Benevolent (20 page)

Once the meeting was over, everyone left except for Janette. I looked at her, silently asking what she was waiting around for. I knew she was about to give me a lecture. She was kind of a mother hen in that aspect. She did have two boys at home and from what her husband had told me during company parties, she could have been a drill sergeant in her past life. I was scared, but knew whatever she had to tell me, was exactly what I needed to hear.

“I have tried to respect your privacy over this last month, but I can’t do that anymore, Dane. I need for you to tell me what is going on. I can’t help you or this company if I’m left in the dark. Something happened, and I need to know what.” Her voice was soft and comforting. It was trusting and made me want to open up to her.

“Eden left.” It was the only thing I could say because it was the only thing that mattered.

“I’m sure your assistant leaving isn’t what caused this.”

I looked right into her hazel eyes, trying to form the words to explain it all when it barely made any sense to me. “I am in love with her. And she left.”

“What about Gabi?” she asked, not sounding too surprised.

“I don’t even know how to say it and have it make sense. Gabi and I haven’t been happy in a really long time. I stayed out of obligation and fear, and maybe a part of me still held on to the love we once had. But Eden made me happy. Eden made me feel alive and put a smile on my face. I left Gabi and got to spend a weekend with Eden. One weekend was all I got. I had three days of unbelievable happiness. I felt like a kid again. I felt like me again. But then shit hit the fan and she took off.”

She stared at me with wide but soft eyes. I could see the understanding in the green flakes that were surrounded by the light brown. She had the eyes of a woman that could bring understanding to my life and I knew I had to listen to whatever words would come out of her mouth.

“Does this shit hitting the fan have anything to do with Gabi being admitted to the hospital? Or you subsequent arrest?” It was as if she already knew the answer before even asking.

It wasn’t my story to tell, but Janette made me tell her anyway. If I had learned one thing from Gabi over the whole ordeal, it was that secrets and lies helped nothing. I nodded and answered, “Yes. When Gabi was seventeen, she was brutally raped and had to be hospitalized. Her neighbor was accused and then sentenced for it. Ten years later, he killed himself and Gabi found out. She confessed to me that she had lied about it, and that her neighbor had never raped her. I left; that was the weekend I spent with Eden. I came home and found out Gabi had attempted suicide and that is when I found out the real truth. Gabi might have lied about who raped her, but it didn’t mean she was never raped. The man I attacked, Todd, that was her stepbrother. He was the one that raped her, and that wasn’t the first time. It had been going on for a long time, since she was fifteen years old. Right under my nose. Through the entire time we had been dating in high school. She kept all of that from me. I never knew until then what had really happened all of those years ago. Eden couldn’t handle it, so she left and went back across the country to her parents.”

Janette placed her hand on my arm and smiled at me. “How is Gabi now?”

“She seems okay, I guess. I mean, she’s talking to a therapist. She seems to be working things out better than before, but it’s not the same.”

“Do you want it to be the same?”

I thought about it, even though I didn’t need to. “No. I want her to be better. I want her to be happy. But I want Eden. I want to be happy, too, and I don’t feel that will ever happen without her.”

She looked around the room before settling her eyes on me. “Do you know why Kauffmann Investments is so involved in charities, especially charities for abused children?”

I wasn’t expecting that to be her question so I only shrugged and waited for her to continue.

“Sexual abuse happens every day; most of it goes unreported. In the cases of minors, most of those are by the hands of a relative. The younger victims are scared to tell anyone. They think they’ll get in trouble. As they get older, they begin to blame themselves. They think it’s their fault someone took advantage of them. So they don’t tell anyone, either out of fear or a false sense of guilt.”

I didn’t know why she was telling me all of this. I only stared at her as she sat next to me, explaining things that physically made me ill to hear. I didn’t want to know about all of the little Gabi’s in the world that had horrible things happen to them. I didn’t want to think about all of the women that had to live their lives the way Gabi did. I couldn’t do anything about it, and knowing I couldn’t save each and every one of them made me sick and sad at the same time.

“I picked most of the places you donate to, and most of the awareness groups that we are involved with because it’s important that people know the signs. People need to know what to look for in the young victims that don’t know how to speak up for themselves. They need to know how to get them the proper help so that they don’t grow up and hate themselves or try to do harm to them or others. There are many reasons why rape victims grow up like Gabi, and end up feeling the way she did. But there are so many ways to change that.”

“I’m not following, Janette. Did you know about Gabi when you set these things up? Did you see the signs all along over the years and I never did?” I didn’t understand. If she had seen it in Gabi’s eyes, why couldn’t I? Why did I never know about it if Janette could see it? She only saw her maybe twice a year.

“No, Dane. I didn’t know. But I do know something about it. When I was fourteen, I went to a high school party that was put on by the football seniors. I was a freshman and felt like one of the cool kids because I was invited.” She took a deep breath. “My drink was spiked and five of the football players decided to take turns with me. I don’t remember much of it, but I remember enough. Luckily, I had parents that supported me. Charges were pressed and the boys paid the price. I got the help I needed and after time, that horrible thing that happened to me became the thing that made me stronger.

“My parents moved right after that. It wasn’t that they were ashamed or because people were talking. It was because that place tied me to that time. I couldn’t get over it because I was living in it. I was tied to it. So, we moved. And I began to heal.”

That made me think about things a lot. But my thoughts were quickly stopped by what came out her mouth next.

“The one thing I was never able to get over will always be the one thing that will stick with me for the rest of my life. One of the guys impregnated me. I was fourteen, raped, pregnant, and scared. I continued with the pregnancy until I gave birth and the baby was taken away to its adoptive parents. I never knew if I had a boy or a girl. My mom filled out the paperwork and all I did was sign the birth certificate. She said the baby and any details of it would only tie me further to that night, and she didn’t want that. It’s not that I wanted the baby, I just feel now that I’m missing something.”

“Oh my God,” I whispered in a low tone as my jaw hung open.

Her eyes snapped to mine. “What?”

“Eden…”

Janette looked at me with even more confusion on her face. “What about her?”

“She applied at Kauffmann because she found out her birth mother works here.” It suddenly made so much since why Eden was so hung up on working in PR. It was why she had applied there to begin with. Why had I not thought of that after she told me about her birth mother? It should have been so obvious, but yet it wasn’t.

Her eyes grew so large and glossy I thought she’d start crying. “Eden? Are you sure?”

I nodded. I didn’t mean to let it slip. I had no intentions of saying anything. But as soon as she mentioned giving a baby up for adoption, the words just fell out. I’m sure she wasn’t the only woman in the company to have given a baby up for adoption, and I should have never said anything. But looking into her eyes and seeing those green specks that shone through, I knew without a doubt she was the only one to have given Eden up for adoption.

“I’m sorry, Janette. You just got done telling me about things tying you to that event. I should have never said anything.”

She shook her head in shock. “No, don’t apologize. Did she know who I was?”

“Yes. She never told me anything other than she met you.”

“She used to come down to the office all the time and talk to me. We had lunch a few times. She never said anything or even hinted at… Oh.” She stopped, her mouth going into a perfect O as a memory flashed across her eyes. “The day she left, she stopped by my office. She said she came to say goodbye. She mentioned going back to her parents. I thought it was strange that she mentioned how good they were to her and how much they had taken care of her for her whole life. I just thought she was getting sentimental. Now it all makes sense.”

“She was wanting you to somehow know that she was cared for and loved, and that you made the right choice in a terrible situation,” I finished for her. Hearing that only made my heart beat harder for Eden. The kind of woman she was. The kind of person she was, that she made it a point to ease Janette’s mind. Even if Janette had no idea what she was talking about. It only made me love her that much more.

There was an awkward silence in the room before Janette stood up.

“I meant to give you some clarity in your life. I wasn’t prepared to have some clarity of my own. Thank you for that, but I really do need to go. I need some time and I’m sure you do, too. Please listen to what I told you about Gabi. Make your own decisions, but know that you need to take her feelings into account.” Her reaction wasn’t odd to me, because I believe I had felt the same thing. Shock. Neither of us were really processing it at that time. It was a revelation that needed thought on both sides.

I nodded and watched her leave. I had always taken Gabi’s feelings into account. Her saying that filled me with a sense of anger. It made me feel like she was accusing me of never thinking about Gabi’s feelings. It wasn’t until my drive home before I finally understood what she meant.

As soon as I walked in to the condo, Gabi was standing in front of me. She seemed happy, or at least more than content. I knew we had to talk, and I only hoped I could keep the courage I found on the way there. After taking one look at her face, I worried I would be able to.

“How was work?” she asked, handing me a cold beer.

I took the bottle from her with apprehension. I didn’t know what the motive was behind her actions and to be honest, I was a little scared to find out. That was the first time in years, and I mean
years
, that she had asked me a personal question.

“It was good. How was your appointment?”

“Really good,” she answered with a smile. “It made a lot of things very clear for me, and I was hoping we might be able to talk about it.”

Damn. I didn’t want to talk about it. I wanted to talk about my own discoveries from the day. But I promised her that after my shower we would talk. She quietly agreed and went back to her bedroom—my old bedroom—and I went to the back bathroom. It still felt weird to be using those rooms when I had never used them before, but it was better than sharing a room with Gabi. It also made it easy for me to jerk off while thinking about Eden, which I did, a lot.

As soon as I turned the water off, I heard music coming from the living room. I rolled my eyes, imagining Gabi setting up an entire romantic evening. I didn’t want that. I wanted to tell her how I felt and what I thought. I wanted to be done with it. But there was still a part of me that felt some kind of love for her, and that part was happy that she was happy again.

I opened the door and had to stop. The sound that was coming from the speakers made it so I couldn’t move. I had never heard it before, but I could tell who it was just by the voice alone. Aaron Lewis had the most distinct voice, and I had listened to Staind since high school. But I had never heard this song before. He sang about being tangled up in someone. How that person was his light in the darkness, the medicine for his pain, and the hand to hold when he’s old. But it was the verse when he talked about her being his shore. About him being lost at sea and she was the only thing he thought about. That was the line that broke me.

I was tangled up in Eden. I was so twisted and tangled, but I never wanted to be straightened out. I never wanted to not be tangled up in her. That was when I knew that I had to say what I needed to say and I couldn’t let obligation, fear, guilt, regret, or benevolence hold me back.

I stormed into the living room, startling Gabi as she sat on the couch.

“I know you want to talk to me, but I need to say something.” I waited until she nodded before I continued. “I have been by your side through everything, and I have done it without an ounce of regret. I loved you, I do love you, and I will always love you, but it’s not the kind of love you deserve. It’s not the kind that will put a smile on your face or light you up from the inside out. I don’t mean to say this to hurt you. Lord knows that’s the last thing I want to do. But I think that I tie you to your past. I keep you there with those dark demons. And it would be one thing if the love I had for you would make that connection right, but it’s not.”

Her head fell into her hands. I waited patiently until she raised her eyes. They were filled with tears as more fell down her cheeks. My heart broke at the sight. I was a man that couldn’t take watching a woman cry. I went to her and sat down. For the first time, I had no idea how to comfort her. I had no words.

She looked at me and smiled. I felt even more confused.

“I’m so happy to hear you say that, Dane. I was so worried about all of this. I love you, I honestly do. But my therapy has helped me see so much. I have learned so much and it makes me sad for myself that I hadn’t done that sooner.”

“I don’t understand, Gabi.”

She smiled again and then rested her hand over mine. “I have spent the last decade clinging to you as if you were my lifeline. Waiting for you to save me like I was on life support. I didn’t have anyone else. You were the only one I had. Though my feelings for you are as real as the air I breathe, I have turned that air into pollution with my dependency on you. I have dragged myself down and pulled you with me.

“I was always so scared that if you left me, I would be all alone. Which I pretty much will be, but I have also learned that being alone isn’t bad. In the program, I was able to talk to other people, and I realized how much it helps to talk. I’ve kept everything inside for so long that I hadn’t even thought about how freeing it would be to get it all out.”

“So what does this mean? What are you trying to say?” I needed clarification. I loved women, very much, but sometimes they just needed to simplify things a little more. They had a tendency to be too damn confusing.

She touched my face with her hand and looked me right in the eyes. “I appreciate everything you have ever done for me. None of it has gone unnoticed. You are an amazing man, Dane, with a gigantic heart. Without you, I don’t know where I’d be. But like you said, no matter how good or kind or sweet you are, you will always tie me to everything. You tie me to my mom, Todd, Sean, this whole damn town. I can’t stay here anymore. I need to get out and try things.”

“Alone?” The thought worried me some. She had never been alone before and I didn’t know how she would handle it. I knew it didn’t concern me, but it didn’t stop me from being concerned.

“No. I met a girl in treatment that will go with me. We grew close and she mentioned something to me this morning. We talked about it and then I talked to my doctor about it. He thinks it’s a good idea. I just need a little more counseling before we go ahead and do it.”

“Do what?” I needed clarification, not more confusion.

“We’ve decided to talk to other victims about what we’ve gone through. We want to help other young girls. Neither one of us had anyone we could turn to that would’ve understood and we both felt like outsiders. That no one could possibly know what we were going through, so we held it all inside. We don’t want other girls to feel that way. So we are teaming up with a group of women that go around and talk to people.”

“Just knock on doors and stuff like that?”

“There will be some speaking arrangements at hospitals. One on one meetings with victims. That sort of thing. But I’m not ready for all of that yet. I still need more therapy in the meantime.”

“Where will you be moving to?” I suddenly felt worried for her.

She smiled and tilted her head. “You just answered any question I didn’t know I had.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. I had no idea what she was talking about.

“I can move on now without ever having any what-ifs when it comes to you. If you loved me the way I love you, you would have offered to go with me. But I’m okay with that, because I think I’m starting to figure out that my love for you isn’t what I always thought it was. I think I loved you because you in some way made me feel safe. But I’m learning that I need to make myself feel safe. No one can do that for me.”

“Where are you moving to?”

“I’m not sure yet.”

“When?” I felt like a heartless asshole asking her that, as if I were pushing her away, but that’s not what it was. I wasn’t looking at getting rid of her; I only wanted to make sure she was prepared for when the time came.

“That’s the thing. Not for another six to twelve months. I have a lot of counseling to do and I still have a lot to learn about dealing with victims. But it’s what I want to do and it’s what I plan on doing. I want to focus on getting me better so I can help others. I’m working out my feelings about my mom, but I’m just not there yet, so I can’t go to her. The girl I met in the clinic is trying to get her own place, but I don’t have any money to help her out. So, I don’t have anywhere to go in the meantime. I know you want me gone, but I was just wondering if I might be able to stay until I can get there. I promise I won’t be in your way. If you don’t want me to do that, I understand and I will figure something out. I just know I can trust you.”

It was my turning point. The moment in my life when things fell into place. I wanted clarity from Gabi, but I wasn’t expecting clarity for everything. But that’s what I got. I did love Gabi, in some way, I did. It may not have been what she needed. It certainly wasn’t what I needed. But I did love her and I didn’t want to see her suffer any more than she already had.

“I’m going to put the condo up for sale. You are welcome to stay here until it sells. We can split the money, and then you can use that to help get yourself on your feet.” I realized that as much as being with me tied her to her past, living in that condo tied me to her. If I had any chance of proving to Eden that I was all hers, I couldn’t have anything holding me back. The condo was holding me back. And I couldn’t just put Gabi out on her own.

The idea seemed to make her happy. She wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed my cheek. It felt so final, but not unresolved. There was so much closure in that hug.