Better Than Good (19 page)

“I love that you brought your guitar! What will you play for me?” Aaron looked delicious in a pair of flannel pj’s and a tight-fitting long-sleeved T-shirt. His hair was a little mussed from the shower, and I was hoping he’d leave it that way. He looked boyishly adorable.

“I don’t know why I brought it, honestly. Total impulse, I guess.” I was a little self-conscious.

“Don’t be shy! I’ve heard you play, remember? I know you’re good. Play me a song, Matty.”

I started to play an Elton John song. The original version was played on the piano, but I’d been working on the guitar adaptation.

“Pretty. What is it?”

“‘Your Song’. It’s by Elton John. You know it?”

“No. What are the words?”

I was going to say I couldn’t believe he didn’t know that song, but really, why would he? He liked techno-pop dance music. Plus this was an older song. Maybe he’d heard it when he was a kid but didn’t recall.

I started from the top and sang softly to him. The words were a perfect sentiment to how I felt about him. I couldn’t say the words, but I hoped he would get the message through the music.

“It’s a little bit funny, this feeling inside….”

I didn’t look at him until I finished the last line.

He had a tear in his eye. He did understand.

I set my guitar aside, reached for him, and pulled him close to me. I just wanted to hold him, smell him, feel him. Yeah, “this feeling inside.” Whatever it was, it felt pretty fucking powerful.

10

O
NE
thing about being with Aaron that I couldn’t deny was the sex was the best I’d ever had, bar none. Everything felt new and exciting. I knew Aaron had plenty of experience, but he made me feel as though everything we did in bed was earth-shattering to him as well. The more I got to know him, the more I realized he wasn’t one to placate feelings. He was very straightforward and sure of himself. He knew what he wanted and wasn’t afraid to use his sexy self to get it. And the one thing Aaron really liked was sex. It wasn’t unusual to wake up on a Sunday morning with him nudging his ass back against my groin in invitation. I couldn’t believe how fast or how hard I became just from the press of his backside against my cock.

I woke up one such Sunday with his ass wiggling insistently for attention. He knew I was awake and had taken the liberty of preparing himself for me while I worked to get a condom on my achingly hard dick. Aaron lifted his right leg for easier access as I slowly made my way inside. He was so tight and perfect. His reactions alone could throw me into a sexual frenzy. The way he responded to me was intoxicating and powerful. I couldn’t get enough of him. I draped my right leg over him, covering his body as I rolled him onto his stomach. He let me fuck him while lying flat, but then he shifted his ass back toward me so he could get his knees under him. I loved being behind him like that. It was so primal, and it was invariably the position that had him screaming for more and “fuck me, Matty, do it” over and over. I came in a huge rush, like I was literally falling apart. I rested my forehead on Aaron’s back for a second and then reached around to stroke him as he rode his orgasm out on my cock, pouring himself into my hand.

We both fell boneless onto the mattress, panting. I kissed his neck and gently eased myself from his ass. He flinched and I shot him a look when I got up to get rid of the condom.

“Matty, I’m fine. Fuck, that was crazy good.” He rolled to his side and then started when he hit the wet spot. “Yuck.”

“Time to change the sheets, babe. I’ll help you,” I suggested as I handed him a warm washcloth.

“Actually, I was thinking….”

“Uh-oh.”

“Quiet, peanut gallery,” he said, smacking my arm. “Let’s go shopping.”

“Um….”

“I know, I know. You hate it, but I promise to be quick! I need a new set of sheets at the rate we’re wearing them out, plus I have to get a birthday gift for my mom.” He batted his eyelashes at me. What was I supposed to say?

An hour and a half later, I found myself in my own personal version of hell… a department store catering to household goods and women’s wear. Ugh!

Sheets were easy. Aaron was very specific about thread count (700-plus only), color (charcoal), and brand (whatever it was, it was pricey). We were in and out of the bedding and linens section within fifteen minutes. The women’s department was another story. It was teeming with females, young, old, and everywhere in between, and the occasional sorry-looking husband or boyfriend trailing miserably behind them.

For the first time it struck me that I was still in the category of the miserable schmuck following his partner around in the mall, but my “partner” was a guy, not a girl. Aaron wasn’t just a friend I was accompanying to the mall. I had done this before, but with girlfriends. Aaron and I had done a lot of other things I’d done with women too. We’d gone to the movies, dinner, running, and the gym. Why did this feel different? I had a sudden moment of clarity that it was because I was doing something I didn’t really want to do to please Aaron. Not just to please him, though, but also because I wanted to be with him more than I didn’t want to be sniffing fragrances at the perfume counter on a Sunday morning.

Sure, we’d gone running in the rain and I hadn’t liked that, but that was physical exercise. I would be a wimp to not go with him. This was different. This going to the mall business reminded me of being a little boy trailing behind my mom, begging to go home. Invariably my siblings and I would fight, my mom would be angry with us, and chances were we’d be punished for being total brats. Not fun.

A wave of panic filled me. I felt suddenly sick to my stomach and out of sorts. I wanted out. Out of this overcrowded, overly warm department store. I looked for Aaron, who was busily chatting with a pretty young salesgirl about the nuances of a fruity versus musky scent. He didn’t seem to notice my internal freak-out session. The young girl was flirting with him, and he went right along with it, asking her opinion and charming her in general, the way he always seemed to do. Waiters, shop owners, bartenders… they all loved him. His affable, sweet manner and silly sense of humor drew people to him. I focused on him and could feel myself begin to relax. I was where I wanted to be. I was with Aaron, and for some inexplicable reason, he wanted to be with me too. Deep breath.

“Matt?”

I gave a start and turned away from Aaron and his new best friend, the perfume girl, to find Kristin standing at the counter behind me. She gave me a hesitant smile. We hadn’t seen one another in a couple months. It was obvious neither of us knew how to approach the other. This could be awkward.

“Hi. How are you?” That seemed safe enough.

“Good, good. What are you doing in a mall? You hate shopping.”

“I’m waiting for a friend.” A friend. Shit. This was about to get really awkward. I glanced nervously in Aaron’s direction, wondering how to handle this. Was this a coming-out moment? I felt that wave racing toward me, and my earlier bout of panic returned full force.

Kristin followed my gaze and gave me a sad smile. I caught on almost immediately that she assumed I was with Ms. Perfume, maybe waiting for her to finish work. This was a chance to dispel that theory. Was I brave enough? Was I ready?

“Hey, honey! There you are. I’m ready. I think I found one she’ll like.” Aaron put his hand on my arm as he was jostled by a hurried shopper.

Those surreal moments happen to everyone at some point in life. The ones where two worlds collide and no one is sure of how to react. This was certainly one of those bizarre events. Past girlfriend, current boyfriend (although neither of us had used the term yet), and the guy who knows them both but has no fucking idea how to introduce one to the other. Hence, he wishes himself anywhere but where he currently finds himself.

“Hi, I’m Aaron.” Aaron obviously had decided the uncomfortable silence had gone on a minute too long. He looked between the two of us as if for clues to the strange exchange we were all engaged in.

“Sorry. Aaron, this is Kristin.” My voice sounded weak to my own ears.

“Hi, Kristin! I just dragged Matt with me to find a gift. Sunday at the mall. So not his favorite.”

Was it my imagination, or had Aaron just turned into a girl? He had turned on his effeminate side full force. Awkward had gone to downright uncomfortable. He was projecting a “don’t mind me, I’m just his queer friend” vibe. It was strange and unsuited to who we had become.

“I remember,” Kristin replied weakly. “I’ll let you go. Nice to see you, Matt.”

I stared after her for no other reason than I didn’t know how to deal with Aaron, who stood beside me, ominously silent. What had happened here? More than a chance meeting with an ex who appeared to not quite be over “us” while with the man I was currently seeing. This was about me not addressing a significant change in my life. At that particular moment, however, it was more than I could deal with at all.

Aaron didn’t say a word as we left the congested department store and headed out toward the parking lot, I was quiet too. I needed a little space and time to process what had just occurred. I followed him up to his place and gathered my belongings while he unpacked his purchases. We made small talk about his mom’s birthday, but we both seemed a little relieved when I made my way to the front door. Or maybe that was just me.

“I’ll call you.” That sounded lame, but I wasn’t in the frame of mind to correct myself or explain my confused state of mind.

“Alrighty. Bye, Matty.”

Aaron stood on his toes and kissed my cheek. His eyes looked a little sad and watery. I should have said something to get the balance back. I could have made a joke about adventures at the mall and how I’d warned him I was a terrible shopper. But I said nothing. The absence of laughter, teasing, and touching was felt, and the air was heavy with unspoken questions and grievances. I leaned down to kiss his cheek in return and made my escape.

I spent the rest of that day burying my head in law books. When I emerged from my room that night, Curt, Dave, and Jason were sitting around a pizza, taking turns playing killing games on the Xbox. I grabbed a beer and plopped myself in the ratty old armchair. Someone offered me the controls at some point and I took over. The stupid game did more to agitate me than seeing Kristin and pondering my relationship with Aaron had earlier. I lost badly to Dave and chucked the control angrily at the chair, yelling, “Fuck it,” as I stormed out of the living room.

I heard my friends asking each other what the hell was my problem. And that certainly was a good question. What the hell was my problem? Was this the big freak-out Aaron had asked about a couple of months ago? A delayed reaction of sorts. I owed him an apology. I’d call him tomorrow, I decided. I needed to do a little soul-searching first.

There was a soft knock on my bedroom door, and Curt peeked his head in a second later.

“Not going to wait to be invited in?” I asked sarcastically.

“No, in the mood you’re in, I doubt you would grant me entry. What’s up? Girl trouble? Guy trouble?”

I moved some textbooks out of the way and leaned back against my headboard, staring up at the ceiling while trying to gather my thoughts. Curt was the perfect confidante, but I was reluctant to share. He sat in my desk chair and pulled it closer to the bed so he could put his feet up.

“Comfortable?” I sounded like a sullen kid.

“Yep. Now, spill it. I’m a patient guy until you mess with my Xbox, asshole. What’s going on with you?”

“Sorry about that. I hate losing to Dave.”

“And Jason and me. You hate losing, period, but you don’t usually throw shit. Did you have a fight?”

I sighed heavily and finally looked Curt in the eye. Talking to him would help.

“No. Two things happened. The mall, and we bumped into Kristin.” I raised an eyebrow, hoping he could infer everything from that tiny bit of info. He didn’t disappoint.

“So, first of all, what the fuck were you doing in the mall? It’s not Christmas Eve. Must have been talked into it. That would be the small head leading you, I bet. Then you ran into Kristin while in the company of your new ‘friend’.” He air quoted. “You were flustered because you were in unfriendly territory, aka The Mall, and you freaked when past ran into present. Am I right?”

“Fuck. You are good. Yes, that’s exactly it. I freaked. I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I didn’t know what to do. I just froze. It was uncomfortable and weird. Aaron is probably pissed too.”

“Why? Did you pretend you didn’t know him or something?”

“No, but I didn’t go out of my way to introduce him as my boyfriend or significant person either. He knows her name, he knows who she is, but… ugh! I froze, I freaked. Aaron asked me if I would do this. I thought I was cool with everything, but I don’t know.”

“Hold on. Dude, give yourself a break. This is the first time you’ve been in a ‘relationship’”—I rolled my eyes at his air quotes this time—“with a guy. No one is comfy cozy when ex and current meet. This would be no different if you had been with a girl and ran into Kristin.”