Best Kept Secrets (9 page)

“What could I do?” I demanded. “You weren’t in your right mind, and you’re stronger than me. Besides, you never really, uh, fucked me.”

“Bullshit.” His eyes narrowed. “You’re saying I woke up with my cock buried to the hilt in your pussy, coming inside you, and I didn’t fuck you? I don’t think so, Cassandra.”

“You didn’t really put it all the way inside.” I could feel my cheeks heating with a blush. That was true, in a way—I was the one who had impaled myself on him—at least for the last few inches. “And, well, I’m not completely sure you came in me,” I continued. “I don’t think you did, honestly.” That was a lie, but one I hoped would make him feel better. Besides, he had only come in me a little bit—it hardly counted, I told myself.

But nothing, it seemed, could make Josh feel better. He pulled on a pair of pants and paced up and down the camp, nearly wearing a rut in the grass as he made me explain exactly what was going on and how it had all started. I tried to make the facts easier to bear, tried to tell him that he hadn’t raped me or forced me—but I could tell by the look in his deep-blue eyes that each new detail made him hate himself more.

“Josh,” I said at last, when I was all talked out. “Please don’t be upset. We have to keep this in perspective. It’s the plant’s fault.”

“Right,” he said savagely. “I should just blame everything I did to you on the damn plant and not feel the least bit bad that I raped you.”

“I told you,” I said wearily. “It
wasn’t
rape.”

“Oh?” He rounded on me, eyes flashing. “I forced you down on the ground on your hands and knees and shoved my cock inside you, and you’re saying it was
consensual
?”

I bit my lip. “Not…completely, but it wasn’t completely unwanted either. Look, Josh, I have conflicted feelings about this too. A lot of guilt…a lot of shame. It’s not easy for me to admit that I…”

“That you what?” he demanded.

“That I didn’t hate it, okay?” I could feel my cheeks burning, but I forced myself to continue. “That I didn’t fight it or try harder to get away.”

Josh groaned and covered his face with his hands. “Oh God, I can’t believe this. I should have known—should have guessed. All those weird dreams I kept having about us…doing things we shouldn’t be doing. I should have known they were more than dreams.”

“But how could you know?” I said reasonably. “You were in an altered state of consciousness.”

“There were clues if I cared to see them.” He shook his head. “The way you’ve been dressing—not wearing any bra and panties. That was because I ripped up the ones you had, wasn’t it?”

I hung my head. “Yes,” I admitted. “I don’t have so many I could let you tear them all up. So I started dressing in a way that…that would make it easier to give you what you wanted. What you
needed
.”

“Damn it, Cassandra,” he exploded. “I don’t
need
to fuck you. You should have told me what was going on—not made it easier for me to get to you!”

“You didn’t fuck me!” I shouted back. “You only put it…put yourself in me a little and it was only once.” I lowered my voice. “Please, Josh, can’t we just put this behind us? I don’t care what happened when you weren’t yourself—I
still
love you. And for what it’s worth, I forgive you.”

“I tell you what, Cass,” he said in a low, angry voice. “It’s not worth a hell of a lot.” He looked down. “I still don’t understand why you didn’t tell me this earlier.”

“Because I kept thinking the effects of the plant were temporary—that they would wear off. And because I didn’t want you to blame yourself like you’re doing now. I didn’t…didn’t want to lose you over something unimportant.”

“Unimportant?” He stared at me in disbelief. “
Unimportant?
”

“Yes,” I said, lifting my chin. “Unimportant. It doesn’t matter what we did together, Josh—what matters is that we still love each other. That we stay together.”

“I don’t know if I can promise that right now,” he said in a low voice.

I felt numb all over. “What…what do you mean?”

“I mean, how can we stay together, Cassandra? How? When I might black out at any time and molest you or hurt you again?”

“I don’t care about any of that,” I said wildly. “Can’t you hear me, Josh?
I love you.
Please, can’t you tell me you love me too?”

“I’m sorry, Cass. I don’t…don’t think I can right now.”

“What?” Hot tears stung my eyes. “What are you saying? That you don’t love me anymore?”

“No.” Josh’s face was haggard, and he looked close to tears himself. “I’m saying I love you too much. And in the completely wrong way. I can’t…I can’t talk about this anymore. I have to go.”

And before I could say another word, he turned and headed into the jungle, leaving me to cry alone.

Chapter Ten

I wandered into the jungle myself feeling miserable and alone. The tears drying on my cheeks were mute testimony to how wretched I felt, but there was no one to comfort me, no one to hold me close and say he loved me and would always care for me. Josh was gone, and he had taken my heart with him.

Somehow my feet took me down a familiar trail, and I found myself standing in front of the truth plant—the place where all of this had begun. I looked at the thing with a dull, hot hatred burning in my heart. It was still in its dormant phase, its leaves curled up and its flowers furled. I wished I could tear its mottled vines down and burn them in a fire. Wished I could chop it to pieces and leave it to die in the hot jungle sun—that I could kill it as it had killed my relationship with Josh.

“I hate you,” I told it in a low, angry voice. “
I hate you.
”

“
Child…child. Is not the fault of plant.
”

Startled, I looked up to see the tall, grasshopper-like Svortzian swaying above me like a tree in a breeze. It was hard to tell what expression he had on his face, but I thought I saw pity and sorrow in his many compound eyes.

“It
is
the plant’s fault,” I said stubbornly. “If it hadn’t been for this stupid plant, Josh and I would still be best friends. We’d have a normal relationship living together and loving each other without…without doing things we shouldn’t. Things that ruined our lives.”

“
Is that so?
” The Svortzian gave me a doubtful look—I thought, anyway. It was hard to be sure. “
Truly there is…nothing between you…before plant? Is…hard to believe.
”

I thought of the shower incident and blushed—that had happened long before Josh had been sprayed by the truth plant. But I was still angry and defiant. “What do you mean?” I demanded. “Why is it hard to believe?”

“
Plant is…makes you act on desires…already inside. Hidden desires…
” The Svortzian nodded wisely. “
If you have no desires…is not to make you act on them…do you see, child?
”

Sighing, I nodded.

“Yes,” I whispered. “I see. I…I knew about that, or suspected it anyway. I just…didn’t want to think about it.” Didn’t want to face the idea that I might be in love with Josh, I thought, but didn’t say.

“
You love for him…yes?
” the grasshopper being asked. “
If love…is not bad. Is good.”

“This kind of love isn’t good,” I assured him morosely. “This is bad—very bad. Wrong and forbidden.”

“
Why forbidden? Your love…is to hurt anyone?
”

“Well…” I bit my lip, thinking. Though we had called each other brother and sister for years, Josh and I weren’t really related in any way. So to be fair, we really weren’t breaking a taboo, even though it felt like it to me—to both of us. “No, I guess not,” I said at last.

“
Well then…is to be good. Is to embrace your love.”

“I
do
love him,” I whispered, feeling the truth of the words as I spoke them. “And not just as a stepbrother. I think…I think I’ve loved him for a long time as more than that.”

Though part of me thought it was wrong to admit that, another, even deeper part knew it was right. And when I thought of it, why
shouldn’t
I love Josh? He was everything in the world to me. He cherished and protected me, comforted me when I was sad, and laughed with me when I was happy. We shared everything together but a real blood tie. So why should we not share our bodies? Share our love in a physical way? A sexual way?

Because he’s your stepbrother, whispered the wicked little voice in my brain.

‘Step’ being the operative word, I argued back. We’re not related in any way that would legally keep us apart.

Yes, but in every other way. In every way that matters.

I shook my head. Though I knew and admitted I loved Josh now, the conflict churning inside me felt like it would tear me apart. I loved him, but he was still my stepbrother. Could I overcome that taboo to be with him in a deeper, more meaningful way? Or were we destined to be torn apart forever?

“
Is to not weep any longer, child.
” One long, alien finger came down and brushed my wet cheek gently. “
Your sorrow…is to make truth plant sad. Is to die if you cannot resolve soon.”

“How can I resolve it?” I asked, shaking my head. “Josh thinks he…he thinks he attacked me. And even though he didn’t, there’s still a problem—he’s fractured into two different personalities right now. How can he live like that? How can he pilot a spacecraft or give a lecture when he gets guest-speaking spots at universities? How can he do anything when he doesn’t know when the Beast might come out?”

The Svortzian nodded thoughtfully. “
Is to be…a problem. But a problem…is to be solved.
”

“Solved? How?”

“
Is not easy…but is must be done.
” The tall alien bent to look me in the eyes. “
Isla will tell you. Is must act…as he does…when he is not.
”

For a moment, I didn’t understand. Then it finally dawned on me what the Svortzian was saying. “You mean I have to get him to act like the Beast—do the things he does as the Beast—when he’s in his right mind?”

Slowly, he nodded. “
Is…the only way…to bring two halves together. Must carry…all the way through. Must finish…is important.
”

I bit my lip, thinking of what that would involve. Somehow I would have to get Josh to make love to me. And not only would I have to let him penetrate me, but fuck me to completion and fill me with his cum. I would need to let him press his cock all the way to the end of my cunt channel and pump his entire load deep in my pussy.

It was a scary thought, but I squared my shoulders in determination. If this was the only way to get him back to his right mind and bring us together, I would do it.

The question was, how in the world could I convince Josh?

Chapter Eleven

By the time I got back to camp it was late and dusk was falling. I looked for any sign of Josh, but I didn’t see him. With a heavy heart, I took a quick bath in the stream and slipped into a new top and skirt. The top was another stretchy Henley—in sky-blue this time—and the skirt was slit almost to the waist. Out of habit I arranged the slit in the front before I remembered that Josh was gone, and there was no chance of the Beast coming to me just then.

It was growing dark in the tent as I hadn’t lit the glows yet. I was just about to leave and do a little more work by the brighter halo-lamps we had set up outside, when a low growl behind me stopped me dead in my tracks.

The growl sounded again, and my heart began beating double time. I knew that sound—it was the Beast and I knew what he wanted. And despite the fight Josh and I had gotten into earlier, I wanted badly to give it to him.

“All right,” I said, knowing how impatient he could be. “Come here, then.” Lying on my back on the sleeping bag, I lifted the stretchy shirt above my full breasts and started to pull up my short skirt as well.

Then a sudden light in my face blinded me.

“Cassandra?” Josh’s face was revealed in the radiance shed by the tent glows, and he was frowning. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Josh!” Suddenly shy, I tugged down my shirt and skirt and sat up, pressing my legs together. “I, uh, I thought you were…”

“I know what you thought.” He frowned savagely. “Damn it, Cassandra, how can you be so submissive? Were you really going to just lie there and…and let me do it?”

I looked down at my hands. “Yes,” I said.

“But how could you—never mind.” Josh sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Look, I came back because we need to talk about this.”

“That’s exactly what I was trying to do earlier,” I said drily. “We talked a lot already. Do you have something new to say?”

“I have something new to ask.” His face was pale, as though he was having a hard time getting the next words out. “I need to know, Cassandra…need to know exactly how far I went with you. You said I didn’t…didn’t actually fuck you but…” He shook his head. “If we’re ever going to get past this, I need to know.”

My mind returned to my earlier dilemma, and I had a sudden idea. “I’m sorry, Josh,” I said calmly. “I can’t tell you that.”

“What?” He frowned. “Why not—I thought you wanted to talk.

“I can’t tell you, because I’m not completely sure myself.”

“You seemed pretty damned sure earlier,” he said angrily. “You said I didn’t go all the way with you. Tell me the truth, damn it!”

“I was trying to make you feel better,” I snapped. “Look, Josh, you’re not the only one who got hit with a blast of the truth plant’s secretions. You took a lot more than me, but I got some too. A lot of the time when we were doing…what we were doing, it was pretty hazy for me too.”

It wasn’t a complete lie. I
had
gotten that hazy, unreal feeling several times when he was touching me. The feeling that I should just give in and give him what he wanted, which I was sure was the effect of the plant.

“I can’t believe this.” Josh sank down beside me and put his head in his hands. “I can’t believe neither of us really knows what happened. If what you’re saying is right, I might have fucked you multiple times, and we just don’t know it.”

“This really means a lot to you, doesn’t it? Knowing exactly what happened.” I wanted to rub his back or pat his shoulder, but I was afraid he’d jump away, so I kept my hands to myself.