Being Kendra (2 page)

A few months later in Indianapolis, when Hank Jr. was born, the doctors asked me if I wanted my child to be part of a vaccination program. I wasn’t prepared for the question and struggled to weigh the pros and cons to find an answer. Sometimes with stuff like that I wish they’d just go ahead and do it. I’m not really qualified to make those kinds of decisions; my only education on the subject of vaccinations is what I remember from looking it up on Google while I was pregnant. I thought back to Jenny McCarthy again, and after my flu shot experience, I was really on her team. I needed to know more to make this decision, which seemed more important than ever, so I asked the doctors at the hospital about the benefits and risks of getting vaccinated and not getting vaccinated. What are you giving to him? How much? What percentage of people do it vs. not? They explained to me that if my baby got one of these viruses or infections, it’s a much worse outcome than if he were to get autism. I know that’s a horrible thing to say, but the chances of something bad happening are far more likely and deadly if he doesn’t get vaccinated. With this new information in hand, my views changed. This was about what’s best for my son. And now that he was a living, breathing human, I wanted to protect him even more. So I gave him the shots.

I gave Hank Jr. the shots my way though. I spread them out instead of flooding him all at once. I said, “You can give two shots now and spread out the rest. We’ll come back as often as needed to get it done. Just don’t do it all in one day.” That was my way of trying to protect my baby. That’s what made the most sense to me and felt right instinctually for my family. We all need an advocate in this world, and I definitely think Jenny McCarthy is doing a great job being an advocate. If God forbid anything were to happen to my son, I’d be an advocate too. Jenny speaks with her actions, and they show how much she loves her son. She doesn’t preach but educates and shares her powerful experiences. I don’t believe in telling people what to do. You have a choice, you either listen or you don’t. She’s had to suffer and she’s dealing with it. I listened to her and learned from her experiences, then I made my choice.

Kids living in poverty who don’t have immunizations and health care are more at risk of getting infections that turn into other problems. We are fortunate, so we should use the resources we have.

I talk about this stuff all the time with my friends who are also moms. When one of my best friends, Mykelle, was pregnant, I sent her an e-mail full of advice, the facts of motherhood. I wanted to write her woman to woman, mom to mom, and tell her how I survived the first couple months. I didn’t go off any books; I went off my own experience, intuition, and instincts. I covered everything, down to stealing everything at the hospital, anything they have laying around.

Here’s exactly what I wrote her:

Dear Mykelle,

In the 1st year of being a new mother I’ve learned so much, but not by the book and I want to share some of those lil tricks, shortcuts, ideas, and ways that made mine and Hanks and baby Hank’s lives easier. I suck at typing but here I go lolol. Starting all the way from hospital . . .

1.
Once I had the baby the docs were very forceful with breastfeeding it made me stressed out . . . my milk didn’t come in until day 3. I would cry because I thought something was wrong with me but everyone’s milk comes in at different times. Anddddd DO NOT stress if he doesn’t latch on immediately . . . keep trying . . . don’t give up even though you will want to. Don’t feel guilty if you want to take those days at the hospital and rest as much as you can because your body just went through war!!!

2.
Steal the stuff around that they provide at the hospital for extra stuff. They don’t care. Its diapers and wipes and formula.

3.
Pack yours and Bob’s favorite card game, movie, music, and thick ass pads for you bleeding vagina. Seriously bring a million of them, it’s like a bloody Niagara Falls.

4.
After the epidural and medication I was soooooooooo itchy . . . anti itch cream or lotion will help. Bring that too.

5.
Feed the baby as much milk/formula as the baby will eat . . . I made the mistake of always giving him only a certain amount and he’d wake up starving . . . I wish I knew that simple thing. Keep going until he stops.

6.
Wake up when the baby wakes you up . . . Don’t wake him up to feed . . . I killed myself setting alarms . . . don’t be afraid to let him sleep, he’ll wake up when he’s hungry and he’ll cry when he’s tired to go back down. Especially at first, they don’t fight much.

7.
I’m getting you some things for the baby shower but if you decide to shop for yourself before that get allot of bottles (so you don’t have to run the dish washer every five minutes!) and a BOTTLE WARMER! I didn’t have one until the 2nd month and thank god I learned about it, the babies love warm milk!

8.
Diapers.com is the site Hank and I use for diaper deliveries, and stuff to stock up on for baby. Don’t worry about over ordering, it’s impossible. Think about how many wipes you might need and then order five times that amount.

9.
Change his diaper where ever is comfortable to you . . . don’t always go to the changing table. If you want to do it on the floor or the couch or the kitchen table, do it.

10.
I don’t think we’ve used baby powder since first week he was born . . . Overrated.

11.
I love the unscented baby lotion better than the powder fresh . . . it moisturizes better I think.

12.
When you yourself need to shower, do it with the baby in the bathroom of course in a safe spot and always check on him. Put him in a lil baby swing chair thing or a basinet and keep popping your head out to check on him.

13.
It was easier for me to have 2 baby swings . . . one in the living room and one in the bedroom. Of course a crib but also a cheap portable carry around crib thing . . . easy to find and you can just move it from room to room.

14.
There is a little bed protector type thing where he can sleep in between you and Bob if you choose to have him in bed, it protects him from you rolling over on him!

15.
Have soothing music on for him . . . not too loud but a good volume so he can get used to noise and that’ll help cancel out the noise u and bob make :)

16.
Lil Hank can sleep during loud ass fireworks and always has because we weren’t afraid to be noisy around him. Basically the louder you are when they are little babies, the better off they will be in learning to sleep through anything.

17.
ONESIES are the best for lil Hank to sleep . . . You don’t have to worry about him getting cold without a blanket because everything is covered.

18.
The first month we would go 3/4 days without bathing him or even changing his clothes. They can’t move, they have small poops and you are changing their diaper every few hours so they don’t get that dirty, especially since they aren’t supposed to go out toooo much. When you do wash the clothes . . . DREFT :D

19.
Get a wipe warmer, it is awesome . . . isn’t so cold on his booty

20.
As soon as we got home with baby Hank we just threw him on floor to get used to life lolol of course on a clean floor, but the less you cater and baby this kid the more likely he will be to go with the flow.

21.
Burping—every kid is different but baby hank was always messy when he was little . . . so always have a towel.

22.
When I saw husband Hank sleep I’d get really jealous and start fights because I was beyond tired . . . leave the room and you or bob sleep on the couch . . . there will be a lot of nights where you’ll have to separate. Prepare for two separate sleep areas for both of you. No joke!!! It doesn’t mean you are fighting it just lets the other one sleep better!

23.
Those store bought plastic breast pumps didn’t work for me.

24.
Prepare quick meals for u whenever you can and stock up on prepared foods. I only had time for Lunchables and junk like that.

25.
COFFFEEEE

26.
I used my phone to help with his sight. In a dark room I’d take my phone, not close to him because it’s too bright, and move back and forth until he moved his head . . . that was the 1st big milestone baby hank did and I was so happy when he moved his head to the light of the phone lol.

27.
Don’t be afraid to tell motherfuckers to wash their hands . . . always squirt antibacterial in peoples hands that are going to be around you and the baby . . . if anyone gets mad, slap them!!!!!

Everything else:

• Rice cereal worked to fill him up so he sleeps longer, but it can constipate him, so maybe throw some fruity taste in there when he’s old enough.

• Get a baby bath tub to bathe on kitchen counter or bathroom counter for about 2 months so you don’t have to mess your back up bending over the tub

• Yogurt is a good healthy quick fix for you.

• A nose plunger to get his boogers and snot and nail clippers.

• Baby Aquaphor for baby lips and dry areas.

• baby monitor!!

• Air purifier or if dry a humidifier

•
Diaper genie—it’s a trash can for diapers and keeps the room from stinking and you can stack like a million dirty diapers in it

So there you have it. Girl, let me know what you don’t get so I can get it for you because the last thing you need is 5 of everything because you will barely have room for 1 . . . well that wouldn’t be a bad idea though hahaha. We always put a warmer, thin blanket for his sheet on crib . . . sheets got cold and not comfy for lil Hank . . . but if you are scared then be safe and go the sheet.

I wish someone had sent me a note like that before I gave birth. But I learned it as I went and found what works for us.

M
y life for a long time before Hank Jr. was simple. I did what I wanted, when I wanted to, and however I wanted. I’m not saying I was happier, but it was definitely a whole lot easier. As any working mom knows, it’s not easy balancing a busy career and motherhood. There are so many demands and it can feel overwhelming to make sure you’re not letting anyone down—your boss, your husband, your baby, or yourself. For me, filming the show, traveling, and working several jobs all while raising a baby can be a lot. But I try to stay grounded, focus on what’s most important—baby Hank, my husband, staying healthy—and let the rest fall by the wayside. Easier said than done, of course.

I have had these cameras following me for most of the last decade. Being a first-time mom with no training and little guidance is hard enough without it being documented—especially just hours after birth. The cameras raise the stakes and highlight any parenting lapses. It’s that much harder to keep a sense of perspective with two cameramen, a sound guy, and a producer following you from your bedroom to the bathroom to the nursery to the kitchen. I loved the fact that the show recorded the birth of our son and my very real learning curve, but it also came at a price. When you have never changed a diaper before, or never held a baby, the cameras add that much more pressure. Not exactly the type of home video footage you want to sit on the couch and watch over and over again.

The cameras and bright lights were shining as I tried to wipe poop off my squirming baby or breast-feed him. Can you imagine what it’s like to be changing a diaper for the first time and have a producer say, “Oh, can you slide a little bit to the side so we can get a better angle?” But the show’s producers were excited to capture every real moment in these early days. They even requested to wake up with me in the middle of the night for feedings and diaper changes. The crew stayed in the house all night long, and if I so much as farted in my sleep, a group of cameramen would come running up the stairs to see what all of the stirring was about. I woke up every three hours to feed and burp and change Hank Jr.’s diaper, like clockwork. His schedule was: three
A.M.,
six
A.M.,
nine
A.M.,
twelve
P.M.,
three
P.M.,
six
P.M.,
nine
P.M.,
twelve
A.M.
.
.
.
Hank was hungry, and he would cry if I was a minute late.

I’d go to sleep at nine
P.M.
and three hours later at midnight I had cameras waiting for me to wake up; rise and shine! I had my microphone on and the little battery pack attached to it on my side while I was trying to sleep! Then it would happen all over again three hours later. Who the hell wants cameras in their face at three o’clock in the morning? Especially when you have to get up and pee. And let me tell you, there were plenty of times when I did that (and more) while the microphone was still on.

I had a difficult time breast-feeding in the beginning and was getting really frustrated. But I had planned on breast-feeding and I was determined to do it, swollen, sore boobs and all. It was hard at first; Hank just wouldn’t latch on properly, though he liked to bite. And of course, the cameras were on my face so that certainly didn’t make it easier. There’s nothing worse than that feeling of not being able to naturally feed your child, especially when the whole world is “recommending” that you breast-feed. I kept wondering what was wrong with me. With cameras rolling, seconds felt like minutes, and minutes felt like hours as I struggled and second-guessed myself. It may seem like one minute of footage on the show, but it was more like weeks in real time.

Finally, though, he latched on. It was five
P.M.
at this point and I had been up since the middle of the night before, so I was exhausted and running on empty. I had tried to breast-feed for more than a week, but it just wasn’t happening. Then, at last, it happened. I was so excited, but Hank was downstairs so I called him on my cell phone and whisper-yelled for him to get upstairs. I didn’t want to scream too loudly because I didn’t want to startle Hank Jr.—he was in the zone! Hank came running upstairs to join us.

I was on cloud nine—“Hallelujah! I’m feeding my baby!”—and suddenly the producers of the show were knocking on my bedroom door saying, “We need to film this now!” Well, Hank and I went off on them. This was the first time our baby was breast-feeding and we needed to share this intimate moment. Hank yelled and got mad, screaming, “Get out of the room right now.” That’s my man!

That was a huge reality check for us. On the one hand we had invited these cameras into our lives to film us and we knew that was our paycheck, our job, our security. But on the other hand being new parents and having to go through all hours of the night and day with cameras rolling
.
.
.
it just wasn’t a good fit. It was just too much pressure. Talk about a father reaching his boiling point though.

I just wasn’t prepared for them to knock on the door like that. I will never let that happen again. I’m always struggling to find the balance between my family and my career, and I can’t afford to have either of them compromised. I know how to live in both worlds but if anyone’s going to combine them it’s going to be me, not a camera crew.

Hank and I came up with some rules for the show and the producers, the most important of which was to respect the baby’s feeding time. If you want to shoot me feeding him, just sit there and press “record.” Don’t tell me to say anything or do anything else. Don’t laugh, don’t help, and don’t pitch in, just film. Be a fly on the wall because if you’re not I will swat your ass. I learned my lesson and the producers learned theirs and I think we are all better off and happier because of it.

When you’re a new parent there’s no time to sit down and hold a town hall meeting. As a mom there’s no democracy; you are the dictator and everyone else has to listen to your rules, take it or leave it. In a family someone has to take the lead and make decisions, and in my family that’s me.

What am I getting at here? Well, modern motherhood means making your own path through uncharted waters. I have a lot going on in my life, but I can still be a good mom even if I’m not staying at home all day with an apron on. The role of a 1950s mom is just so completely foreign. I’ve got to give it to all of the moms who came before me; they did a hell of a job. But times have changed. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. I’m still going to go out and drink with my hubby, I’m still going to look hot (who says moms can’t wear thongs!), and I’m still going to shake my booty on the dance floor. But hopefully I’ll be in bed and sober (PS: Chugging some Pedialyte is the ultimate hangover prevention and cure—it’s electrolytes without all the sugar) before the sun comes up. Because my little baby’s going to be up at the crack of dawn.

I knew my life changed the moment that baby popped out of me. I had a pretty good idea of who I was and where I was going, but then I became a mother and everything was different. So allowing my TV show to film my first years as a mom just added to the stress I thought I’d already be prepared for! I had not only brought my work home with me, I had let it set up cameras in every room.

My son, Hank, born and raised in Indianapolis, Indiana—ha!

And no matter how much help you have (or lack thereof oftentimes in my case), if you are a neurotic mom obsessed with perfection and planning every aspect of your child’s life right down to the number of ounces of milk he drinks for a snack, then balance becomes even harder. I find myself wanting to micromanage everything in baby Hank’s world because I love him and I want to protect him. And I’m scared that I won’t always be able to protect him. But I’m striving to navigate that, to find a way to be there and not suffocate him. I feel like I should be there for every milestone and experience in Hank’s life, which puts extra pressure on me. So while I recognize the importance of the nanny, I get paranoid that I’m going to miss something in the baby’s life.

Hank Jr. crawled for the first time in Philly. He was around nine months old and I’d been thinking about it for weeks as he was getting closer and closer, but I was nervous because I was heading out of town for an appearance that weekend. He was doing that lunging thing where he’s hunched up on his legs and pitching forward. He was going to scoot at any minute. I kept obsessing internally: “I’m going to miss it because I’m traveling and now this nanny is going to watch him crawl and she’s going to rub it in my face and I’m going to feel guilty.”

So I basically forced him to crawl for me. I didn’t care if he had to stay up way past his bedtime. I wanted to be the first to see him crawl. It was going to be little Hank and me for the next few hours until he did it.

I kicked everyone out of the room. I was sitting next to him on a little area rug on the hardwood floor, whispering, “Come on, you can do it!” I put him on his hands and knees, pushing him and dragging him. I gave his little butt a pinch, almost to give him a little shock and jump start, anything to jolt him. “Come on, baby, this is how you do it!” I kept checking the clock because I was worried I was going to have to leave. It was definitely a “working mom” moment (even though I was dressed in my usual travel wardrobe: sweats). Finally when I started giving up, he took two little teeny crawls. I screamed for joy: “He’s crawling!” The nanny came in and I made it a point to let everyone know that I was the first one to see him crawl. It’s a pride thing. It was like an hour before I was supposed to leave and he finally did it. I said to myself, “Okay. I can go now.”

Hank and I want to be there for everything important in baby Hank’s life, and we both have the kind of jobs that can keep us away from our family. When life gets crazy, we try to sit back and assess our family and make sure we acknowledge everything in baby Hank’s life. The day baby Hank took his first steps, Hank was away in Minnesota playing for the Vikings. I had this feeling that Hank needed to see his wife and baby—call it a mother’s intuition—so I Skyped him. We hadn’t been living with him for more than two months and he was really depressed about being away. It was snowing and cold where he was and he was really missing us. Once we got the camera turned on, I showed Hank baby Hank crawling around and then we just started talking. The next thing I know Hank is pointing to the baby behind me. Hank Jr. had just stood up and taken his first steps! Without any prompting, Hank Jr. just stood up and wobbled a few steps. Hank was crying on Skype out of happiness. He couldn’t believe it! He thought he was going to miss his first steps while he was away. What perfect timing!