. Okay, just don't yank the IV out of the right one and you're good."

"I had a heart attack?" I wasn't clear on that aspect of the memory. I remember lying on the floor, lots of people yeling and my mother and sister crying.

And Kel. Kel begging me not to leave him.

"They're not sure. They think not. A massive panic attack is what the doctors think right now. And damn, I was about ready to folow you. Your heart started racing and wouldn't stop even after you passed out. Tachycardia. I think that's what I heard. Kel could tel you better. The panic attack triggered your heart to freak out. They've run two bags of some solution into you to get it to stop racing. You woke up after the first one and it started again. So they kept you sedated until they were sure you were out of danger." He sounded so tired. My first love. My heart ached for him.

"How long have you been here?" More and more of the memory came whipping back. Kel knew I wasn't his father al along. He knew, everyone knew.

Shit, fuck. I was so damned stupid.

"About ten hours. It's early morning. I don't know what time exactly. My phone died and I'm not wearing a watch. Happy Haloween," he laughed a little, his voice breaking. "You love him more than me. I understand. My porn past is stil safe. I don't have to leave, take Kel and get out of here. His mother is such a piece of shit. She's going to make sure he's destroyed.

Greg had the police escort them off the property. Oh god, those poor kids. Kel was with you in the ambulance. Those poor kids. They need to be taken away from them, baby, they need someone sane. Your dad asked me how to go about prosecuting them. I gave him the name of an attorney that handles fraud cases, and family court wil probably get involved. Kel's an adult now so realy besides having his birth certificate legaly changed, there might not be anything you can do."

"I don't want to. I can't keep fighting with them."

"You should never have had to. She knew Liam. She admitted in front of the cops and everyone.

She knew she was pregnant. She wanted to piss Ken off by screwing that pretty faggot who took his spot on the varsity footbal team. He quit school when he lost his position to some guy named Brad. But she mixed you guys up and got you instead. Brad looked more like Ken. But anyway. She continued with the lies. Her mother forced your parents to pay bils that didn't exist.

The child support for a baby she knew wasn't yours.

She trapped you. And if what Kel said is true they acted in colusion to force more money out of you. Ken wanted to teach you a lesson and your extra money offered them a better lifestyle than they could manage at the time. So yeah, maybe, they can be gotten for fraud and extortion but it's going to be hard to prove. And that you resorted to making skin flicks isn't going to sway anyone in your favor. If you'd continued in construction and kiled yourself to make the payments… but you did what you thought best at the time."

"I was twenty-one years old. I had a four year old kid. A mountain of student loans and I was taking less classes every term because I didn't have the time or the money. I lived at home. I lost my scholarship that year. I didn't know what else to do. This guy with a camera folowed me around campus for a couple of days. He was nice looking. He said he was hiring guys like me to pose for a beefcake calendar. It paid good and I didn't show anything vital. He sent me to another guy who did magazine work and I kissed my first guy. It wasn't real. It was posed and it paid even more. The porn came later that year. I could look different for magazines and I used my real name. No one ever noticed. I don't know, Seth, sometimes I wonder if it was the money. Maybe I would have posed even if I hadn't been desperate. Caden wants me to come to New York even now, he wants to use me for another magazine. A big one. The money is insane crazy good.

And I won't be naked."

"Then what's stopping you. Take the offer.

Take Kel with you. It's what you should do." Seth's voice was faint. His heart was breaking.

"Not without you. I won't leave you behind, Seth. I won't model again without you beside me. It's not what you want so it's nothing I'm interested in."

"Use Kel. He's a natural. He would—"

"Yeah, I could. We could pimp him out to the fashion magazines. No skin mags for him. But Seth, you and I, on camera, baby, we were special. It wasn't just me alone. My dark, your light. We are so close in size and build. We worked. We were yin and yang. It's why we had them al salivating for us. It's why Deakman wouldn't let us go. But he was too stupid to figure out it was us together." Somehow, it seemed vital that Seth know this. Maybe I did love Kel more right now, I don't know. I can't even say if it was more, it was different. I didn't love them the same. "You're my heart.

I didn't start living until I met you and when I lost you, I stopped living. When you came back, you kick started my life again. I love you. I love you so much. I won't leave you behind just because of a little—"

"It's not just a little scandal, Liam, this is going to blow up in a big fucking spectacular way. You made porn movies. You've slept with your son, or supposed son. No matter what Kely's mother says or does, that is al on you. People wil not look past either of those.

Goddamned faggot pervert screwing his own kid. You know this, baby." Seth took a deep breath, god, he looked so tired, and so young. Seth was scared. I knew when he was scared or angry and he was both. Scared and angry.

"I know, I knew, shit, I have been so stupid.

Time after time. Nothing but stupid mistakes. I didn't have to drink those damned beers but I was nervous and out of my league and it seemed like a good idea at the time. You know. I didn't have to kiss Kel back that night. I could have left him in the living room and locked myself in my room but the wine made me stupid—"

"Wait, what? Shit, Liam what the hel are you teling me? You and Kely had—before that night in my apartment?" I couldn't face the accusation in his voice. I didn't like hearing his disgust.

"The night before. He sat in my lap. I was buzzed. He smeled nice and he played with my hair and then he was kissing me and his hands were—he owned me, took me to places I've never been. Owned the fucking hel out of me and I let him." I admitted. Seth looked away, tears shining in his eyes.

"You kept that from me. I thought it was just some weird coming together that night. That Kely got carried away. And then it didn't matter anymore. But I don't know, Liam, I knew he wasn't your son. I just… I think… I'm jealous. I am jealous. Has to be. We made love that afternoon and you went home and drowned that memory away only to end up with another man.

Without me."

"I'm sorry." I'm not sure I was sorry, not realy.

I just didn't like the hurt in his voice. "I was so confused. You were back, we practicaly tore each other apart that first night. I hated you, I was terrified of you but I wanted you so goddamned bad. I hated you because you were sleeping with Kel. Because you were sleeping with Kel in every form of the word. I didn't know what made me angrier, that you had moved on without me or that it was Kel. Seth. I don't want to fight. I can live the rest of my life without fighting anyone ever again. I love you. I do. But I'm not going to fight with you."

"Is that an ultimatum then?" He raised his voice, Kel roled on the tiny fold out chair, his eyes fluttered. I didn't want him awake for this.

"God, no," I whispered. "No, I'm not going to fight with you. I mean it. No strings. I'l do what you want me to do. Just tel me. But I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to hurt him. I can't keep hurting people and I can't fight anymore. It's kiling me. It is."

"Liam," he sounded as lost as I felt. "I'l go with you. I can practice law in California. We can go there.

My family in San—" Maybe he saw my face, I didn't think I reacted but he stopped mid-sentence and looked down at our clasped hands. "You can't go back there, can you? Not even for me? Because of what happened."

"No. I can't. Anywhere in the world. I'l go anywhere. Except San Francisco. I'm not strong enough."

"Where then? New York? Back to the life? I can't do porn again. I can model, I don't mind that but no skin mags and no porn. Time to grow up." He smiled at me, his eyes distant.

"That's up to you, baby, I won't make you, I won't without you but I won't ask you either. I have the damned MBA, you can pass the bar. I have money saved. Not a lot. Enough for maybe a year. Kel should finish the semester at least—"

"Liam?" I hadn't realized I was rambling until he cut me off with a flick of his hand. This time I looked at him. Long and hard. I saw him for the first time, realy saw him, maybe since he'd come back into my life. His eyes were filed with tears, and shame, and fear. Lots of fear. Loads of fear.

"What's wrong, Seth? Everything wil be fine, I hope. As soon as I can—"

"You tried to kil yourself," he said very quietly.

"That's what's wrong. You tried to kil yourself twice.

Because of me. Because of that last day in San Francisco."

I couldn't look at him anymore. I remember things about that time that didn't make sense. I honestly have no real memory of a great deal of those first few days. I'd shut down completely. "Seemed like a good idea at the time." I tried to laugh, but it came out as a strangled noise.