Benevolent (21 page)

Over the next couple of weeks, Gabi and I talked, a lot. We were both still sharing the condo while I looked for a place of my own. I was picky and didn’t see anything that I liked. But Gabi and I were finally in a good place so it didn’t bother me that we were staying together.

She argued with me a lot over the money. She didn’t want half of what the condo would go for once she saw the asking price. She said it was way too much money. I didn’t feel right not giving it to her. She needed it and I knew it was going to help her in ways I never could.

Her sessions were going really well and they adjusted her medication so that she acted more human than before. I watched her laugh when she’d talk to her new friend on the phone. She started doing her hair again and wearing makeup. It felt good to see. Really good. I had waited and waited for years to see her like that again; I just never imagined it would be that way. I never thought it would come after breaking up, yet still living together as friends.

I began calling Eden again. I told her I wouldn’t, but that was one promise I didn’t give a shit about anymore. I called her every morning and every night. She never answered, but I left her messages each and every time. I told her good morning, and that I loved her. Then I called just before bed and told her goodnight, adding again that I loved her. I sent flowers once a week. I sent letters along with chocolate. The only thing I ever got from her were short text messages that said
please stop
. I didn’t receive those, of course. She had no way to prove that I ever got them.

Janette was distant for a while at work after I spilled the beans about Eden. I worried that I had drudged up old feelings about her rape. I really had no idea how many people had fallen victim to that heinous crime. I looked into it, though, and the numbers scared me. It did, however, light a fire under my ass. I donated more and more to shelters that helped women and children out after hearing about Gabi’s upbringing. I also donated and added more awareness dinners to the calendar each year for crimes against children. There was a not for profit organization in the state that helped me put things together. I felt good about what I was doing.

Almost a month after Gabi and I talked, I finally found a place. I had wanted to stay on the beach, since it was what reminded me of Eden the most, but everything I had looked at didn’t appeal to me. My realtor took it upon himself to look at houses on the lake just a few miles away from the gulf. That was where I found it.

It was smaller than the condo, but still a decent size when comparing houses. It had four bedrooms and the master bedroom took up one half of the house. The inside was just an inside to me, but it was the backyard that had me placing a bid before leaving. Beyond the back patio, there was a wooden boardwalk that led to a small dock. All of the other docks were close to their backyards, but that one extended out into the lake. And instead of grass and weeds like all of the other yards, the backyard was sand. It was its very own beach. All I could think about was sitting there with Eden. I imagined all of the things we could do out there when the sun went down since the houses weren’t right next to each other like they were on the beach. It was perfect.

I made an offer and before we even locked up, it was accepted. Things went fast after that. In two weeks, I was moved in. Granted, I had nothing since I had given everything to Gabi, but the place was mine. Gabi tried to get me to take some of the furniture so I didn’t have to sleep on an air mattress, but I refused. I didn’t tell her why because I didn’t want to hurt her, but I didn’t want anything connected to Gabi in that house. I would fill it with things that I knew Eden would like, and then I was going to wait until she came back.

I took pictures of the place and sent them to her. I asked her opinion on furniture while I picked things out—she didn’t respond, of course, but that didn’t stop me from asking. I wanted to show her that she was the only one I thought about.

The condo sold soon after that and then Gabi moved in with her friend. I helped her move it all and I was impressed where she was staying. She seemed really happy to be there and it was nice to see her laughing with someone. I didn’t even know when it was that she last had a friend to talk and laugh with.

It’s easy to hear about everything that happened over those couple of months. But the truth was, no matter how much hope I had that Eden would come back, it didn’t mean my days were spent filled with butterflies and fucking rainbows. I was downright miserable.

Yeah, Gabi and I had gotten along and things were settling between us, but it didn’t mean that the thought didn’t cross my mind that she was the reason Eden left. Sure, it was my actions that caused her to leave, but they were actions that were affected by Gabi.

Work was going better. Talk had died down and people were sending in new requests for help every single day. But all it did was remind me of how I didn’t have Eden there to help me. I didn’t have her there to smile at me or calm me down. I felt more alone than I ever remember feeling before.

I bought a house, sure. But I bought it while thinking of Eden. And the longer I lived there, and the longer it was that she didn’t show up, the more empty it felt. It didn’t matter how much furniture or stupid fucking decorations that the salesmen convinced me to buy I filled it with, it was still empty and cold. It was more depressing than I originally thought. Even the unreturned calls and messages and letters I sent were breaking me down little by little.

There was a moment I had thought about giving up. I thought it was useless to keep trying. But something inside of me told me to keep going. I told her I wouldn’t give up and that was one promise I would keep.

Then there was the morning I woke up and called her for my usual morning message. It didn’t ring. Instead, I got an automated message saying that the number had been disconnected. All hope had vanished by then. It was all gone. I had nothing left, and that is when it hit me.

I was unhappy with Gabi, but I was miserable without Eden.

I went to work that day, hoping to get my mind off of things. Just before lunch, Janette called me for a conference. We had a big charity dinner that weekend and she wanted to prepare me for my speech. She was amazing with words so I had her help me write it.

“Have you heard from her?” I asked once we were done reading over what I would say in front of hundreds of people. I was pretty sure they hadn’t spoken, but I was desperate for something. I hadn’t ever asked before, but with her phone being shut off, I had no other way to find out.

She shook her head. “Do you think it’s time to move on?”

“I will never move on, Janette. She is the only one that can make me happy.”

“Have you ever thought that was how Gabi felt about you? She clung to you because of that same reason when it would have been healthier for both of you if she had just let you go?” she reasoned. I didn’t like her reason.

“Are you trying to tell me I should let her go? That what I’m doing isn’t healthy?”

Janette took in a deep breath before meeting my eyes. “I don’t think it’s healthy. But I also don’t think you should give up if what you say you feel for her is true. I do think that you should allow her some time and space to make a decision for herself. Had Gabi done that for you, would you have made the decision to be happy? If you were given time and space?”

“I don’t know. I never had a reason to be happy until I met Eden.”

“You’re not asking my opinion, but I’m going to give it to you anyway. I feel that maybe you didn’t take enough time after walking out on Gabi. And you are now given that time. I think you should use it wisely.” With that, she patted my hand and walked out of the office.

What the fuck? I didn’t even know what that meant. There was something about a vagina that made women confusing as all living hell, but there was nothing I could do about it. I thought about what she had said to me. I mulled it over in my head for the rest of the day. She wanted me to give myself time and the rest would follow. I knew that. But I didn’t want time. I’d had enough time since Eden left.

After work that day, I decided to do one last thing before putting my hope to rest. I went and got another tattoo. I had gotten plenty of them in the past, and they all meant something to me. But nothing meant as much to me as that one.

I had gotten my own version of a tree. It was of The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Apples hung from the top, with one left lying on the grass. It was shaded a deep red with a dove perched on it. It was my last symbol of hope.

I had gone home and stared at it for a while before retiring to the dock. I sat on the wooden planks for what felt like hours, thinking and debating. Wondering what to do, if I should do anything. I finally decided I needed to just give Eden time. I only hoped that decision wouldn’t come back to bite me in the ass.

It was time for the charity dinner and all my nerves were fried. Gabi had volunteered to help out and that made things easier, but it still didn’t make me any less nervous. Janette told me there would be important people there. She should have never told me that. I had always been really great at schmoozing the important people. Hell, I was awesome at schmoozing anyone, but I felt off my game. Ever since deciding to let things go and just wait until they happened, I had not been myself.

I was in the kitchen, picking at food and drinking the champagne as I waited for it to start. The servers and cooks laughed at me, but I just ignored them and kept picking food off their trays. Janette peaked her head through the server’s door and whistled for me. I turned around and raised my eyebrows, silently asking what she wanted while I continued to shovel food in my face.

“Come out here. I have people for you to meet.”

I rolled my eyes and washed the food in my mouth down with another glass of champagne. If it hadn’t been for all of the fancy food that I had no idea what it was, the alcohol would have gotten to me.

I followed her out and she began to introduce me to the people that ran the organization. They were older people, not what I expected, but they were very nice. They thanked me for my help and then went on their way. Janette pulled me by my elbow to introduce me to more. I didn’t want to meet anyone else. I wanted to find the bar and get a drink.

“Dane,” she began as I finally turned my attention back to her and the red dress that stood to her side, right in front of me. “I’d like for you to meet my daughter. Eden, this is Dane Kauffmann. Dane, this is Eden Clare.”

Suddenly, the room went silent. My breathing grew heavy and my eyes could only see her. She was wearing a long red dress that clung to her curves like I had been dying to see for months. It had straps that went over her shoulders, exposing the flowers on her sleeve. Her red hair was pinned in some kind of messy but sexy as fuck mess just behind her ear. And her smile left me feeling like there was no air left in the room. I had seen her face behind my closed eyes for months, but it wasn’t even close to seeing the real thing. Seeing her face in the flesh made my heart calm so much it felt as if it stopped.

She reached her hand out in front of her. Did she really think I was going to shake her hand after she had ignored me for months? She was out of her fucking mind. I had no interest in shaking her hand.

My hands went up in front of me and I grabbed her by the sides of her face. I pulled her to me until my lips were on hers, feeling her sticky lipstick all over my lips but not giving a shit. I kissed her until she took a breath, and then I took the opportunity to move my tongue against hers. I felt her arms go around my waist and pull me into her more. I never wanted to take my lips from hers. I never wanted to pull my body from hers. After living without her, I feared I would never get to feel that again. Call me paranoid, but after having my heart shattered into a million pieces and finally feeling as if all the shards were magically being put back together by her kisses.

We finally pulled away to catch our breaths. I still held her face and stared into her eyes.

“I called you. Why didn’t you ever answer?” I sounded like a pathetic boy, but I didn’t care. That’s exactly how I felt.

“We’ll talk about that later. Right now, you have to get ready for your speech.”

“I don’t want to give the speech. I want to talk to you. I want to know why you’ve ignored me.”

“We’ll discuss it after dinner, when we leave.” She was trying to pacify me.

It wasn’t working. “Then I want to leave now. Even if I have to go all caveman style and haul you out of here on my shoulder. I have no desire to be here anymore. I just want to know why.”

She smiled at me and placed her hand on my chest. “Give your speech and then we can leave.”

I didn’t want to hear that. I wanted her reasons why she left me hanging for so long. Why she hadn’t answered any of my calls or messages. I needed to know why she cut me out of her life when I so desperately wanted to be a part of it.

Part of me was pissed that she had ignored me for so long. That she had left me with no hope. But no matter how upset I was with her, all I could think about was that she was back. Standing in front of me. Making me whole again. I felt torn between feeling the remnants of the pain she left me with and the healing her presence offered me.

I was called onto the stage to give my speech. It was strange because I had been so nervous prior to that. I was so down, so distraught, lost, and hopeless. But knowing Eden was there, feeling her lips on mine, made all of that go away. She literally calmed my soul. She made everything go away and just made things right again.

“I would like to thank everyone for coming. You don’t know how much it means to me that you’re here. Just showing up and offering your support means the world. Mr. and Mrs. Grant, the directors of the Advocates for America’s Youth, have asked me to speak tonight and I couldn’t be more honored.

“Tonight we celebrate the opening of America’s Youth Rec Center. It has been an honor to be a part of this from the start. It is something that means a lot not only to me, but to my entire company. We are all proud to have this in our own backyard for our own kids.”

I had my notes in front of me, but by the time I took the podium, I no longer cared what they said. My speech would come from my heart, and the only one I cared to listen to it would know what it meant.

“My speech tonight is for those kids. They need to know a few things, and I think it’s only right that I say it here, in front of all of you. Be yourself. Don’t be something that others want you to be. Only you can make yourself happy, and that’s exactly what you should be. You deserve it.

“With that being said. There will be times in your life that you will have tough decisions to make. You will have to choose between doing something selfless and doing something selfish. And sometimes, there isn’t a right or wrong choice. Sometimes, either decision could hurt someone. The only way to know if you’re making the right choice, is to follow your heart. Do you what you believe with everything in you, and it will be the right one. Some may call that being selfish; I call it being true to yourself.

“There will be times in your life you just have to be different. As long as you’re staying true to yourself, you’ll be fine. Society likes to tell us what is right and what is wrong. Listen to you. Find your own way. It may take time, but in the end, it will all be worth it. You’ll know when things are right or wrong. You’ll know if what you’re doing isn’t what you should be doing. You may not know right then. You may not find out until years later, but I believe that you learn the truth exactly when you should. This may be in school, work, or even love. But I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason, as long as you’re listening to your heart. As long as you’re paying attention to that voice in your head. As long as you keep your eyes open and your feet moving forward.

“Let me close with this, and then I’ll stop boring you. When you screw up, because you will, own up to it. Apologize and mean it. Take responsibility for your actions and make it right. Now, let’s eat. I’ve been slaving over a hot stove all day,” I teased, listening to the laughs from around the room.

People clapped and shook my hand, they thanked me for my support and for being there, but it was Eden’s reaction that meant the most to me. She sat at the table directly in front of the stage and smiled through the entire speech. It was the only reason I didn’t shorten it to just the first sentence so I could get out of there faster. Watching her smile at me made everything better.

By time I reached the table, Eden was gone. My heart sank to the floor and then got trampled on by everyone in the room. I looked around frantically, desperately trying to find the red dress. That’s when I saw her, against the far wall. My feet began to move quickly all on their own. It almost felt like my body couldn’t keep up as I raced to reach her.

“What are you doing?” I asked, spinning her around and noticing the streaks on her face left behind by tears. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?” I began to panic as I waited for her to respond.

“I’m sorry. I just needed a moment. I just needed to catch my breath after what you said up there. We both made mistakes, Dane. But I don’t want to talk about those now. I want to eat and then leave so we can talk.”

“I’m not hungry. You said we could leave after my speech.”

“You can’t leave yet. Let’s just sit back down and eat. Everything will be fine, I promise.”

I could only stare at her, waiting for some sign to let me know her words were real. That’s when she touched the hair on my face, scratched it with her nails, and then kissed me. It was a soft kiss, nothing overly sexual about it, but it ran through me like hot lava. It eased my lost soul and calmed my racing heart. The way she touched me, the way her lips felt against mine made everything in my world at peace.

Janette and Eden did convince me to stay for the dinner. I had tried most of it while I was hiding in the kitchen, so at least I knew it was good food.

The way Eden looked at me while we ate drove me nuts. The way she held her hand on my thigh and I could feel the heat through the fabric made my cock swell to the point it was almost painful. And the way she smiled at me when she caught me staring at her made my heart beat in my chest. It felt like it hadn’t worked in months. It hadn’t. She took it with her when she left. And now she was back. I had to keep staring at her to believe it.

I felt torn again with my feelings. I knew we needed to talk. I knew there was a lot to be said, from her and from me. But I couldn’t help the way my body reacted to her. Maybe it was because I hadn’t had sex in over two months. Maybe it was finally feeling her touch me again. Or maybe it was because I suddenly felt that things would be okay between us, but I couldn’t stop the feelings that were coursing through me. I was a guy—a guy that missed his woman. I had missed everything about her. Her face, her smile, God, her laugh, but I also missed her touch. The more I thought about it, the more I became conflicted.

The dessert tray came around and Eden stopped the server.

“We’ll take ours to go please.”

I looked at her with a smile on my face.

The server looked at me questionably. “It’s okay. We’ll take it to go.”

Her cheeks turned pink and her smile curved up on the side of her face. It was the sexy smirk that reeled me in that very first time, and she was doing it all over again. It wasn’t just my dick that ached for her—it was my entire body. Everything from my head to my toes drummed with electricity.

Our desserts came back in a box and we quickly excused ourselves from the table. We were almost to the door when Gabi walked by. She smiled and said goodbye and kept going, but I couldn’t miss feeling Eden freeze up next to me. I looked at her and she smiled back, but I could tell it was only a front. I couldn’t get her out of that building fast enough. I couldn’t have been more excited to know that she didn’t drive herself. I knew that would give us time in the limo to talk.

“Talk, Eden,” I demanded once the driver came around to pick us up.

Once we were settled in the back, I hit the privacy button. She finally spoke as soon as the glass partition was closed. Her voice was small but certain. She knew exactly what she wanted to say. Nothing about her words was uncertain.

“Do not take this as me being insecure, because it’s not. I know what it is that I want, and even though I may still be a little scared of it, I’ve learned that it’s just something I have to deal with if I want to be with you. But seeing Gabi there made me uncomfortable. There’s no need to have a conversation about it because I understand the situation, I just wanted to tell you how I feel.”

“Eden, she was volunteering.”

“I know. Janette told me everything. That’s why I said we don’t need to have a conversation about it. You clearly noticed my unease around her so I thought I would be honest with you and tell you how I feel about it.”

I couldn’t understand her tone. She didn’t seem mad or upset. She wasn’t angry, and she certainly wasn’t happy, but she was feeling something. She called it being uncomfortable, but I didn’t understand why if she knew the story. “Are you about to tell me you don’t want me to have anything to do with Gabi?”

Her eyes grew large on her face as she looked at me. Her eyebrows raised up and pinched together in the middle as if she were surprised by my question. “Heavens no, Dane. That woman has been through enough in her life. She needs all the support she can get. And if you give that to her then I’m okay with that. Don’t misunderstand me, I don’t like the idea of you running to her rescue every time she needs it, but I would never ask you to turn your back on someone that needs help. Your caring nature is what I fell in love with, and I would never ask that you lose it.”