Betrayal (7 page)

16

By three o’clock, when the children arrived home, Kali was back and straightening up the house. Her two children walked in and she hugged them and they ran to the kitchen and raided the fridge. She watched them a few moments, a smile on her face, and then went into the front room and lay on the couch.

She lifted her phone and there was a text message.

Today was fun

I had fun too

Let’s do it again tomorrow

I can’t tomorrow. Volunteering at my children’s school

I’ll come too

The thought of it filled her with instant dread. She saw Adam’s face, her children. They were old enough to understand.

NO. DO NOT COME DOWN

I was just kidding

Oh, sorry

I can’t believe I can’t see you tomorrow

“Mom! Sandy’s not sharing the orange juice.”

The words jolted her out of her
daze. She looked at the kitchen, her cell phone turned down on her lap. She closed the text messages and then rose, walking into the kitchen to straighten out whatever it was her kids thought was worth fighting over.

Once the kids were doing homework and the afternoon craziness had died down, Kali sat on her patio and stared out over
her backyard. Without summoning, without warning, she began to cry.

The tears
rained out of her. She saw Adam’s smiling face on the day of their wedding. They had been broke then and without a father that gave a damn, she couldn’t contribute much to the wedding. His family wanted to pay for everything, but Adam refused. He didn’t even let them pay for his education. He got loans instead. He always told her that if he was going to make it, he was going to make it on his own.

He was smiling so widely, tears in his eyes, when he
said “I do,” she thought he might pass out. But he didn’t. He gently took her hands in his and swore that he would love her forever, as long as she let him. And he kissed her so softly it felt like a breeze blowing on her lips.

Kali thought of the birth of their first child, Max.
Then of their daughter, Sandy. She thought of the cries in the OR and how she would never forget it. Even though the first sound Max ever made was ten years ago, she still heard it. In her sleep, it sometimes woke her up. It was the most beautiful sound she’d ever heard.

Once the tears stopped, she went inside to take a glass of wine and calm herself.
She sat on the couch and tried to watch television, but her thoughts drifted and she couldn’t concentrate enough to figure out what was going on in the shows she watched.

Adam came home
about an hour later. He had a large smile and was carrying something. An envelope.

“What’re you doing home early?” she asked.

“I was too excited. I had to give you something.”

She opened the envelope. U2 tickets.
Her favorite band. “How did you get these? They’re sold out.”

“I have a few connections here and there. I couldn’t wait to give them to you.”

She was stunned for a moment and then she wrapped her arms around him and kissed him. The kiss was comfortable, something she’d done a thousand times. Though the excitement wasn’t there that she felt with
him
, the comfort had an allure, too.

She began to cry again.

“Hey, I knew you’d be happy but I didn’t expect the tears.”

Kali couldn’t tell him why she was really crying. Why her insides felt like they were being burned from the inside out, like she’d swallowed acid. Instead, she just put her arms around his neck, her face to his shoulder, and let it flow out of her.

Dinner was a loud and beautiful thing. Her kids were cracking jokes, their father would tickle and tease them, and Kali watched the entire thing. As though watching a wonderful movie she never wanted to forget. They ate pizza that she had made herself and had juice to drink. Adam did an impression of his father that made the kids almost pee themselves with laughter. Kali felt the tears pushing at her again. A single one drifted down her cheek. She excused herself to the bathroom.

Once inside the bathroom, she took out her cell phone and texted Sebastian.

We can’t see each other anymore. I’m sorry

The reply came a moment later.
Why?

I’m sorry. You just have to trust me that this is for the best.

Kali turned her phone off. She looked at herself in the mirror. She was a mess. Makeup smeared everywhere, her hair in tangles, her eyes puffy and red. The water was warm as she washed her face and then pulled her hair back with an elastic. She changed into sweats and a UCLA sweatshirt and went downstairs and joined her family.

After dinner, they went to Tami’s house for a while. Tami lived alone with three kids. She was a knockout and looked like a fashion model maybe ten years past her prime. Her husband had left her for a woman he’d met at a family Christmas party.
A second cousin of Tami’s. But Tami had gotten even. She took him for everything he was worth in the divorce.

They sat in the front room and sipped wine while the children played in the backyard. Adam looked distracted. Tami asked if he was okay.

“Fine.”

“What is it?” Kali said.

“I just had a patient yesterday that was beat up for no other reason than because of what gender she claims to be. They almost killed her.”

Tami said, “She’s a transvestite?”

“I think transgender is the proper term. Transvestite means they just dress in women’s clothing. My patient, I think for all intents and purposes, is a woman that just hasn’t had the surgery yet.” He took a sip of wine. “Must be a monstrous feeling. To know you’re a different gender than the one you were born and not be able to do much about it.”

“Well,” Tami said, “I think it comes from trauma. My brother was molested when he was young and he’s gay now.”

“I don’t think that’s it. I can’t imagine he would choose to be that way. Society’s pretty brutal to people that don’t fit the stereotype of normal. No one would willingly put themselves outside of that and expose themselves to the abuse.”

“What about
, like, goths?” Kali suggested. “People who dress crazy?”

“They do it for attention. Maybe even just their parents’ attention. No, my patient’s pathology
runs much deeper than that. I just can’t help but feel sorry for her. And then when she went to the emergency room, she wasn’t being treated because of what she looked like. It was really disappointing to see.”

Tami shrugged and finished her wine. “That’s life.
One pain in the ass after another. More wine?”

Kali watched as Tami went into the kitchen and poured another glass. Adam put his hand over hers. He smiled, leaned over, and kissed her. She wanted to be in the moment.
To be right here with him and not be thinking about anything else. But she couldn’t help it. She felt Sebastian’s hands over her body. His tongue in her mouth, warm and moist. She felt his chiseled muscles underneath her fingertips… and she liked it.

Forcefully pushing the thoughts out of her head, she hoped it would get easier with time. Because she wasn’t sure how much strength she had to resist.

17

The next day, after the chaos of the morning, Kali went out to her yoga class. A trendy studio wasn’t far from her home and the instructor, a woman that could’ve stepped out of a bodybuilding magazine, was kind and gentle.

The class began and Kali got a spot in the back. Her yoga matt still looked brand new. Something that kind of embarrassed her considering how worn out everybody else’s looked. She thought, briefly, about running it over with her car to give it a more used appearance.

The class lasted forty minutes and by the end
Kali’s muscles felt like Jell-O. She lay on her matt after class until everyone else had cleared out and then rose, rolled up her matt, and headed out. She spoke briefly with her instructor about any exercises she had for stress, thanked her, and limped out to her car.

Leaning against the driver’s side door, Sebastian wore a tight shirt and jeans. His arms were speckled with paint, as were his jeans. His face was scruffy and he hadn’t shaved since she’d seen him last.

“Sebastian—”

“You can’t tell me this didn’t mean anything. That it was just for fun.”

“Whatever it was, it has to be over.”

He took a step toward her and she grew weak. Suddenly, the thoughts of Adam, of her kids, of her home, of the dinner she had yet to make, of the house she had to clean… all of it faded away. The only thing was
him. His face and his eyes and his brawny arms that took her in and held her against his warm body.

“No… don’t.”

He kissed her, ignoring her plea. His hands clawed at her… It was painful and pleasurable at once. She tried to pull away and he spun her around and pinned her against the car.

“Please,” she whispered. “Don’t.”

“Tell me you don’t want it and I’ll stop.”

He bit her neck and she groaned.

She fumbled with her keys until her car door opened. They fell into the backseat and he shut the door behind him, peeling his shirt off as he mounted her. He pulled down her spandex leggings and moved aside her thong. Entering her, she felt a fiery pain, and then pleasure unlike anything she had felt. The waves of desire rolled through her. Each thrust forcing her eyes to roll back into her head, her hair to tingle, her tongue to curl… her throat seemed to have a mind of its own and she heard screaming and realized it was her.

Kali dug her nails into his back and knew she’d drawn blood. He
drove into her harder, and she pushed her hips into him. Grinding them against his body. The scents of sweat and sex filled her car until she felt his body flex like a piece of hard leather, taut and strong. She felt him climax inside of her, blistering and wet. He pulled out, panting, sweat dripping from his face. She felt his cum drizzling out of her.

“I love you,” he said.

No. Those weren’t the words she wanted to hear. She pushed away from him and pulled up her leggings. She got out of the car and walked to the rear bumper and sat down. The waves of pleasure were replaced by waves of guilt. She sat on the bumper with her face in her hands when she felt him in front of her. She looked up at his dazzling eyes, the innocent way they took her in.

“You don’t love me,” she said. “You lust after me.”

“No, I love you. I’ve felt it before. I know what it feels like.”

“Don’t say that,” she said, rising and pacing around the car. “Please, I can’t handle you saying that.”

“It’s how I feel. Would you rather I lied to you?”

“Yes. Lie to me. Tell me you hate me. Tell me you’re sleep
ing with twenty-year-old bimbos behind my back and that I don’t mean anything to you. That I’m just a piece of ass.”

“I’d never say that. It’s not true.”

She shook her head. “You have no idea how painful this is for me.”

“Then don’t let it be.” He came to her and lifted her chin so they were gazing at each other. “Don’t let it be. It’s as easy as that. You have one life. One body. Don’t let your enjoyment of it make you feel guilty.”

“I bet that’s really easy to say. Especially when you don’t have a spouse to look in the face every night before bed and tell them you love them and know that you’re stabbing them in the heart.”

“Is he any worse off because you’ve met me? Has anything changed? I bet nothing has. I love you, Kali. I don’t care if I have to share you. I would rather share you with him than lose you.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying. You’re so young. You don’t know what love is, or what any of this means. You just don’t have enough experience.”

“I don’t care.” He kissed her, his lips light and sweet. “All I know is that when I kiss you, when I’m inside you, when I’m holding you… the entire world goes away. That has to mean something.”

She pulled away from him. “I don’t know what it means.”

Kali got into her car and started it. He came to the window and leaned down. “I want to see you tomorrow. Come to my studio in the morning. I’ll be in bed waiting for you. Don’t make me wait.”

With that, he walked away. Kali watched as he climbed into his jeep and drove off. And somehow, despite everything she had just said to him, everything she felt, all the guilt and shame and remorse, she knew she would be at his house the next morning. In his bed, feeling his body become one with hers. She didn’t know if it was love, and didn’t think it was. But whatever it was, it seemed just as powerful and wouldn’t let her go.

18

The days tended to melt into each other the next few weeks. Furious chaos in the mornings trying to get everyone out the door, and days spent with Sebastian. Once, Kali even called Adam and told him that she had a girl’s night planned with Elaina and would be staying late at her house. Then she went to Sebastian. They made love several times and she slept in his arms. In the dark, she could only take in his scent and it aroused her like she had never been aroused.

Another
night, she didn’t get home until one in the morning. But Adam was sound asleep. Part of her said that it was because he was such a sound sleeper and was exhausted. And another part, the part that stung, said that he trusted her fully, and could sleep soundly knowing she wasn’t doing anything he would disapprove of.

Sebastian had an artist’s hours and he would frequently spend the entire day with her. They would go to the beach or to trendy restaurants—paid for by Sebastian even though Kali would insist to pay—and make stops at places they’d never been but always wanted to go.

One morning, Kali had Adam get the kids ready for school under the pretense that she had an early yoga class. She then met Sebastian and they drove to Las Vegas. They spent the day there, Kali texting Adam to pick the kids up and that she would be home late. She even asked Elaina to lie for her if Adam called.

“Why?” Elaina asked.

“Do you really want to know?”

“No, forget I asked.”

“I really appreciate it, Elaina.”

“What’re friends for, I guess. I just hope you know what you’re doing.”

Vegas solidified them. They made love in a lavish suite overlooking the strip, and then drank and gambled well into the night. Rather than going home, Kali texted her husband and said she was too drunk to drive and would be spending the night. Adam suggested that he would come get her, but she said not to worry and that she would be home in the morning.

Sebastian had money but wouldn’t talk about where it came from. Kali guessed it was a trust fund left to him by some grandparent or aunt or uncle and
he was embarrassed by it.

T
hat night in Vegas, he dropped easily twenty thousand on the tables, shows, meals and drinks. And when he bought drinks, he didn’t just buy for them. He bought for the entire bar. People would then come up and talk with him. Friends seemed to come naturally to him. He was outgoing and charismatic. The opposite of Adam who was intellectual and reserved. Adam seemed always to be considering the larger questions of the universe, whereas Sebastian lived fully in the moment.

After the gambling grew boring, and the drinks weren’t affecting them anymore, they stumbled up to their hotel room at the Bellagio. Their hands couldn’t stay away from each other’s bodies. Their mouths were glued together, inseparable. They didn’t make it to their hotel room. He pinned her against the wall and ravaged her
from behind like some conquering soldier. She was screaming so loudly she thought for sure someone would come out of their room. But no one did. This was Vegas after all.

In the morning, they showered together and then made the three and a half hour drive back to Los Angeles in less than two and a half hours, thanks to Sebastian’s reckless speeds.

When he had dropped her off at the parking lot of his studio to retrieve her car, he told her he loved her. She couldn’t say it. The words just wouldn’t come. She knew she felt something for him but it was like some fiery, unnamable passion. Something that bubbled up inside her and took over.

“I’ll see you soon
,” she said, unable to look him in the eyes.

When she got into her car and sat in the driver’s seat, she cried. She couldn’t be certain for how long but it must’ve been a long time because when she looked up she didn’t recognize the cars around her. They had changed. She picked up her phone and dialed Elaina.

Elaina had been there for her through everything. Whenever she had a crisis, Elaina was the one she called. When Adam and she hit a rough patch, Elaina was the one that walked her through it. They discussed the meaning of life, why neither of them were religious, how you knew what you knew and every other topic that popped into their heads. The only thing Elaina couldn’t help with was advice about children. She’d had her ovaries removed. Her mother had died of ovarian cancer and Elaina had developed early onset as well. They removed the ovaries, and it hadn’t come back. But she could never have children of her own.

“Hey
, hon,” Elaina said. “Just thinkin’ about ya.”

“Elaina,” she said, emotion choking her, the tears still rolling down her cheeks, “I need help.”

“Whoa whoa, what’s wrong? What happened?”

“I just… I need to meet you. Right now. It can’t wait so please don’t tell me you have to do something because I don’t have anyone else to talk to. And I need to talk to somebody about it
or I’m gonna lose it.”

“Easy,
hon, I’m not bailing on you. Where are you?”

“Santa Monica Pier.”

A long pause. “I’m coming right now.”

Kali sat across from Elaina at a seafood restaurant on the pier. It overlooked the beach and she could see several joggers running barefoot along the shore.

“I used to come to this beach with my mother,” Kali said, her eyes still swollen red and her voice fading from emotion that had poured out of her. “She never had any money so she would try to find me things on the beach. Trinkets other people had left behind.”

“You’ve never told me why she moved out here, other than the divorce.”

“My father was the worst person I’ve ever known in my life. He used to slap her around. One night, he took a baseball bat to her. That was the night she finally called the police. While he was in jail, we fled. I think I was like eight or nine at the time and she asked me where I wanted to go. I said the beach. And she came here. She got a waitressing job the day we arrived and we rented this little studio apartment above somebody’s garage.”

Elaina stirred her coffee with a spoon. “She sounds like a great lady.”

“She did everything for me. Her entire life was for me. I haven’t seen her in… I don’t know. Ten years. Since Max was born. She did all that for me and I haven’t even flown out to see her.”

“Is she alone?”

She shook her head. “She remarried. In fact she’s got two teenage kids. His, from a different marriage. Maybe that’s why I haven’t seen her. I don’t know.”

Elaina was silent a long time. “What’s going on,
Kal? Why are we here? What happened?”

Tears tried to push themselves to the surface again and Elaina had to force them away. “I’ve… been having an affair. It’s been over a month now.”

“With who?” she said breathlessly.

“You know who. That’s why we’re in Santa Monica.”

“That artist?”

She nodded. “It started as… I mean, I didn’t think anything would…”

“It’s okay,” she said, placing her hand over Kali’s. “I don’t care how many times it’s happened or what’s been discussed or what Adam knows or doesn’t know. What I care about is that it ends right now. Today.”

“I don’t… I’m so confused
. I feel like whichever choice I make I’m going to end up unhappy.”

“Listen to me very carefully. You have everything a woman could want.” She glan
ced away a moment. “Do you know what women would do to have your husband? Your kids? Your life? You’re throwing it all away on a fling. You need to stop. I want you to stop it as soon as you can get a hold of him. And then I want you to tell Adam.”

Her eyes widened in surprise. That was not the advice she was looking for. Tears began to come again and she dabbed at them with a napkin. “I can’t do that.”

“Yes you can.”

“He’ll leave me. He won’t stand for that.
And then what? What would I do without my family, Lanie? Where would I go?”

“
With me. Or on your own. It doesn’t matter. But you have to do it. Sometimes you have to do the right thing no matter how hard it is. And what’s the alternative? To lie to Adam for the rest of your lives? Are you going to have grandkids and still have this huge secret between the two of you? It’ll tear you up inside. You have to tell him. If he’s as great a guy as I think he is… I don’t know. Maybe you guys can work it out. But even if you can’t, it’s better than something built on lies.”

Kali stared out the window at the ocean. Ever since her mother would bring her there, it always held a fascination to her. Her mother would tell her that our bodies were 70% water, and that we had the same level of salt that the ocean did.
That we were deeply connected to it. As a child, it always gave her a sense that there was something greater than herself in the world.

“
Sebastian’s supposed to be here in twenty minutes so we can talk,” was all she said.

Elaina held her hand, and they both stared at the waves rolling into shore.