Beyond 4/20 (39 page)

“No, I’m willing to wait.”

Her disappointment was obvious, which made him feel guilty since his hesitation was based on nothing more than fear. “I want this. I really do, but I don’t want to risk losing you.”

“If it’s my time, it would happen another way.”

“Don’t.” He buried his face in her neck. Squeezing her harder, he added, “Just don’t.”

Obviously they were still at a stalemate, so there was no point in continuing this night. She would have to wait until he came to a place of trusting God with her life. As much as he loved her, she wasn’t quite so sure he would ever agree to another pregnancy. Lifting his face to look at her, she grinned this flirty little grin. “Let’s try again.”

Chelsea heard Sara Beth come into their room even before Tuck awoke. As soon as her little feet hit the floor, Chelsea was aware of it. It was no surprise to see her since Lucy was spending the night with a friend. Many mornings, they all woke to find Sara Beth in bed with Lucy. Not a very heavy sleeper, all it took was an unusual house noise to get her up and moving to her sister’s bed. Lucy never seemed to mind.

Moving quietly to her daddy’s side of the bed, she poked his shoulder. “I’m awake.”

Her whisper was loud, unusually loud. They had tried to teach her to whisper softly but she hadn’t yet gotten the hang of it. Her whispers more resembled her normal tone, but she bent in close, and to her, that was what made it a whisper.

Groggily, Tuck lifted the covers for Sara Beth to climb in.

“I’m not sleepy.”

“Daddy’s sleepy. Snuggle in here and you’ll fall asleep.”

The light in the hall was on and cast enough light so that Tuck could see Sara Beth shake her head. He reached out and touched her pretty little cheek. “Need some coffee?”

“Yes, please.”

Without hesitation, Tuck climbed out of bed and scooped Sara Beth up into his arms. When she wrapped her arms around his neck, he asked, “Missing Lucy?”

“Yes.”

“I know.”

Taking her back into her room, he lowered her to the floor and watched as she made them some imaginary coffee. They didn’t have tea parties like he used to with Lucy. Sara Beth had a camp fire like any self-respecting cowgirl would, and she poured them coffee. Sometimes they ate imaginary beans from tin plates. Truly, there in the middle of her room was a stack of real firewood and logs surrounding it to sit on. His little girl was no imaginary cowgirl anymore. She was a tremendous rider and passionate about the farm.

He noticed she was quiet, as if something else were on her mind. “Do you want to talk?”

Sara Beth had been thinking about what her cousin had said. “I have another dad. He’s in heaven.”

Tuck’s heart sank at her words and even more so at the look on her face. It was rare that she looked sad, but this night she did.

“Yes, John. He was a wonderful man, and he adored you as much as I do.”

“I was just a baby.” She wondered how John could know just a baby.

“You were, but he loved you very much.”

“I just want you to be my dad.”

Suspecting that this new dad revelation was somehow making her feel less his than Lucy, he assured her, “I am your dad, completely your dad, and that’s okay with John. He told me so.”

“He won’t be mad that you’re my daddy now.”

“Not at all. Because he did love you so much and wanted to make sure you had a good life, he asked me to love you and take care of you.”

Immediately after they married, Tuck began adoption proceedings, which moved much more quickly than when Chelsea adopted Lucy. Since then, he always knew this day would come, the day when she would understand she wasn’t his biologically. It hurt as much if not more than he anticipated it would. In his heart, she was just as much his as Lucy, so it meant everything to him that she know she was truly his.

“Sara Beth,” He choked up and had to clear his throat. “You are
my
baby girl. You are
mine
. Yes, he was your dad at first, but don’t ever think I’m not
yours
. I am. You know that, right?”

With watery eyes, she nodded and hugged his neck. “You’re my favorite daddy of all.” That meant something new to her. He really was her favorite since she had to pick from two.

Sara Beth wondered about the other daddy. “So he was nice?”

“Yes, very nice.”

“He wasn’t mean like me?”

Since Lucy had left for Chloe’s house, Sara Beth’s stomach had been burning. She was mean to Lucy because she didn’t want her to go.

“You are not mean.”

“I was mean to Lucy.”

Tuck had walked through the doorway just as Sara Beth threw Lucy’s phone. They were allowing Lucy to take it with her in case she needed them. Expecting Lucy to hit the roof, Tuck was stunned as he watched Lucy go over to Sara Beth and hug her instead. Tears sprang to his eyes at the recollection of it and how sweet his daughter was. Lucy promised her she would come home early and ride with her.

“Lucy forgave you.”

Sara Beth began to cry. “Why was she so sweet even when I was mean?”

“Being mean, do you know what you call that?”

Her face fell. “Sin.” For the first time ever she actually whispered softly.

Tuck’s stomach began to flutter in anticipation of the conversation ahead. Recalling how easily such a talk went with Lucy, he suspected it wouldn’t be quite so easy with Sara Beth. She was this amazingly bright little girl and so headstrong. If he had to guess, he would suppose she was much like John. She was one who would have to really consider and ponder the Gospel, where Lucy accepted it easily enough.

“Lucy is sweet to you and forgives you because she belongs to Jesus. She knows God has forgiven her of her sins so she forgives others.”

“Does God forgive me?”

“Have you asked Him to?”

“Yes. That’s why I couldn’t sleep. I’m afraid He won’t.”

“He will forgive you.”

Tuck had led many adults to the Lord, but only Lucy as a child. With his own children, he felt terribly inadequate.

“But you need to be His. You need to ask Jesus to come into your life and forgive you of your sins. Then you have to choose to be His completely.”

“What if He don’t like me because I’m mean?” she asked.

Tuck chuckled softly, assuring her, “He more than likes you. He loves you.” Pulling her over to sit in his lap, he asked, “Sometimes I see you do mean things. Do you think I don’t like you or love you then?”

Her expression was priceless, as if she thought he had lost his mind.

“Of course you still like me and love me. You have to since you’re my dad.”

“And He has to as well, because He
is
love. He loves you no matter what you do or say. He can’t
not
love. Does that make sense?”

A thought occurred to Tuck, surely Spirit-led. “As a matter of fact, when you ask Jesus to come into your life, did you know He will actually send His Spirit into your heart to live? So when that happens, He will help you live much more nicely. When you get mad at Lucy, because the Spirit is tucked in your heart,” He tapped her chest. “He will help you to be kinder. Just like Lucy. When you were unkind, she was kind and hugged you – all because the Spirit of Jesus in her heart helped her to be kind.”

Nodding, Sara Beth agreed, “I think that’s what I need, some help.”

Tuck exhaled in relief, and his heart was pounding hard in his chest. This was it; she was really getting it.

“That’s exactly what He wants to do is help. The Bible even calls Him the Helper.”

“I know. Ms. Darla said so.” Ms. Darla, her Sunday school teacher talked a lot.

“You can talk to Jesus right now. I can be here with you while you do.”

Considering that, she shook her head. “No, I’ll do it in the morning. Tonight, I think I’m sleepy.” She rolled her eyes. “If this coffee doesn’t keep me up.”

Laughing out loud, he agreed. “I know. I’ve drunk more than I meant to.”

He was disappointed, having hoped he would help her pray that night, but he knew she was well on her way. More than being sleepy, he knew she needed time to process. That was how she worked through everything, and he admired her for it.

Chelsea had been standing quietly in the doorway for most of their conversation. When Sara Beth first mentioned John, her heart was bursting at the thought of Sara Beth asking questions about him, but when the conversation took the turn it did, she was so completely enthralled by the way Tuck gently guided her that all she could do was cry. She was crying still. Sara Beth was close to salvation, and how could she not be with a daddy who so resembled Jesus? Chelsea cried harder at the thought.

Tuck was the godliest man, and she adored him. From the very beginning, she had loved him, but over the course of the past year, something different was emerging. She found herself oftentimes drowning in him. She hung on his every word and admired him and cherished him and desired to be more like him just so she could be worthy of how completely he loved her. With John, from the very beginning, all she had known was a ticking clock and waiting for loss to come. Marrying a man God never intended as His ultimate plan for her brought turmoil, love absolutely, but with complete upheaval of heart. She had learned that fear comes when one tries to hold on to something of our own choosing. As beautiful as their love story turned out to be, there were consequences that came along with it. After such devastation at the loss of her husband, how could she have ever anticipated such gain would follow? Each and every day with Tuck she knew she was exactly in the center of God’s will for her and that peace comes when we grasp instead to that which God gives.

She thought again of the term
drowning
. First, she recalled Tuck’s words that day he held her outside of the barn. He had said he was completely drowning in his love for her, a fact that was evident as he wept and clung to her. Now, that was exactly what she was feeling for him, drowning in her
love
for him. However, it wasn’t unhealthy love as she had been accustomed to before. As a matter of fact, what she felt for Tuck was the healthiest, most Spirit-filled love she had ever known.

The moment Tuck rounded the corner and heard Chelsea crying, he rushed to her. Finding her on his side of the bed, weeping, holding his pillow, he knelt beside the bed and took the pillow from her.

“What is it?”

Grabbing desperately for him, wrapping her arms around his neck, she cried even harder, saying, “I am so in love with you. I am so in love with you. I’m drowning in this love for you.”

A soft sigh escaped him as he held her tenderly, grateful to hear those words. After a minute more he moved her back to look at him. Chuckling a bit, a little baffled by all the drama of the night, he assured her, “I know.”

“You do?”

“Of course I do.”

She was looking up at him as if truly surprised.

“I felt it begin to wash over me quite some time ago.” He pulled her back into his embrace. “I’ve just been waiting for you to know it too.”

Months back, he was making breakfast for the girls, letting Chelsea sleep in, when he looked up to find her standing in the doorway of the kitchen. When she came closer and stood with him as he scrambled eggs, there was something in the way she looked at him that gave her heart away, similar to when she stood with him in the ER all those years before. That was when he knew she was really his again, all of her. From that moment on, he never had to wonder. Funny that it was such a simple moment, just one of those everyday activities such as scrambling eggs.

Tuck stood and scooped her up with him. As they reached the bedroom door she asked where they were going. He merely said, “I’ve got to take you somewhere.”

To her surprise, he walked with her out the front door and stopped when they reached the porch. Without a word, he sat on the top step and simply held her. For some time they sat in silence that way. Clearly, he was having a moment, so she quietly allowed him to hold her. He was praying over her.

When he finally opened his eyes after praying for some time, Tuck told her, “This is where I came after: after I lost you, after I found hope again, after I lost you again to John. This was my altar where I met with God.” Countless hours had been spent there praying.

Feeling a pang of guilt settle upon him, he admitted, “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For the times I begged God to take you out of my heart. I did, you know.” As much as he prayed for her to be his, he spent nearly as much time praying to be released from such torturous love.

“I’m glad He didn’t listen to you.”

As elated as she should feel at such a monumental discovery of falling head over heels
in love
with her husband, instead her heart felt terribly heavy.

His admission sparked one of her own. “It was because of Lucy.”

To admit such a shameful secret to Tuck was one of the most difficult things she had ever done, something she didn’t think she would ever have the courage to do. Once again she was crying.

“When I looked at her back then, all I could see was you loving someone else.”

“I know. I always knew.” That Christmas, he had seen it in her eyes when she watched him with Lucy.

All those years later when Chelsea finally did move back home, as much as she tried to avoid her, Lucy wouldn’t allow it. She pursued Chelsea until she had no choice but to risk getting to know her, and that was all it took, getting to know her.

“How could I have felt that way about a little girl? It was never her fault.”

“The real question is how could you have become her mom? Anyone else would have continued to feel what you felt. They would have always resented her. Chelsea, sometimes I can hardly believe how much you love her. What you felt then, it was only natural. It was my fault, not yours or hers.”

“If I would have come home…”

“We wouldn’t have Sara Beth. If I hadn’t done what I did, we wouldn’t have Lucy. No matter the choices we made, look at how God blessed us in spite of them. How can we look back and regret what gave us our kids?”