Benevolent (10 page)

We didn’t speak the entire time we were on the plane, and then the silence continued in the car back to her place. It was awkward and depressing. I knew life would continue to be depressing once I got back home, and just wanted a moment or two without it before going back to Gabi. I helped her retrieve her bag from the trunk and grabbed mine, too.

“What are you doing?” she asked me, the first thing she spoke to me since leaving Texas.

“Let’s go for a walk on the beach? I’m not ready to go home yet and I just want to talk.”

“If you don’t want to go back home, then do something about it.”

“I am. I’m trying to get a little more time with you. I want to take a walk and talk some. It doesn’t have to be about anything important. We can talk about the sky for all I fucking care. Just please, go for a walk with me. We’ll be in public if that’s what you’re worried about.”

She didn’t respond. All she did was huff and turn away.

I thanked the driver and sent him on his way. Then I carried our bags up to her place to drop off before we headed back down to the beach.

Her condo was about a third of the size of mine, but it was nice and it faced the beach. From her view, you could see the pier perfectly. I wondered how many times she had caught me going there. I began to wonder if she’d go there, knowing I was there, or if she watched and waited until I had gone. I guess I didn’t know how close she was to my favorite spot.

She threw her bag in her room and changed into shorts before we headed down. It was still quiet and strained between us, but I was thankful she hadn’t sent me back home yet. When we reached the gate at the pool, we both took our shoes off and left them by the railing. I rolled my jeans up to keep them out of the sand and then we headed down to the surf.

It was almost four in the afternoon so we certainly weren’t the only two people out there, but there weren’t many, mainly just couples walking up and down the beach, like Eden and I were doing. It helped that we weren’t too close to hotels. The tourists generally stayed away from the residential areas.

I grabbed her hand to stop her. “Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”

“I thought we were going to talk about the sky?”

I felt myself growing angry. I knew what I had said, but I wasn’t being literal. I didn’t want to talk about the fucking sky. I wanted to know why she was so quiet. I tried to keep my anger in check. Our argument didn’t need to be witnessed by the people trying to enjoy their time out on the beach. They didn’t need our fucked-up fighting to get in the way of their relaxation.

I shook my head and started walking away. She grabbed the back of my shirt and I stopped, spinning around to look at her. I couldn’t read her expression, but it wasn’t a happy one.

“What do you want to hear, Dane? Huh? It’s the same thing over and over again. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep having the same argument with you. I’m attracted to you; you know this. And you’re attracted to me. But you’re with Gabi and you’re not going to leave her. So that just leaves me, feeling all of these things and not being able to do a damn thing about it.”

“How do you think I feel?” My voice rose and that anger I tried to keep in check let loose. “If I had things my way, I would be with you. If I choose you, it would only mean I’m not thinking about her. And I can’t do that, Eden. I just can’t. She’s a fucking mess right now. She’s been through so much in her life and I just can’t walk away.”

She shook her head and turned around but didn’t move away. She stood there, staring off into the water. “That’s where you’re getting confused, Dane.” Her words were being carried away with the wind, so I stepped in front of her to hear her better. “You keep thinking that you have to choose me or her. It’s not like that. Your only two choices are to leave her or stay with her. Take me out of the equation. It has nothing to do with me. You either stay with her and hope things get better, and if they do, hope they stay that way. Or, you leave and hope to find happiness somewhere else. Whether that be alone or with someone new. But nowhere in your decision-making am I there. It’s not about me. It’s not even about Gabi. It’s all about you.”

I didn’t understand what she meant. It was about Gabi. And Eden. I understood where she was coming from about it being about me, but without the two of them, there wouldn’t be a decision to be made.

She must’ve been able to see the confusion on my face because she continued. “Listen, Dane. You are an incredible man. I’ve never met anyone like you before. You’re kind and generous and smart and funny. All of those things and more are what attracted me to you to begin with. Maybe I’m nothing in the grander scheme of things. Maybe I was only put here to make you see what you need. Maybe not. I’m not trying to tell you that you need to leave Gabi because that’s not for me to decide. You’re the one in that relationship; you’re the one that has to figure that out. But regardless, it has nothing to do with me.”

“So you’re saying that if I leave Gabi, we won’t be together?”

She shook her head and my stomach fell to the sand. “That’s not what I’m saying. I don’t know what will happen after that. But that shouldn’t be why you leave her. You shouldn’t make the decision to leave based on whether or not we’ll be together. If you leave her, you need to do that for yourself. And the same goes with if you stay. If you decide to stay with her, it needs to be for you, not for her. All I’ve heard you say is how much she needs you. Do you need her the same? Or are you only there because of what you can do for her?”

“Sometimes we do things without personal gain. We stick things out and stay places for other people. It’s not always about ourselves. I may not be happy right now, but that doesn’t mean I have always been unhappy. I have to think about her. She is half of the relationship. I can’t think about myself all of the time.”

“I’m not saying to think about yourself all of the time, Dane. But you should at least some of the time. I don’t think you do that at all. You’re half of the relationship, too. Does she take you into account as much as you do her? If she does, then great. But only you would know that. You’re the one there every day. If you stay with her then awesome, good for you. But stay because it’s what you want to do. If you leave, don’t do it for me, do it for you.”

“You make it sound so easy,” I said with a quick laugh. “I started making money when I was fourteen years old. By the time Gabi and I got together, I was completely supporting myself, aside from the house and typical living expenses that my parents were taking care of. But I bought my first car, my first computer, everything. I have been taking care of Gabi in every sense of the word since day one. How can I not take that into consideration? How could I just leave knowing she needs me?”

“Does she take care of you? And I don’t mean in a sexual way. Is she there for you when you need it?”

I had never really sat back and thought about that before. When my grandmother died, yes, she had been there for me, but that had been years before. It was before she lost the baby, before her stepdad died, and before that fuckstick hurt her. Since then, no, she wasn’t always there for me. She didn’t often ask me how my day was, or listen when I wanted to talk about a big deal I landed at work. Why had I never seen that before? Why had I never felt that before? It didn’t bother me then, so why did it suddenly bother me when Eden asked? I didn’t answer her because I didn’t want to admit it out loud, that no, Gabi wasn’t there when I needed it. Only Eden was.

“I’m not telling you to make a decision now. Make it when it’s right for you. Only you will know when the time is right to make up your mind. And whatever you do, do it for yourself. Because, at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how I feel or how Gabi feels, it all comes down to how you feel.”

I only nodded and started walking again. She followed me and we quickly grew into a steady pace side by side in the sand. The air around us lightened, too. We started joking around and laughing again, and damn did I miss that. I loved hearing her laugh. She had different laughs and I was starting to understand them all. When she really thought something was funny, she’d throw her head back, open her mouth wide, and let out the loudest laugh I had ever heard. There was no way anyone within hearing distance could have kept a straight face when she did that. Her laughs were the complete opposite when she became shy. Instead of throwing her head back, she’d look down with a slow building smile. If you weren’t close enough, you’d almost miss the soft humming of a laugh that escaped her. Then there where her teasing laughs, the ones she’d let out right after giving me a hard time about something. Her lips would turn up in a tight smirk and I could tell she was trying not to openly smile. She thought she was funny but tried to play it off.

I couldn’t tell which laugh was my favorite. They all were. And it wasn’t just the laugh; it was the smile and what she said before and after. It was all of it. It was how they made me feel. The smile and laugh I felt coming over myself as she did them. It was happiness I didn’t ever recall feeling. And that’s when it hit me. I didn’t know Gabi’s laughs or smile like I did hers. I couldn’t remember there ever being a time I was so drawn to an emotion from her. And I certainly didn’t ever remember her laugh making me feel that content.

Just as I thought about that, my phone rang in my pocket. I almost didn’t answer it, but once I saw the number from the super in my building, I knew I had to. He never called unless it was important. My heart sank, fearing what he was calling me for. It had to be Gabi. It had to be bad. And I felt my happiness crash down around me as I hit the answer button.

I ran. I didn’t think about Eden, whom I had left behind on the beach, or my shoes that were still by the pool at her condo. I didn’t think about any of that as I ran up the beach to Gabi. Luckily, I wasn’t far from my place. Eden and I had walked farther than I realized, passing my condo without even knowing it. It didn’t take me long to get there; my heart raced in my chest the entire time.

Once I made it through the door, all I could see was destruction. Nearly everything had been destroyed. Glass was broken on the ground; chairs were either shifted around or knocked over. There was a commotion going on in my bedroom and my fear became real the closer to the door I got.

Gabi was packing a suitcase with tears streaming down her face. I stood in the doorway, unsure of what I should do. It took one look from her before I was by her side, desperately trying to hold her hands still to keep her from packing more.

“What is going on, Gabs? Talk to me, Gabriella,” I pleaded. I sounded desperate even to my own ears. And I was. She had never threatened to leave before and I didn’t know how to handle it.

“You don’t want me anymore. I know it, so don’t even try to deny it. I saw you out there with firecrotch. Were you even gone on business or did you spend the night fucking her?”

I had never seen her so angry before. She had been so depressed lately that all I was used to was her crying or acting distant. Her anger surprised me and I couldn’t think fast enough. She took my silence as a confession and began to snatch her hand away to continue packing.

“Gabi, listen to me. I was in Texas. I did go away for work. I just got back an hour ago.”

“Then why were you out there with her? Why didn’t you come home to me? And where is your bag?”

My bag. Fuck. I left it at Eden’s place. I knew there was no way I’d be able to explain and not have it look bad. “Gabi, I swear. The car dropped us back off at her place and then we decided to take a walk. As soon as I got the phone call from downstairs, I came running.”

“It shouldn’t have taken a phone call to come here. I’m here. You should have wanted to come to me first! And what do you mean
we
? Did she go with you? Who the fuck is she?” Gabi was screaming, inches from my face.

“She’s my assistant, and yes, she went with me. It was a business trip and she works for me, so she went, too. We were just taking a walk.”

“Where’s your bag, Dane?” She spit out my name like it was something dirty.

I shook my head, not ready to answer her. She was like a ticking time bomb and I knew I had to act fast. “It’s at her place. The car dropped us off and I just left it there while we talked. I was going to go back and get it before coming home.”

“Where does she live?”

“Just down the beach.” Fucking aye. I walked right into it and didn’t even realize it until I said it. There was no going back from there. I was fucked and that’s all there was to it.

“Just down the beach,” she repeated my words but with an accusatory tone. “Why couldn’t the driver just bring you here first, then you could have gone on a walk with her. You could have come to see me, check on me—you know, your
fiancée
. But you didn’t. Now your bag is in her place… Oh God, you’ve been inside of her house,” she said with a gasp.

“You’re making this all sound twisted to match what you think happened.”

“How the fuck do you want me to feel? You leave for an overnight trip with some bitch that I’ve never heard you talk about before, and then I catch you walking along the beach with her like some sickening couple. I watched you, Dane. You two were teasing each other, flirting even. You were laughing and joking. It didn’t look like you two were discussing very much business.”

Fury rolled through me unlike I had ever felt before. I didn’t ever recall being so angry with Gabi. “You would have known about her had you taken two seconds to ask about me. If you showed one ounce of interest in my life, you’d know who was in it.”

“Gee, I’m sorry that I lost a baby not too long ago and I’m still dealing with it. Not everyone could go through something like that and then go frolicking along the beach like you.”

“Don’t! Don’t do that, Gabi. You act as if we lost the baby yesterday. We didn’t. It’s been months and I’ve dealt with that. You haven’t. You can’t be mad at me for laughing with a friend seven months after you miscarried.” My temper got the best of me and I began to yell. I had never yelled at her like that before and part of me felt bad. But another part of me felt relieved that I was finally able to get it out. I was finally able to say things that I had thought about, but never uttered.

She broke down and began to cry even harder. The relief I had just felt for speaking my mind vanished and was quickly replaced with remorse. I hated watching her cry. It didn’t matter how many times I had seen it over the years; it still cut me open.

“Gabi,” I said and tried to pull her closer to me. She pushed me back. “Please, just stop.”

“No. I can’t make you laugh like I used to. I can’t make you smile, and now you have to go to another woman to get that. Do you have to go to her to get fucked, too? Have I finally pushed you so far that you have to go to another woman to get all that I can’t give you? I can’t give you anything anymore. I’m fucking useless. I might as well not even be here. You have no use for me anymore.”

I grabbed her and pulled her tight to my chest. I hated hearing her talk so low of herself. “Stop, Gabi. No, I don’t go to anyone for anything. Yes, we were laughing and having a good time, but it’s not like how you’re making it sound. I don’t go to her for those things.”
Yes I do
. “You’re the only one I want to be with.”
No you’re not
. “I have never even thought about sleeping with anyone else.”
That’s a lie
. “You make me happy.”
No you don’t
. “I only want to be with you. Please, don’t leave me.”
I’m a fucking coward
.

She pulled away and looked up at me with tears streaking her face. “It doesn’t matter what you say, Dane, I watched it. You don’t look at me like that. You don’t play around with me like that. And now your walks to the pier all make sense. You meet up with her when you leave here, don’t you?”

“No,” I lied. “I honestly go to the pier for the peace. I go there to clear my head.”

“Because you can’t do that here.” It wasn’t a question. She was stating a fact.

“It’s hard, Gabs. It’s so damn hard to see you upset all the time. I just want you to be happy again. So
we
can be happy again. I know it’ll happen. But I can’t do much more than what I’m already doing and that frustrates me. It makes me feel like I can’t fix you.”

“I’m not a broken toy, dammit! I’m not one your companies that you can just take over and fix. I lost a child and you refuse to give me another one. I’m hurting, Dane. Doctor Greiner is making me talk about my mom. He’s making me go back and talk about all of it. He’s heard it all before, but he’s making me talk about all of it. He’s making me relive it all and I can’t do it! I can’t go back there! I just want to get over the loss of my baby and move on. I just want to start over again with you. I want a baby.”

“I thought you understood? I thought you agreed with me that the timing isn’t right?”

She closed her suitcase and stopped me as I began walking closer to her.

“Stay,” she ordered in a cold voice. “We want different things. I want to get married and have a family. You clearly don’t.”

“That’s not fair. I do want those things; I just want to wait until the timing is right. I want to wait until you feel better.”

“Maybe getting married and pregnant would make me feel better? Maybe it’s sitting around here without a real commitment from you and an empty womb that’s making me feel this way. You just keep pushing me to go talk to someone. Maybe you’re missing out on what I really need.”

“What do you mean without a real commitment from me? I put a ring on your finger didn’t I? I have supported you since before we even graduated high school. I have taken care of you for over ten years and have been faithful ever since day one. How could you say I’m not giving you a real commitment?”

She grabbed her bag off the bed and stormed past me, pushing me out of her way. “Would you have asked me to marry you all on your own?” she asked as she stopped just outside of the bedroom door.

I looked at her, wondering where that question had come from, but never answered. She finally turned back around and headed to the front door.

“Gabriella, stop. Don’t leave. Let’s talk about this. Let’s work this out.”

She spun around with her hand on the door handle. “I can’t make you laugh like that,” she said, nudging her chin toward the balcony, talking about the way she saw me laugh with Eden. “I can’t do that for you. Look at me and tell me you’re happy.”

I wanted to. I wanted to convince her that she made me happy, but I couldn’t. I knew I would never be able to convincingly say that to her and she knew it.

“Now look at me and tell me that others can’t make you happy.”

I knew she was talking about Eden, but I didn’t want her to do that. I didn’t want her to compare herself with other people. It suddenly became clear what Eden was trying to tell me when she said to take her out of the equation. It really wasn’t about her. It all came down to me and Gabi. All of it.

“That right there is why I can’t stay. It’s why we can’t work things out. I’m bringing you down. I’m making you suffer because I’m not strong enough to get over things like you can. I get upset. I cry. And you can’t handle that. You’ve been there for me for so much, and I can’t ask you to keep doing it. It’s taking too much of you and I hate myself for taking away your smile and your happiness. I think we just need a break. You need to laugh and I need to cry. And we can’t both do those things without hurting the other.”

And with that, she was gone. I tried going after her, but she shot me a look that told me to not bother. I was lost and confused. I didn’t know what was happening because every emotion known to man was flooding me. I wasn’t used to that. Over the last seven months, I had gotten used to just surviving. Going to work and coming home. Watching Gabi go through the motions of her depression and waking up to do it all again. Before that, it was a roller coaster. We had moments of being happy and moments of severe tragedy. Would there ever be a time when things were just good? Could I be with Gabi without ever worrying about when and how the other shoe would drop? So many shoes had dropped over the span of our relationship that I began to wonder how many more there possibly could have been.

I stood for a while after the door closed before sitting down on the couch. I put my face in my hands and thought about where it went wrong. So many things had happened to her, to me, to us during our relationship, but when was it that it actually went wrong? There had to have been a turning point, and before I could make any decisions, I had to figure out when that point was.

I thought back to when I first met her. How I felt as I watched the quiet girl walk through the halls of school with her baggy shirts and loose fitting jeans. Her hair was long and looked like it hadn’t been taken care of in a while. She never wore makeup and rarely met anyone’s eyes as she passed. But regardless of all of that, she was still the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. She had a natural beauty about her. One I didn’t see often in the sea of high school girls. The girl I had been dating at the time never left her house without her hair perfect and makeup on. It was refreshing to see someone so perfect without all of that. It was the first thing that drew me to her.

After that, it was the way she smiled. I’d try to talk to her in class, but she rarely responded. Even though she didn’t often talk back to me, she’d smile and it made my whole world light up. It did things to my dick, too, but it mostly just made me happy. I was happy. Even then, before she gave me a chance, she made me happy. I hadn’t always been miserable. I just had to keep thinking it through so I could pinpoint it and possibly change it.

It was the first day of junior year in high school and I noticed her in the hall. She was looking at her schedule and the numbers on the doors of the classrooms. I was with a group of friends and walked away. They were in the middle of telling me something, but as soon as I saw her, their words vanished and I just walked away. All I saw was her. Her hair was longer, but still just as unmanaged as it was the year before. She was still wearing loose fitting clothes, but it seemed as though the shirts were getting a little tighter in the chest area. It was hard not to notice how she was filling out. Most of the girls our age were, but I didn’t notice them. I only noticed Gabi. I walked straight up to her and asked her out. I didn’t say hi or ask how her summer was. I stood in front of her and waited until she looked up at me. A smile appeared on her face and her dark brown eyes lit up. I asked her to dinner on Friday and to my surprise, she said yes. I wasn’t expecting it, so I didn’t say anything else. I stood there, looking like an idiot as she laughed at me.