Betrayal (12 page)

‘I do
actually’ he grumbles as he stares down into the face of our son, ‘can I name our
son?’

‘It depends on
what it is?’ I answer and he rolls his eyes, ‘you aren’t going to call all the
shots here Maddison’ I stay silent biting my tongue because that is exactly
what I am going to do.

‘I can read
your mind you are attempting to pacify me’ he adds.  My lips twitch at the
accuracy of his words and I feel his tension.  Our son wriggles as he too
senses the unease.

‘Ok son’ Brad
murmurs before I notice his face drain I imagine with memories of Daniel and my
insides churn with empathy.

‘Yes you can
name him nothing weird though’ I relent gently.

His eyes find
mine, ‘I like Harry’ he murmurs, ‘Harry Daniel Thompson’

‘Er excuse me
they are both having my surname’ I scowl up at him ‘that definitely isn’t up
for debate, it wasn’t so long ago you didn’t want anything to do with us’ I
prompt.

‘We will talk
about that at a later date’ he mumbles and I realize he is now appeasing me.

‘Brad’ I warn.

‘What about a
middle name for Ava?’ he ignores me.

‘Well I was
going to name her Louise after my mum’ I glance up towards him and he nods.

‘Ava Louise
Thompson yeah sounds good.  Lucy and Cameron called their new baby Louisa’

‘Ava Louise Connor!’
I remind him, ‘Lucy had her then, everything ok?’

‘Yeah she’s
gorgeous’ his eyes drop to our daughter, ‘I think she has fallen asleep, do you
want to swap and I will wind her?’ he suggests.

‘Ok, I forgot
you are an expert at this.  I think I am going to swap sides though’ I wince.

‘Ok give me
Ava’ he demands and I pass her over and he settles her in his other arm, ‘make
yourself comfortable then I will pass Harry’

Although I
wouldn’t care to admit it Brad was a godsend throughout the labor encouraging
and supporting me admittedly he had been through it before so knew the drill
but somehow it felt natural him being there.  It was also helpful to have him
around whilst I was attempting to grasp the whole motherhood thing especially having
the two babies. 

The nurses
evicted him at eight o clock on the first night.

‘Where are you
staying?’ I enquire.

‘I will find
somewhere’ he waves me away, ‘I will come back in the morning but if there are
any problems will you call me?’ he appears anxious and I wonder if it was
because he was afraid of it happening again.

‘Of course’ I
assure him, ‘Listen stay at my house it may be a pain finding somewhere at this
later hour’

‘You sure that’s
ok?’ he looks exhausted.

‘Yes, I take
it you know where it is’ I raise an eyebrow and he grins, ‘how did you know
where to find me by the way?’

‘Can’t divulge
my sources.  Jim informed me you were at the hospital when I located the house
gave me a right drilling.  Have you stored my number?’

‘I bet he did’
I smile before laying back against the pillow tiredness consuming me Brad picks
up my phone and it suddenly occurs to me that our picture is on the front. ‘I
can do it’ I attempt but he ignores me. He stares for a moment but doesn’t
mention it tapping his number into my phone.  I reach over and give him the
keys, ‘there is an alarm but I haven’t changed the code yet I was going to use
the babies’ birthday so it’s currently one, two, three, four’

‘Ok, do you
need anything from your house for the morning?’ he checks.

‘I don’t think
so I brought everything I need’

‘Ok, anyone I
should inform?’

I shrug, ‘no I
will text Courtney that’s all really’ I suddenly feel very alone.

‘Ok well let
me know yes….any problems’ he repeats anxiously.

‘I promise’ I
yawn.

I feed the
babies again just before midnight and am woken twice more during the night so
by the time Brad arrives I am the walking dead.

‘Ouch you
don’t look so hot did you get much sleep?’ he frowns.

‘No, I am so
tired’ I yawn ‘my boobs are so sore’ I complain as I sit up, ‘they feel like
cow udders’

He regards me
with sympathy, ‘I take it the twins are ok?’

‘Yes they are
bringing them in here now and hopefully I can take them home tonight, the
morning at the latest.  Do you think you can watch them while I have a shower
and change?’

‘Of course, I
brought you a couple of things’ he places a bag on the bed and I glance in and
begin unpacking it.  Nipple cream, breast pads, sanitary towels, chocolates, a
bottle of juice and a small package wrapped up. I disregard the thought of him
buying me personal items such as nipple cream and sanitary items for a minute.
‘How thoughtful!’ I feel tears behind my eyes as I think about how early he
must have got up this morning to find a shop open.  I lift out the package.

‘That’s for
the babies but you can open it’ he appears embarrassed by my reaction and I
dash a tear away sniffing, ‘oh god the bloody hormones, I had forgotten about
them’ he teases and I give him a dark look.  He had bought two baby grows with,
Daddy’s boy
and
Daddy’s girl
on them!

I look up at
him his are eyes cautious, ‘I am knowing my children Maddie’ he informs me
stubbornly ‘how can I not?’

Whilst feeding
during the night I had been running the situation through my head and came to
the conclusion that with boundaries maybe Brad could be involved in the
children’s lives. It wasn’t my initial plan I wanted a family of my very own
but now he has met them it doesn’t seem right to take them from him.

‘Ok, you can have
access to your children Brad, you can come and visit your children but you are
not taking my children away from me’ I inform him, ‘that’s all I can offer you
right now’ and he nods.

‘Ok, I can do
that. Can they take my name?’ he looks satisfied with my offer but he is going
to push the boundaries I realize this immediately.

‘No!’ And
there it is, give an inch and he will take a mile.

He looks as if
he is going to argue the point before his lips purse and he accepts my
decision.

‘You do know
that along with me comes my family’ he watches for my reaction.

‘What does
that entail exactly?’ I query.

‘Well they
lost Daniel too’ he reminds me, ‘they are extremely excited to hear the news
especially since it was the first they heard of it last night.  My brothers are
twins by the way’

‘Oh I wondered
where the twin gene came from.  Ok, it will do the twins good to have family
but again no one is taking my children away from me and it’s on my terms’

‘Ok mamma
bear’ he rolls his eyes, ‘go and get your shower and I will check on when the babies
are being brought back’

********

Laying the
twins into their new cot at home never felt so good even if slightly scary,
being responsible for two small human beings was a huge task.  Brad had helped
me with the aid of cushions feed both of them together to cut down on the time
it takes me to feed them individually thus allowing me more rest time.

‘I feel like a
dairy cow’ I complain.

‘If you cannot
do it switch to formula’ he suggests, ‘mind you imagine making up all those
bottles?’

‘No I will persevere
it is better for them’ I lay my head back against the cushions.

As we look on
at our children side by side their tiny bodies swamped by the baby grows that
are made for regular newborns I feel a sense of contentment.  I have the family
I have always craved, I sigh and Brad turns to me.

‘Go get some
sleep I will sit up with them’ he instructs his eyes finding mine concern
etching his features.

‘You cannot
sit up all night Brad, you need sleep too’

‘No, I can’t’
his eyes look panicked ‘I will sleep when you feed them’

‘They will be
fine they will be awake in a couple of hours for food, get some rest.  The
spare room is made up’

‘No’ he shakes
his head, ‘I will doze in the chair here’ he points to an upholstered recliner
that I have sitting in front of the window in-between the cots in preparation
for the feeds.

‘Brad’ I turn
to him ‘it won’t happen again’ although I cannot be sure of this I have to
believe that everything will be ok otherwise I would never sleep again.

‘No’ he is in
stubborn mode, ‘I will sleep when you get up’

I switch on
the monitor to enable me to hear if they wake and bring out my phone and take
yet another photo of them snuggled up their tiny eyes flickering with dreams,
‘I love them already’ I murmur.

‘They are
absolutely perfect’ he adds, ‘now go get some sleep’ I touch his arm as I pass
in a gesture of gratitude.

‘Thank you
Brad’ I call from the door and he turns providing a small, sad smile and my
heart breaks at what I have done to him.  ‘Listen if it’s too much for you to
cope with then you can change your mind, go and enjoy your nomadic life confident
that I will care for them.  I can keep you updated by email with pictures and
developments, I would understand.  You never chose this I did’

He appears as
if he is absorbing this information and processing it.

‘I will never
think or speak badly of you’ I remind him, ‘just think on it ok’

He nods
confusion etching his face.

I don’t know if I can do it….put myself
through all this again!  If I am in I am in, I cannot confuse the babies by
coming and going it isn’t fair.  It isn’t right for Maddie either, I saw the
picture on her phone she is in love with me and I don’t know whether I can ever
reciprocate feeling so betrayed as I do by her purposely deceiving me by allowing
herself to get pregnant. I have no doubt that my feelings are equal to hers but
am tentative as to whether I can ever trust sufficiently to allow myself to
love her. She exploited me for her own end.

I gaze into the cream wooden cot which
holds my family, god they are so tiny and dependent.  Ava wriggles creating a
mewing sound she is the fidgety one, I hush her stroking a knuckle down her
incredibly soft cheek to prevent her waking her brother and she settles
slightly her squinty eyes attempting to focus on me.  I smile and lift her to
me enfolding her against my chest as I hold her head rocking slightly.

‘You are going to be trouble missy’ I
whisper into her ear and she settles her tiny body still screwed up into a ball
almost.  I sit with her in the chair and permit her to sleep against me.

********

Maddison listens as Brad soothes Ava, he is
a great dad and she loves him fiercely but she made a mistake, she was selfish
thinking only of her own needs.  She has hurt him beyond pain itself it is as
if the worst thing that could ever happen to him has in the form of Maddison
Connor.  She moves her face into her pillow to mask the sob that appears from
nowhere.

Brad gently wakes her, ‘Maddison’ he calls.

She turns her blurry eyes towards him half
asleep, ‘Brad?’ she whispers before noticing he has Ava in his arms.

‘They are getting hungry again’

I sit up immediately and take Ava whilst he
returns to the nursery to collect Harry who is creating a grunting sound that
at any moment is going to transfer into a full blown yell.  I glance at the
clock which informs me it is just after four am and that I have slept for almost
five hours.  Brad appears with Harry and organizes the pillows around me to
begin the feeding session.

‘Lay down’ I inform him my eyes moving in
the direction of the bed beside me, ‘you look shattered’

He rubs his eyes and gently lays beside me
on the bed. ‘Sleep’ I instruct as I concentrate on feeding. I need to bring one
of the cots in here I think as I observe my babies hungrily suckle.  When Brad leaves
it is going to be easier if they are both nearby.  I turn to ask his opinion to
find he is sleeping his hand holding Harry’s. 

I take the opportunity to regard his face
my eyes absorbing the long eyelashes covering his warm brown eyes to his soft
lips that have explored every inch of my body.  His chin has stubble covering
it and my hands itch to feel the prickliness.  He appears so at peace whilst in
sleep but I know the instant his eyes open the shutters will close down and he
will once again become the dad of the year perceiving me only as a nursemaid
for his children.

I somehow manage to carry both babies back
to the nursery when feeding concludes and wind them both before bathing and
changing them depositing them delicately into the cot in the nursery.  I make
my way to the bathroom for a shower, it is five am and I need to establish a
routine.

I manage to carry the babies down one by
one without waking Brad placing them gently into the crib I have organized in
the lounge.  I dress them in the Babygro’s that Brad had purchased for them and
they look extremely cute one in pink and one in blue.  I take yet another photo
and mail it to Lucy with a short note.