Betty in the Sky with a Suitcase: Hilarious Stories of Air Travel by the World's Favorite Flight Attendant (2 page)

An engineer:

“It was my first flight as an engineer and there were a bunch of senior flight attendants on board. When they found out it was my first time as engineer they spent the entire flight going out of their way to make me feel welcome—catering to me, pandering to me, cracking jokes about me, and it was a wonderful, light-hearted flight. When we arrived at our destination, they all hurried off the plane, but I still had to get my gear together. I was hurrying to catch up with them, but when I went to put my jacket on, I couldn’t get my hands through the sleeves. They had sewn the sleeves together. I finally punched my arms through the sleeves and went to button it up, but they had sewn the button holes closed. I went to put on my cap not knowing that it was full of baby powder. And as I made my way through the airport I discovered my wings were upside-down and my name tag was attached to the back of my collar. Well, the next morning I was all put back together again and heading to my next flight when I ran into one of those attendants. She gave me a hug and told me I’d been a real trouper about putting up with their pranks. Then she said, ‘Oh, you have a little something on your collar’ and she brushed it off for me. I didn’t think a thing of it until I reached my plane and discovered that when she was supposedly brushing something off my starched white collar, she was really marking it up with blood-red lipstick. I had walked clear through the airport like that. And I had to go on the next flight like that. And then had to go home to my wife like that.”

A pilot:

“It was one of my first trips in my new job as an engineer on a 727. Halfway through the flight, a flight attendant came to the cockpit door and said she was in contact with Ops and had been informed that the entire crew had to submit urine samples to be tested for drugs as soon as we arrived at our destination. A few minutes later, the pilot got up and went to the lav and came back with a cup full of his ‘sample.’ Then the co-pilot did the same. They indicated that it was now my turn, but I thought they were pretty dumb for peeing into a cup with no lid, and since I’m smarter than that, I peed into a bottle with a screw-on cap. When I returned to the cockpit with this, the pilot and co-pilot launched into a tirade about the company’s drug testing policies. They got so worked up about it that they both declared they were not going to submit to the drug test—and they upended their cups and drank the contents down in one gulp. That’s when I knew I’d been had. Their cups were full of apple juice. My bottle wasn’t.”

Betty:

“During a period when things were not going well in the airline industry, everyone was depressed and flying had become discouraging. I decided I needed to do something to lighten things up. At an airport shop I bought a little white wind-up mouse and began to take it with me wherever I went. When a pilot stepped out of the cockpit on the way to the lav, or when a fellow flight attendant was standing in the galley, I’ll secretly let this wind-up mouse go and watch the fun. They would scream, jump up on seats, and when they realized it’s a toy, they’d laugh. It never failed to lighten the mood. Once I was flying with a flight attendant who was a very sweet and pretty. She had already been victimized by the wind-up mouse and was familiar with the joke. On the same flight a brand new flight attendant was on board. After we finished with our service and had a moment to ourselves, this new hire walked up to my sweet, pretty friend and started complaining about how all the experienced flight attendants kept picking on her and playing pranks and practical jokes just because she was new. She was pouting and sulking over this treatment and my friend put her arm around her shoulders and sincerely commiserated, saying, ‘Yes, you poor thing, I know just how mean those senior flight attendants can be. Isn’t it terrible?’ And then with her arm still around the poor thing, she turned her head to me and secretly hissed, ‘Get the mouse!’ So I got the mouse and let it go on the galley floor. Well, it was a great show and there were arms flying every direction, and plenty of screaming, too. But I’ll never forget the image of this young pretty flight attendant, acting so sympathetic to the plight of this innocent new hire, while simultaneously whispering,
‘Get the mouse!’

Your attention, please.

Public announcements collected from

The Plane Truth: Shift Happens at 35,000 Feet

 
by A. Frank Steward:

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only six ways to leave this airplane.”

“Should the cabin lose pressure, hopefully oxygen masks will drop from the overhead compartment. Please place the bag over your mouth and nose before assisting children, or other adults acting like children.”

“We’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants and the meal choice today.”

“If you need direction during the flight, a flight attendant would be more than happy to tell you where to go.”

“For our meal selection, we have the choice of the brown meaty gook or the white stuff with yellowish sauce.”

“The only place to smoke on today’s flight is on the wing. Please step through, feet first, and follow the arrows. If you can light ’em, you can smoke ’em.”

“If you seated in an exit row seat and are unable to perform the exit row duties, please ask a flight attendant to reseat you. If you are unwilling to perform the exit row duties, the captain will be back to discuss your attitude.”

“Thank you for flying with us today. The next time you get the inclination to blast through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, carrying approximately 50,000 pounds of flammable liquid, we hope you will think of us again.”

A passenger:

“I was stranded in Phoenix one night when a connecting flight was grounded due to fog at our home airport. About a hundred passengers were milling around the gate area, waiting to fly standby to anywhere that would get them closer to home. A gate agent got on the PA offering a $150 travel voucher to anyone who would bump themselves from the only flight going to Kansas that night. You should have heard the ripple go through the crowd when a prisoner, escorted by a couple of cops, suddenly thrust both handcuffed arms in the air and shouted,
‘I’ll take the deal!’”

A military pilot:

“An Air Force captain who was a friend of mine was flying a 141 out of Fort Benning, Georgia. He was flying the plane for the paratroopers who were taking training jumps out of the back. Besides the paratroopers, the plane also carried a couple of loadmasters, who were in charge of loading the plane and getting the paratroopers out of the door when it was their turn to jump. Because loadmasters are always near the open doors of the plane, they were required to wear reserve parachutes just in case something should happen. Well, the paratroopers thought it was funny to grab the loadmasters and throw them out of the plane as the last paratroopers were jumping out. Needless to say, the loadmasters didn’t find this funny at all but it happened several times. They tried the normal channels to stop these hijinks but that didn’t work. So they came up with a scheme.

It was the middle of summer. The flight was hot, muggy, and bumpy. About 140 paratroopers were crammed elbow-to-elbow on the benches. Then the captain started deliberately fish-tailing the airplane, so everyone got a little queasy. One of the loadmasters started acting like he was about to barf and made a mad dash for the lavatory in the front of the plane. While he was out of sight, he took out a baggie full of warm vegetable soup that he had hidden in his uniform. He made noises as if he was vomiting, then stepped out of the lavatory, looking very grim, and holding the brown, liquid-filled baggy.

The loadmaster handed the baggie to the paratrooper at the head of the row and said to pass it back to the loadmaster at the end of the plane to throw out the open door. So there went the warm bag of”vomit,” hand to hand down the line of queasy paratroopers, to the rear loadmaster.

With everybody watching him, the loadmaster at the back of the plane looked at the baggie, opened it, sniffed it, and then drank it all down in one gulp. At that point about half of the paratroopers barfed into their helmets. When they got to the drop zone, everyone was so sick that nobody jumped. They landed back at Fort Benning with a full plane, which was really disgraceful. The captain came back to the paratroopers, who were still completely green around the gills, and said, ‘This is going to keep on happening to you until my loadmasters stop getting thrown out of the plane.’ End of problem.”

A pilot:

“Sometimes when troops are picked up after a long patrol or a tough operation, the loadmaster will offer them some special in-flight catering in the form of cold cans of beer. It’s strictly against the rules of course, but the soldiers only get a couple of cans each and they appreciate it. Then the load-master makes a show of taking more beer up to the flight deck. The crew will also have gathered some empties and hidden them on the flight deck. After a few minutes, the pilots toss one of these empties out of the cockpit. A minute or two later, another one comes rolling back, and then another. The loadmaster ‘tut-tuts’ disapprovingly as he clears up the constant flow of empty beer cans. The troops start to get a bit worried. In a little while, after more empties sail out of the cockpit, the pilots deliberately start to roll and pitch the plane. It doesn’t take long before one of the soldiers pulls the loadmaster aside and says ‘Don’t you think they’ve had enough to drink?!’”

A pilot:

“For seven years I flew C130 Hercules transport aircraft for the Royal Air Force. The Hercules is fairly basic and sparse inside; it’s basically just a metal tube with canvas bench seats for our passengers. We really cram soldiers into the aircraft, and when it’s full there are four rows of bench seats with soldiers facing each other, knee to knee. Once the engines are running, you can only talk to the person next to you if you shout. Sometimes, once the aircraft is fully loaded with passengers, and while we’re waiting to start engines, the flight engineer will make his way from the cockpit down to the back of the aircraft. Of course this involves practically climbing over the passengers to get there, so they can’t fail to notice him. When he gets to the back, he opens up the emergency escape hatch, which is a sort of porthole in the roof of the aircraft, and climbs out on top of the aircraft. A couple of minutes later the engines are started and the loadmaster makes a show of noticing the open hatch and closing it. It’s now impossible for the passengers to get up and speak to the loadmaster, and before long we take off. Of course, what they don’t know is that there is another escape hatch in the roof of the cockpit, and the flight engineer has climbed back in there. The flight proceeds as normal, but once we land, the flight engineer messes up his hair, maybe pours a cup of water over himself, and rumples himself up. As soon as the aircraft reaches its parking spot, the flight engineer climbs out of the cockpit hatch and makes his way down to the back of the aircraft. The crew gives him a minute to get there, then they shut down the engines. As the noise from the propellers dies away, the passengers hear a frantic banging noise. The loadmaster climbs up and opens the hatch at the back of the aircraft where a very shaken, unsteady flight engineer climbs inside and makes his way up to the cockpit, trying all the while not to crack up with laughter!”

Betty:

“I really enjoy traveling all over the planet, but one place I always wanted to go—especially after having read a book about it—was Easter Island. It took quite a bit of arranging, especially since planes land there only every few days, but I finally made it, and the trip was really worth it. The island had a magical feel, not only because the volcanic rocks are magnetic, but also because the famous Moai statues trigger a lot of emotions. Well, I collect vintage stewardess outfits and I took a classic 1970s outfit with me on this trip. I got on a bus tour of the Moai. At one stop, I dashed into the bathroom and changed into this outrageous costume, including gloves, pantyhose, and hat. Well, the entire tour bus was full of native Chileans and when I appeared wearing this outfit, they first looked at me like I was completely nuts. But then they started laughing, and in the end, they all took my picture.”

Surprise!

Marsha Marks, in her book
Flying by the Seat of My Pants
, tells about the time a practical joke went awry: “We’d climb into an overhead bin before people boarded and then jump out at unsuspecting passengers as they opened the bin to store their luggage. We played this joke on newly hired flight attendants and pilots stowing luggage for their first check ride. One day I had just climbed into the overhead bin at 37C because the brother of my fellow flight attendant would be traveling with us, and she wanted to ‘surprise’ him. The door hadn’t been snapped shut for more than one minute when I heard tapping and a stage whisper, ‘Marsha, get out of the bin! Get out of the bin now!’ Then the bin door opened and I yelled, ‘Gotcha!’ No one moved. I was facing three Secret Service men – not the flight attendant’s brother – who were now talking furiously into their wrists. Hey, how could I know that former president Gerald Ford was traveling first class on our flight that day? It was a long time before we ever played the overhead bin joke again.”