Beyond Broken (23 page)

“Gregory, Greyson’s personal assistant, called me just a few minutes ago,” I answered, waiting for the pieces to click into place for Dr. Solomon.

“Why—” His gaze went from confused to understanding in a few seconds time before he glanced down and rubbed the back of his neck.

“I thought I warned you, Sophia.” He glanced up at me, his expression hurt and confused.

“Everyone did. Including myself.” I shrugged.

“I — I guess I did have my suspicions,” he admitted after a moment.

“I figured. But you need to know that I, uh, made the line clear. He was still my patient. I wasn’t—”

“Sleeping with him?” Dr. Solomon asked pointedly.

“No.”

“I see.” He rubbed is jaw and glanced away.

“I — I don’t know what to say, Dr. Solomon.” I shrugged, at a loss for words and trying to keep the pounding in my head at bay.

“I understand, Sophia. You can’t force what’s not there.”

“You can’t,” I agreed, my heart hurting for him.

“But you also can’t just give your heart freely. Greyson is trouble. I’m not saying that out of jealously. Sophia… he OD’d, knowing full well—”

“He made a bad choice. He’s beyond broken, Dr. Solomon. He’s hurting worse than you know right now.” I shook my head.

“You know what triggered it.” He narrowed his eyes in concentration.

“Yeah.” I exhaled heavily.

“If you can’t tell me, that’s okay I’m just—”

“He thought I was… er… going behind his back.”

“Behind his back? Ahhh…” Understanding lit up his expression.

“Yeah.”

“Not very trusting is he…” Dr. Solomon shook his head.

“He had pictures that made him think otherwise even though it wasn’t true.”

“Pictures? Wait…” He paused. “You don’t think…”

“Yeah, coffee the other day.” I shrugged.

“So I’m officially the ‘other guy’. Not so great.” He shook his head and paced the room. “What did he say when you told him that you were drowning in your tea not flirting?”

“That I was a liar.”

“That felt good.”

“Awesome.”

“And he promptly went to his only escape, drugs.”

“Yep.” I sat on the couch and laid my head back, closing my eyes.

“The truth will win out, Sophia…but what you need to do is figure out whether that’s enough.”

I opened my eyes as I felt the couch sink beneath Dr. Solomon’s weight. “What do you mean?”

“If Greyson is that ready to believe the lie… then when is he ever going to trust the truth? And are you willing to risk that? I’m not saying that he can’t change. He can, and I hope he will… but…” He trailed off, shrugging.

“I see. I guess it’s always easier to believe lies rather than the truth, huh?”

“Not always, but often. Yes.”

“Can I ask for your help… even though I really don’t have the right to?” I leaned forward.

“Anytime.”

“Gregory… he said that in a few days, depending on Greyson’s progress, they’ll be wanting to take him to a different facility…Willow and Oak. Can you help me get things streamlined…?”

“I can, but on only one condition.” Dr. Solomon turned to face me fully. “You won’t make any decisions on Greyson. Both for or against him. Also, I want you to know that I will be requesting another nurse take over his care and will assign you somewhere else.”

“But—”

“If you want my help… those are the conditions. Sophia… he has to grow without you if he’s going to grow at all.”

“Alright,” I agreed, my heart breaking at the thought at being so close to him, yet so far away.

“I’ll see what I can do. In the meantime, heal up. You, as beautiful as you are, look terrible.” Dr. Solomon’s expression was brave, but I could see the strain in his features, and I knew the price he was paying to assist me. My respect for him grew and I wished I felt more for him than just friendship, but I didn’t.

“Thank you,” I told him with heartfelt gratitude.

“Anything, anytime, Sophia.” He hesitated then pulled me into a hug.

“I’ll see you in a few days.” He left and I locked the door behind him.

Chapter Sixteen

The next few weeks went by quickly. I recovered and returned to work but never saw Greyson, though I knew he was there. Dr. Solomon kept me updated on his progress but never in great detail, just enough to keep my nerves from eating me alive. As the days passed, I started to pray more. It was my lifeline when everything else was belly up and confusing. In prayer, I found peace, and slowly I was able to let go of all the baggage, guilt, and fear that had been slowly suffocating me over the past weeks of Greyson’s relapse. I discovered I wasn’t as strong as I thought, but that God’s strength carried me, and I was much better off being carried.

Dr. Solomon waved me down as I was on my way to another patient.

“Yes?” I asked.

“After your shift, if you have time, you have a patient who has been asking about you.” He gave me a small smile and walked away.

My mind spun with hope that it was Greyson. I carried on with the rest of the afternoon and clocked out as soon as I was able. After I left the locker room I found Dr. Solomon leaning against the wall, waiting.

“Are you ready?”

“Yeah,” I answered but wiped my hands on my jeans from the nervous sweat.

“Alright… hear the guy out, but remember what I said. Don’t make any decisions. Time, Sophia. You both need time.” He speared me with a solid gaze.

“I understand.”

“Follow me.” We passed the room I had assumed to be Greyson’s and went into a different wing. The rooms here were smaller, less luxurious and more streamlined. My brow furrowed in confusion, but I followed Dr. Solomon until we reached the end of the hall.

“I’ll be right here. He’s expecting you, go ahead and go in.”

“Thank you,” I said quietly as I reached for the door.

Dr. Solomon nodded and I took a deep breath, pushing the door open.

The room faced west, letting in the light from the setting sun and bathing the room in an orange glow. I heard my own heart beat as I glanced about for Greyson. A moment later he came through the door that led to the bedroom and my heart stopped. I drank in his presence, studying his form. As soon as he saw me he paused, his gray eyes searching mine with a hawk-like clarity. I couldn’t read his expression and uncertainty crept in my heart, choking out the joy I had felt only a moment ago.

Then he said my name.

“Sophia.” He caressed my name with his voice, the sound like a physical touch from the softest warm silk.

“Hi, Greyson.” My words were calm but my heart was racing and my breath hitched.

“I… I didn’t hear you come in.”

Everything was so stilted and awkward, and I didn’t know how to proceed. “If I’m interrupting—” I gestured to the door.

“No!” Greyson shouted and took a few quick steps forward, desperation evident in his tone and clear in his eyes.

I placed my hands at my sides and glanced at my shoes. “How are you doing?” I asked after a moment.

“Better… hey, do you want to come in… you know. All the way?” Greyson asked, a smile tipping the corner of his lip in a way that was familiar and warming.

I glanced at the door, realizing how close I was still standing. Poor guy probably thought I was about to bolt through it. I laughed at myself and took a few steps forward.

“You weren’t chasing me away, don’t worry.” I shot him a wry glance.

“Yeah, that’s not what your body language was saying.” He raised his eyebrows and like that, the tension was broken.

“Greyson… seriously. I’ve been out of my mind trying not to worry. How are you?” I wanted to reach out and touch him but Dr. Solomon’s warning echoed in my mind, stopping my movement before it started.

“I’m alive. For that I’m pretty thankful. I wasn’t ready to go yet.” He shrugged. “The rehab. Yeah, that’s been the easy part. Getting shi— stuff together. Not so fun. “He rubbed his face and I studied him unabashedly. I caught his careful speech and wondered.

He had lost some weight. His jaw line was more defined, but his lips were exactly as I remembered, full and perfectly accented by the shadow of a beard that he was sporting. The cut of his t-shirt accented his lean but muscular build and my eyes strayed to his shoulders before I glanced up, using all my self-control to not be distracted.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“All my stuff? It means all the crap I’ve been carrying around, keeping with me ‘til I didn’t even realize I was carrying it anymore. It was part of me, and getting rid of it, not easily done.” He shook his head then ran his fingers through his hair, tousling it and making my own hands itch to touch it.

Glancing down, I bit my lip to realign my focus.

“How’s that all coming?” I asked, risking a glance up. His somber eyes studied mine, searching them. His gaze was heavy, intimate, and I couldn’t glance away but was locked in, only able to breathe.

“Better.”

“Better… than?” I asked carefully, trepidation seeping in.

“Better than before… I—” He paused and glanced down, breaking the spell of his gaze. He bit his lower lip with his teeth, shaking his head in a rueful way. For a moment he studied his hands, seeming to search for the words and my curiosity flamed, yet my compassion was greater for the humility he was experiencing, surely something that he wasn’t familiar with.

“Sophia, I need to apologize. Again.” His demeanor reminding me of when he apologized for kissing me.

I waited.

“It’s like this… I was using you.” He paused and glanced away, his expression guarded.

“You were using me?” My heart stopped then picked up a strong beat that was painful in its intensity.
What is he saying?

“Yeah… I used you rather than actually walking away from the drugs. I exchanged cocaine for you… While that switch was a step up… it wasn’t fair to you.” He exhaled heavily and watched me.

My heart was breaking. Hadn’t I told myself this a thousand times? That very same thing, I had tried to convince myself. But no, my stupid heart hadn’t listened. I was in love… alone. With a strength I knew only came from Heaven, I held the tears at bay and focused on Greyson, acting in the love that I had for him, I put him first, sacrificing my own heart in the process. After all, that’s what love was. It was too bad I had to experience the heartbreak that went along with it.

“No… that wasn’t fair,” I said, keeping my tone even.

“I took advantage, and for that I’m sorry. You came breezing in, not caring who I was.” He stood and laughed humorlessly. “You probably had no idea who I was anyway!”

“I did a search on you,” I confessed.

His lips twisted into a sarcastic smile. “That doesn’t surprise me… but even after you knew, you didn’t change the way you were. When you’re messed up, you want someone with the answers. Sophia, you had all the answers and I fed on that. And what happened? As soon as I got on my own, away from you and my parasitical attachment to your heart, I took a fat leap off the wrong cliff.” He shook his head and walked to the window, gazing out.

Glancing at my lap, I bit my tongue to simply feel the pain, to distract from the heartache.

“What’s even worse is that I didn’t even trust you. Here I was depending on you, using your strength as my own, but when I had the chance to repay you, I failed,” he whispered. “I didn’t even listen. My mind was made up, because I was just waiting for you to show your true colors. You know, fail at what you had promised. Everyone always does. Why would you be any different? You know?”

I nodded to myself, not trusting my voice.

“But you
are
different, and it was me. All me.” He turned toward me and put his fist over his heart. “Me.” His eyes were the color of steel, hard and unmoving.

“You’re forgiven,” I whispered, releasing him from the chains he’d made for himself from the guilt.

“I don’t deserve it.” His voice was ragged, edgy with self-incrimination.

“No one does.”

Greyson watched me, as if trying to determine if I was simply being kind or if I meant the words.

“I’m not simply saying that, Greyson.” I said, feeling stronger, more determined. “Forgiveness isn’t about letting that person get away with what they did. Forgiveness is about releasing yourself from the burden they carry, and if that person is sorry, regretful for their actions, then you release them from the guilt they carry on their own. You can’t earn it, can’t demand it. It has to be given freely and that’s what I’m offering. Greyson, you’re a mess.” I shook my head and took a step closer. “You’re not telling me a whole lot that I didn’t already know in one way or another. But what you don’t seem to understand is that love —
real
love — sees all the bad, the imperfections and brokenness… and loves regardless. That love can have many faces. It can be friendship or more, but it’s always unconditional. Always free. It’s a gift because we can’t earn it.” I placed a hand on his shoulder. He tensed under my touch so I removed it quickly. A searing pain of loss pierced me as I did.

Greyson nodded and glanced down to the floor. It was strange, seeing him so uncertain, so hesitant. My heart ached for him, almost as much as it ached to know I was going to be without him.

“Dr. Solomon… he told me everything,” Greyson said quietly after a moment.

“Oh?”

“Yeah… actually…” He rubbed the back of his neck. “He told me I was an ass.”

“Accurate.”

“Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it.” I shrugged.

“But really… I was in a bad way, feeling like crap and he waltzes in, leans against the door and gives it to me with both barrels. It didn’t help that at the time I was seeing two of him rather than one.” Greyson shook his head.

“Scary,” I said dryly.

“You have no idea… he was the last person I wanted to see. I begged Gregory once I heard that I was being transported here. I think I fired him at least five times but he just wouldn’t leave…”

“Remind me to thank Gregory later.”

“Don’t worry… I’ve sufficiently apologized enough for the rest of mankind. Any more and his ego won’t survive it. It will implode.”

“Always a nice way to go.”