Between a Rock and a Hard Place (34 page)

She didn’t see Angel as a rival anymore, but she still needed to discuss an array of unexplored feelings with him. At least she stopped blaming him and they were on their way back to mending their relationship.

She flipped through a few screens until she found the half-finished sketch she was working on.  It was a leather vest with a collar and braided trim.  On the back of the vest she added a large skull with downward angel wings.  The skull would be embellished with studs and the angel wings would sparkle with rhinestones.

The vest was for Angel, the man who awakened so many different emotions inside her that it made her head spin.  He was sexy beyond words and his handsome face and dark features were worthy of a Greek god. He didn’t have the broad shoulders that Tommy possessed, but his taut body was well-defined and each muscle offered another curvaceous hill that she longed to explore.  His beauty and allure were more than superficial.  He had a good heart and he was generous.  He was from a loving family and he was thoughtful and romantic, but there were times when he was the thorn in her side. It was unfair, because it wasn’t his doing.  It was circumstance that necessitated him and Tommy to be bound together.  Tommy’s and Angel’s lives were fused by music.

Alyssa sat down next to Jessi and unzipped her black thigh-high boots.  “What are you drawing now?”

“Just something for Angel.  A vest.”  She turned the Tablet around to face Alyssa, who leaned over on one elbow to take a closer look.

“He’s going to love that.”

Jessi tossed her Tablet on the couch.  “I’m not enjoying this tour.”

“I don’t think anyone is.  Except maybe that prick, Angus.  He’s making them do extra promos and write an album while on the tour.  The guys have no choice.  Neither do we.  It goes with the territory of being married to a rock star.”

“I know, but Tommy and Angel are together all day and night.  You see how close they are now.”  She was tired of competing for Tommy’s attention.  She was tired of feeling guilty for hurting Angel’s feelings and she was tired of making Tommy feel guilty for things he couldn’t control.  A dismal sigh conveyed her anguish.  “Sometimes I think it would just be easier to walk away and step out of the picture and let Tommy and Angel be together without me.”

Alyssa’s eyes narrowed into two slashes of thick black eyeliner.  “Don’t say that.  Tommy loves you, and so does Angel.”

She knew that Tommy would be devastated without her.  She knew exactly how badly it would hurt him, but she wondered how upset Angel would be if she left and he could have a normal committed relationship with Tommy.  “What makes you think Angel would miss me?  How do you know he wouldn’t hold the door open for me as I left?”

“Because I see the way he looks at you.  When you first met, he talked about you just as much as he talked about Tommy.  He loved your hair and your style.  He couldn’t praise you enough for helping him with the band and his stage outfits.”  She paused and folded her tattooed arms across her chest.  “And you kept that bitch Kendall away from him and banished her from his life when she tried to blackmail him.”

Jessi fumed at the mention of Kendall’s name.  She never wanted to hear or think about that bitch ever again.  “I can’t believe you just brought up Kendall.”

“Sorry.  I didn’t know you still had a sore spot when it came to her.”

“She ripped one of my garments.  A designer never forgets that.”

“We’re getting off track.  Have you noticed the way Angel looks at you now?  Since he came back from Asia?”

The question took Jessi by surprise.  She did notice a look in his eye, at times, that wasn’t there before.  She thought it was her imagination or plain old wishful thinking, and then their lives got so busy and messed up that she didn’t notice anymore.  “What are you trying to say, that he’s interested in me now? I’m not going down that road again, Alyssa, so don’t try to make it sound like I have a chance with him, especially now when things are all fucked up between us.”

“I’m just saying that it’s obvious how much he missed you.  Angel wears his heart on his sleeve.  He loves you.  Anyone can see that.”

Jessi sighed, more confused than ever. She compared the love she had for Tommy to the love she had for Angel.  There wasn’t much difference.

It was time she sat down and had a long overdue heart-to-heart with Angel.

It was hard to find time to talk to Angel without Tommy around, but the opportunity presented itself later that night when Tommy stopped off at Damien’s room and Angel came back to the suite alone.

Angel was at the desk, skimming through pamphlets that advertised popular tourist attractions.  He was the party planner, always seeking out fun and interesting places to explore in each city.  Jessi watched him unfold the leaflets and study them.  He made two separate piles, marked some and dog-eared others.

It was times like this that made her realize how much she loved him.  Other times, he was her nemesis.

Her deep breath caught Angel’s attention, but he was unaware of the reason behind it.  He was making a diligent effort to forego any hostility between them.  He held up a few brochures.  “Our choices seem to be either a museum or one of the historic churches.”

She couldn’t hide the frown that formed on her brow.  “I need to talk to you.”

Angel’s face dropped and took on that same hurt and sad look that weakened her heart.  “Are you still mad at me?”

“I have a lot of unresolved issues with you, but I’m not mad at you. I love you, Angel.  Through all this bullshit, I still love you, but we need to settle things.  Otherwise, this isn’t going to work, and I have a feeling that it’s either going to be the both of us, or neither of us, in Tommy’s life.”

Worry and concern inhabited his handsome face.  He pushed the pamphlets aside and left the desk to sit next to her on the sofa.  “Please tell me what’s bothering you, Jessi.  I’ve hated this battle between us.  I don’t want to live my life fighting over Tommy.”

“Neither do I.  It’s just that . . . since you and Tommy went to Asia together, you’ve bonded and connected on another level.”

“We did. It was wonderful.  We spent time alone together on the beach and watched the sunrise.  We went shopping in Hong Kong and Tokyo.”  His face lit up as he recollected their time together.  “We experienced our first gig in a foreign city. It was an amazing accomplishment that we both dreamed about since we were kids.  I never thought that we would be playing a show in Hong Kong or Beijing.  A year and a half ago we were playing small clubs in Williamsburg.”

Hearing Angel recap their time in Asia stirred some leftover turmoil inside her.  “Well, while you two live out your dream, where does that leave me?”

“You’re living it with us.”

“No. I’m not.  You’re with Tommy all the time.  I barely see him.  The two of you got closer, and me and Tommy grew further apart.  It made me resent you.”

“Don’t you know how much Tommy loves you?”

“Yeah, but – ”

“But nothing.  I never thought he could love me the way he loves you.  You’re everything I’m not.  You’re his wife.  You have a history together.  When I first met both of you, you were more bonded together than anyone I had ever met.  Nothing was going to tear you apart.  I was the newcomer, barging into your relationship.  If it didn’t work out, I was the one who was going to get tossed aside, not you.  For months I was a nervous wreck, worrying every day if my heart was going to be torn to pieces, and I seriously doubted my decision to pursue this relationship.”  He snorted. “As if I had a choice.  I couldn’t stop loving Tommy any more than you could.  Then finally, one day the doubts subsided and I realized that I was an equal part of this relationship.  I was a third.  But me and Tommy still didn’t share the same bond you two had.  I knew it was something that happens gradually, over time, and it’s not something you can rush.  When we went to Asia together and spent time alone, that’s when it happened.”  His voice lowered to a soft whisper.  “Now I don’t feel like the third wheel anymore.  I know Tommy loves me just as much as he loves you.”

“You were never the third wheel.  I was.”

He shook his head.

The light reflected off his misty eyes like a mirror, and she knew he was too choked up to speak.  His vulnerability and raw sensitivity made her heart crumble.  The dull pain that squeezed her heart immobilized her.  She had no idea that Angel battled the same fears and uncertainties that she was dealing with, and she wished she would have confronted him sooner.  Her eyes welled with tears because they could have been comforting each other instead of silently waiting for the ball to drop and their lives to explode.  “I can’t believe you’re saying all of this.  I feel the exact same way.  You understand Tommy.  You made him love himself.  I’ve been trying to do that since I met him.  Why do you think I pushed the issue of bringing men into our bedroom?”

She waited for him to answer, but he didn’t.  He only looked back at her with confusion.

“I wanted Tommy to be at peace with his sexuality, whatever it was.  He was sick holding it inside him.  You made all that disappear.  That’s one of the reasons I love you so much, Angel.  I could never do that for him, but you did, and it was effortless.  You didn’t even try.”  Her emotions were getting the better of her, and her voice was beginning to falter.  “You balance out Tommy’s life.  You keep him centered and grounded.  You’re everything I’m not.”

The force of Angel’s embrace surprised her.  “I’m so sorry, sweetheart.  This has been unfair to you, and I should have seen it before.  I guess because I was the one coming into your marriage, I thought I was the outsider. I never imagined that you would feel the same way.  I never thought you would feel threatened by me, and I never thought your feelings for me would be so strong.” He slowly lifted her chin so he could look into her eyes, and he had that look again.  He smiled softly and bestowed her with a tender kiss.

“Something else happened when we were in Asia,” he said.  “I realized how much I love you.  I
missed
you.  In the middle of the night I would wake up and look for you.  I would wonder what you were doing and if you were lonely.  When me and Tommy made love it was beautiful, but at times something was missing, and that something was you.  We share more than just Tommy.  We share our life.  You’re just as much a part of my life as Tommy is.  We’re not together just because of him.  Don’t you feel the connection, too?”

“Of course I do, Angel.”

“There’s more.  I had a dream.  It was as real as me and you standing here right now, and it was probably the happiest moment of my life.”

The sentiment in his eyes and in his face was the most loving she had ever seen.

“I dreamt that we were a family.”

“We
are
a family. We just got derailed a little.”

“No.  A real family, with two babies.  One of them Tommy’s and one of them mine.  Since that night, I’ve loved you so much more.  You’re going to be the mother of my child.”  He took her hand.  “Will you?  Will you give me a son or a daughter one day, when the time is right?”

She struggled to steady her quivering lips.  The tears were almost blinding, but she blinked them away.  She swallowed hard to stifle the sob that was fighting its way out of her throat.  He wanted her to have his baby.  She and Tommy touched on starting a family when they first got married, but neither thought a child fit into their lives at the time and they never seriously talked about it since.  The time still wasn’t right, but the idea that Angel wanted her to be the mother of his child – or children – showed her how much she meant to him.  She knew Angel loved her, but this new declaration was intense and solidified a place in his heart.  It told her that she was just as important to him as Tommy was, and she knew he was sincere.  Their union was no longer a lopsided tripod hovering on two legs, waiting to fall.  It was on solid ground, and stood strong and proud.

“I came back from Asia loving you more than I ever knew possible, and before I had a chance to tell you, things went south.  You hurt my heart with some of the things you said and it made me defensive.  I’m sorry.  We should have had this conversation from the start.” Angel looked deep into her eyes.  “I love you, sweetheart.  I can’t explain the kind of love it is.  My feelings for you are deep and consuming. I can’t put a label on how much I love you. As a gay man, I don’t understand it.  It’s not sexual.  I want to be upfront about that.  I don’t want to mislead you, but it’s so much more than just friendship.”